The Bad Guys — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | The Bad Guys | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... The Bad Guys! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jeffrey Dahmer on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 183 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Adolf Hitler. A soldier. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a soldier, with their service rifle, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Adolf Hitler has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the front line with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer attacks into position! This multi-time All-Star not wasting any time!
Sean Combs misses! Even a philanthropist can't fix that shot!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the rock! Mental lapse!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!
Adolf Hitler kicks the air! The frustration of a soldier who knows they can do better!
Halftime. Donald Trump wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Small detail: Donald Trump wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Donald Trump goes 0 for the quarter! A film producer having a rough shift with their loaded checkbook!
Sean Combs launches a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!
Donald Trump commits the live-ball turnover! Their loaded checkbook would be ashamed!
Sean Combs can't mask the disappointment! This franchise guy wearing it on the sleeve!
Adolf Hitler looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a soldier!
Sean Combs's complexion is grey. Jeffrey Dahmer's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
87-117 (L)
Sean Combs locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a philanthropist who means business!
Jeffrey Dahmer misses the open look! A soldier never misses the front line... But misses the Wilson!
Donald Trump dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
This global icon Adolf Hitler fouls reaching in! Lack of consistency on defense!
Adolf Hitler attacks driving to the hoop and finishes with a tear drop! Too good!
The locker room. Jeffrey Epstein sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Jeffrey Epstein was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jeffrey Dahmer throws their hands up! Like a soldier when their service rifle breaks!
Sean Combs, this tweener, can't get an alley-oop to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Donald Trump triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with film producer urgency!
Adolf Hitler is spent! Used up like the front line after a soldier's long day!
Donald Trump explodes to the tunnel in disappointment. This all-time great will learn from this.
Donald Trump takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Jeffrey Epstein follows the same path. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-120 (L)
The den welcomes Adolf Hitler! The soldier with the front line has arrived!
Jeffrey Epstein lets fly but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Donald Trump gets picked! A film producer getting the risky picture stolen in broad daylight!
Sean Combs, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over injury-prone body!
Donald Trump shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime whistle. Jeffrey Epstein spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Adolf Hitler with a wild attempt! This certified GOAT candidate not finding the range tonight!
Jeffrey Dahmer is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a soldier would call it quits!
Jeffrey Epstein, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted on the low block!
This guy everybody knows Jeffrey Dahmer hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from mid-range!
Adolf Hitler vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their service rifle reinforced with the front line!
Jeffrey Epstein collapses into the first available chair. Sean Combs stays standing, eyes glazed over. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
77-114 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer steps onto the venue! From defending the front line to this, game time!
Adolf Hitler skips it off the rim! The front line has better hop than that!
Jeffrey Epstein loses possession! The game never leaves a philanthropist's hands like that!
Sean Combs gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
Donald Trump mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Halftime. Jeffrey Epstein throws his towel on the floor walking in. Fun fact: Jeffrey Epstein got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Donald Trump forces a bad and-one! This potential GOAT needs to trust teammates!
Donald Trump stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a film producer over the risky picture!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein loses concentration and the rock with it!
Sean Combs, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
This big-name player Jeffrey Dahmer congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this big-name player.
Jeffrey Dahmer hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Adolf Hitler keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-117 (L)
Adolf Hitler lands the first floater! First blood! The soldier strikes first!
This global icon Donald Trump with a rare miss on the low block! Even the best stumble!
Adolf Hitler throws it out of bounds! Like launching their service rifle into the void!
Jeffrey Dahmer gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Adolf Hitler, this generational talent, reads the play perfectly and delivers a layup!
Both teams head in. Jeffrey Epstein has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. I've been told Jeffrey Epstein always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Donald Trump fires away the ball into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Donald Trump reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, looks exhausted driving to the hoop! The legs are gone!
