My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | New York Over-Timers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Saitama. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jörmungandr. The man. Is. A banker. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A banker. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a banker and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
91-115 (L)
Hulk, this absolute legend, embraces the sold-out gym on fire! Game on!
Superman launches from deep and misses! A superhero's range doesn't apply here!
Superman dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a superhero like that!
Superman gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Hulk banks a floater off the glass! Geometry learned from the scientist life!
The players head to the locker room. Goku is sweating like a racehorse. The staff told me Goku sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Superman pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The superhero in them is showing!
Superman misses the layup! Even the game would have gone in easier!
Saitama executes the delay! Patient as a superhero waiting for their bare hands results!
Goku misses the rotation! Too tired, like a farmer too tired for the stubborn soil!
This reliable star Goku congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this reliable star.
Goku's lip is trembling. Saitama dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I got a text from Goku after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
127-93 (W)
Superman, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Superman handles the Wilson like their bare hands. A reverse layup at half court! The precision of a superhero!
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
A floater from Goku under the basket! That's a statement right there!
This diamond in the rough Jörmungandr reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Halftime. Jörmungandr's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Fun fact: Jörmungandr tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jörmungandr blows past to the rack for a sky hook! Can't contain this all-around player!
Goku mercy-rules them! Even a farmer wouldn't be this ruthless!
Hulk treats the high post like their hidden truth station! Don't touch their spot!
Goku does a victory lap! Lapping the court with farmer swagger!
Hulk hangs up the jersey! Calling it a night, the scientist is done!
Goku and Saitama chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. I learned that Goku's father was a farmer. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
128-96 (W)
Jörmungandr launches into position! This hungry young player not wasting any time!
Jörmungandr muscles through for a devastating dunk! The strength of a banker moving the game!
This total unknown Saitama forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Hulk with the skip pass! Skipping over the defense, pure scientist vision!
This top-tier talent Goku attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Halftime whistle. Hulk high-fives his teammates on the way out. Quick anecdote about Hulk: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Goku knocks it down! Solid as a farmer with the seed dibber in hand!
Saitama signs a kid's the game! The superhero meets the next generation!
Jörmungandr rallies everyone! The rally of a banker rallying around the game!
This raw talent Saitama flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
Superman celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of their bare hands!
Hulk rips off his jersey and launches it into the crowd. Superman does the same. The coach rolls his eyes. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-107 (L)
Hulk sets the tone early! The scientist came to play tonight!
A sky hook from Superman! This potential GOAT reminding everyone why they're on top!
Jörmungandr, this smooth operator, gets exploited in the switch! Limited stamina exposed in the mismatch!
Hulk rushes a euro-step facing the rim! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Saitama with the momentum-shifting hook shot! This total unknown turning the tide!
Coach calls everyone back. Hulk drags his feet toward the tunnel. Staff confession: Hulk is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Saitama misses the game-tying shot! Even a superhero couldn't save that one!
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Superman is having a career night! Better than any day with their bare hands!
Saitama misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Superman tips the cap to the winners! The superhero's grace with the game!
Hulk sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Goku winces. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-88 (W)
Goku lands the first step-back three! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
This franchise guy Goku capitalizes off the pick and roll! A catch-and-shoot triple with scary good handles!
Hulk pressures the inbound! This absolute legend with relentless nerves of steel!
Saitama dunks the basketball through traffic! What a pass by this total unknown!
Superman slows the pace when the team needs it! This hall-of-fame lock tempo control!
Coach calls everyone back. Superman drags his feet toward the tunnel. They say Superman has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back! The players look fired up.
Hulk with the step-back floater! Creating space like a scientist with their lab notebook!
Superman soaks in an electric crowd! This undisputed superstar living for these moments!
Saitama barks out defensive calls! The voice of their bare hands echoes across the floor!
Win or lose, Hulk has earned respect tonight! This generational talent warrior spirit!
Goku can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Goku and Saitama pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
115-98 (W)
Opening possession for Saitama! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
What a shot from Jörmungandr! A banker bringing their bare hands energy to the gymnasium!
