SHORTIES AND JESUS — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | SHORTIES AND JESUS | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... SHORTIES AND JESUS! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Gul Mohammed. A q17307272 in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Gul Mohammed has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
81-116 (L)
Gul Mohammed, this hungry young player, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Lord Farquaad gets blocked! Rejected harder than a monarch's worst day on the job!
This certified bucket Kevin Hart loses concentration and the rock with it!
Lord Farquaad can't stay in front! Decreing the realm's fate doesn't build lateral quickness!
This certified bucket Kevin Hart stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Rest time. Jesus Christ isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Jesus Christ launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the game, and it shows!
Lord Farquaad waves for a timeout! The monarch needs the realm's fate break!
Kevin Hart posts up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Gul Mohammed, this newcomer, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
Jesus Christ pulls up past the media. This first-ballot legend not in the mood to talk.
Lord Farquaad's gaze is cold, distant. Gul Mohammed's gaze is hot, angry. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-113 (L)
Lord Farquaad lands the first layup! First blood! The monarch strikes first!
Lord Farquaad misfires again! Having the realm's fate-shaped night!
Gul Mohammed charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Kevin Hart, this undersized dog, gets exploited in the switch! Hot head exposed in the mismatch!
Kevin Hart with a double-clutch layup on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Halftime. Lord Farquaad wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Little scoop: Lord Farquaad tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Lord Farquaad spins and kicks the stanchion! This guy nobody was talking about losing composure!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi misfires on the floater! Too much float, the weaver touch abandoned them!
Gul Mohammed pushes the pace in transition! Natural-born leadership showing in every play!
Jesus Christ looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a messiah relieved of their bare hands!
Lord Farquaad sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a monarch after the scepter broke!
Jesus Christ and Chandra Bahadur Dangi share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jesus Christ's name. Forgive me. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
93-117 (L)
This hidden prospect Gul Mohammed comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
Jesus Christ fires a brick driving to the hoop! Way off, even for a messiah!
Gul Mohammed coughs up the Wilson! Lack of consistency strikes again in transition!
Lord Farquaad bites on the fake! Fooled like a monarch by counterfeit the realm's fate!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi knocks it down! Solid as a weaver with their wooden loom in hand!
Break time. Chandra Bahadur Dangi bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Confession: Chandra Bahadur Dangi calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Gul Mohammed can't mask the disappointment! This newcomer wearing it on the sleeve!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi misses! Even a weaver can't fix that shot!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
Gul Mohammed dishes but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Lord Farquaad vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the scepter reinforced with the realm's fate!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi turns back to look at the court one last time. Lord Farquaad doesn't turn around. I learned that Chandra Bahadur Dangi's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
94-118 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
This player making noise Chandra Bahadur Dangi whiffs on a reverse layup! The crowd groans!
Lord Farquaad, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass from downtown!
Kevin Hart beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the risky picture slipping from a film producer!
A pull-up jumper from downtown by Gul Mohammed! This little firecracker with the long range!
The players leave the court. Jesus Christ clings to the tunnel railing. Did you know Jesus Christ knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
A half-court heave from Jesus Christ goes in and out! Heartbreaking facing the rim!
This raw talent Lord Farquaad calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Gul Mohammed, this elusive guard, looks exhausted under the basket! The legs are gone!
This headliner Kevin Hart stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this headliner wanted.
Jesus Christ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Kevin Hart has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
84-129 (L)
This total unknown Gul Mohammed opens the scoring! An alley-oop! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ clanks another one off the rim! This all-time great needs to find rhythm!
Lord Farquaad with the backcourt violation! A monarch going backwards with the realm's fate!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the fine textile on a rough day!
Jesus Christ mutters to himself walking back! This living legend fighting inner demons!
Coach calls everyone back. Chandra Bahadur Dangi drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little secret: Chandra Bahadur Dangi listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This player making noise Chandra Bahadur Dangi with a rare miss at the top of the key! Even the best stumble!
Jesus Christ finds a second wind! The messiah engine roars back to life!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi dribbles it off their foot! Their wooden loom would never betray a weaver like that!
Lord Farquaad can't hide the frustration! The scepter frustration meets the leather frustration!
Lord Farquaad spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This surprise package will learn from this.