Donald Trump walks off in defeat! Even a film producer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Donald Trump taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Jeffrey Epstein walks through the door without pushing it. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
86-107 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
A deep three from Adolf Hitler catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This all-time great Donald Trump commits the 5-second violation! Clock management shaky emotions under pressure!
Donald Trump overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Adolf Hitler, this pint-sized baller, rises above and hammers a step-back three!
The players head in. Donald Trump slips on the wet tunnel floor. Fun fact: Donald Trump is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! The players look fired up.
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Adolf Hitler spins and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
Jeffrey Epstein, this versatile guy, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! An off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Jeffrey Dahmer short-arms the shot from fatigue! This certified bucket has nothing left!
Sean Combs absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a philanthropist knows tough days!
Donald Trump refuses the coach's embrace. Jeffrey Epstein accepts it but his body is stiff. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-130 (L)
Donald Trump gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!
Donald Trump bricks it! Not the same accuracy as greenlighting the risky picture!
Intercepted! Donald Trump's pass snatched right out of the air! A film producer would never be that careless!
Sean Combs, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free under the basket! Costly lapse!
Donald Trump, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Break. Jeffrey Dahmer's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Rumor has it Jeffrey Dahmer does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
A buzzer-beater by Jeffrey Epstein back to the basket is way off! Tough night for this living legend!
Sean Combs is cramping up! This franchise guy trying to shake it off! Lack of consistency!
Adolf Hitler with the errant pass! This first-ballot legend needs to settle down!
Adolf Hitler walks away muttering! Muttering about the front line under their breath!
Jeffrey Epstein takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad philanthropist day!
Jeffrey Epstein and Sean Combs walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-111 (L)
This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
A scoop layup from Donald Trump hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this combo guard, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Sean Combs drops an and-one! The accuracy of a philanthropist on full display!
Break. Jeffrey Epstein's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Donald Trump, this hall-of-fame lock, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
This living legend Jeffrey Epstein rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!
Donald Trump spaces the floor! Making room out there like a film producer clears the workspace!
Donald Trump, this global icon, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Sean Combs gave it everything! Everything a philanthropist has, left on the court!
Adolf Hitler lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jeffrey Dahmer decides not to comment. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
102-110 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this household name, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
Adolf Hitler launches from deep and misses! A soldier's range doesn't apply here!
Jeffrey Dahmer throws it away! Lack of consistency under pressure facing the rim!
Sean Combs reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Jeffrey Dahmer applies the same technique to the Spalding as to the front line. A deep three from downtown!
Rest time. Jeffrey Dahmer isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Donald Trump drives the towel! This undisputed superstar showing heavy feet!
Jeffrey Dahmer can't connect! Their service rifle in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Jeffrey Epstein reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this philanthropist!
Donald Trump calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
This global icon Donald Trump tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Sean Combs refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Jeffrey Epstein watches it and immediately regrets it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-130 (L)
And we're underway! Jeffrey Dahmer touches the basketball first! This guy everybody knows looks eager!
Air ball from Sean Combs! Being a philanthropist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the leather!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs can't recover! Scored on driving to the hoop! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Jeffrey Dahmer argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the front line!
That's a cut. Jeffrey Epstein stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Little secret: Jeffrey Epstein has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
A euro-step from Jeffrey Epstein goes in and out! Heartbreaking at the buzzer!
Donald Trump drives but can't sustain the effort! Tendency to rush emptying the tank!
Donald Trump trips up in the corner! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Adolf Hitler storms to the bench! This certified GOAT candidate is visibly upset!
Jeffrey Dahmer leaves the den quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Jeffrey Epstein's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jeffrey Dahmer hides his eyes under a towel. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
82-127 (L)
This franchise guy Sean Combs means business! Fast start back to the basket!
Jeffrey Epstein whiffs on the jumper! A philanthropist off their game with their bare hands!
Turnover by Jeffrey Dahmer! Defending the front line requires less coordination, clearly!
Sean Combs loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Adolf Hitler vents at their teammates! The soldier who vents about the front line!
