NJ People — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | NJ People | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... NJ People! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jon Jones. Standing at 192 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Barack Obama, his brother-in-law and a community organizer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their bullhorn and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Barack Obama can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the neighborhood to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
92-108 (L)
Jon Jones pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This name that's buzzing locked in!
Jake Gyllenhaal, this certified GOAT candidate, comes up empty! A buzzer-beater off target on the low block!
Jon Jones, this all-around player, fumbles the entry pass back to the basket!
Ryan Reynolds gets posterized! A film producer framed by their loaded checkbook in the worst way!
Jon Jones scores with the rosin bag, no, with their hands! But the precision is the same!
First half is done. Ryan Reynolds is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Locker room anecdote: Ryan Reynolds talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Ryan Gosling can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the leather frustration!
Ryan Reynolds whiffs on the jumper! A film producer off their game with their loaded checkbook!
This living legend Ryan Gosling calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Jake Gyllenhaal slows down visibly! Slower than the script binder on low power!
Ryan Reynolds sits alone on the bench. This all-time great processing the defeat.
Ryan Reynolds has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Jon Jones has aged ten years in forty minutes. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
119-93 (W)
Opening possession for Barack Obama! First touch, like first touch of their bullhorn!
This player making noise Jon Jones does it again! A finger roll with effortless precision!
Jon Jones strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Jon Jones directs the offense! Directing traffic with wrestler command!
Ryan Gosling communicates the switch! Clear as a film producer's instructions!
Halftime whistle. Ryan Gosling flops into the first available chair. Did you know Ryan Gosling knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Miami Heart-Attack's colors. By accident, obviously. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Barack Obama catches fire! And it's a finger roll! Scary good handles taking over!
Jon Jones, this name that's buzzing, waves the crowd up! A sold-out gym on fire rising!
Ryan Reynolds boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a film producer with the risky picture!
This living legend Jake Gyllenhaal has that look in the eyes! Watch out! That dawg mentality!
That's the game! Jake Gyllenhaal finishes with a monster performance! This once-in-a-lifetime player victorious!
Jon Jones and Ryan Reynolds attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Ryan Gosling films the whole thing. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
107-102 (W)
This household name Ryan Reynolds gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This well-respected player Jon Jones with a commanding rebound driving to the hoop! Intimidating!
Jon Jones bobbles and misses! Fumbling the damn ball like it's a Monday morning!
Ryan Reynolds with a layup on the break! Running like they're late for work!
This up-and-coming baller Jon Jones recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Halftime. Ryan Gosling glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Confession: Ryan Gosling tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Jake Gyllenhaal with the go-ahead sky hook! A movie actor taking charge with the script binder!
Ryan Reynolds walls up in the elbow! Immovable as their loaded checkbook bolted down!
The crowd gasps at Ryan Reynolds's move! Agility worthy of a film producer!
Ryan Reynolds explodes past the defender! A two-handed slam in the clutch! Incredible!
Barack Obama waves goodbye to the venue! See you next time, from their bullhorn to the pill!
Ryan Reynolds does the robot at center court while Barack Obama pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-83 (W)
Jon Jones checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Barack Obama finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a community organizer who's running late!
Jake Gyllenhaal quarterbacks the offense! Commanding the floor like a movie actor on the clock!
Barack Obama finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bullhorn!
Barack Obama alters the shot! Bending the play to their will, pure community organizer power!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Ryan Gosling to massage his thighs. Small detail: Ryan Gosling whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jon Jones scores a buzzer beater! The rosin bag by day, buckets by night!
Barack Obama with the dagger in the blowout! Overkill! The community organizer showed no mercy!
This all-time great Jake Gyllenhaal tries the no-look and passes to the camera crew!
Jake Gyllenhaal gestures with invisible the script binder! The signature movie actor celebration!
Ryan Gosling owns the night! Owner of the palace of hoops and the risky picture alike!
Ryan Reynolds rips the net off the rim. Barack Obama wraps it around his neck like a scarf. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
115-93 (W)
Jon Jones locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a wrestler who means business!
Ryan Gosling racks up a finger roll! Productive night for this film producer!
Ryan Gosling, this solid build, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by a gym-rat work ethic!
Ryan Reynolds with the skip pass! Skipping over the defense, pure film producer vision!
Ryan Reynolds executes a half-court set perfectly! Precision learned as a film producer!
Break! Barack Obama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Small detail: Barack Obama wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Jake Gyllenhaal drops an alley-oop! The accuracy of a movie actor on full display!
Chills at the palace of hoops as Barack Obama gets introduced! The community organizer with their bullhorn!
Jon Jones rallies everyone! The rally of a wrestler rallying around the mat canvas!
Jake Gyllenhaal's transformation from movie actor to athlete is this marquee showdown's best story!
Barack Obama with the game ball! Earned it the hard way, community organizer style!
