hahahahahhahaa — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | hahahahahhahaa | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Hahahahahhahaa! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Nikola Jokić. Standing at 208 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. The chef's surprise of the evening is Julius Caesar. A military personnel by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the frontline with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. Now we're talking real money. They're above the cap but being careful not to cross into luxury tax territory. They're using their trade exceptions and mid-level to plug the gaps. This is a playoff-caliber team: they've got the goods, a balanced roster, but they're always one big move short of landing a true superstar.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Nikola Jokić comes out firing! An alley-oop in the first minute!
Trae Young explodes the basketball into nothing! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display tonight!
Julius Caesar dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the military personnel's finest moment!
Julius Caesar overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
Ziare Wells, this potential breakout star, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Back in the locker room, Julius Caesar sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Julius Caesar has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
An off-balance shot from Julius Caesar goes in and out! Heartbreaking from the right corner!
Cade Cunningham takes off sluggishly! Limited stamina catching up with this league veteran!
Trae Young with the backcourt violation! This well-respected player under too much pressure!
Cade Cunningham rises up angrily after the turnover! This player making noise spiraling!
This dark horse Ziare Wells tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Trae Young refuses the coach's embrace. Cade Cunningham accepts it but his body is stiff. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
84-108 (L)
Nikola Jokić, this max-contract guy, draws first blood! A euro-step to start!
Cade Cunningham dishes the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Trae Young coughs up the ball! Tendency to rush strikes again in the paint!
Ziare Wells, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily in transition! Occasional mental lapses!
Julius Caesar dishes past everyone for a buzzer beater! This tweener on a mission!
Break. Nikola Jokić collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. True story: Nikola Jokić had his parking spot stolen by Miami Heart-Attack's mascot. Still talks about it. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Trae Young drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!
A two-handed slam from Julius Caesar sails wide! This absolute legend needs to regroup!
Ziare Wells spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
This potential GOAT Julius Caesar can barely jump! The springs are gone back to the basket!
Ziare Wells reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Trae Young avoids the cameras like the plague. Cade Cunningham gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
105-90 (W)
Julius Caesar stretches center court! Loosening up, the military personnel is getting ready!
Cade Cunningham, this player making noise, drops a two-handed slam at the top of the key! Pure artistry!
Trae Young pressures the inbound! This seasoned vet with relentless night-in night-out consistency!
This headliner Nikola Jokić connects on the pick-and-roll! Assist for a half-court heave!
Cade Cunningham dribbles into the right spacing! Natural-born leadership and elite court awareness!
Intermission. Nikola Jokić dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Physio's confession: Nikola Jokić purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
A double-clutch layup from Julius Caesar! This all-time great is putting on a show tonight!
Cade Cunningham rises up to an eruption! A crowd fully behind them! What a moment!
Ziare Wells, this versatile guy, boxes out for the teammate! This hidden prospect doing the dirty work!
Julius Caesar's teammates feed off the military personnel energy! That confidence is contagious!
Ziare Wells, this total unknown, high-fives the bench! A hug with the coach! Team effort!
Julius Caesar mimes popping a champagne bottle. Nikola Jokić mimes chugging straight from it. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
101-110 (L)
Trae Young lets fly into position! This name that's buzzing not wasting any time!
Cade Cunningham gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Julius Caesar with the careless pass! Defending the frontline with more care, please!
Ziare Wells, this solid build, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
Nikola Jokić lets fly and fires a scoop layup! This oversized freak lighting it up!
Intermission. Nikola Jokić dumps an entire water bottle over his head. They say Nikola Jokić has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
This hooper's hooper Cade Cunningham slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Trae Young can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
Ziare Wells makes the hockey pass! Iron discipline finding the extra pass!
Cade Cunningham explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Ziare Wells, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort.
Nikola Jokić hurls his water bottle at the wall. Trae Young flinches but doesn't react. Behind the scenes, I learned Trae Young was also a military personnel in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-110 (W)
Julius Caesar sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!
Ziare Wells, this versatile guy, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by insane court vision!
Julius Caesar just barely misses! Close as a military personnel getting the frontline almost right!
Julius Caesar with another deep three! You can't stop this man!
This bonafide star Nikola Jokić with the savvy veteran play! Iron discipline experience showing!
Halftime whistle! Ziare Wells slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Ziare Wells tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Trae Young drives and drills it! Coming out of the locker room! That dawg mentality under pressure!
Cade Cunningham plays the passing angle perfectly! Deflection by this up-and-coming baller!
The building is buzzing! Nikola Jokić and a packed arena creating magic!
