djslkdns — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | djslkdns | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Djslkdns! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Happy Gilmore, his brother-in-law and a golfer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying sand wedge and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Happy Gilmore can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for impossible fairways to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
94-115 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Victor Wembanyama loses the rock in traffic! This legit talent can't afford that!
Happy Gilmore caught flat-footed! Standing still, the golfer reflexes took a nap!
Victor Wembanyama penetrates past everyone for a buzzer-beater! This tower on a mission!
Both teams head in. Happy Gilmore has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Quick anecdote about Happy Gilmore: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This headliner Jeffrey Dahmer shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Stephen Curry, this reliable star, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! Freakish explosiveness and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Happy Gilmore wipes sweat with the kicks! Drenched, the golfer has been putting in work!
Jeffrey Dahmer wipes a tear! A soldier who poured everything into the effort!
Happy Gilmore walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Nikola Jokić speeds up. Wants it to be over. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
116-103 (W)
Game time! Stephen Curry and this bonafide star ready to put on a show at the gym!
Victor Wembanyama knocks down a fadeaway jumper back to the basket! Ice in the veins!
Jeffrey Dahmer steals the ball! Quick hands from defending the front line all day!
Nikola Jokić with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Iron discipline on that one!
Stephen Curry, this jersey-selling name, manages the clock beautifully in crunch time!
Time to breathe. Stephen Curry has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Word is Stephen Curry sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jeffrey Dahmer pulls off a step-back three out of nowhere! Was that basketball or soldier magic? Unbelievable!
Confetti falls as Jeffrey Dahmer exits! A soldier's grand finale on the venue!
Stephen Curry puts ego aside! The team comes first for this big-name player!
This is the Happy Gilmore game! This dark horse taking over in the extra period!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this all-around player, celebrates the win! A primal scream! What a game!
Stephen Curry and Nikola Jokić pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
120-104 (W)
And we're underway! Happy Gilmore touches the damn ball first! This who-is-this-guy player looks eager!
Stephen Curry with an incredible fadeaway jumper on the low block! Standing ovation!
Victor Wembanyama sprints to close out! A commanding rebound driving to the hoop! Great effort!
This diamond in the rough Happy Gilmore with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Victor Wembanyama launches to the right spot! Iron discipline off-ball movement!
That's a cut. Victor Wembanyama stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Stephen Curry goes coast to coast for an and-one! This All-Star caliber talent is relentless!
A hostile crowd as Victor Wembanyama, this absolute unit, is introduced! Goosebumps!
This guy with a proven track record Victor Wembanyama claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this guy with a proven track record!
Victor Wembanyama, this tree of a man, sets the tone with scary good handles! Leader!
Stephen Curry hugs the coach! This guy everybody knows with a complete performance!
Victor Wembanyama does a cartwheel at center court. Happy Gilmore tries one too and eats it. Tonight I learned Victor Wembanyama used to be a golfer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
104-106 (L)
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! A gym-rat work ethic from the jump!
Victor Wembanyama goes to work past the defense for a bucket! Size advantage from this this absolute unit!
This jersey-selling name Nikola Jokić caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
A tear drop by Victor Wembanyama from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this up-and-coming baller!
Victor Wembanyama sparks the comeback! A pull-up jumper at half court! This guy with a proven track record leads the charge!
Back in the locker room, Victor Wembanyama sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Happy Gilmore gets stripped at late in the quarter! Stripped of the Spalding like a golfer stripped of the sand wedge!
Happy Gilmore buries their face! Hidden from view, the golfer can't watch!
Nikola Jokić explodes with purpose! Unreal swagger driving this team forward!
Victor Wembanyama gets stripped in right from the tip-off! That's gonna be a costly turnover!
Despite the loss, Jeffrey Dahmer held their own with the front line! The soldier fought!
Nikola Jokić hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jeffrey Dahmer keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
111-89 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this player making noise, draws first blood! An alley-oop to start!
Stephen Curry fires away the ball with flair and hits a deep three! Sensational!
Stephen Curry times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A surgical steal at the buzzer!
Stephen Curry threads the needle! Beautiful assist in the paint! Unreal court vision!
This hooper's hooper Victor Wembanyama attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
End of the first act. Victor Wembanyama is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, uses every inch to deliver a euro-step!
Stephen Curry penetrates in front of the home faithful! Immense pressure! Beautiful!
Happy Gilmore boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a golfer with the impossible fairways!
Victor Wembanyama, this legit talent, delivers a play worth its weight in gold! Wisdom and poise!
Jeffrey Dahmer finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a soldier would be proud of!
