My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | My Team | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Excelangue, his brother-in-law and a detection dog by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their keen snout and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Excelangue can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the hidden contraband to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
110-100 (W)
Tip-off! Excelangue gets us started! Let's go!
Excelangue takes off and scores! A finger roll! This solid build is a problem!
This certified GOAT candidate Stephen Hawking with the volleyball spike a clutch steal! Emphatic!
This top-tier talent Sean Combs finds the open man! Assist and a tear drop!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, sets a brick-wall screen! Silky smooth technique on full display!
Halftime. The doctor examines LeBron James's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Intel: LeBron James asked Detroit Engine-Roar for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Stephen Hawking answers back with a reverse layup! Ridiculous creativity under pressure!
Palpable tension as Excelangue warms up with some detection dog moves!
Excelangue barks out defensive calls! The voice of their keen snout echoes across the venue!
Stephen Hawking crosses over through pain, through doubt! This franchise cornerstone transcending!
That's the game! LeBron James finishes with a monster performance! This once-in-a-lifetime player victorious!
Sean Combs and Excelangue play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Sean Combs loses. I got a text from Sean Combs after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
114-89 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal dribbles into position! This hall-of-fame lock not wasting any time!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, rises above and hammers a half-court heave!
Excelangue with the chase-down iron-wall defense! What athleticism!
LeBron James posts up into the lane and kicks out! Ridiculous creativity and great decision-making!
Excelangue executes a pick-and-roll system perfectly! Precision learned as a detection dog!
Break! Excelangue has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Fun fact: Excelangue tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Sean Combs rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Shaquille O'Neal gets hot!
Shaquille O'Neal brings energy off the bench! This certified GOAT candidate infectious enthusiasm!
Every detection dog in the crowd sees themselves in Excelangue's battle with the leather!
Stephen Hawking hugs the coach! This all-time great with a complete performance!
Sean Combs cries tears of joy in LeBron James's arms. Excelangue is also crying but nobody knows why. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
123-85 (W)
This potential GOAT LeBron James gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tree of a man, dominates at the buzzer and puts up a hook shot! Unstoppable!
Sean Combs picks apart the defense! Dissecting every move with philanthropist precision!
LeBron James attacks in transition and finishes with a deep three! Too good!
This diamond in the rough Excelangue with the no-foul contest along the baseline! Clean as a whistle!
Back to the locker room. Excelangue's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know? Excelangue has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Stephen Hawking sinks it from the right corner. A university professor never misses the young scholars, and never misses the hoop!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal adds another! This is a demolition job!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal gets photobombed on the jumbotron! A bench mob celebration interrupted!
Stephen Hawking, this potential GOAT, cups the ear to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! They want more!
Excelangue tallied double figures! Double the hidden contraband, double the glory!
Excelangue and Stephen Hawking slap each other's butts. LeBron James declines the invitation. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
131-93 (W)
Sean Combs locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a philanthropist who means business!
Excelangue scores again! When you're a detection dog by trade, the ball is child's play!
Excelangue lobs it perfectly! Arcing it with precision worthy of their keen snout!
LeBron James penetrates the damn ball with purpose! A pull-up jumper! This basketball god means business!
Sean Combs shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a philanthropist closing the game!
The players file out. Shaquille O'Neal exchanges a tense look with the coach. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Sean Combs steps back with the precision of a philanthropist at work. And it's a buzzer beater!
Excelangue and the garbage time lineup! This raw talent can rest easy!
Sean Combs called a timeout to check on the game! Priorities!
Stephen Hawking, this certified GOAT candidate, with the too-small gesture! A fist pump toward the bench! Mismatch!
Sean Combs, this tweener, celebrates the win! A raised fist! What a game!
LeBron James pretends to plant a flag at center court. Stephen Hawking stands at attention. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Hawking. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
117-90 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal opens with a buzzer-beater! This undisputed superstar making an early statement!
Sean Combs goes baseline and scores! The game prepared them for this moment!
Stephen Hawking with a sky-high block! The reflexes of a university professor catching the young scholars!
LeBron James drives the rock through traffic! What a pass by this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Halftime. Stephen Hawking is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Stephen Hawking raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
LeBron James with another catch-and-shoot triple! You can't stop this man!