Ryan Reynolds gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Barack Obama gives his shoes. Jake Gyllenhaal gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-91 (W)
Barack Obama starts in the sixth man! Playing the sixth man the way a community organizer plays with their bullhorn!
Jake Gyllenhaal knocks down an and-one off the pick and roll! Ice in the veins!
Jon Jones times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A defensive stop at half court!
This hall-of-fame lock Ryan Gosling with the behind-the-back dish! Highlight-reel pass!
Ryan Gosling triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with film producer urgency!
Break. Ryan Reynolds's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little scoop: Ryan Reynolds collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The players look fired up.
Ryan Reynolds hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a film producer lifting their loaded checkbook!
Barack Obama salutes the fans! Saluting the crowd, the community organizer signs off in style!
Ryan Reynolds steps back the basketball into the right hands! This all-time great quarterback!
This is Jon Jones's chapter: the wrestler who rose from the mat canvas to stardom!
Ryan Reynolds, this absolute legend, points to the crowd! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This was for the fans!
Ryan Gosling takes a bow for the crowd. Jon Jones bows to Ryan Gosling. The nobility of basketball. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
108-114 (L)
The game begins and Barack Obama is ready! You can see next-level basketball IQ written all over his face!
Jake Gyllenhaal launches and misses! The leather isn't the film character, and it shows!
Barack Obama throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bullhorn into the void!
Ryan Gosling, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
Ryan Gosling dunks past everyone for a hook shot! This swiss-army-knife type on a mission!
The players head to the locker room. Jon Jones is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Jon Jones lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jon Jones shakes their head! A wrestler who can't believe that just happened!
Barack Obama, this global icon, with a contested floater that misses along the baseline!
Jon Jones makes the hockey pass! Next-level basketball IQ finding the extra pass!
Jake Gyllenhaal, this swiss-army-knife type, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Ryan Reynolds vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Ryan Reynolds is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Ryan Gosling waits at the tunnel entrance. Did you know that Ryan Gosling practices film producer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
108-112 (L)
Tip-off! Ryan Gosling gets us started! Let's go!
Barack Obama, this versatile guy, showcases ridiculous creativity with a gorgeous pull-up jumper!
Ryan Reynolds left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Barack Obama misses at the buzzer! A community organizer who missed the deadline!
Jon Jones with the momentum-shifting play! The willpower of a wrestler right there!
Halftime. Jake Gyllenhaal wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Anecdote: Jake Gyllenhaal lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Barack Obama shoots and bricks it! Ego the size of Texas in the third quarter!
Ryan Gosling posts up angrily after the turnover! This basketball god spiraling!
This all-time great Barack Obama silences the noise! Silky smooth technique locked in! Nothing else matters!
Barack Obama throws it away in overtime! A community organizer wasting their bullhorn at the worst time!
Ryan Gosling tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we greenlights better, like the risky picture!'
Ryan Reynolds chews his nails on the bench. Barack Obama stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
109-112 (L)
This respected competitor Jon Jones means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Ryan Gosling attacks the damn ball into a tear drop! An off-the-charts basketball IQ shining through!
Jake Gyllenhaal loses their assignment! Like losing the script binder in the workshop!
Ryan Gosling air-mails a deep three on the low block! Way off for this basketball god!
Jon Jones leads the charge back! Charging forward with wrestler tenacity!
Break! Ryan Reynolds grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Physio's confession: Ryan Reynolds purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Barack Obama called for the travel at the buzzer! Walking away from the neighborhood shame!
Jon Jones mouths off at after a timeout! A wrestler venting about the mat canvas!
The evolution of Barack Obama: rallying the neighborhood taught patience. The gym taught glory!
This league veteran Jon Jones fouls in the clutch! Tendency to force bad shots showing late!
Jake Gyllenhaal, this swiss-army-knife type, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Ryan Gosling slams his fist on the bench. Jon Jones places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
105-89 (W)
Ryan Reynolds looks dialed in from the start! That dawg mentality preparation showing!
Jake Gyllenhaal nails a buzzer beater at right from the tip-off! A movie actor who delivers when it matters!
Ryan Gosling with the chase-down left-handed block! What athleticism!
Jake Gyllenhaal with the give-and-go! Teamwork from portraying the film character together!
This generational talent Jake Gyllenhaal sets the back screen! An off-the-charts basketball IQ off-ball contribution!
Into the tunnel. Ryan Gosling grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Exclusive: Ryan Gosling was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Barack Obama knocks it down! Solid as a community organizer with their bullhorn in hand!
The announcer calls Jake Gyllenhaal 'The movie actor!' the arena roars its approval!
Barack Obama takes the charge for the team! Heart of a community organizer, sacrifice of a warrior!
This household name Barack Obama embraces the pressure! This is what greatness looks like!
This established player Jon Jones seals the deal! Victory with pure God-given talent!
Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds fake a wrestling match. Jon Jones plays the referee and calls a timeout. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-126 (L)
The court welcomes Barack Obama! The community organizer with the neighborhood has arrived!
Ryan Gosling can't buy a bucket! Another miss back to the basket! Frustrating!
Barack Obama trips up in the corner! A community organizer never trips at work... Right?
Barack Obama gets crossed over! This once-in-a-lifetime player left frozen from the left corner!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the team!
Time to breathe. Jake Gyllenhaal has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Juicy intel: Jake Gyllenhaal turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Barack Obama rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their bullhorn intensity!
Ryan Reynolds asks for ice! Cooling down, even a film producer's engine needs a rest!
Jon Jones gets picked! A wrestler getting the mat canvas stolen in broad daylight!
This legit talent Jon Jones gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
This established player Jon Jones congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this established player.
Barack Obama's gaze is cold, distant. Ryan Reynolds's gaze is hot, angry. I learned tonight that Barack Obama used to be a film producer. That explains the unique running style. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
105-114 (L)
Jon Jones announces themselves! The wrestler has arrived and the building knows it!
Barack Obama, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Ego the size of Texas!
Jake Gyllenhaal with the errant pass! This undisputed superstar needs to settle down!
This absolute legend Jake Gyllenhaal picks up the cheap foul! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Ryan Gosling pours it in! A film producer who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
Break time. Ryan Gosling bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little secret: Ryan Gosling watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
Jon Jones just barely misses! Close as a wrestler getting the mat canvas almost right!
Jon Jones runs the offense! Running it like a wrestler runs the show!
Ryan Reynolds is spent! Used up like the risky picture after a film producer's long day!
Ryan Reynolds takes the loss hard! Hard as the risky picture on a bad film producer day!
Ryan Reynolds collapses into the first available chair. Ryan Gosling stays standing, eyes glazed over. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
105-109 (L)
Barack Obama, this certified GOAT candidate, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Jon Jones banks it in the paint! A wrestler's steady hand at work!
This generational talent Barack Obama misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jake Gyllenhaal misses the free throw! Portraying the film character under pressure is easier!
Ryan Gosling wills the team forward! The will of a film producer with the risky picture!
Break! Jon Jones rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: Jon Jones once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Jake Gyllenhaal airballs the potential winner! Portraying the film character is easier than this!
Ryan Gosling, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Defense that's basically a suggestion written all over his face!
Every film producer in the crowd sees themselves in Ryan Reynolds's battle with the Spalding!
This first-ballot legend Jake Gyllenhaal misses the free throws! Tendency to rush at the line!
Jake Gyllenhaal consoles teammates! The heart of a movie actor in that moment!
Jon Jones and Ryan Gosling share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jon Jones's name. Forgive me. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
92-131 (L)
Ryan Gosling takes the court to a hostile crowd! The film producer with their loaded checkbook is here!
Jake Gyllenhaal, this hall-of-fame lock, with the shot-clock heave! No good along the baseline!
Ryan Gosling coughs up the Wilson! Sometimes predictable game strikes again in transition!
Jake Gyllenhaal beaten to the spot! Slower than a movie actor on a Monday morning!
Jon Jones, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated back to the basket!
Rest. Jake Gyllenhaal buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. True story: Jake Gyllenhaal walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against San Antonio Skyscrapers. Awkward. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Jake Gyllenhaal off the back iron! Hard miss, even a movie actor cringes at that!
Jake Gyllenhaal mops their face! Sweating more than when portraying the film character!
Ryan Reynolds with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
Ryan Gosling tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the film producer will bounce back!
Jake Gyllenhaal gave it everything! Everything a movie actor has, left on the court!
Ryan Gosling isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Ryan Reynolds tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Evening confession: I'm wearing Ryan Gosling's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
104-107 (L)
Jon Jones comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the wrestler means business!
Ryan Gosling adds to the total! A film producer who always exceeds expectations!
Jon Jones falls asleep on the weak side! Injury-prone body exposed!
Jon Jones clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the rosin bag hitting the mat canvas!
Ryan Gosling with the hustle rebound! Hustling harder than greenlighting the risky picture!
Into the tunnel. Barack Obama grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Did you know Barack Obama once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Jon Jones misses in the clutch! A bucket off the mark in overtime!
Ryan Reynolds slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a film producer hits the workbench!
Jon Jones's journey from the mat canvas to an and-one inspires a Finals-like atmosphere!
This guy with rings on every finger Barack Obama picks up the foul in late in the quarter! Terrible timing!
Ryan Reynolds packs up and heads out! Packing their loaded checkbook, unpacking emotions!
Jon Jones's gaze is cold, distant. Ryan Reynolds's gaze is hot, angry. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
NJ People ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Jon Jones.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... NJ People!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jon Jones. Standing at 192 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Barack Obama, his brother-in-law and a community organizer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their bullhorn and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Barack Obama can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the neighborhood to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
NJ People ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Jon Jones.
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