My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. LeBron James. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 206 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. Yes, you heard that right. A scientist. On a basketball court. With their lab notebook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Hulk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Hulk stretches center court! Loosening up, the scientist is getting ready!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, can't finish from mid-range! That one stings!
Stephen Curry crosses over carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Michael Jordan, this tower, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to rush exposed!
Burj Al Alam goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This seasoned vet losing composure!
The players head in. Michael Jordan slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: Michael Jordan fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Michael Jordan takes off and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Hulk is cramping up! This franchise cornerstone trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Stephen Curry crosses over into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Occasional mental lapses!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, throws the hands up! Exasperated in transition!
Hulk leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of a scientist with their lab notebook!
LeBron James turns back to look at the court one last time. Hulk doesn't turn around. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
106-118 (L)
Michael Jordan, this long boy, takes the court! The palpable tension is electric!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Stephen Curry coughs up the pill! Heavy feet strikes again in transition!
Hulk bites on the pump fake! This guy with rings on every finger sent flying at the buzzer!
Michael Jordan goes to work and converts! A free throw from mid-range! Money!
Rest time. Burj Al Alam isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Confession: Burj Al Alam calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
LeBron James drops the head after another miss! Injury-prone body sapping the confidence!
LeBron James, this absolute legend, comes up empty! A hook shot off target at half court!
Burj Al Alam dribbles into the right spacing! A gym-rat work ethic and elite court awareness!
Hulk is running on fumes! The scientist tank is completely empty!
Michael Jordan rises up past the media. This certified GOAT candidate not in the mood to talk.
LeBron James mutters while walking out. Burj Al Alam watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
119-85 (W)
LeBron James, this undisputed superstar, draws first blood! A buzzer beater to start!
This name that's buzzing Burj Al Alam does it again! A catch-and-shoot triple with effortless precision!
This name that's buzzing Burj Al Alam finds the open man! Assist and a buzzer-beater!
Stephen Curry, this max-contract guy, reads the play perfectly and delivers a tear drop!
Burj Al Alam, this respected competitor, bodied up and forced the turnover! Physical defense!
Both teams head to the locker room. Burj Al Alam wipes his forehead with his jersey. Bus driver's confession: Burj Al Alam raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Hulk, this basketball god, knifes through for a fadeaway jumper at the top of the key! Wow!
Stephen Curry with the cherry on top! A two-handed slam in a blowout! Good night!
Hulk, this smooth operator, accidentally passes to the ref! Nice assist this all-time great!
Hulk, this combo guard, flexes on the crowd! A primal scream after a hook shot!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, points to the crowd! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This was for the fans!
Hulk runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
103-99 (W)
Opening possession for Hulk! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
Stephen Curry times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A monster swat back to the basket!
Michael Jordan, this tree of a man, can't get a catch-and-shoot triple to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Michael Jordan, this certified GOAT candidate, sinks a floater with surgical precision at the top of the key!
Michael Jordan makes the hockey pass! Scary good handles finding the extra pass!
Break. LeBron James collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Locker room anecdote: LeBron James talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry demands the ball and delivers! Right from the tip-off heroics!
Hulk a perfect contest at the critical moment! Ridiculous creativity right on cue!
Wild stands fills the arena! This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James feeds off the energy!
Stephen Curry hits nothing but net! A step-back three in the fourth quarter! An off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Stephen Curry walks off the gym victorious! This big-name player owns this moment!
Michael Jordan pretends to faint from happiness. LeBron James pretends to call 911. I learned that Michael Jordan's father was a scientist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
109-105 (W)
Burj Al Alam, this established player, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by a gym-rat work ethic!
Burj Al Alam, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Lack of consistency!
Hulk racks up a reverse layup! Productive night for this scientist!
Hulk runs the offense! Running it like a scientist runs the show!
Halftime. Burj Al Alam wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Burj Al Alam threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Michael Jordan, this 7-footer, scores the go-ahead! A pull-up jumper! Heart of a champion!
Hulk forces the shot-clock violation! Patient as a scientist waiting for the hidden truth!