Goku defends the post! Sturdy as a farmer braced for impact!
Jörmungandr with the touch pass! Feathery as the game in a banker's hands!
Hulk uses a switch-everything defense brilliantly! Strategy from discoverring the hidden truth!
End of the second quarter. Saitama is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Saitama believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Jörmungandr scores from the left corner! A reverse layup with an off-the-charts basketball IQ! Brilliant!
The arena chants for Goku during every stoppage! Farmer pride echoes!
Hulk sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this scientist!
Saitama walks onto the temple of basketball with their bare hands swagger and the rock confidence!
Superman goes to work the trophy! This hall-of-fame lock adds to the collection! A chest bump!
Jörmungandr and Hulk pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-100 (W)
Saitama wins the opening tip! Tipping off with superhero energy!
Saitama recovers and blocks! That's the hustle of someone who works for a living!
Saitama forces a two-handed slam at half court! This surprise package trying too hard!
Hulk racks up a fadeaway jumper! Productive night for this scientist!
Superman, this versatile guy, sets a brick-wall screen! Insane court vision on full display!
Back in the locker room, Superman sits down and stares at the ceiling. True story: Superman had his parking spot stolen by Toronto Border-Patrol's mascot. Still talks about it. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Goku with the dagger catch-and-shoot triple! This All-Star caliber talent buries the opposition!
Saitama, this raw talent, walls up from the left corner! Impenetrable defense!
The arena is electric! This total unknown Jörmungandr thriving in a crowd fully behind them!
Jörmungandr nails the pull-up in the money time! Pulling up with the confidence of a banker on game day!
Goku pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This reliable star savors the win!
Saitama grabs Goku and hoists him onto his shoulders. Hulk tries to climb on too. It ends in a pile. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
124-95 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Superman gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Hulk nails a free throw from deep! Range like their lab notebook reaching across the workshop!
Jörmungandr picks their pocket! A banker with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!
Saitama dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this superhero!
Jörmungandr iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with banker focus!
The locker room. Superman sprawls out full-length on the bench. Physio's confession: Superman purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Saitama, this guy nobody was talking about, exploits the mismatch for a thunderous slam! Too easy!
Standing room only! A boiling cauldron as Jörmungandr takes over at half court!
Jörmungandr rebounds and outlets! From board to bucket, this banker does it all!
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, has been building to this all game! Coming out of the locker room!
Superman finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a superhero would be proud of!
Jörmungandr pretends to plant a flag at center court. Superman stands at attention. I learned backstage that Superman also does farmer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
117-99 (W)
This diamond in the rough Jörmungandr means business! Fast start off the pick and roll!
Goku with an unmatched feel for the game finds the angle for a layup!
Hulk slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Freakish explosiveness in every step!
Goku with the no-look pass! Cultivating the stubborn soil blindfolded!
Goku makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true farmer!
Players head to the locker room. Saitama has tape on three fingers. Did you know Saitama entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Jörmungandr pulls off a step-back three out of nowhere! Was that basketball or banker magic? Unbelievable!
You can feel wild stands through the screen! Hulk in the spotlight!
Goku puts ego aside! The team comes first for this top-tier talent!
Goku, this elite player, is playing with nothing to lose! Watch out, this elite player is dangerous!
Goku dunks in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Hulk does the floss while Jörmungandr spins like a top. Superman just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
102-111 (L)
Hulk takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Superman fires a buzzer-beater in transition but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
Saitama with the backcourt violation! A superhero going backwards with the game!
Jörmungandr loses the screen battle! Ego the size of Texas around the picks!
A buzzer beater from downtown by Saitama! This combo guard with the long range!
Halftime. Jörmungandr throws his towel on the floor walking in. Intel: Jörmungandr asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Superman throws their hands up! Like a superhero when their bare hands breaks!
Saitama can't finish! The superhero who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Hulk communicates the switch! Clear as a scientist's instructions!
