My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Barack Obama is on this team. Barack Obama, who is a community organizer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their bullhorn under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-119 (L)
Barack Obama announces themselves! The community organizer has arrived and the building knows it!
Donald Trump, this basketball god, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Joe Biden commits the live-ball turnover! Their lecture notes would be ashamed!
Joe Biden watches helplessly! A university professor watching the young scholars fall off the shelf!
Donald Trump mutters to himself walking back! This potential GOAT fighting inner demons!
Halftime. Barack Obama's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Word is Barack Obama sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Bill Clinton bricks it! Not the same accuracy as navigating the political storm!
This household name Donald Trump is a warrior but the body says no! The 4 periods of 12 minutes of war!
Barack Obama loses the pill! A community organizer would never be this careless!
Bill Clinton shakes their head! A statesperson who can't believe that just happened!
Barack Obama reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Bill Clinton stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. George W. Bush comes back to get him. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
107-117 (L)
Joe Biden checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
George W. Bush misses from the corner! From downtown is no place for their command saber!
Turnover by Joe Biden! Challenging the young scholars requires less coordination, clearly!
Joe Biden bites on the fake! Fooled like a university professor by counterfeit the young scholars!
Barack Obama rises up and scores! Those community organizer hands work wonders with the basketball!
Rest. Bill Clinton buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Exclusive: Bill Clinton was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Joe Biden, this certified GOAT candidate, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Barack Obama shanks it from the top of the key! Rallying the neighborhood uses different muscles!
This potential GOAT George W. Bush uses the floater over this versatile guy coverage! Smart!
George W. Bush soldiers on! The soldier who leads the field platoon with their command saber!
Donald Trump walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to film producer life tomorrow!
Donald Trump shakes George W. Bush's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Donald Trump's name. Forgive me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
96-99 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the Spalding pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
George W. Bush attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a pull-up jumper! Too good!
Bill Clinton gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Joe Biden misses at after a timeout! A university professor dropping the young scholars at the worst time!
George W. Bush converts the and-one! An and-one! This household name won't go quietly!
Break. Barack Obama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Rumor has it Barack Obama talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Bill Clinton steps back and slips! Turnover in the final quarter! Limited stamina!
This absolute legend Barack Obama stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Donald Trump takes off with conviction! This basketball god believes tonight is the night!
Barack Obama loses the handle at after a timeout! The community organizer grip vanished!
This certified GOAT candidate Joe Biden congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this certified GOAT candidate.
Donald Trump's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Bill Clinton breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
113-110 (W)
Bill Clinton, this undisputed superstar, draws first blood! A finger roll to start!
Bill Clinton swats it away! A double team with that statesperson strength!
A bank shot by George W. Bush from the right corner is way off! Tough night for this basketball god!
This first-ballot legend Donald Trump punishes the defense with a thunderous slam from mid-range!
George W. Bush counters the press! Problem solved, officer style!
That's a cut. Bill Clinton stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. True story: Bill Clinton had his parking spot stolen by Philadelphia Injury-Report's mascot. Still talks about it. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Joe Biden with the dagger! Sharp as their lecture notes in a university professor's hands!
Joe Biden with the rejection! Get that out of here! University professor says no!
Chants of 'university professor! University professor!' fill the venue for Joe Biden!
Joe Biden wants the ball and delivers! A fadeaway jumper in the final quarter! Clutch gene!
George W. Bush wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their command saber and the rock!
Donald Trump pretends to plant a flag at center court. George W. Bush stands at attention. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-117 (L)
Donald Trump, this franchise cornerstone, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
George W. Bush misses the layup! Even the field platoon would have gone in easier!
Joe Biden trips up in the high post! A university professor never trips at work... Right?
Donald Trump gets blown by! Even a film producer couldn't stop that!
Barack Obama drains it! Emptying the tank like a community organizer on double shift!
Both teams head to the locker room. George W. Bush wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: George W. Bush once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
George W. Bush vents at their teammates! The officer who vents about the field platoon!
George W. Bush rises up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
Bill Clinton iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with statesperson focus!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, laboring up and down! Injury-prone body draining the energy!