Gul Mohammed hurls his water bottle at the wall. Lord Farquaad flinches but doesn't react. I learned that Gul Mohammed's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
80-116 (L)
Chandra Bahadur Dangi steps onto the venue! From weaving the fine textile to this, game time!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi dishes but the shot rims out! Injury-prone body rears its ugly head!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Jesus Christ scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Tendency to force bad shots!
Gul Mohammed, this pocket rocket, throws the hands up! Exasperated in the paint!
Well-deserved break. Gul Mohammed looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Rumor has it Gul Mohammed does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi shoots an air ball in immense pressure! A weaver lost in the noise!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi wipes sweat with the headband! Drenched, the weaver has been putting in work!
Kevin Hart trips up in half court! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ waves off the play! The authority of a messiah in that gesture!
Jesus Christ looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a messiah!
Gul Mohammed isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Lord Farquaad tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-103 (L)
Lord Farquaad locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a monarch who means business!
Kevin Hart cuts and scores! Sharp as their loaded checkbook, this film producer!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Jesus Christ can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the Spalding differently than the game!
Lord Farquaad inspires with defense! Defensive inspiration from decreing the realm's fate!
Halftime whistle. Kevin Hart has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Juicy anecdote: Kevin Hart was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi can't hit the go-ahead! Heavy feet when the lights are brightest!
Lord Farquaad slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a monarch hits the workbench!
The story of Jesus Christ: a messiah by morning, a baller by night. The game would be proud!
Gul Mohammed misses in the clutch! A reverse layup off the mark in the second half!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi had the chances but couldn't convert. This player on the come-up left wanting.
Jesus Christ's gaze is cold, distant. Gul Mohammed's gaze is hot, angry. I learned that Jesus Christ's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-125 (L)
This potential breakout star Lord Farquaad gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kevin Hart can't finish! The film producer who finishes the risky picture can't finish the play!
Kevin Hart gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Lord Farquaad, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily off the pick and roll! Sometimes predictable game!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi stares in disbelief! The look of a weaver who just lost everything!
Break. Gul Mohammed collapses next to the vending machine. Staff confession: Gul Mohammed is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi bricks another one! Building something awful with their wooden loom tonight!
Kevin Hart stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a film producer over the risky picture!
Gul Mohammed pulls up into a trap! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the defense!
This elite player Kevin Hart fouls hard out of frustration! Injury-prone body showing!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi packs up and heads out! Packing their wooden loom, unpacking emotions!
Gul Mohammed kicks his towel across the floor. Kevin Hart has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I had a revelation: Kevin Hart runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-123 (L)
Kevin Hart comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the film producer means business!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi can't convert! The weaver's touch with the fine textile deserted them!
Lord Farquaad with the lazy pass! Shaky emotions under pressure leading to easy points!
This diamond in the rough Gul Mohammed caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Lord Farquaad lets fly away from the huddle! This potential breakout star in a dark place mentally!
Halftime! Lord Farquaad walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Lord Farquaad calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Gul Mohammed dribbles the rock into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi steps back but can't sustain the effort! Lack of consistency emptying the tank!
This league veteran Chandra Bahadur Dangi with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Lord Farquaad mouths off at with seconds left on the clock! A monarch venting about the realm's fate!
This raw talent Gul Mohammed tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Gul Mohammed has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Kevin Hart has aged ten years in forty minutes. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
74-119 (L)
This raw talent Lord Farquaad catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Lord Farquaad, this versatile guy, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this hungry young player!
Gul Mohammed with the backcourt violation! This potential breakout star under too much pressure!
Gul Mohammed gets posted up and scored on! This guy nobody was talking about overpowered!
Jesus Christ drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a messiah's spirit has limits!
The locker room fills up. Chandra Bahadur Dangi has already eaten three oranges. True story: Chandra Bahadur Dangi had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Chandra Bahadur Dangi forces a bad floater! This name that's buzzing needs to trust teammates!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi gulps water! As thirsty as a weaver reaching for the fine textile!
This generational talent Jesus Christ gets pickpocketed from the right corner! Sloppy handling!
Kevin Hart vents at their teammates! The film producer who vents about the risky picture!
Gul Mohammed, this player nobody saw coming, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Kevin Hart claps his hands in frustration. Lord Farquaad clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
75-120 (L)
Lord Farquaad announces themselves! The monarch has arrived and the building knows it!
Lord Farquaad misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the realm's fate!
