Harry Potter — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Harry Potter | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Harry Potter! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Ron Weasley on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Draco Malfoy. The man. Is. A student. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A student. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a student and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Game time! Albus Dumbledore and this global icon ready to put on a show at the venue!
Albus Dumbledore launches from deep and misses! A researcher's range doesn't apply here!
Rubeus Hagrid charges right into the defender! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion when controlling pace!
Albus Dumbledore beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the unknown variable slipping from a researcher!
This absolute legend Harry Potter shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime! Draco Malfoy looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Fun fact: Draco Malfoy blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Draco Malfoy misfires on the floater! Too much float, the student touch abandoned them!
Rubeus Hagrid is visibly tired! This unknown gem needs a timeout badly!
Stolen from Ron Weasley! An engineer who let it slip through their fingers!
This player nobody saw coming Ron Weasley gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Albus Dumbledore hangs their head! A researcher who gave everything they had!
Albus Dumbledore shakes Ron Weasley's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Tonight I had a revelation: Ron Weasley runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
84-113 (L)
Albus Dumbledore starts in the rim protector! Playing the rim protector the way a researcher plays with their lab notebook!
Brick! Draco Malfoy misfires under the basket! Lack of consistency at the worst time!
Draco Malfoy throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure facing the rim!
Harry Potter bites on the pump fake! This global icon sent flying in transition!
A step-back three by Albus Dumbledore from mid-range! Scary good handles in every fiber!
End of the first half. Albus Dumbledore is beet red but still standing. Word is Albus Dumbledore sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Ron Weasley kicks the air! The frustration of an engineer who knows they can do better!
That one wasn't even close, Draco Malfoy! Stick to competing the game!
Ron Weasley calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's engineer mentality!
This who-is-this-guy player Rubeus Hagrid can barely jump! The springs are gone facing the rim!
Harry Potter shakes hands through the pain! A juggler who respects their bare hands and the game!
Harry Potter mutters 'damn' under his breath. Albus Dumbledore says 'yeah' in the same tone. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-109 (L)
The floor welcomes Draco Malfoy! The student with the game has arrived!
Harry Potter can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The ball through the hoop, nope!
Ron Weasley, this all-around player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted on the low block!
Harry Potter gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
The technical flair of Draco Malfoy recalls their student days. A bank shot! Sublime!
Halftime whistle. Draco Malfoy flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Draco Malfoy tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Ron Weasley vents at their teammates! The engineer who vents about the impossible structure!
Albus Dumbledore goes to work the Wilson but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Albus Dumbledore makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true researcher!
Draco Malfoy asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy everybody knows needs air!
Draco Malfoy walks off in defeat! Even a student's skills couldn't save tonight!
Ron Weasley and Albus Dumbledore share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Tonight I had a revelation: Albus Dumbledore runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
86-130 (L)
Harry Potter, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A roaring arena!
Albus Dumbledore shoots and fires but misses everything! Shaky emotions under pressure tonight!
Ron Weasley loses possession! The impossible structure never leaves an engineer's hands like that!
Albus Dumbledore gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Rubeus Hagrid glares at the scoreboard! This guy nobody was talking about not happy with the situation!
End of the second quarter. Harry Potter is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Harry Potter slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Harry Potter misses! Even a juggler can't fix that shot!
Rubeus Hagrid grabs the shorts! This surprise package is running on fumes!
Intercepted! Draco Malfoy's pass snatched right out of the air! A student would never be that careless!
Ron Weasley, this hidden prospect, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Ron Weasley vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their slide rule reinforced with the impossible structure!
Harry Potter sits on the floor in the hallway. Draco Malfoy sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-117 (L)
Albus Dumbledore locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a researcher who means business!
Draco Malfoy misfires from the left corner! Even this world-class player has off nights!
Harry Potter with the backcourt violation! A juggler going backwards with the game!
Albus Dumbledore lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this living legend fooled!
This potential GOAT Harry Potter hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Break! Harry Potter takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Exclusive: Harry Potter was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Rubeus Hagrid, this hidden prospect, comes up empty! A bank shot off target under the basket!
Draco Malfoy tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a student's energy for the game!
Draco Malfoy with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Albus Dumbledore, this living legend, yells at the coaching staff! Shaky emotions under pressure causing friction!
This rising star Rubeus Hagrid tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Harry Potter bites his lip, fists clenched. Draco Malfoy shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
77-122 (L)
Ron Weasley looks dialed in from the start! Insane court vision preparation showing!
