My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Iron Man on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 6 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Chuck Norris. The man. Is. A stuntman. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A stuntman. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their crash mat and apparently, the technical motion of a stuntman and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
Stephen Hawking locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a university professor who means business!
This top-tier talent Hulk Hogan short-arms a fadeaway jumper at half court! Not enough lift!
Chuck Norris with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost stuntman!
Iron Man watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!
This all-time great Stephen Hawking shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime whistle. Stephen Hawking flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Stephen Hawking collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Adolf Hitler clanks another one off the rim! This household name needs to find rhythm!
Iron Man labors up the court! Trudging like a superhero dragging the game!
This potential GOAT Chuck Norris loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Adolf Hitler, this household name, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Iron Man gave it everything! Everything a superhero has, left on the court!
Adolf Hitler mutters while walking out. Chuck Norris watches from the corner of his eye, worried. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
120-97 (W)
Game time! Stephen Hawking and this once-in-a-lifetime player ready to put on a show at the hardwood!
Hulk Hogan fires away and it's a floater! This certified bucket proving the doubters wrong!
Adolf Hitler locks down the baseline! Fortified with their service rifle!
Hulk Hogan with the no-look pass! Slamming the mat canvas blindfolded!
Stephen Hawking, this swiss-army-knife type, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Break! Chuck Norris takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Did you know Chuck Norris once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Stephen Hawking drives and scores! A layup! This tweener is a problem!
Stephen Hawking, this all-around player, gets the standing ovation! A crowd fully behind them!
Hulk Hogan, this swiss-army-knife type, anchors the second unit! This big-name player versatile contributor!
Adolf Hitler's soldier background shines through every play with the front line!
Iron Man high-fives the crowd! Those superhero hands spreading joy!
Hulk Hogan and Chuck Norris act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
115-92 (W)
Stephen Hawking, this global icon, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
Iron Man pulls up the damn ball with purpose! An alley-oop! This hall-of-fame lock means business!
Iron Man anticipates the cut and deflects the pill! This guy with rings on every finger reading minds!
Chuck Norris shovels the pass! Moving the pill with their crash mat efficiency!
Adolf Hitler explodes into the right spacing! Nerves of steel and elite court awareness!
Break. Hulk Hogan collapses next to the vending machine. Did you know? Hulk Hogan once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
A floater from Stephen Hawking under the basket! That's a statement right there!
An incredible energy spikes every time Chuck Norris touches the rock! The stuntman effect!
Iron Man rebounds and outlets! From board to bucket, this superhero does it all!
Hulk Hogan, the wrestler from the day shift, is writing their story on the gym tonight!
Adolf Hitler walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to defending the front line!
Adolf Hitler dumps his Gatorade on Stephen Hawking who screams because it was cold. Hulk Hogan piles on. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
114-91 (W)
This franchise cornerstone Iron Man catches the Spalding early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Stephen Hawking cuts and scores! Sharp as their lecture notes, this university professor!
Iron Man, this short king, locks down the attacker! Nerves of steel on the defensive end!
Iron Man with the skip pass! Assist leads to an open thunderous slam!
Chuck Norris communicates the switch! Clear as a stuntman's instructions!
Break! Iron Man has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Word is Iron Man sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Chuck Norris, this franchise cornerstone, knifes through for a step-back three from the right corner! Wow!
Hulk Hogan tips their jersey to the crowd! The wrestler gesture with the rosin bag!
This first-ballot legend Chuck Norris celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
The transformation of Iron Man is complete! This potential GOAT has arrived!
Stephen Hawking pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This hall-of-fame lock savors the win!
Stephen Hawking charges toward the crowd. Iron Man catches him just before he dives into the stands. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-107 (L)
Hulk Hogan, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Air ball from Iron Man! Being a superhero doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Hulk Hogan tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Injury-prone body in the decision-making!
Adolf Hitler gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
Adolf Hitler scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a soldier right there!
Into the tunnel. Hulk Hogan grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Confession: Hulk Hogan tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This hall-of-fame lock Chuck Norris throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Adolf Hitler gets a clean look but sometimes predictable game costs the bucket!
Hulk Hogan spaces the floor! Making room out there like a wrestler clears the workspace!
Iron Man fades away but can't sustain the effort! Hot head emptying the tank!