Julius Caesar takes the tough shot and makes it! Tough as defending the frontline!
Trae Young pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This guy with a proven track record savors the win!
Ziare Wells and Cade Cunningham do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
109-99 (W)
This surprise package Ziare Wells in the starting lineup! Let's see what this surprise package brings!
Trae Young, this low-to-the-ground speedster, muscles in for a thunderous slam! Pure power!
Nikola Jokić, this tower, clamps down in the clutch! Elite a surgical steal!
Trae Young reads the defense like a book! Assist back to the basket! Eyes in the back of the head!
Ziare Wells reads the defense perfectly! Scary good handles and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime! Cade Cunningham checks his stats on the board and winces. I've been told Cade Cunningham once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Nikola Jokić hits a finger roll! Pure God-given talent proving to be the difference tonight!
Deafening noise! Ziare Wells dunks and the building shakes!
This guy with a proven track record Cade Cunningham unites the locker room! An off-the-charts basketball IQ captain's mentality!
The announcers share Julius Caesar's military personnel story,defending the frontline since age 16!
Cade Cunningham, this towering presence, takes the final bow! A hug with the coach! Dominant display!
Trae Young and Julius Caesar pretend to fish Cade Cunningham out of the crowd. They pull hard. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
92-111 (L)
Cade Cunningham, this seasoned vet, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Trae Young fires a buzzer beater along the baseline but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Julius Caesar trips up in beyond the arc! A military personnel never trips at work... Right?
This dude out of nowhere Ziare Wells misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Cade Cunningham! That's insane court vision at the highest level!
Halftime whistle! Cade Cunningham grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Little secret: Cade Cunningham has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Nikola Jokić slams the basketball in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Trae Young misfires at the top of the key! Even this player on the come-up has off nights!
Trae Young, this compact dynamo, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Julius Caesar can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of defending the frontline!
Ziare Wells sits alone on the bench. This surprise package processing the defeat.
Cade Cunningham walks head down toward the tunnel. Julius Caesar drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-108 (L)
Cade Cunningham, this hooper's hooper, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Cade Cunningham, this colossus, bobbles the pill and the chance evaporates in the paint!
This seasoned vet Cade Cunningham commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
This player on the come-up Cade Cunningham gives up the offensive rebound! Occasional mental lapses when boxing out!
This diamond in the rough Ziare Wells finishes with authority! A buzzer beater from the right corner!
Players head to the locker room. Julius Caesar has tape on three fingers. They say Julius Caesar has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Julius Caesar pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The military personnel in them is showing!
Ziare Wells with the contested half-court heave from the left corner! No good! Bad selection!
Cade Cunningham, this legit talent, manipulates the defense with the eyes! A killer instinct!
Nikola Jokić asks for the ball to slow the pace! This bonafide star needs air!
Trae Young dishes to the tunnel in disappointment. This solid pro will learn from this.
Cade Cunningham's lip is trembling. Julius Caesar dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
96-122 (L)
This potential GOAT Julius Caesar opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
Ziare Wells, this tweener, wastes a golden chance with a wild euro-step!
This next-level player Cade Cunningham loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Julius Caesar beaten to the spot! Slower than a military personnel on a Monday morning!
This franchise guy Nikola Jokić goes to work from way beyond the arc! A fadeaway jumper drops beautifully!
Halftime whistle! Trae Young grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Trae Young fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Cade Cunningham crosses over away from the huddle! This player on the come-up in a dark place mentally!
Julius Caesar launches a double-clutch layup and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
Ziare Wells identifies the soft spot in the zone! This newcomer surgical precision!
Julius Caesar stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a military personnel over the frontline!
Ziare Wells crosses over past the media. This newcomer not in the mood to talk.
Ziare Wells takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Cade Cunningham follows the same path. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-107 (W)
This guy with a proven track record Trae Young catches the orange early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This jersey-selling name Nikola Jokić comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Julius Caesar with a wild attempt! This generational talent not finding the range tonight!
Julius Caesar nails a fadeaway jumper from deep! Range like their service rifle reaching across the workshop!
This All-Star caliber talent Nikola Jokić recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Both teams head to the locker room. Ziare Wells wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Ziare Wells tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Trae Young, this established player, keeps composure and delivers a two-handed slam! A killer instinct!
This player nobody saw coming Ziare Wells anchors the defense facing the rim! Nothing gets through!
What a hostile crowd! Nikola Jokić and the fans creating a spectacle!
This global icon Julius Caesar steals it in the closing moments! Turns defense into points!
Julius Caesar, this undisputed superstar, soaks in the moment! Victory at the top of the key! A raised fist!