Standing room only! A standing ovation as Stephen Hawking takes over from the left corner!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Stephen Hawking plays for every university professor who ever picked up the ball after the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking tosses the pill in the air! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This living legend mission accomplished!
LeBron James does the floss while Shaquille O'Neal spins like a top. Excelangue just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Shaquille O'Neal. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
105-103 (W)
Excelangue begins their shift on the field house! A detection dog starting the their keen snout shift!
Excelangue blocks from behind! Came outta nowhere like a detection dog on a mission!
Sean Combs fires and misses in transition. Should have stuck with the game!
Shaquille O'Neal scores from the left corner! A pull-up jumper with pure God-given talent! Brilliant!
This household name LeBron James adjusts the angle mid-drive! Unreal swagger body control!
Break! Excelangue takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. They say Excelangue eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Sean Combs with the steal and score at coming out of the locker room! Philanthropist instincts with their bare hands!
Stephen Hawking sprints to close out! A flawless defensive rotation under the basket! Great effort!
Stephen Hawking, this solid build, gets the standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire!
This first-ballot legend LeBron James converts the and-one on the final possession! Three-point play!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, takes the final bow! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! Dominant display!
Stephen Hawking throws chalk powder like LeBron. Excelangue coughs for two minutes straight. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
109-114 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, sets the tone immediately! Next-level basketball IQ from the jump!
Stephen Hawking scores with their lecture notes, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
Stephen Hawking watches helplessly! A university professor watching the young scholars fall off the shelf!
Excelangue, this versatile guy, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Stephen Hawking fights through fatigue! That university professor toughness is for real!
Break! Shaquille O'Neal heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This established star Sean Combs with the clutch-time breakdown! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly the towel! This household name showing tendency to force bad shots!
Shaquille O'Neal has found another gear! This franchise cornerstone shifting into overdrive!
LeBron James misfires on the potential dagger! This first-ballot legend lets them off the hook!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Excelangue hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Stephen Hawking keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
95-105 (L)
Sean Combs huddles with the team! Huddling up, the philanthropist strategizes!
This newcomer Excelangue short-arms a euro-step from way beyond the arc! Not enough lift!
Sean Combs throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philanthropist got too confident!
Stephen Hawking bites on the pump fake! This undisputed superstar sent flying driving to the hoop!
Stephen Hawking, this solid build, with a silky hook shot on the low block! Smooth operator!
The players file out. Shaquille O'Neal exchanges a tense look with the coach. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Stephen Hawking mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Excelangue launches the Spalding into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
Sean Combs tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a philanthropist's energy for the game!
Excelangue had the chances but couldn't convert. This who-is-this-guy player left wanting.
Stephen Hawking bites the inside of his cheek. LeBron James pinches the bridge of his nose. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
123-92 (W)
Sean Combs, this bonafide star, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
What a shot from Excelangue! A detection dog bringing their keen snout energy to the floor!
Sean Combs with the defensive rebound! Secured like only a philanthropist can!
Excelangue reads the defense like a book! Assist from the right corner! A killer instinct!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Halftime. The doctor examines Shaquille O'Neal's shoulder while the others catch their breath. They say Shaquille O'Neal has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Sean Combs converts in the paint! A deep three with trademark pure God-given talent!
A crowd fully behind them is electric when Sean Combs has the basketball! A philanthropist charging the room!
Stephen Hawking adjusts on the fly! Quick thinking from this university professor!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks with conviction! This basketball god believes tonight is the night!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Sean Combs climbs onto the scorer's table. LeBron James joins him. Security is unsure whether to intervene. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
101-97 (W)
Opening possession for Excelangue! First touch, like first touch of their keen snout!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal with a critical stop! A double team when it counts!
Stephen Hawking misses! Even a university professor can't fix that shot!
Stephen Hawking banks it at the top of the key! A university professor's steady hand at work!
LeBron James, this living legend, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Night-in night-out consistency!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal won't let the team lose! A buzzer-beater in the first quarter!
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, shuts down the play along the baseline! Lockdown defender!
The halftime tribute to Excelangue's detection dog journey! The hidden contraband to a deep three!
Stephen Hawking takes over in the closing moments! Dominating like a university professor who owns the room!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
LeBron James makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Stephen Hawking makes the 'call us' gesture. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
112-113 (L)
The game begins and Shaquille O'Neal is ready! You can see a killer instinct written all over his face!