Nikola Jokić and Victor Wembanyama do celebratory push-ups. Stephen Curry counts out loud. Definitely cheating. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
84-109 (L)
This headliner Nikola Jokić gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Jeffrey Dahmer drives but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Happy Gilmore commits the live-ball turnover! The sand wedge would be ashamed!
Stephen Curry gets caught flat-footed! This elite player beaten to the spot!
Jeffrey Dahmer explodes along the baseline with the same confidence they bring to defending the front line.
Halftime whistle! Stephen Curry slides down against the hallway wall. Did you know? Stephen Curry tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Nikola Jokić steps back the towel! This big-name player showing hot head!
Happy Gilmore, this player nobody saw coming, comes up empty! An off-balance shot off target from downtown!
Jeffrey Dahmer slows the pace when the team needs it! This established star tempo control!
This top-tier talent Jeffrey Dahmer can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Nikola Jokić walks off in silence. This established star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Stephen Curry lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Nikola Jokić decides not to comment. I learned backstage that Nikola Jokić also does golfer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
130-93 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this towering presence, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Happy Gilmore, this dark horse, operates from the left corner with a buzzer beater! Clinic!
Jeffrey Dahmer unlocks the defense! Picked it apart like a soldier on a mission!
A reverse layup from Nikola Jokić from the right corner! That's a statement right there!
This established star Stephen Curry takes the charge driving to the hoop! Gutsy play!
The locker room. Stephen Curry sprawls out full-length on the bench. True story: Stephen Curry had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Victor Wembanyama rises up the ball beautifully for a bank shot! What touch!
Nikola Jokić launches without breaking a sweat! This franchise guy cruise control!
Nikola Jokić steps back and the Wilson goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
Happy Gilmore, this hidden prospect, with the signature hug with the coach! The fans love it!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Jeffrey Dahmer cries tears of joy in Happy Gilmore's arms. Victor Wembanyama is also crying but nobody knows why. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
128-91 (W)
Jeffrey Dahmer lands the first double-clutch layup! First blood! The soldier strikes first!
A floater from downtown by Victor Wembanyama! This mountain of a man with the long range!
Nikola Jokić picks apart the defense! Assist leads to an off-balance shot!
Jeffrey Dahmer with the tough bank shot through contact! This jersey-selling name won't be denied!
Victor Wembanyama rejects the layup! A drawn charge by this tree of a man! Get that out!
Halftime! Stephen Curry is limping slightly heading off the court. Little secret: Stephen Curry has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Victor Wembanyama, this name that's buzzing, with the exclamation-point bank shot! Game changer!
Nikola Jokić piles it on! A devastating dunk extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
Jeffrey Dahmer keeps saying 'just like defending the front line' after every play!
Happy Gilmore does the golfer dance after a scoop layup! The impossible fairways has never looked this fun!
Stephen Curry goes to work in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Victor Wembanyama charges toward the crowd. Stephen Curry catches him just before he dives into the stands. I learned that Victor Wembanyama's father was a golfer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-118 (L)
Tip-off! Nikola Jokić gets us started! Let's go!
Nikola Jokić, this walking skyscraper, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
Nikola Jokić, this 7-footer, gets called for the carry! Limited stamina in ball-handling!
Victor Wembanyama gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Happy Gilmore banks it in the paint! A golfer's steady hand at work!
Back in the locker room, Nikola Jokić sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Nikola Jokić got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This jersey-selling name is visibly upset!
Stephen Curry shoots the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This established star Nikola Jokić switches defensive assignments on the fly! Night-in night-out consistency!
Happy Gilmore needs oxygen! More winded than a golfer after overtime!
Stephen Curry had the chances but couldn't convert. This reliable star left wanting.
Stephen Curry claps his hands in frustration. Happy Gilmore clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
111-107 (W)
This reliable star Nikola Jokić comes out firing! A step-back three in the first minute!
Happy Gilmore swats it away! A flawless defensive rotation with that golfer strength!
Jeffrey Dahmer shanks it from the low post! Defending the front line uses different muscles!
Jeffrey Dahmer penetrates and delivers a euro-step! Their service rifle by day, buckets by night!
Victor Wembanyama makes the hockey pass! Night-in night-out consistency finding the extra pass!
Halftime whistle. Victor Wembanyama flops into the first available chair. Did you know? Victor Wembanyama tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Victor Wembanyama attacks past the defender! A pull-up jumper in the clutch! Incredible!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, contests without fouling! Clean as a whistle!
This next-level player Victor Wembanyama brings a crowd fully behind them to a new level! Incredible scene!
Victor Wembanyama, this mammoth, comes up big! A deep three in after a timeout! Legend!
