My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby! Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Harry S. Truman. The man. Is. An officer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An officer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their command saber and apparently, the technical motion of an officer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
84-124 (L)
Tip-off! Michael Jordan gets us started! Let's go!
Harry S. Truman takes a tough floater and it doesn't go! Injury-prone body in shot selection!
Harry S. Truman dribbles it off their foot! Their command saber would never betray an officer like that!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Michael Jordan slams the Wilson in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Michael Jordan walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Michael Jordan is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, can't finish facing the rim! That one stings!
Harry S. Truman mops their face! Sweating more than when leading the field platoon!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Stephen Hawking shakes their head! A university professor who can't believe that just happened!
Harry S. Truman dribbles past the media. This living legend not in the mood to talk.
Shaquille O'Neal stares at the floor while Stephen Hawking mutters something inaudible under his breath. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
110-86 (W)
Game time! LeBron James and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the floor!
A buzzer beater by Shaquille O'Neal! The crowd erupts! A gym-rat work ethic personified!
Stephen Hawking jumps into the passing lane! A double team! Huge play!
Stephen Hawking with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open off-balance shot!
Michael Jordan reads the defense perfectly! Eyes in the back of the head and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Break! Michael Jordan has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Michael Jordan believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
A buzzer-beater from Shaquille O'Neal! That's natural-born leadership at the highest level!
Shaquille O'Neal, this colossus, gets the standing ovation! An incredible energy!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Harry S. Truman defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This undisputed superstar Shaquille O'Neal embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
Stephen Hawking, this first-ballot legend, high-fives the bench! A bench mob celebration! Team effort!
Shaquille O'Neal and LeBron James swing Harry S. Truman around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
117-101 (W)
Stephen Hawking comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the university professor means business!
Michael Jordan steps back to the rack for a buzzer-beater! Can't contain this colossus!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal holds ground in transition! Immovable object!
This all-time great LeBron James zips the pass through! Another dime from this giant!
LeBron James dishes to the weak side! This potential GOAT exploiting the rotation!
Rest time. Michael Jordan isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know Michael Jordan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, with the exclamation-point thunderous slam! Game changer!
The announcer calls Stephen Hawking 'The university professor!' the gymnasium roars its approval!
Stephen Hawking communicates on the switch! Clear as a university professor's directions!
This basketball god Michael Jordan has that look in the eyes! Watch out! Iron discipline!
This all-time great LeBron James thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Stephen Hawking performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Harry S. Truman imitates it. It's worse. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-97 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Stephen Hawking comes out aggressive! Opens with a reverse layup back to the basket!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, elevates for a monster hook shot!
Stephen Hawking guards the perimeter! Patrolling with university professor vigilance!
Shaquille O'Neal with the lob pass at half court! This potential GOAT to the teammate! Boom!
Stephen Hawking fires away into the right spacing! Natural-born leadership and elite court awareness!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Michael Jordan asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Michael Jordan has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Shaquille O'Neal scores from the left corner! An alley-oop with a killer instinct! Brilliant!
Shaquille O'Neal launches in front of the home faithful! A cathedral silence! Beautiful!
LeBron James, this potential GOAT, runs the play exactly as drawn! Execution!
A narrative for the ages: Stephen Hawking, the university professor who mastered their lecture notes and the pill!
LeBron James tosses the Wilson in the air! A team high-five! This once-in-a-lifetime player mission accomplished!
Stephen Hawking and Michael Jordan do celebratory push-ups. LeBron James counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
103-88 (W)
The game begins and LeBron James is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
A catch-and-shoot triple by Stephen Hawking from mid-range! Iron discipline in every fiber!
Stephen Hawking pokes it away! Quick fingers from challenging the young scholars!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Harry S. Truman, this household name, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a finger roll!
Finally a breather. Michael Jordan has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Intel: Michael Jordan refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Michael Jordan explodes and fires a euro-step! This long boy lighting it up!
A packed arena as Stephen Hawking warms up with some university professor moves!
Stephen Hawking draws the attention! Magnetic presence, the university professor aura is undeniable!
Stephen Hawking is writing the story tonight! This generational talent with a hook shot from the left corner!
Stephen Hawking, this all-around player, celebrates the win! A chest bump! What a game!
Harry S. Truman and Shaquille O'Neal chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
126-81 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, is introduced and the arena explodes! This basketball god is in the building!
Michael Jordan buries a devastating dunk from downtown! This basketball god is on fire tonight!
Harry S. Truman dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this officer!
LeBron James, this mammoth, posts up and delivers a double-clutch layup! Textbook!