Harry Potter, this do-it-all player, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates driving to the hoop!
This potential GOAT Albus Dumbledore commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
Ron Weasley gets burned on the drive! Injury-prone body in lateral movement!
Albus Dumbledore mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
The players leave the court. Albus Dumbledore clings to the tunnel railing. Rumor has it Albus Dumbledore does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Albus Dumbledore can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the unknown variable, a researcher always hits!
Albus Dumbledore is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure researcher stubbornness!
Rubeus Hagrid coughs up the Spalding! Sometimes predictable game strikes again from the right corner!
Draco Malfoy, this tweener, waves off the play call! Injury-prone body hurting the team!
This potential breakout star Rubeus Hagrid leaves the hardwood with head held high. Fought to the end.
Albus Dumbledore turns back to look at the court one last time. Ron Weasley doesn't turn around. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
80-125 (L)
This dude out of nowhere Rubeus Hagrid in the starting lineup! Let's see what this dude out of nowhere brings!
Harry Potter bricks it! Not the same accuracy as competing the game!
Albus Dumbledore with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the unknown variable!
Harry Potter gets screened out of the play! This franchise cornerstone lost in traffic!
Harry Potter tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the juggler will bounce back!
End of the first half. Rubeus Hagrid is beet red but still standing. Anecdote: Rubeus Hagrid once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Ron Weasley with the off-balance off-balance shot! This who-is-this-guy player couldn't set the feet!
Ron Weasley gulps water! As thirsty as an engineer reaching for the impossible structure!
This all-time great Harry Potter with turnover number buckets! Limited stamina is piling up!
Ron Weasley throws their hands up! Like an engineer when their slide rule breaks!
Rubeus Hagrid walks off in silence. This potential breakout star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Draco Malfoy hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Harry Potter keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Evening confession: I'm wearing Draco Malfoy's jersey under my shirt. For morale. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-131 (L)
Tip-off! Albus Dumbledore gets us started! Let's go!
Rubeus Hagrid air-mails a half-court heave back to the basket! Way off for this who-is-this-guy player!
Rubeus Hagrid, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Injury-prone body when protecting the rock!
Ron Weasley left in the dust! Even an engineer moves faster than that!
Draco Malfoy, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the buzzer!
Halftime whistle. Rubeus Hagrid high-fives his teammates on the way out. Confession: Rubeus Hagrid believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Draco Malfoy sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this student!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Harry Potter can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Ron Weasley throws it away! A pass worse than an engineer tossing the impossible structure!
Rubeus Hagrid crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This guy nobody was talking about losing composure!
Albus Dumbledore refuses to make excuses! A researcher owns the unknown variable failures too!
Albus Dumbledore refuses the coach's embrace. Rubeus Hagrid accepts it but his body is stiff. I got a text from Albus Dumbledore after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
75-119 (L)
Harry Potter opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This household name making an early statement!
Harry Potter gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the juggler touch can't save that one!
Albus Dumbledore double-dribbles! Investigating the unknown variable doesn't have that rule!
Harry Potter gets posted up and scored on! This global icon overpowered!
Ron Weasley dishes the towel! This newcomer showing lack of consistency!
Break! Harry Potter heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Juicy intel: Harry Potter turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Ron Weasley rattles in and out! The impossible structure never teases an engineer like that!
Harry Potter, this solid build, looks exhausted at the buzzer! The legs are gone!
Rubeus Hagrid loses the basketball in traffic! This newcomer can't afford that!
Draco Malfoy slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a student hits the workbench!
Harry Potter consoles teammates! The heart of a juggler in that moment!
Harry Potter takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Rubeus Hagrid follows the same path. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-135 (L)
This all-time great Albus Dumbledore opens the scoring! An off-balance shot! Early advantage!
A hook shot by Rubeus Hagrid driving to the hoop is way off! Tough night for this dude out of nowhere!
Draco Malfoy dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a student like that!
Ron Weasley watches them score! Just watching, like watching their slide rule gather dust!
Draco Malfoy drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a student's spirit has limits!
Halftime whistle. Harry Potter flops into the first available chair. Confession: Harry Potter calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. We're back! The players look fired up.
A buzzer beater attempt by Draco Malfoy falls short! Hot head in the legs!
Rubeus Hagrid is cramping up! This newcomer trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
Harry Potter with a wild pass that sails out! This global icon giving it away!
Draco Malfoy can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the ball frustration!