Stephen Hawking, this franchise cornerstone, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
Iron Man bites his lip, fists clenched. Chuck Norris shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
115-84 (W)
Iron Man starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
Stephen Hawking knocks it down! Solid as a university professor with their lecture notes in hand!
Iron Man with the alley-oop pass! This short king throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, showcases eyes in the back of the head with a gorgeous sky hook!
Iron Man wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a superhero on the clock!
Coach calls everyone back. Chuck Norris drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Chuck Norris once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This all-time great Adolf Hitler does it again! A fadeaway jumper with effortless precision!
The rout is on! Stephen Hawking's their lecture notes dismantled the opposition like the young scholars!
Stephen Hawking, this guy with rings on every finger, sneezes mid-free throw! Bless you and miss!
Hulk Hogan does the wrestler dance after a devastating dunk! The mat canvas has never looked this fun!
Adolf Hitler, this scrappy guard, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Chuck Norris and Iron Man play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Chuck Norris loses. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-119 (L)
Adolf Hitler stretches center court! Loosening up, the soldier is getting ready!
Stephen Hawking misses the layup! Even the young scholars would have gone in easier!
Iron Man commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Iron Man fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a superhero chasing the game!
A floater by Chuck Norris! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Stephen Hawking picks up the pace. Intel: Stephen Hawking asked Toronto Border-Patrol for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Iron Man stares in disbelief! The look of a superhero who just lost everything!
Chuck Norris attacks but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
Chuck Norris makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true stuntman!
Adolf Hitler, this generational talent, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Stephen Hawking tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we challenges better, like the young scholars!'
Adolf Hitler takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Hulk Hogan follows the same path. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
103-118 (L)
Chuck Norris explodes into position! This potential GOAT not wasting any time!
Off the mark for Stephen Hawking! Great university professor, not so great at basketball tonight!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure in transition!
Chuck Norris, this undersized spark plug, fouls unnecessarily from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots!
What a shot from Hulk Hogan! A wrestler bringing the rosin bag energy to the floor!
First half is done. Chuck Norris is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Chuck Norris was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Iron Man, this lightning-quick little man, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
A tear drop attempt by Stephen Hawking falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
This global icon Adolf Hitler runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Hulk Hogan tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a wrestler's energy for the mat canvas!
This global icon Iron Man stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this global icon wanted.
Iron Man kicks his towel across the floor. Hulk Hogan has already left for the locker room, alone. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
100-111 (L)
Adolf Hitler takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The soldier with their service rifle is here!
This basketball god Iron Man throws up a prayer from the right corner! Not answered!
Stephen Hawking loses possession! The young scholars never leaves a university professor's hands like that!
This global icon Chuck Norris gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to force bad shots when boxing out!
Hulk Hogan with a double-clutch layup! The finesse of the rosin bag right there on the floor!
Back to the locker room. Hulk Hogan's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Juicy anecdote: Hulk Hogan was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Adolf Hitler drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Stephen Hawking goes to work the Wilson awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this absolute legend!
Adolf Hitler sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a soldier at work!
Stephen Hawking takes the rest play! Even a university professor needs a breather!
Chuck Norris leaves the hardwood with dignity! The dignity of a stuntman with their crash mat!
Chuck Norris walks head down toward the tunnel. Adolf Hitler drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
81-126 (L)
This established star Hulk Hogan opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
This elite player Hulk Hogan misses the mark! A sky hook goes begging facing the rim!
Chuck Norris botches the handoff! Even their crash mat exchanges go smoother!
Adolf Hitler gets posted up and scored on! This undisputed superstar overpowered!
Iron Man walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Halftime whistle. Chuck Norris has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Did you know Chuck Norris once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Iron Man rises up but it's well off! Shaky emotions under pressure under fatigue!
Chuck Norris misses from fatigue! This absolute legend can't get the elevation on the low block!
Hulk Hogan with the errant pass! This established star needs to settle down!
Hulk Hogan mouths off and picks up a T! Shaky emotions under pressure taking over!
This household name Chuck Norris congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this household name.
Chuck Norris hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Iron Man keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
88-132 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, takes the court! The roaring arena is electric!
Chuck Norris goes 0 for the quarter! A stuntman having a rough shift with their crash mat!
Hulk Hogan rises up into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Chuck Norris, this little thunder, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!
Adolf Hitler throws their hands up! Like a soldier when their service rifle breaks!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Hawking punches his locker. Fun fact: Stephen Hawking got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Iron Man misfires at half court! Even this undisputed superstar has off nights!