George W. Bush sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an officer after their command saber broke!
George W. Bush is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Donald Trump waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
115-105 (W)
This living legend Joe Biden opens the scoring! A free throw! Early advantage!
George W. Bush scores from under the basket! A pull-up jumper with silky smooth technique! Brilliant!
Barack Obama shuts down the lane! Closed for business, like a community organizer closing the neighborhood!
Barack Obama with the bounce pass! This franchise cornerstone threading it perfectly!
Donald Trump controls the glass! Board work as precise as a day job with their loaded checkbook!
Break. Donald Trump asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Anecdote: Donald Trump once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Bill Clinton pops the jumper! Clean as their diplomatic pouch after a polish!
Fans hold up the field platoon signs for George W. Bush! What a scene!
Bill Clinton, this basketball god, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
George W. Bush carries the weight of their command saber and the Spalding with equal grace!
This franchise cornerstone Joe Biden wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Barack Obama launches his shoe into the air. Joe Biden catches it. Standing ovation. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
100-124 (L)
Barack Obama rises up into position! This all-time great not wasting any time!
George W. Bush fires a half-court heave in transition but can't connect! Occasional mental lapses showing!
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump commits the offensive foul! Turnover from way beyond the arc!
Bill Clinton gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the political storm on a rough day!
Donald Trump answers back with a deep three! An off-the-charts basketball IQ under pressure!
End of the first half. Joe Biden is beet red but still standing. Confession: Joe Biden tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated under the basket!
Joe Biden drives the orange awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this generational talent!
Joe Biden adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran university professor!
Donald Trump grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a film producer finishing the risky picture!
Joe Biden walks off in defeat! Even a university professor's skills couldn't save tonight!
Barack Obama hurls his water bottle at the wall. Joe Biden flinches but doesn't react. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
99-111 (L)
Barack Obama comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the community organizer means business!
Barack Obama gets blocked! Rejected harder than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
George W. Bush with the careless pass! Leading the field platoon with more care, please!
Joe Biden overcommits! Going all-in like a university professor on the young scholars, but wrong!
Barack Obama banks it at the top of the key! A community organizer's steady hand at work!
First half is done. Barack Obama is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Barack Obama was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Barack Obama pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The community organizer in them is showing!
This basketball god Bill Clinton with a rare miss from the right corner! Even the best stumble!
Donald Trump overloads one side! Loading up with film producer strategy!
Joe Biden leans on their knees! Gassed, but the university professor keeps going!
Barack Obama wipes a tear! A community organizer who poured everything into the effort!
Bill Clinton takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. George W. Bush doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I got a text from Bill Clinton after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-117 (L)
Donald Trump, this solid build, sets the tone immediately! Silky smooth technique from the jump!
George W. Bush, this first-ballot legend, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
Donald Trump with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Bill Clinton beaten to the spot! Slower than a statesperson on a Monday morning!
Joe Biden drives and scores! A step-back three! This swiss-army-knife type is a problem!
Halftime whistle. Joe Biden spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know? Joe Biden tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Joe Biden explodes away from the huddle! This franchise cornerstone in a dark place mentally!
Donald Trump forces a bad bucket! This basketball god needs to trust teammates!
Bill Clinton exploits the mismatch! Finding weakness with their diplomatic pouch acumen!
George W. Bush is gassed! More tired than after a full day of leading the field platoon!
Despite the loss, Barack Obama held their own with the neighborhood! The community organizer fought!
Barack Obama stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. George W. Bush exhales. Again. And again. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
100-105 (L)
Joe Biden takes the court to wild stands! The university professor with their lecture notes is here!
Bill Clinton, this combo guard, uses every inch to deliver a floater!
Bill Clinton, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
This hall-of-fame lock Bill Clinton whiffs on a tear drop! The crowd groans!
Donald Trump turns an incredible energy into a frenzy! Like deadline day for a film producer!
Rest. George W. Bush buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Intel: George W. Bush refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Barack Obama turns it over on the final possession! Worst time to drop the Wilson!
George W. Bush storms to the bench! Heated! This officer doesn't handle losing well!
George W. Bush is writing the story tonight! This living legend with a buzzer-beater off the pick and roll!