Harry S. Truman walls up in the center circle! Immovable as their command saber bolted down!
First half is done. Stephen Hawking is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Stephen Hawking once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Harry S. Truman nails a pull-up jumper from deep! Range like their command saber reaching across the workshop!
Harry S. Truman adds another free throw to the demolition! Their command saber destruction!
Harry S. Truman just compared this conference classic to a day of leading the field platoon! Accurate?
Stephen Hawking blows a kiss to the hardwood! Love from a university professor who loves the young scholars!
It's over! Stephen Hawking delivers the goods! This franchise cornerstone walks off a winner!
Harry S. Truman makes the phone sign toward the opposing bench. Shaquille O'Neal makes the 'call us' gesture. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
126-82 (W)
Stephen Hawking checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal punishes the defense with a finger roll driving to the hoop!
Harry S. Truman with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Pure God-given talent on that one!
Stephen Hawking catches and shoots,a euro-step! Quick hands from challenging the young scholars!
This basketball god LeBron James with the weak-side iron-wall defense! Incredible help!
Halftime! Shaquille O'Neal looks in the mirror and shakes his head. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Michael Jordan pulls up and drills a devastating dunk! Can't teach that!
LeBron James, this colossus, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Breaking: Harry S. Truman caught leading during a timeout! The officer never rests!
This household name Michael Jordan stares down the bench! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd after the big play!
Stephen Hawking, this combo guard, salutes the faithful! A fist pump toward the bench! What a night!
Shaquille O'Neal improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Michael Jordan plays the imaginary violin. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
116-101 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Harry S. Truman, this certified GOAT candidate, drills another step-back three from way beyond the arc! Automatic!
Shaquille O'Neal with the help-side flawless defensive rotation! This undisputed superstar always in position!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Halftime! Stephen Hawking is limping slightly heading off the court. Small detail: Stephen Hawking whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Michael Jordan, this mammoth, uses every inch to deliver a step-back three!
Stephen Hawking signs a kid's the young scholars! The university professor meets the next generation!
Michael Jordan, this big fella, repositions on defense! Freakish explosiveness collective effort!
Michael Jordan, this absolute unit, sets the tone with iron discipline! Leader!
Stephen Hawking wraps up an incredible performance! Wrapped up tight, the university professor delivered!
LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight I learned LeBron James used to be an officer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
104-90 (W)
Stephen Hawking sets the tone early! The university professor came to play tonight!
Harry S. Truman lets fly the pill beautifully for a half-court heave! What touch!
Stephen Hawking, this generational talent, walls up facing the rim! Impenetrable defense!
Stephen Hawking floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a university professor's soft touch!
This living legend Michael Jordan uses the floater over this mammoth coverage! Smart!
Break. Michael Jordan's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little scoop: Michael Jordan collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Shaquille O'Neal scores with silky smooth technique. A floater at half court! Too smooth!
Stephen Hawking tips their tall socks to the crowd! The university professor gesture with their lecture notes!
Michael Jordan finds the open teammate! This generational talent making everyone better!
The story of Stephen Hawking: a university professor by morning, a baller by night. The young scholars would be proud!
Shaquille O'Neal pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This absolute legend savors the win!
Shaquille O'Neal makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Michael Jordan makes a bigger heart. LeBron James makes a massive heart. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-105 (L)
And we're underway! LeBron James touches the Wilson first! This franchise cornerstone looks eager!
Shaquille O'Neal fires an and-one in the paint but can't connect! Injury-prone body showing!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Harry S. Truman commits the offensive foul! Turnover in transition!
This generational talent Michael Jordan bites on the fake! Beaten along the baseline!
Harry S. Truman scores at will! A reverse layup at the buzzer! This once-in-a-lifetime player domination!
Time to breathe. Shaquille O'Neal has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This franchise cornerstone Michael Jordan throws an elbow in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!
LeBron James, this giant, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Harry S. Truman reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this officer!
LeBron James short-arms the shot from fatigue! This all-time great has nothing left!
Harry S. Truman refuses to make excuses! An officer owns the field platoon failures too!
Harry S. Truman snaps at the bench on his way out. LeBron James says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-100 (L)
Michael Jordan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
LeBron James knocks down a scoop layup at half court! Ice in the veins!
This certified GOAT candidate LeBron James fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Shaquille O'Neal can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this certified GOAT candidate!
Michael Jordan with the momentum-shifting floater! This household name turning the tide!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Hawking flops into the first available chair. Confession: Stephen Hawking calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Harry S. Truman can't convert the and-one! Leading the field platoon was the easier task!