Albus Dumbledore, this all-around player, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Albus Dumbledore mutters 'damn' under his breath. Harry Potter says 'yeah' in the same tone. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-122 (L)
Ron Weasley wins the opening tip! Tipping off with engineer energy!
Air ball from Albus Dumbledore! Being a researcher doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This global icon Harry Potter loses concentration and the leather with it!
Ron Weasley gets posterized! An engineer framed by their slide rule in the worst way!
Harry Potter, this potential GOAT, with the frustrated foul! Lack of consistency in tough moments!
Halftime whistle! Rubeus Hagrid slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Rubeus Hagrid threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Draco Malfoy with the ugly miss! The student touch is absent tonight!
Harry Potter is running on pure willpower! This global icon refusing to quit!
Rubeus Hagrid, this smooth operator, gets stripped at half court! Tendency to rush exposed!
Albus Dumbledore waves off the play! The authority of a researcher in that gesture!
Draco Malfoy fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the student gave everything!
Ron Weasley looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Albus Dumbledore looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-123 (L)
Harry Potter drives into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
This unknown gem Rubeus Hagrid whiffs on an off-balance shot! The crowd groans!
This surprise package Ron Weasley dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This rising star Ron Weasley picks up the cheap foul! Lack of consistency showing!
Ron Weasley pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The engineer in them is showing!
Halftime whistle! Ron Weasley grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Ron Weasley listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Harry Potter can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this undisputed superstar!
Ron Weasley mops their face! Sweating more than when building the impossible structure!
This diamond in the rough Rubeus Hagrid gets pickpocketed back to the basket! Sloppy handling!
This basketball god Albus Dumbledore can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Harry Potter tips the cap to the winners! The juggler's grace with the game!
Ron Weasley bites the inside of his cheek. Albus Dumbledore pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I had a revelation: Albus Dumbledore runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-120 (L)
Albus Dumbledore checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Ron Weasley misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Draco Malfoy tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Hot head in the decision-making!
Draco Malfoy overcommits and gets beat! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the play!
Harry Potter slams the rock in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Back in the locker room, Ron Weasley sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Ron Weasley tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Albus Dumbledore sends it wide! Their lab notebook wouldn't forgive that either!
Draco Malfoy cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the leather double duty!
Harry Potter throws it into the stands! What was that from this guy with rings on every finger!
Ron Weasley looks to the heavens! An engineer praying for their slide rule to work!
This guy with rings on every finger Albus Dumbledore congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this guy with rings on every finger.
Harry Potter's lip is trembling. Draco Malfoy dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Harry Potter steps onto the arena! From competing the game to this, game time!
Rubeus Hagrid can't buy a bucket! Another miss from downtown! Frustrating!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Albus Dumbledore forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Draco Malfoy, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Heavy feet exposed!
Harry Potter shakes their head! A juggler who can't believe that just happened!
End of the second quarter. Albus Dumbledore is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Albus Dumbledore tried to impress the San Antonio Skyscrapers players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
This rising star Rubeus Hagrid shanks a buzzer beater from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
This dude out of nowhere Ron Weasley signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Hot head!
Draco Malfoy forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Draco Malfoy crosses over away from the huddle! This max-contract guy in a dark place mentally!
Draco Malfoy walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to student life tomorrow!
Albus Dumbledore shakes Ron Weasley's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
85-129 (L)
Albus Dumbledore announces themselves! The researcher has arrived and the building knows it!
Ron Weasley goes 0 for the quarter! An engineer having a rough shift with their slide rule!
Draco Malfoy, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass on the low block!
Harry Potter gets caught flat-footed! This potential GOAT beaten to the spot!
Albus Dumbledore picks up the second technical! This once-in-a-lifetime player ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Both teams head in. Rubeus Hagrid has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Juicy intel: Rubeus Hagrid turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
This generational talent Albus Dumbledore misses the mark! A buzzer-beater goes begging driving to the hoop!
Harry Potter waves for a timeout! The juggler needs the game break!
Rubeus Hagrid, this swiss-army-knife type, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
This living legend Harry Potter slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Rubeus Hagrid, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite iron discipline effort.
Ron Weasley mutters while walking out. Draco Malfoy watches from the corner of his eye, worried. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Harry Potter finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ron Weasley.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Harry Potter!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Ron Weasley on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Draco Malfoy. The man. Is. A student. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A student. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a student and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Harry Potter finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ron Weasley.
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