Listen to that roar! LeBron James pulls up and the place explodes!
Stephen Curry crosses over and drills it! In the dying seconds! Pure God-given talent under pressure!
Stephen Curry sits on the bench with a smile! This big-name player job well done!
Michael Jordan pretends to plant a flag at center court. Stephen Curry stands at attention. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
93-104 (L)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
A bank shot by Michael Jordan from way beyond the arc is way off! Tough night for this potential GOAT!
Stephen Curry throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure in the paint!
Hulk gets posted up and scored on! This first-ballot legend overpowered!
This all-time great LeBron James finishes with authority! A pull-up jumper facing the rim!
End of the first act. Stephen Curry is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? Stephen Curry once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
LeBron James lets fly the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this generational talent!
Hulk spaces the floor! Making room out there like a scientist clears the workspace!
Hulk leans on their knees! Gassed, but the scientist keeps going!
This respected competitor Burj Al Alam shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Stephen Curry bites the inside of his cheek. Michael Jordan pinches the bridge of his nose. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
114-108 (W)
LeBron James dunks with energy from the opening whistle! This potential GOAT locked in!
Burj Al Alam with another sky hook! You can't stop this man!
Burj Al Alam with the huge monster swat from the right corner! This up-and-coming baller says no!
Burj Al Alam whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This versatile guy seeing everything!
Hulk blows past to the weak side! This household name exploiting the rotation!
Intermission. Hulk dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little secret: Hulk listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Break's over, the players take their positions.
The crowd erupts as Hulk nails a deep three! A scientist on fire at the field house!
A packed arena as Hulk warms up with some scientist moves!
Hulk barks out defensive calls! The voice of their lab notebook echoes across the hardwood!
The arc of this game bends toward LeBron James! This once-in-a-lifetime player controlling destiny!
This household name LeBron James led from start to finish! Comprehensive win!
Stephen Curry blows a kiss to the camera. Michael Jordan blows twelve. LeBron James blocks the lens. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-109 (L)
Game time! LeBron James and this all-time great ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
This world-class player Stephen Curry puts up an alley-oop but it won't fall! Off night!
Hulk loses the basketball! A scientist would never be this careless!
Stephen Curry overcommits and gets beat! Lack of consistency when reading the play!
Burj Al Alam, this seasoned vet, drops a floater from downtown! Pure artistry!
Finally a breather. Stephen Curry has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. I've been told Stephen Curry always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
LeBron James glares at the scoreboard! This all-time great not happy with the situation!
Burj Al Alam takes a tough sky hook and it doesn't go! Heavy feet in shot selection!
Burj Al Alam sets the screen at the perfect angle! This legit talent cerebral play!
LeBron James penetrates sluggishly! Tendency to force bad shots catching up with this global icon!
Michael Jordan, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Ego the size of Texas at the wrong moments.
LeBron James's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hulk hides his eyes under a towel. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
90-102 (L)
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, is introduced and the arena explodes! This world-class player is in the building!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets the separation but can't finish! Heavy feet!
Stephen Curry with the errant pass! This headliner needs to settle down!
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, gets dunked on in transition! Poster material!
Burj Al Alam, this next-level player, absolutely nails a sky hook from the right corner! Take a bow!
Break! Hulk takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Hulk plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Michael Jordan mutters to himself walking back! This first-ballot legend fighting inner demons!
An off-balance shot from Hulk goes in and out! Heartbreaking under the basket!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James can't close out! The legs are shot from the right corner!
This headliner Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this headliner.
Michael Jordan bites his lip, fists clenched. Burj Al Alam shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-98 (L)
Hulk opens with a bank shot! This certified GOAT candidate making an early statement!
This elite player Stephen Curry misses the mark! A devastating dunk goes begging at half court!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
LeBron James gets crossed over! This all-time great left frozen from the right corner!
Hulk punishes the defense! A scientist punishing the hidden truth with precision!
First half is done. Stephen Curry is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Did you know Stephen Curry keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Hulk misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Hulk adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the scientist approach!
Hulk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a scientist's energy for the hidden truth!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite nerves of steel effort.
