Harry Potter — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Harry Potter | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Harry Potter! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Ron Weasley. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Ron Weasley, his brother-in-law and an engineer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their slide rule and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Ron Weasley can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the impossible structure to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Game time! Rubeus Hagrid and this guy nobody was talking about ready to put on a show at the venue!
Albus Dumbledore short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their lab notebook!
Harry Potter rises up into a dead end in the paint! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Lord Voldemort loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Ron Weasley, this dude out of nowhere, with the frustrated foul! Shaky emotions under pressure in tough moments!
Halftime whistle. Lord Voldemort spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Quick anecdote about Lord Voldemort: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
A floater from Rubeus Hagrid sails wide! This player nobody saw coming needs to regroup!
Harry Potter is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Ron Weasley gets picked! An engineer getting the impossible structure stolen in broad daylight!
Ron Weasley, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Rubeus Hagrid walks off in silence. This dude out of nowhere gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Ron Weasley mutters 'damn' under his breath. Harry Potter says 'yeah' in the same tone. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
101-118 (L)
Tip-off! Rubeus Hagrid gets us started! Let's go!
Harry Potter misfires! The juggler's precision with the game is nowhere to be found!
Ron Weasley launches carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This guy nobody was talking about Rubeus Hagrid caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Harry Potter dunks in the paint with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
Break! Harry Potter has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Harry Potter believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Lord Voldemort picks up the second technical! This big-name player ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
Ron Weasley launches a step-back three and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
This franchise cornerstone Albus Dumbledore switches defensive assignments on the fly! Next-level basketball IQ!
Ron Weasley soldiers on! The soldier who builds the impossible structure with their slide rule!
Rubeus Hagrid, this who-is-this-guy player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Harry Potter hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Albus Dumbledore keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
88-133 (L)
Rubeus Hagrid lets fly onto the floor! The crowd roars for this potential breakout star!
This hall-of-fame lock Harry Potter short-arms a reverse layup under the basket! Not enough lift!
This guy with rings on every finger Albus Dumbledore with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Lord Voldemort gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Ron Weasley slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an engineer hits the workbench!
Time to breathe. Albus Dumbledore has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Albus Dumbledore knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Orlando Magic-Beans's colors. By accident, obviously. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Rubeus Hagrid, this versatile guy, gets the look but can't convert at half court!
Albus Dumbledore needs oxygen! More winded than a researcher after overtime!
Lord Voldemort throws it away! A pass worse than a fictional tyrant tossing the game!
Rubeus Hagrid, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
This surprise package Rubeus Hagrid tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Harry Potter refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Rubeus Hagrid watches it and immediately regrets it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
93-119 (L)
Albus Dumbledore opens with a sky hook! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
Harry Potter, this solid build, gets the look in transition but the lid's on the rim!
Lord Voldemort spins the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this big-name player!
Lord Voldemort, this smooth operator, gets dunked on driving to the hoop! Poster material!
A floater from Rubeus Hagrid off the pick and roll! That's a certified bucket-getter!
The players file out. Lord Voldemort exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it Lord Voldemort has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
This basketball god Albus Dumbledore gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Albus Dumbledore, this potential GOAT, with a contested deep three that misses off the pick and roll!
This player nobody saw coming Rubeus Hagrid recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Ron Weasley is running on pure willpower! This hungry young player refusing to quit!
Albus Dumbledore walks off in defeat! Even a researcher's skills couldn't save tonight!
Harry Potter leaves the court at a jog. Lord Voldemort stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
76-115 (L)
Albus Dumbledore, this undisputed superstar, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!
Albus Dumbledore launches the basketball into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Turnover by Ron Weasley! Building the impossible structure requires less coordination, clearly!
This guy nobody was talking about Ron Weasley can't recover! Scored on at the buzzer! Sometimes predictable game!
Albus Dumbledore storms to the bench! Heated! This researcher doesn't handle losing well!
Break. Albus Dumbledore asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Rumor has it Albus Dumbledore tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Harry Potter, this absolute legend, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Rubeus Hagrid crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Occasional mental lapses emptying the tank!
Lord Voldemort botches the handoff! Even their bare hands exchanges go smoother!
Ron Weasley gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Albus Dumbledore absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a researcher knows tough days!
Ron Weasley's eyes are red, jaw tight. Lord Voldemort apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-116 (L)
Ron Weasley announces themselves! The engineer has arrived and the building knows it!
Lord Voldemort explodes the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this max-contract guy!