Joe Biden fumbles the inbound! Monday morning vibes from this university professor!
Bill Clinton leaves the venue with dignity! The dignity of a statesperson with their diplomatic pouch!
Joe Biden presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. George W. Bush walks right past without noticing. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
95-129 (L)
Joe Biden gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
Bill Clinton can't hit from the elbow! That zone is cursed for this statesperson!
Donald Trump dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
George W. Bush gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Barack Obama slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a community organizer hits the workbench!
The players head to the locker room. Bill Clinton is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Bill Clinton slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
This household name Barack Obama shanks a fadeaway jumper from the left corner! That's uncharacteristic!
George W. Bush grabs the shorts! This living legend is running on fumes!
Bill Clinton, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
George W. Bush mouths off in the money time! An officer venting about the field platoon!
Bill Clinton walks off in silence. This undisputed superstar gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Donald Trump sits on the bench, staring into nothing. George W. Bush has his head in his hands. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
Joe Biden huddles with the team! Huddling up, the university professor strategizes!
Donald Trump short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their loaded checkbook!
This potential GOAT Barack Obama forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
George W. Bush gets screened out! Stuck behind their command saber like it's a wall!
Donald Trump can't mask the disappointment! This global icon wearing it on the sleeve!
That's a cut. Bill Clinton stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Intel: Bill Clinton refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Bill Clinton misses the open look! A statesperson never misses the political storm... But misses the Spalding!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Donald Trump launches the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this undisputed superstar!
Barack Obama can't hide the frustration! Their bullhorn frustration meets the ball frustration!
Barack Obama sits alone on the bench. This household name processing the defeat.
Donald Trump rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Joe Biden picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-125 (L)
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, takes the court! The packed arena is electric!
Bill Clinton lets fly the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This absolute legend Bill Clinton with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Joe Biden can't contain the drive! Challenging the young scholars is more containable!
George W. Bush, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Tendency to rush taking over!
Halftime! Barack Obama has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know? Barack Obama once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
George W. Bush skips it off the rim! The field platoon has better hop than that!
Bill Clinton finds a second wind! The statesperson engine roars back to life!
This all-time great Barack Obama gets pickpocketed along the baseline! Sloppy handling!
George W. Bush, this solid build, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
Joe Biden refuses to make excuses! A university professor owns the young scholars failures too!
Joe Biden whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. George W. Bush nods without conviction. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
84-128 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden comes out firing! A two-handed slam in the first minute!
Bill Clinton fires away but overcooks it! Ego the size of Texas showing up again!
Joe Biden launches into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Tendency to force bad shots!
Bill Clinton beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the political storm slipping from a statesperson!
George W. Bush walks away muttering! Muttering about the field platoon under their breath!
Break! George W. Bush grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: George W. Bush once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Bill Clinton with the off-balance pull-up jumper! This first-ballot legend couldn't set the feet!
Barack Obama slows down visibly! Slower than their bullhorn on low power!
Bill Clinton with the backcourt violation! This guy with rings on every finger under too much pressure!
Bill Clinton, this first-ballot legend, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
This undisputed superstar Barack Obama stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this undisputed superstar wanted.
George W. Bush lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Donald Trump holds his in. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
76-120 (L)
And we're underway! George W. Bush touches the pill first! This potential GOAT looks eager!
Barack Obama shoots an air ball in a sold-out gym on fire! A community organizer lost in the noise!
Joe Biden loses possession! The young scholars never leaves a university professor's hands like that!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over defense that's basically a suggestion!
Donald Trump tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Break time. George W. Bush bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: George W. Bush fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, can't finish facing the rim! That one stings!
Joe Biden is spent! Used up like the young scholars after a university professor's long day!
Barack Obama throws it away! A pass worse than a community organizer tossing the neighborhood!
Barack Obama, this tweener, sits down hard on the bench! Sometimes predictable game written all over his face!
Barack Obama hangs their head! A community organizer who gave everything they had!
George W. Bush mutters while walking out. Donald Trump watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Barack Obama is on this team. Barack Obama, who is a community organizer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their bullhorn under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
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