Iron Man is clearly fatigued! The contest of this plus the contest of competing the game!
Sloppy handling by Chuck Norris! Executing the daring stunt is done with more finesse!
Iron Man slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a superhero hits the workbench!
Chuck Norris hangs their head! A stuntman who gave everything they had!
Iron Man isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Hulk Hogan tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. I learned that Iron Man's father was a stuntman. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
92-130 (L)
Stephen Hawking opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This household name making an early statement!
Stephen Hawking misses from the corner! Under the basket is no place for their lecture notes!
Adolf Hitler, this small but mighty player, gets stripped in the paint! Sometimes predictable game exposed!
Chuck Norris, this little thunder, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
Hulk Hogan looks to the heavens! A wrestler praying for the rosin bag to work!
Break! Adolf Hitler has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know? Adolf Hitler once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Adolf Hitler misfires again! Having the front line-shaped night!
Chuck Norris, this lightning-quick little man, laboring up and down! Heavy feet draining the energy!
Stephen Hawking forces the pass! Forcing their lecture notes where it doesn't fit!
Adolf Hitler argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to defending the front line!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, trudges off the den. Lessons to take from this one.
Chuck Norris's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Iron Man breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I learned that Chuck Norris's father was a stuntman. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
106-101 (W)
Tip-off! Chuck Norris gets us started! Let's go!
Adolf Hitler, this once-in-a-lifetime player, clamps down on the star player! Silky smooth technique on the assignment!
Adolf Hitler with a wild attempt! This global icon not finding the range tonight!
Hulk Hogan attacks at the buzzer and finishes with a two-handed slam! Too good!
Adolf Hitler goes small-ball! Adapting like a soldier who reads the room!
Halftime! Iron Man looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Exclusive info: Iron Man is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler with the monster rebound in traffic in after a timeout! Saved the game!
Hulk Hogan with the full-court pressure! This top-tier talent making them uncomfortable!
Post-game fireworks for Stephen Hawking! Brighter than their lecture notes on a perfect day!
Stephen Hawking, this smooth operator, hits the big shot! In the dying seconds! That's a closer!
Stephen Hawking sits on the bench with a smile! This potential GOAT job well done!
Adolf Hitler does a handstand. Stephen Hawking holds him by the feet. The crowd holds its breath. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-105 (L)
Chuck Norris takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Chuck Norris misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the daring stunt!
Iron Man throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the superhero got too confident!
Chuck Norris bites on the fake! Fooled like a stuntman by counterfeit the daring stunt!
Chuck Norris with the step-back double-clutch layup! Creating space like a stuntman with their crash mat!
The locker room. Iron Man sprawls out full-length on the bench. Rumor has it Iron Man does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Chuck Norris vents at their teammates! The stuntman who vents about the daring stunt!
Hulk Hogan off the back iron! Hard miss, even a wrestler cringes at that!
Stephen Hawking makes the hockey pass! An unmatched feel for the game finding the extra pass!
Hulk Hogan is running on fumes! The wrestler tank is completely empty!
Hulk Hogan tips the cap to the winners! The wrestler's grace with the mat canvas!
Chuck Norris pulls his cap down over his eyes. Adolf Hitler doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Chuck Norris's name. Forgive me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
89-134 (L)
Chuck Norris sets the tone early! The stuntman came to play tonight!
Hulk Hogan misses the open look! This certified bucket can't believe it! Ego the size of Texas!
Iron Man with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Adolf Hitler turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
Stephen Hawking dribbles angrily after the turnover! This potential GOAT spiraling!
Halftime whistle. Iron Man high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Iron Man raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This multi-time All-Star Hulk Hogan misfires again! Tendency to force bad shots could cost the team!
Stephen Hawking drags their feet! Heavy as their lecture notes at the end of a shift!
Intercepted! Adolf Hitler's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
Chuck Norris buries their face! Hidden from view, the stuntman can't watch!
Adolf Hitler consoles teammates! The heart of a soldier in that moment!
Hulk Hogan hurls his water bottle at the wall. Chuck Norris flinches but doesn't react. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Iron Man on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. Standing at 6 cm, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Chuck Norris. The man. Is. A stuntman. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A stuntman. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their crash mat and apparently, the technical motion of a stuntman and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #12 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Iron Man.
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