End of the first act. Jeffrey Epstein is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Confession: Jeffrey Epstein calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Adolf Hitler clanks another one off the rim! This potential GOAT needs to find rhythm!
Sean Combs is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the philanthropist is spent!
Jeffrey Epstein pulls up the ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this basketball god!
Adolf Hitler mutters to himself walking back! This hall-of-fame lock fighting inner demons!
Sean Combs shakes hands through the pain! A philanthropist who respects their bare hands and the game!
Adolf Hitler isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Jeffrey Dahmer tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-102 (L)
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein in the starting lineup! Let's see what this generational talent brings!
Adolf Hitler bobbles and misses! Fumbling the rock like it's a Monday morning!
Sloppy handling by Sean Combs! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Jeffrey Epstein gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the game on a rough day!
Adolf Hitler banks an and-one off the glass! Geometry learned from the soldier life!
Break! Sean Combs takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Sean Combs fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Jeffrey Epstein glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this philanthropist!
Jeffrey Epstein fires and misses from under the basket. Should have stuck with the game!
Adolf Hitler shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a soldier at work!
Jeffrey Dahmer mops their face! Sweating more than when defending the front line!
Jeffrey Epstein lets fly past the media. This absolute legend not in the mood to talk.
Adolf Hitler refuses Cleveland Twin-Towers's handshake. Jeffrey Dahmer offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-124 (L)
Sean Combs sets the tone early! The philanthropist came to play tonight!
Jeffrey Dahmer can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the ball differently than the front line!
Jeffrey Epstein, this solid build, commits the travel! Tendency to force bad shots in the footwork!
Jeffrey Epstein fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a philanthropist chasing the game!
This all-time great Adolf Hitler can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! Jeffrey Dahmer looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little secret: Jeffrey Dahmer has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Jeffrey Epstein can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this household name!
Jeffrey Dahmer misses from fatigue! This top-tier talent can't get the elevation at the buzzer!
Stolen from Jeffrey Epstein! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Adolf Hitler mouths off on the decisive possession! A soldier venting about the front line!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Jeffrey Epstein presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Jeffrey Dahmer walks right past without noticing. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-119 (L)
This top-tier talent Sean Combs comes out aggressive! Opens with a devastating dunk from mid-range!
Adolf Hitler, this all-time great, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Jeffrey Epstein botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Adolf Hitler bites on the pump fake! This global icon sent flying at the buzzer!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a philanthropist after a long shift!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jeffrey Epstein's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Jeffrey Dahmer misses at the buzzer! A soldier who missed the deadline!
Jeffrey Epstein is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
This guy everybody knows Jeffrey Dahmer commits the offensive foul! Turnover facing the rim!
Donald Trump waves off the play! The authority of a film producer in that gesture!
Adolf Hitler tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we defends better, like the front line!'
Jeffrey Dahmer replays the score in his head on a loop. Sean Combs tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Donald Trump, this all-around player, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this top-tier talent, fumbles the finish off the pick and roll! Back to the drawing board!
Jeffrey Epstein loses the ball! A philanthropist would never be this careless!
Jeffrey Epstein turns the head and loses the man! This absolute legend napping defensively!
Jeffrey Epstein slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
Break! Donald Trump heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Rumor has it Donald Trump tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Donald Trump throws up a clunker! Their loaded checkbook would weep at that trajectory!
Sean Combs needs oxygen! More winded than a philanthropist after overtime!
This basketball god Donald Trump dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Donald Trump fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the film producer gave everything!
Adolf Hitler refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Sean Combs watches it and immediately regrets it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
The Bad Guys finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Dahmer.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen... The Bad Guys!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jeffrey Dahmer on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 183 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Adolf Hitler. A soldier. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a soldier, with their service rifle, on an NBA hardwood. The guy showed up at his first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Adolf Hitler has "something." We don't know what exactly, but he has "something." In the meantime, the guy runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the front line with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
The Bad Guys finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Dahmer.
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