Sean Combs with the tough bank shot through contact! This max-contract guy won't be denied!
LeBron James gets caught flat-footed! This undisputed superstar beaten to the spot!
LeBron James, this absolute legend, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
Sean Combs forces the turnover! This reliable star creating opportunities on both ends!
The players leave the court. Excelangue clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know? Excelangue has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Sean Combs drives but can't score in the extra period! Opportunity lost!
Sean Combs shakes their head! A philanthropist who can't believe that just happened!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, chokes on the big stage! In the money time miss!
LeBron James launches to the tunnel in disappointment. This franchise cornerstone will learn from this.
LeBron James watches the crowd file out in silence. Sean Combs prefers not to look. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-102 (W)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! Scary good handles preparation showing!
LeBron James forces the shot-clock violation! Nerves of steel on full display!
Sean Combs can't hit from the corner! That zone is cursed for this philanthropist!
A step-back three! Shaquille O'Neal cannot be stopped tonight! This hall-of-fame lock is locked in!
LeBron James identifies the soft spot in the zone! This once-in-a-lifetime player surgical precision!
Players head to the locker room. Excelangue has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Excelangue failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Sean Combs launches and finishes through contact! And-one during crunch time!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
You can cut the tension with a knife! A Playoff atmosphere as Shaquille O'Neal steps up!
Sean Combs, this tweener, with the late-game double-clutch layup! Nerves of steel shining through!
LeBron James can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Excelangue slides across the court in his socks while Shaquille O'Neal splashes water on everyone. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-118 (L)
Shaquille O'Neal explodes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this generational talent!
Excelangue puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their keen snout can save that!
Sean Combs coughs up the ball! Occasional mental lapses strikes again off the pick and roll!
This diamond in the rough Excelangue can't recover! Scored on from mid-range! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
An and-one from Shaquille O'Neal! This all-time great reminding everyone why they're on top!
Halftime. Excelangue wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Locker room anecdote: Excelangue talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, with the frustrated foul! Injury-prone body in tough moments!
Stephen Hawking misses the free throw! Challenging the young scholars under pressure is easier!
Excelangue uses the hesitation dribble! Ridiculous creativity creating separation!
Stephen Hawking, this tweener, laboring up and down! Limited stamina draining the energy!
Stephen Hawking vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their lecture notes reinforced with the young scholars!
Shaquille O'Neal mutters while walking out. LeBron James watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Did you know that LeBron James practices university professor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
101-115 (L)
Stephen Hawking checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Stephen Hawking launches a half-court heave and... Airball! Occasional mental lapses at its peak!
Excelangue double-dribbles! Sniffing the hidden contraband doesn't have that rule!
LeBron James scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
Excelangue scores at will! A pull-up jumper facing the rim! This dude out of nowhere domination!
The players leave the court. Shaquille O'Neal clings to the tunnel railing. Juicy anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Sean Combs looks to the heavens! A philanthropist praying for their bare hands to work!
Stephen Hawking misfires on the floater! Too much float, the university professor touch abandoned them!
Sean Combs sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a philanthropist at work!
Excelangue mops their face! Sweating more than when sniffing the hidden contraband!
Stephen Hawking takes the loss hard! Hard as the young scholars on a bad university professor day!
Shaquille O'Neal presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. LeBron James walks right past without noticing. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
75-120 (L)
Sean Combs takes the court to immense pressure! The philanthropist with their bare hands is here!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, comes up empty! A floater off target from way beyond the arc!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
LeBron James gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Excelangue slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a detection dog hits the workbench!
Coach calls everyone back. LeBron James drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know LeBron James entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
LeBron James, this 7-footer, can't get a floater to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Excelangue asks for ice! Cooling down, even a detection dog's engine needs a rest!
Excelangue, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Sean Combs can't mask the disappointment! This elite player wearing it on the sleeve!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Hawking's gaze is cold, distant. Excelangue's gaze is hot, angry. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
My Team ends the season #8 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Shaquille O'Neal on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 216 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Excelangue, his brother-in-law and a detection dog by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their keen snout and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Excelangue can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the hidden contraband to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."
My Team ends the season #8 with a 9W-6L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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