My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | New York Over-Timers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Elvis Presley on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Joe Biden. The man is a university professor. Yes, you heard that right. A university professor. On a basketball court. With their lecture notes in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Joe Biden had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
84-129 (L)
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Sean Combs misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
Elvis Presley with the careless pass! Defending the frontline with more care, please!
Elvis Presley, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free facing the rim! Costly lapse!
Sean Combs slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
Into the tunnel. Donald Trump grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know? Donald Trump tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Elvis Presley rattles in and out! The frontline never teases a military personnel like that!
Joe Biden drags their feet! Heavy as their lecture notes at the end of a shift!
Elvis Presley fades away into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Kim Jong-un glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this politician!
This absolute legend Donald Trump shakes hands and moves on. In the end, sometimes predictable game proved costly.
Donald Trump mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kim Jong-un says 'yeah' in the same tone. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-108 (L)
Joe Biden stretches center court! Loosening up, the university professor is getting ready!
Sean Combs misses in the money time! A philanthropist dropping the game at the worst time!
Elvis Presley with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the frontline!
Elvis Presley falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
The technical flair of Joe Biden recalls their university professor days. A floater! Sublime!
The players disappear. Kim Jong-un has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Kim Jong-un once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Sean Combs throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Sean Combs can't hit from the three-point line! That zone is cursed for this philanthropist!
This franchise cornerstone Elvis Presley sets the back screen! Insane court vision off-ball contribution!
Sean Combs labors up the court! Trudging like a philanthropist dragging the game!
This potential GOAT Elvis Presley leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Elvis Presley pulls his cap down over his eyes. Joe Biden doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
96-108 (L)
Joe Biden dribbles onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hall-of-fame lock!
Sean Combs misfires! The philanthropist's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Elvis Presley with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost military personnel!
Kim Jong-un gets burned on the drive! Shaky emotions under pressure in lateral movement!
Donald Trump with a hook shot off the screen! Read that play like a textbook!
Halftime! Joe Biden checks his stats on the board and winces. Locker room anecdote: Joe Biden talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Joe Biden vents at their teammates! The university professor who vents about the young scholars!
A finger roll by Elvis Presley at half court is way off! Tough night for this guy with rings on every finger!
Donald Trump uses that film producer IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Donald Trump barely gets back on defense! Moving like a film producer on a Friday afternoon!
This global icon Elvis Presley tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Kim Jong-un bites the inside of his cheek. Elvis Presley pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I had a revelation: Elvis Presley runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
90-101 (L)
This household name Donald Trump opens the scoring! A finger roll! Early advantage!
Kim Jong-un misfires on the floater! Too much float, the politician touch abandoned them!
This franchise guy Sean Combs forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Joe Biden gambles for the steal and pays the price! Lack of consistency!
Sean Combs goes to work the rock with purpose! A half-court heave! This franchise guy means business!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Elvis Presley walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Elvis Presley tried to impress the Philadelphia Injury-Report players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Kim Jong-un stares in disbelief! The look of a politician who just lost everything!
A floater from Elvis Presley hits the iron! Lack of consistency under the spotlight!
Donald Trump with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic film producer misdirection!
Sean Combs tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a philanthropist's energy for the game!
Elvis Presley takes the loss hard! Hard as the frontline on a bad military personnel day!
Joe Biden hurls his water bottle at the wall. Sean Combs flinches but doesn't react. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
106-117 (L)
Joe Biden announces themselves! The university professor has arrived and the building knows it!
Elvis Presley sends it wide! Their service rifle wouldn't forgive that either!
Sean Combs throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philanthropist got too confident!
This guy with rings on every finger Donald Trump caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Kim Jong-un sinks it in the paint. A politician never misses the public policy, and never misses the hoop!
Halftime whistle! Donald Trump grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Donald Trump watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Sean Combs mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Sean Combs misfires facing the rim! Even this headliner has off nights!
Donald Trump pins the defender! Pinning them down with film producer authority!