Nikola Jokić, this big fella, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Nikola Jokić does a cartwheel at center court. Stephen Curry tries one too and eats it. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-114 (L)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Nikola Jokić misfires from the right corner! Even this jersey-selling name has off nights!
Victor Wembanyama coughs up the orange! Occasional mental lapses strikes again along the baseline!
This elite player Stephen Curry fouls reaching in! Tendency to rush on defense!
Jeffrey Dahmer hits a half-court heave! Silky smooth technique proving to be the difference tonight!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Victor Wembanyama to massage his thighs. Confession: Victor Wembanyama calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Victor Wembanyama, this next-level player, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Happy Gilmore pulls up the Wilson into the front rim! That's frustrating for this total unknown!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Scary good handles!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this bonafide star, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!
Happy Gilmore vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the sand wedge reinforced with the impossible fairways!
Victor Wembanyama refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Jeffrey Dahmer offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
91-113 (L)
Happy Gilmore fires up the crowd to open the game! This guy nobody was talking about starting strong!
A step-back three from Victor Wembanyama sails wide! This player on the come-up needs to regroup!
Happy Gilmore, this do-it-all player, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, lets the shooter get free off the pick and roll! Costly lapse!
Jeffrey Dahmer with the fadeaway catch-and-shoot triple! Smooth as their service rifle in action!
Halftime. Jeffrey Dahmer throws his towel on the floor walking in. They say Jeffrey Dahmer has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
This franchise guy Nikola Jokić hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from mid-range!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up the pill into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Victor Wembanyama fades away sluggishly! Occasional mental lapses catching up with this established player!
This multi-time All-Star Nikola Jokić stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this multi-time All-Star wanted.
Jeffrey Dahmer lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Happy Gilmore decides not to comment. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jeffrey Dahmer's name. Forgive me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-100 (L)
Nikola Jokić, this reliable star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This certified bucket Nikola Jokić rattles it out! So close yet so far driving to the hoop!
Happy Gilmore coughs it up! A golfer's grip doesn't work on the damn ball!
Victor Wembanyama turns the head and loses the man! This legit talent napping defensively!
A pull-up jumper by Victor Wembanyama! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
Both teams head in. Jeffrey Dahmer has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Rumor has it Jeffrey Dahmer does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Jeffrey Dahmer glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this soldier!
Nikola Jokić, this towering presence, can't finish at the buzzer! That one stings!
Stephen Curry, this reliable star, manipulates the defense with the eyes! That dawg mentality!
Stephen Curry short-arms the shot from fatigue! This headliner has nothing left!
This who-is-this-guy player Happy Gilmore leaves the temple of basketball with head held high. Fought to the end.
Stephen Curry walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Nikola Jokić speeds up. Wants it to be over. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
109-107 (W)
This elite player Nikola Jokić catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, with the clutch crucial offensive board! The crowd is on its feet!
Jeffrey Dahmer with a wild attempt! This jersey-selling name not finding the range tonight!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry with a picture-perfect pull-up jumper! The crowd goes wild!
This established player Victor Wembanyama calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
The players leave the court. Victor Wembanyama clings to the tunnel railing. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jeffrey Dahmer with the clutch assist! Always finds the open man, this soldier!
Nikola Jokić deflects the pass and starts the break! This multi-time All-Star defense to offense!
Nikola Jokić, this beanpole, gets the standing ovation! A packed arena!
This dude out of nowhere Happy Gilmore with nerves of steel! A two-handed slam when it matters most!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama walks off to a standing ovation! Wild stands! Incredible!
Happy Gilmore throws chalk powder like LeBron. Nikola Jokić coughs for two minutes straight. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
95-118 (L)
Happy Gilmore checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!
Nikola Jokić gets burned on the drive! Ego the size of Texas in lateral movement!
Stephen Curry with the highlight-reel and-one! This elite player owning the moment!
Well-deserved break. Stephen Curry looks like someone who just ran a marathon. The staff told me Stephen Curry sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Victor Wembanyama glares at the scoreboard! This dude putting the league on notice not happy with the situation!
Jeffrey Dahmer launches from deep and misses! A soldier's range doesn't apply here!
This established star Nikola Jokić recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Stephen Curry, this smooth operator, laboring up and down! Shaky emotions under pressure draining the energy!
Nikola Jokić attacks to the tunnel in disappointment. This guy everybody knows will learn from this.
Happy Gilmore replays the score in his head on a loop. Nikola Jokić tries to think about something else. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
djslkdns ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Djslkdns!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Happy Gilmore, his brother-in-law and a golfer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying sand wedge and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Happy Gilmore can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for impossible fairways to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
djslkdns ends the season #9 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
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