Cade Cunningham runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
99-112 (L)
This certified bucket Nikola Jokić comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater back to the basket!
Trae Young, this short king, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Trae Young charges right into the defender! Turnover! Injury-prone body when controlling pace!
Nikola Jokić gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!
Nikola Jokić catches fire! And it's a half-court heave! Nerves of steel taking over!
First half is done. Nikola Jokić is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Nikola Jokić got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Nikola Jokić, this jersey-selling name, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Cade Cunningham, this league veteran, comes up empty! A floater off target from downtown!
Nikola Jokić, this headliner, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a deep three!
Trae Young misses from fatigue! This legit talent can't get the elevation back to the basket!
Trae Young, this legit talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Julius Caesar refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Nikola Jokić watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-109 (L)
This jersey-selling name Nikola Jokić gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Julius Caesar whiffs on the jumper! A military personnel off their game with their service rifle!
This name that's buzzing Trae Young dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Trae Young gets burned on the drive! Occasional mental lapses in lateral movement!
Julius Caesar tallies another one! This military personnel keeps racking them up!
Halftime whistle. Trae Young flops into the first available chair. Anecdote of the day: Trae Young forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Nikola Jokić can't mask the disappointment! This certified bucket wearing it on the sleeve!
This seasoned vet Cade Cunningham puts up a devastating dunk but it won't fall! Off night!
Cade Cunningham blows past to the right spot! Natural-born leadership off-ball movement!
Nikola Jokić, this giant, laboring up and down! Limited stamina draining the energy!
This guy with a proven track record Cade Cunningham stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this guy with a proven track record wanted.
Nikola Jokić kicks his towel across the floor. Julius Caesar has already left for the locker room, alone. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-131 (L)
Trae Young opens with a two-handed slam! This solid pro making an early statement!
Trae Young takes off and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!
This potential breakout star Ziare Wells with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Nikola Jokić, this absolute unit, can't keep up with the speed! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Ziare Wells mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
The players leave the court. Nikola Jokić clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Nikola Jokić plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Ziare Wells forces a buzzer beater from way beyond the arc! This rising star trying too hard!
Julius Caesar bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a military personnel after their service rifle overtime!
Nikola Jokić dishes into a dead end on the low block! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
Cade Cunningham, this absolute unit, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Cade Cunningham walks off in silence. This solid pro gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Nikola Jokić's lip is trembling. Ziare Wells dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
104-115 (L)
Julius Caesar checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Air ball from Julius Caesar! Being a military personnel doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Julius Caesar gets picked! A military personnel getting the frontline stolen in broad daylight!
This potential breakout star Ziare Wells can't recover! Scored on facing the rim! Tendency to force bad shots!
This unknown gem Ziare Wells with a vintage catch-and-shoot triple! The old magic is still there!
Well-deserved break. Trae Young looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Anecdote of the day: Trae Young forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Nikola Jokić takes off and kicks the stanchion! This certified bucket losing composure!
Julius Caesar, this combo guard, can't get a euro-step to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This next-level player Trae Young calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
This max-contract guy Nikola Jokić can't close out! The legs are shot from mid-range!
Nikola Jokić, this towering presence, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Ziare Wells turns back to look at the court one last time. Cade Cunningham doesn't turn around. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-114 (L)
The game begins and Cade Cunningham is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Ziare Wells shoots the rock into the front rim! That's frustrating for this total unknown!
Trae Young, this miniature missile, gets called for the carry! Defense that's basically a suggestion in ball-handling!
This established player Trae Young commits the and-one foul! Limited stamina in positioning!
Trae Young, this miniature missile, shows negative body language! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!
End of the first half. Ziare Wells is beet red but still standing. Did you know Ziare Wells plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Julius Caesar, this all-around player, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Cade Cunningham short-arms the shot from fatigue! This hooper's hooper has nothing left!
Ziare Wells fires away the leather right to the defense! Costly mistake by this total unknown!
Cade Cunningham, this long boy, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Julius Caesar leaves the hardwood with dignity! The dignity of a military personnel with their service rifle!
Trae Young sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Julius Caesar puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
hahahahahhahaa finishes #11 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Nikola Jokić.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Hahahahahhahaa!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Nikola Jokić. Standing at 208 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Julius Caesar. A military personnel by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the frontline with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
Now we're talking real money. They're above the cap but being careful not to cross into luxury tax territory. They're using their trade exceptions and mid-level to plug the gaps. This is a playoff-caliber team: they've got the goods, a balanced roster, but they're always one big move short of landing a true superstar.
hahahahahhahaa finishes #11 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Nikola Jokić.
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