Sean Combs slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Kim Jong-un sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a politician after their campaign podium broke!
Elvis Presley mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kim Jong-un says 'yeah' in the same tone. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
102-106 (L)
Sean Combs starts in the slasher! Playing the slasher way a philanthropist plays with their bare hands!
This franchise cornerstone Elvis Presley with a picture-perfect alley-oop! The crowd goes wild!
Kim Jong-un bites on the pump fake! This certified GOAT candidate sent flying from downtown!
Joe Biden gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the university professor touch can't save that one!
Sean Combs takes the lead! A free throw! The comeback is complete! Unbelievable!
Back to the locker room. Kim Jong-un's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. The staff told me Kim Jong-un sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Kim Jong-un gets stripped on a strategic timeout! Stripped of the damn ball like a politician stripped of their campaign podium!
Donald Trump can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Every time Elvis Presley touches the pill, you see the discipline of their service rifle!
Kim Jong-un misses the wide-open three! Their campaign podium left behind on this one!
Joe Biden tips the cap to the winners! The university professor's grace with the young scholars!
Elvis Presley and Joe Biden walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-121 (L)
Sean Combs locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a philanthropist who means business!
Sean Combs dribbles and fires but misses everything! Defense that's basically a suggestion tonight!
Elvis Presley, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Ego the size of Texas in the legs!
Donald Trump storms to the bench! Heated! This film producer doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime. Joe Biden's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Joe Biden blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Joe Biden can't find the range! Their lecture notes has better accuracy than that!
Elvis Presley, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Intercepted! Elvis Presley's pass snatched right out of the air! A military personnel would never be that careless!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Despite the loss, Joe Biden held their own with the young scholars! The university professor fought!
Donald Trump collapses into the first available chair. Kim Jong-un stays standing, eyes glazed over. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-113 (L)
Joe Biden steps onto the den! From challenging the young scholars to this, game time!
Sean Combs shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a philanthropist would cringe!
Elvis Presley, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Limited stamina when protecting the orange!
Sean Combs reacts too late to rotate! Sometimes predictable game on the help side!
Kim Jong-un punishes the defense! A politician punishing the public policy with precision!
End of the first half. Elvis Presley is beet red but still standing. Confession: Elvis Presley tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This certified GOAT candidate Kim Jong-un throws an elbow in frustration! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Sean Combs with the contested catch-and-shoot triple from downtown! No good! Bad selection!
Sean Combs, this all-around player, exploits the mismatch back to the basket! Smart play!
This absolute legend Kim Jong-un calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking its toll!
Sean Combs fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the philanthropist gave everything!
Sean Combs looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Kim Jong-un looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-119 (L)
Sean Combs bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Elvis Presley takes a tough buzzer beater and it doesn't go! Lack of consistency in shot selection!
Sloppy handling by Joe Biden! Challenging the young scholars is done with more finesse!
Joe Biden scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Donald Trump buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
Halftime. Elvis Presley is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Elvis Presley tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Sean Combs penetrates the ball into nothing! Limited stamina on full display tonight!
Kim Jong-un can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of shaping the public policy!
Joe Biden throws it away! Shaky emotions under pressure under pressure under the basket!
Elvis Presley kicks the air! The frustration of a military personnel who knows they can do better!
Elvis Presley refuses to make excuses! A military personnel owns the frontline failures too!
Kim Jong-un and Joe Biden walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
105-113 (L)
Joe Biden, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Elvis Presley takes off but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Elvis Presley coughs up the rock! Lack of consistency strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Sean Combs watches helplessly! A philanthropist watching the game fall off the shelf!
Donald Trump, this tweener, with a silky and-one at the buzzer! Smooth operator!
Rest. Joe Biden buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote of the day: Joe Biden forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Kim Jong-un looks to the heavens! A politician praying for their campaign podium to work!
Donald Trump, this generational talent, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
This household name Joe Biden attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Donald Trump is visibly tired! This absolute legend needs a timeout badly!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this multi-time All-Star.
Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-126 (L)
Sean Combs blows past with energy from the opening whistle! This reliable star locked in!
Kim Jong-un, this undersized dog, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to force bad shots!
Sean Combs with the backcourt violation! This guy everybody knows under too much pressure!
Kim Jong-un gets crossed over! This potential GOAT left frozen at half court!
Donald Trump mouths off on a strategic timeout! A film producer venting about the risky picture!
Well-deserved break. Sean Combs looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Sean Combs is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Donald Trump fires and misses from the left corner. Should have stuck with the risky picture!
Sean Combs finds a second wind! The philanthropist engine roars back to life!
Elvis Presley turns it over in the perimeter! Butterfingers from this military personnel!
Joe Biden argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to challenging the young scholars!
Joe Biden walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kim Jong-un watches the crowd file out in silence. Donald Trump prefers not to look. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
86-116 (L)
Donald Trump huddles with the team! Huddling up, the film producer strategizes!
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Donald Trump tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Limited stamina in the decision-making!
Elvis Presley gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the frontline on a rough day!
Joe Biden pops the jumper! Clean as their lecture notes after a polish!
Halftime whistle! Elvis Presley grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. I've been told Elvis Presley always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Kim Jong-un walks away muttering! Muttering about the public policy under their breath!
Elvis Presley, this undisputed superstar, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target at half court!
Donald Trump with the perfect cut! Precision of a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Sean Combs calls for the sub! Even a philanthropist's stamina with their bare hands has limits!
Donald Trump gave it everything! Everything a film producer has, left on the court!
Elvis Presley takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Donald Trump follows the same path. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
105-112 (L)
This reliable star Sean Combs gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Elvis Presley misfires in the paint! Their service rifle calibration needed!
Elvis Presley passes to nobody! This hall-of-fame lock with a head-scratching decision!
Joe Biden fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a university professor chasing the young scholars!
Sean Combs converts the and-one! Tough as competing the game all day!
The players head to the locker room. Elvis Presley is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Elvis Presley fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Joe Biden shakes their head! A university professor who can't believe that just happened!
Donald Trump goes 0 for the quarter! A film producer having a rough shift with their loaded checkbook!
Elvis Presley executes the delay! Patient as a military personnel waiting for their service rifle results!
Joe Biden misses the rotation! Too tired, like a university professor too tired for the young scholars!
Joe Biden hangs their head! A university professor who gave everything they had!
Donald Trump is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Kim Jong-un waits at the tunnel entrance. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
99-119 (L)
The game begins and Donald Trump is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Sean Combs launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Sometimes predictable game at its peak!
Turnover by Joe Biden! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
Kim Jong-un gets posted up and scored on! This once-in-a-lifetime player overpowered!
This certified bucket Sean Combs punishes the defense with a half-court heave in transition!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Joe Biden fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Elvis Presley slams the ball in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
A reverse layup attempt by Sean Combs falls short! Hot head in the legs!
Joe Biden schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true university professor!
Elvis Presley grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a military personnel finishing the frontline!
Joe Biden walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to university professor life tomorrow!
Sean Combs lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Elvis Presley holds his in. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
80-124 (L)
The floor welcomes Kim Jong-un! The politician with the public policy has arrived!
Sean Combs misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Donald Trump trips up in the left wing! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Kim Jong-un overcommits and gets beat! Sometimes predictable game when reading the play!
Sean Combs, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Halftime whistle. Kim Jong-un flops into the first available chair. Anecdote: Kim Jong-un lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Donald Trump launches but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Joe Biden is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a university professor would call it quits!
Sean Combs, this tweener, gets stripped from the right corner! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
This global icon Donald Trump stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Elvis Presley sits alone on the bench. This first-ballot legend processing the defeat.
Joe Biden sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Elvis Presley puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elvis Presley.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Elvis Presley on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Joe Biden. The man is a university professor. Yes, you heard that right. A university professor. On a basketball court. With their lecture notes in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Joe Biden had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Elvis Presley.
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