Shaquille O'Neal gets a technical for complaining! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Harry S. Truman's got those officer hands! Gripping the Wilson like it owes them money!
Stephen Hawking called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the young scholars shame!
Harry S. Truman tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we leads better, like the field platoon!'
Stephen Hawking bites the inside of his cheek. Harry S. Truman pinches the bridge of his nose. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-109 (L)
Harry S. Truman, this global icon, draws first blood! A floater to start!
LeBron James fires away but overcooks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing up again!
LeBron James coughs up the pill! Hot head strikes again from way beyond the arc!
Michael Jordan, this tower, gets dunked on at half court! Poster material!
This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan does it again! A two-handed slam with effortless precision!
Back to the locker room. LeBron James's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: LeBron James slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Shaquille O'Neal goes to work angrily after the turnover! This absolute legend spiraling!
This potential GOAT Michael Jordan misfires again! Defense that's basically a suggestion could cost the team!
Harry S. Truman runs the offense! Running it like an officer runs the show!
Harry S. Truman struggles in the fourth quarter! The officer hitting the wall with the field platoon!
Shaquille O'Neal, this giant, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Stephen Hawking sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Shaquille O'Neal winces. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
93-103 (L)
Harry S. Truman dunks into position! This franchise cornerstone not wasting any time!
Shaquille O'Neal launches but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Harry S. Truman botches the handoff! Even their command saber exchanges go smoother!
Harry S. Truman beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the field platoon slipping from an officer!
Michael Jordan, this franchise cornerstone, unleashes a devastating dunk driving to the hoop! Bang!
Break. LeBron James collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Small detail: LeBron James whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This guy with rings on every finger Michael Jordan hangs the head after the miss! Deflated under the basket!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks the damn ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Michael Jordan penetrates but the legs won't cooperate! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
This global icon LeBron James tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Stephen Hawking hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Harry S. Truman keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
99-115 (L)
Harry S. Truman locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an officer who means business!
Harry S. Truman, this all-time great, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Harry S. Truman with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the field platoon!
Stephen Hawking beaten to the spot! Slower than a university professor on a Monday morning!
Michael Jordan, this towering presence, overpowers for a bank shot! Size matters!
Finally a breather. Shaquille O'Neal has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Stephen Hawking crosses over and kicks the stanchion! This hall-of-fame lock losing composure!
Shaquille O'Neal can't buy a bucket! Another miss along the baseline! Frustrating!
Stephen Hawking counters the press! Problem solved, university professor style!
Shaquille O'Neal, this guy with rings on every finger, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Michael Jordan had the chances but couldn't convert. This undisputed superstar left wanting.
Shaquille O'Neal's gaze is cold, distant. Harry S. Truman's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
101-113 (L)
Michael Jordan, this mountain of a man, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Harry S. Truman misses the free throw! Leading the field platoon under pressure is easier!
Michael Jordan with the backcourt violation! This living legend under too much pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal gets screened out of the play! This once-in-a-lifetime player lost in traffic!
LeBron James, this beanpole, muscles in for a reverse layup! Pure power!
Halftime! Michael Jordan is limping slightly heading off the court. Intel: Michael Jordan asked Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
LeBron James storms to the bench! This absolute legend is visibly upset!
Harry S. Truman clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their command saber hitting the field platoon!
This generational talent Stephen Hawking switches defensive assignments on the fly! Unreal swagger!
Harry S. Truman is huffing and puffing! Winded, even an officer would call it quits!
Harry S. Truman walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to officer life tomorrow!
Stephen Hawking shakes Shaquille O'Neal's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Behind the scenes, I learned Shaquille O'Neal was also an officer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, let's talk about the boss. Because on this team, there's one alpha, and everybody knows it. Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, a body built for basketball, and a basketball IQ that borders on indecent. When this man catches the rock, defenders back up instinctively, it's a survival reflex. And they're right, because this guy can punish you from everywhere: from three, in the post, in transition, from the free throw line with his eyes closed. He's a damn 6'8" Swiss Army knife and he cuts in every direction.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Harry S. Truman. The man. Is. An officer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An officer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their command saber and apparently, the technical motion of an officer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
This team's budget is the GDP of a small country. Seriously, there are nations at the UN moving less cash than this roster. The Second Apron is blown to smithereens, the repeater tax bleeds the owner dry with every signature, and the league watches them with a mix of disgust and fascination. But the owner doesn't care. He has a dream, and that dream is a championship banner hanging from the rafters of this arena. Everything else, the penalties, the sacrificed Draft picks, the zero flexibility, that's just details. Damn details.
My Team ends the season #7 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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