Lord Voldemort coughs up the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again at the top of the key!
Ron Weasley lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this dark horse fooled!
Albus Dumbledore, this tweener, showcases an unmatched feel for the game with a gorgeous alley-oop!
Break. Harry Potter collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Small detail: Harry Potter wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
This dark horse Rubeus Hagrid shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Albus Dumbledore misses the open look! A researcher never misses the unknown variable... But misses the ball!
Lord Voldemort with the perfect cut! Precision of a fictional tyrant with their bare hands!
Ron Weasley drags their feet! Heavy as their slide rule at the end of a shift!
Lord Voldemort leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a fictional tyrant after the game setback!
Albus Dumbledore sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Lord Voldemort winces. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
94-123 (L)
Ron Weasley checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Lord Voldemort misses at the buzzer! A fictional tyrant who missed the deadline!
Ron Weasley loses possession! The impossible structure never leaves an engineer's hands like that!
Ron Weasley can't contain the drive! Building the impossible structure is more containable!
A layup from Ron Weasley! This potential breakout star is putting on a show tonight!
First half is done. Harry Potter is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Staff confession: Harry Potter is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Lord Voldemort throws their hands up! Like a fictional tyrant when their bare hands breaks!
Rubeus Hagrid posts up but the shot rims out! Limited stamina rears its ugly head!
This hungry young player Rubeus Hagrid adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Albus Dumbledore tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a researcher's energy for the unknown variable!
Harry Potter fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the juggler gave everything!
Albus Dumbledore taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Lord Voldemort walks through the door without pushing it. I learned tonight that Albus Dumbledore used to be a juggler. That explains the unique running style. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-134 (L)
Harry Potter stretches center court! Loosening up, the juggler is getting ready!
Rubeus Hagrid, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Occasional mental lapses!
Harry Potter, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the damn ball!
Lord Voldemort left in the dust! Even a fictional tyrant moves faster than that!
Harry Potter waves off the play! The authority of a juggler in that gesture!
Time to breathe. Ron Weasley has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little secret: Ron Weasley watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Lord Voldemort, this smooth operator, can't finish from way beyond the arc! That one stings!
Albus Dumbledore misses the rotation! Too tired, like a researcher too tired for the unknown variable!
Lord Voldemort, this do-it-all player, gets stripped from downtown! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Lord Voldemort, this smooth operator, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Harry Potter takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad juggler day!
Rubeus Hagrid hurls his water bottle at the wall. Albus Dumbledore flinches but doesn't react. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
97-126 (L)
Ron Weasley bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Harry Potter misses! Even a juggler can't fix that shot!
Lord Voldemort turns it over in the baseline! Butterfingers from this fictional tyrant!
Lord Voldemort bites on the fake! Fooled like a fictional tyrant by counterfeit the game!
This reliable star Lord Voldemort goes to work from downtown! An alley-oop drops beautifully!
Halftime whistle! Lord Voldemort grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Lord Voldemort fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Ron Weasley, this dark horse, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Ron Weasley, this who-is-this-guy player, pulls the trigger along the baseline but no luck!
Rubeus Hagrid, this dark horse, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a reverse layup!
Harry Potter, this tweener, looks exhausted on the low block! The legs are gone!
This potential breakout star Rubeus Hagrid congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this potential breakout star.
Lord Voldemort and Albus Dumbledore walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-127 (L)
Harry Potter takes the court to an electric crowd! The juggler with their bare hands is here!
This player nobody saw coming Rubeus Hagrid with a rare miss back to the basket! Even the best stumble!
Ron Weasley with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost engineer!
Albus Dumbledore, this do-it-all player, fouls unnecessarily in the paint! Tendency to rush!
Albus Dumbledore tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the researcher will bounce back!
Both teams head to the locker room. Rubeus Hagrid wipes his forehead with his jersey. Intel: Rubeus Hagrid once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Albus Dumbledore, this generational talent, comes up empty! An and-one off target from downtown!
Rubeus Hagrid explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Occasional mental lapses catching up!
This generational talent Harry Potter forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Harry Potter glares at the Spalding! Like it personally betrayed this juggler!
Ron Weasley hangs their head! An engineer who gave everything they had!
Lord Voldemort walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Albus Dumbledore speeds up. Wants it to be over. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
76-116 (L)
Opening possession for Albus Dumbledore! First touch, like first touch of their lab notebook!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Rubeus Hagrid catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This diamond in the rough Rubeus Hagrid loses concentration and the damn ball with it!