Stephen Curry whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Michael Jordan nods without conviction. Tonight I learned Stephen Curry used to be a scientist before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
86-126 (L)
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry in the starting lineup! Let's see what this max-contract guy brings!
LeBron James, this titan, gets the look in the paint but the lid's on the rim!
LeBron James with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
This absolute legend Hulk caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Hulk glares at the basketball! Like it personally betrayed this scientist!
Halftime! LeBron James has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know LeBron James once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
LeBron James forces a bad buzzer beater! This hall-of-fame lock needs to trust teammates!
Burj Al Alam drives but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
LeBron James loses the Wilson in traffic! This undisputed superstar can't afford that!
This potential GOAT Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Burj Al Alam reflects on what could have been. Defense that's basically a suggestion difference tonight.
Burj Al Alam walks toward the tunnel without a word. Hulk stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-129 (L)
Hulk bounces the orange pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Michael Jordan launches the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this generational talent!
Michael Jordan rises up into a trap! Limited stamina when reading the defense!
Michael Jordan gets burned on the drive! Lack of consistency in lateral movement!
Michael Jordan storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle. Hulk flops into the first available chair. Intel: Hulk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Stephen Curry dribbles the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This name that's buzzing Burj Al Alam signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Heavy feet!
LeBron James, this long boy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at half court!
Burj Al Alam, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
LeBron James dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This potential GOAT will learn from this.
Stephen Curry's complexion is grey. Michael Jordan's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
96-126 (L)
This reliable star Stephen Curry catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Michael Jordan, this giant, gets the look but can't convert driving to the hoop!
This jersey-selling name Stephen Curry commits the 5-second violation! Clock management tendency to rush!
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan picks up the cheap foul! Lack of consistency showing!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Michael Jordan punishes the defense with a double-clutch layup along the baseline!
Break! Burj Al Alam rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Staff confession: Burj Al Alam is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Hulk explodes the towel! This global icon showing occasional mental lapses!
Hulk, this global icon, sends the basketball wide! The touch is off tonight!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry adjusts the angle mid-drive! Next-level basketball IQ body control!
LeBron James, this first-ballot legend, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
This world-class player Stephen Curry leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Burj Al Alam taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. LeBron James walks through the door without pushing it. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
104-117 (L)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Hulk, this first-ballot legend, with the shot-clock heave! No good at the top of the key!
Michael Jordan throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over limited stamina!
Stephen Curry shoots the Wilson with nerves of steel. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
The players head in. Hulk slips on the wet tunnel floor. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This hall-of-fame lock Michael Jordan gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Michael Jordan penetrates but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Hulk, this solid build, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Ridiculous creativity!
Burj Al Alam, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted back to the basket! The legs are gone!
Burj Al Alam, this legit talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
LeBron James pulls his cap down over his eyes. Hulk doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-120 (L)
Michael Jordan blows past into position! This living legend not wasting any time!
Stephen Curry fires an alley-oop back to the basket but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
Stephen Curry charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Hulk caught flat-footed! Standing still, the scientist reflexes took a nap!
Stephen Curry picks up the second technical! This franchise guy ejected! Hot head!
Halftime! Hulk walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Fun fact: Hulk got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Burj Al Alam forces a layup back to the basket! This well-respected player trying too hard!
This established player Burj Al Alam can barely jump! The springs are gone facing the rim!
LeBron James with the backcourt violation! This all-time great under too much pressure!
LeBron James slams the orange in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
This max-contract guy Stephen Curry tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk sits on the floor in the hallway. LeBron James sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
My Team finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. LeBron James. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 206 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Hulk. The man is a scientist. Yes, you heard that right. A scientist. On a basketball court. With their lab notebook in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Hulk had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? It's "here, take my credit card and go nuts." The owner is a damn billionaire who wants a championship ring the way other people want a yacht. Every position is doubled up, every role player is a former All-Star, and the bench is so deep that the twelfth man on this team would start for half the league. It's an armada, a war machine, and everyone in this building knows that if these guys don't win the title, it's a goddamn scandal.
My Team finishes #14 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.
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