Hulk is running on fumes! The scientist tank is completely empty!
This dude out of nowhere Jörmungandr tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Superman stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Goku exhales. Again. And again. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
94-125 (L)
Hulk, this tweener, sets the tone immediately! Insane court vision from the jump!
Saitama misses the bunny! A superhero dropping the game from point-blank!
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Hulk gets posterized! A scientist framed by their lab notebook in the worst way!
Jörmungandr carves through and scores! That's what a banker does best!
Halftime. Hulk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Hulk threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Superman storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Jörmungandr misfires! The banker's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Hulk sets the screen with precision worthy of their lab notebook! Tactical genius!
Superman grabs the shorts! This first-ballot legend is running on fumes!
Saitama sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a superhero after their bare hands broke!
Saitama sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Hulk has his head in his hands. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
107-103 (W)
Superman gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a superhero on day one!
Superman, this versatile guy, locks down the attacker! Insane court vision on the defensive end!
Saitama sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Saitama, this swiss-army-knife type, glides driving to the hoop for a silky tear drop!
Hulk with the perfect cut! Precision of a scientist with their lab notebook!
Halftime. Saitama throws his towel on the floor walking in. Did you know Saitama knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jörmungandr hits nothing but net! A reverse layup in the fourth quarter! Natural-born leadership!
Hulk, this absolute legend, shuts down the play driving to the hoop! Lockdown defender!
Hulk, this solid build, basks in wild stands! This is home!
Jörmungandr, this swiss-army-knife type, hits the big shot! After a timeout! That's a closer!
Jörmungandr, this dude out of nowhere, with the post-game interview smile! Night-in night-out consistency all night!
Hulk blows a kiss to the camera. Jörmungandr blows twelve. Goku blocks the lens. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
84-112 (L)
Hulk, this global icon, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
Jörmungandr gets blocked! Rejected harder than a banker's worst day on the job!
Superman steps back into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
Goku gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the stubborn soil on a rough day!
Superman, this certified GOAT candidate, reads the play perfectly and delivers a deep three!
Off to the locker room. Jörmungandr has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: Jörmungandr listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Hulk drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a scientist's spirit has limits!
Saitama short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their bare hands!
Jörmungandr reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this banker!
Hulk, this all-around player, looks exhausted off the pick and roll! The legs are gone!
Hulk, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite eyes in the back of the head effort.
Goku stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Saitama exhales. Again. And again. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
99-106 (L)
Saitama steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
A finger roll from Superman catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Superman with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Saitama left in the dust! Even a superhero moves faster than that!
Jörmungandr knocks down a half-court heave from mid-range! Ice in the veins!
Halftime! Jörmungandr checks his stats on the board and winces. Juicy intel: Jörmungandr turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Superman, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
Jörmungandr misfires along the baseline! Even this raw talent has off nights!
This household name Superman calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Goku labors up the court! Trudging like a farmer dragging the stubborn soil!
Jörmungandr reflects on what could have been. Occasional mental lapses the difference tonight.
Superman sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Saitama has his head in his hands. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
98-101 (L)
The hardwood welcomes Goku! The farmer with the stubborn soil has arrived!
Goku treats the pill like the stubborn soil and sinks it. Easy as pie for a farmer!
Goku overcommits! Going all-in like a farmer on the stubborn soil, but wrong!
Saitama can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a superhero always hits!
Goku with the and-one that swings it! Swinging like the seed dibber!
Break. Goku's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Intel: Goku once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Saitama fails to box out! Lost the position, back to superhero school!
Goku mouths off during crunch time! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
Every time Jörmungandr touches the pill, you see the discipline of their bare hands!
Saitama misses both free throws! A superhero failing the game inspection, twice!
Goku hangs their head! A farmer who gave everything they had!
Goku clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Superman fidgets with his wristband nervously. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Saitama.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Saitama. The man is massive, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jörmungandr. The man. Is. A banker. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A banker. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a banker and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Saitama.
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