Lord Voldemort gets crossed over! This top-tier talent left frozen from mid-range!
Albus Dumbledore mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Break. Ron Weasley collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Physio's confession: Ron Weasley purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Lord Voldemort with a wild attempt! This certified bucket not finding the range tonight!
This bonafide star Lord Voldemort calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!
Rubeus Hagrid, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from the right corner!
Albus Dumbledore shakes their head! A researcher who can't believe that just happened!
Rubeus Hagrid, this all-around player, trudges off the palace of hoops. Lessons to take from this one.
Rubeus Hagrid walks head down toward the tunnel. Harry Potter drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
83-120 (L)
This newcomer Rubeus Hagrid opens the scoring! A pull-up jumper! Early advantage!
Harry Potter, this swiss-army-knife type, bobbles the basketball and the chance evaporates under the basket!
Rubeus Hagrid throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure in transition!
Ron Weasley, this tweener, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
This raw talent Ron Weasley can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Back to the locker room. Ron Weasley's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know Ron Weasley knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Cleveland Twin-Towers's colors. By accident, obviously. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Albus Dumbledore fires a thunderous slam from the right corner but can't connect! Lack of consistency showing!
Lord Voldemort, this big-name player, is dragging! The this ball game minutes taking their toll!
Sloppy handling by Lord Voldemort! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Albus Dumbledore argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to investigating the unknown variable!
Harry Potter tips the cap to the winners! The juggler's grace with the game!
Harry Potter rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Ron Weasley picks up his own and folds it carefully. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-122 (L)
Harry Potter, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! Immense pressure!
Harry Potter bobbles and misses! Fumbling the pill like it's a Monday morning!
Harry Potter with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Rubeus Hagrid bites on the pump fake! This surprise package sent flying at the buzzer!
Ron Weasley buries their face! Hidden from view, the engineer can't watch!
The players disappear. Albus Dumbledore has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Little secret: Albus Dumbledore watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Rubeus Hagrid fades away and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
This hungry young player Rubeus Hagrid can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Lord Voldemort with the errant pass! This elite player needs to settle down!
Ron Weasley stares in disbelief! The look of an engineer who just lost everything!
Ron Weasley walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to engineer life tomorrow!
Ron Weasley mutters 'damn' under his breath. Albus Dumbledore says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
87-131 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Harry Potter comes out firing! A two-handed slam in the first minute!
Albus Dumbledore misfires from downtown! This household name searching for answers!
Lord Voldemort dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the fictional tyrant's finest moment!
Albus Dumbledore gambles for the steal and pays the price! Hot head!
Harry Potter pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The juggler in them is showing!
Halftime whistle. Lord Voldemort flops into the first available chair. They say Lord Voldemort has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Lord Voldemort misses the open look! This headliner can't believe it! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Albus Dumbledore wipes sweat with the sneakers! Drenched, the researcher has been putting in work!
This generational talent Harry Potter gets pickpocketed at the top of the key! Sloppy handling!
Harry Potter, this once-in-a-lifetime player, yells at the coaching staff! Hot head causing friction!
Lord Voldemort refuses to make excuses! A fictional tyrant owns the game failures too!
Rubeus Hagrid refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Harry Potter watches it and immediately regrets it. I learned tonight that Rubeus Hagrid used to be a juggler. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
82-123 (L)
Lord Voldemort steps onto the floor! From competing the game to this, game time!
Off the mark for Albus Dumbledore! Great researcher, not so great at basketball tonight!
Rubeus Hagrid with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!
Harry Potter overcommits! Going all-in like a juggler on the game, but wrong!
Ron Weasley storms to the bench! This unknown gem is visibly upset!
Halftime! Lord Voldemort walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Confession: Lord Voldemort calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Harry Potter can't finish! The juggler who finishes the game can't finish the play!
This generational talent Harry Potter can barely jump! The springs are gone at the buzzer!
Rubeus Hagrid with the backcourt violation! This dark horse under too much pressure!
Albus Dumbledore is visibly upset! Upset as a researcher when the unknown variable goes sideways!
Harry Potter gave it everything! Everything a juggler has, left on the court!
Albus Dumbledore's complexion is grey. Harry Potter's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Harry Potter finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ron Weasley.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... Harry Potter!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Ron Weasley. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Ron Weasley, his brother-in-law and an engineer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their slide rule and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Ron Weasley can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the impossible structure to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Harry Potter finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ron Weasley.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!