Lord Farquaad coughs it up! A monarch's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi turns the head and loses the man! This hooper's hooper napping defensively!
Kevin Hart is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
Well-deserved break. Lord Farquaad looks like someone who just ran a marathon. True story: Lord Farquaad had his parking spot stolen by New York Over-Timers's mascot. Still talks about it. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
A layup attempt by Gul Mohammed falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
Intercepted! Jesus Christ's pass snatched right out of the air! A messiah would never be that careless!
Lord Farquaad shakes their head! A monarch who can't believe that just happened!
Kevin Hart shakes hands through the pain! A film producer who respects their loaded checkbook and the game!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Jesus Christ offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
89-118 (L)
Jesus Christ, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Lord Farquaad can't connect! The scepter in hand, sure. The leather through the hoop, nope!
Gul Mohammed, this pint-sized baller, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Injury-prone body exposed!
Jesus Christ watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!
This guy nobody was talking about Gul Mohammed finishes with authority! A thunderous slam at half court!
Halftime whistle! Gul Mohammed slides down against the hallway wall. Juicy anecdote: Gul Mohammed was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Lord Farquaad, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
Kevin Hart, this guy everybody knows, with a contested bucket that misses on the low block!
Kevin Hart communicates the switch! Clear as a film producer's instructions!
Lord Farquaad, this smooth operator, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Lord Farquaad tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we decrees better, like the realm's fate!'
Chandra Bahadur Dangi taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Gul Mohammed walks through the door without pushing it. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
81-125 (L)
Lord Farquaad opens with a sky hook! This hidden prospect making an early statement!
This headliner Kevin Hart misses the mark! A buzzer beater goes begging along the baseline!
Lord Farquaad dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the monarch's finest moment!
Jesus Christ gets screened out of the play! This undisputed superstar lost in traffic!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the weaver will bounce back!
The locker room. Gul Mohammed sprawls out full-length on the bench. I've been told Gul Mohammed always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Gul Mohammed, this pint-sized baller, loses the handle and the opportunity! Lack of consistency!
This league veteran Chandra Bahadur Dangi can barely jump! The springs are gone on the low block!
Gul Mohammed, this small but mighty player, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the leather!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi glares at the scoreboard! This seasoned vet not happy with the situation!
This hidden prospect Lord Farquaad congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this hidden prospect.
Gul Mohammed refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Chandra Bahadur Dangi watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-120 (L)
Chandra Bahadur Dangi, this solid pro, embraces the packed arena! Game on!
Gul Mohammed, this pocket rocket, gets the look but can't convert at the buzzer!
Gul Mohammed with a wild pass that sails out! This who-is-this-guy player giving it away!
Lord Farquaad reacts too late to rotate! Hot head on the help side!
Lord Farquaad goes coast to coast for a catch-and-shoot triple! This diamond in the rough is relentless!
The locker room fills up. Gul Mohammed has already eaten three oranges. Quick anecdote about Gul Mohammed: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kevin Hart slams the rock in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
A half-court heave from Chandra Bahadur Dangi catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi, this player on the come-up, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Night-in night-out consistency!
Lord Farquaad is gassed! More tired than after a full day of decreing the realm's fate!
Lord Farquaad consoles teammates! The heart of a monarch in that moment!
Gul Mohammed shakes Lord Farquaad's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. I learned tonight that Gul Mohammed used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
86-131 (L)
The game begins and Chandra Bahadur Dangi is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi bricks it! Not the same accuracy as weaving the fine textile!
Chandra Bahadur Dangi turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this weaver!
Kevin Hart gets screened out! Stuck behind their loaded checkbook like it's a wall!
This hungry young player Gul Mohammed can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime! Jesus Christ has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Jesus Christ knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Kevin Hart misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this big-name player has off nights!
Kevin Hart labors up the court! Trudging like a film producer dragging the risky picture!
Kevin Hart throws it away! Injury-prone body under pressure back to the basket!
Kevin Hart penetrates the towel! This top-tier talent showing sometimes predictable game!
Despite the loss, Jesus Christ held their own with the game! The messiah fought!
Kevin Hart turns back to look at the court one last time. Gul Mohammed doesn't turn around. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
SHORTIES AND JESUS finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... SHORTIES AND JESUS!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Gul Mohammed. A q17307272 in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Gul Mohammed has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
SHORTIES AND JESUS finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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