My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | My Team | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kobe Bryant. Standing at 198 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Andrew Tate. The man. Is. A mixed martial arts fighter. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A mixed martial arts fighter. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got mouth guard and apparently, the technical motion of a mixed martial arts fighter and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
97-115 (L)
Nate Thurmond, this next-level player, draws first blood! An off-balance shot to start!
Deron Williams with the contested reverse layup back to the basket! No good! Bad selection!
Kobe Bryant shoots carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Deron Williams, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Deron Williams scores with night-in night-out consistency. A tear drop in the paint! Too smooth!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Deron Williams asks for an ice pack. Little scoop: Deron Williams tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This established star Andrew Tate can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Deron Williams fades away but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Brandon Roy uses the hesitation dribble! Ridiculous creativity creating separation!
This seasoned vet Deron Williams signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
This solid pro Deron Williams shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Deron Williams hurls his water bottle at the wall. Kobe Bryant flinches but doesn't react. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
126-88 (W)
This seasoned vet Nate Thurmond gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Brandon Roy strings together a hook shot off the pick and roll. Pure God-given talent on full display!
Andrew Tate quarterbacks the offense! Commanding the floor like a mixed martial arts fighter on the clock!
A thunderous slam! Andrew Tate cannot be stopped tonight! This guy everybody knows is locked in!
Deron Williams, this swiss-army-knife type, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
Break. Kobe Bryant asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Nate Thurmond fires away the rock with an unmatched feel for the game. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Nate Thurmond dishes to yet another easy bucket! The floodgates opened!
Kobe Bryant trips over the Wilson! Even this all-time great has those moments!
Nate Thurmond, this tower, chest bumps the teammate! A hug with the coach! Pure joy!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Kobe Bryant improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Brandon Roy plays the imaginary violin. I learned tonight that Kobe Bryant used to be a mixed martial arts fighter. That explains the unique running style. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-105 (W)
Deron Williams pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this respected competitor!
A devastating dunk from Kobe Bryant! This household name just keeps delivering!
Nate Thurmond, this absolute unit, locks down the attacker! A gym-rat work ethic on the defensive end!
Brandon Roy explodes into the lane and kicks out! Eyes in the back of the head and great decision-making!
Kobe Bryant makes the hockey pass! Iron discipline finding the extra pass!
Halftime! Brandon Roy is limping slightly heading off the court. Exclusive: Brandon Roy was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Kobe Bryant with the highlight-reel devastating dunk! This once-in-a-lifetime player owning the moment!
This respected competitor Deron Williams silences the hostile crowd! A Finals-like atmosphere shifts!
This name that's buzzing Nate Thurmond celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
Kobe Bryant is inevitable tonight! This household name can't be stopped!
Andrew Tate punches the air at game's end! Victory! The mixed martial arts fighter did it!
Brandon Roy and Deron Williams swap jerseys with each other. Makes no sense but it's the emotion talking. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
117-95 (W)
Andrew Tate opens with a tear drop! This top-tier talent making an early statement!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, showcases ridiculous creativity with a gorgeous devastating dunk!
This certified GOAT candidate Kobe Bryant with the volleyball spike an iron-wall defense! Emphatic!
Brandon Roy with the bounce pass! This dude putting the league on notice threading it perfectly!
This legit talent Brandon Roy runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Andrew Tate picks up the pace. Locker room anecdote: Andrew Tate talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Brandon Roy with eyes in the back of the head finds the angle for a scoop layup!
Brandon Roy in a packed arena! This league veteran has been waiting for this stage!
This respected competitor Brandon Roy claps for the rookie! Encouragement from this respected competitor!
Brandon Roy is writing the story tonight! This name that's buzzing with a buzzer beater from the right corner!
Andrew Tate pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This guy everybody knows savors the win!
Andrew Tate and Nate Thurmond share a 30-second hug. Brandon Roy wants in. Gets pushed away. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-100 (W)
And we're underway! Nate Thurmond touches the Spalding first! This name that's buzzing looks eager!
This hall-of-fame lock Kobe Bryant anchors the defense facing the rim! Nothing gets through!
Brandon Roy rises up the ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this next-level player!
An and-one from downtown by Andrew Tate! This tweener with the long range!
Nate Thurmond posts up into the right spacing! A gym-rat work ethic and elite court awareness!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Andrew Tate to massage his thighs. They say Andrew Tate has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back! The players look fired up.
This respected competitor Brandon Roy takes over in the final quarter! Scary good handles in crunch time!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant with a ball recovery on the low block! Intimidating!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Andrew Tate gets hot!
Nate Thurmond, this tower, with the clutch and-one! The building erupts!
Andrew Tate reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of a mixed martial arts fighter after a big day!
Nate Thurmond and Deron Williams do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Nate Thurmond's name. Forgive me. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-114 (L)
This respected competitor Brandon Roy means business! Fast start at half court!
Nate Thurmond, this next-level player, comes up empty! A step-back three off target at the buzzer!
Kobe Bryant coughs up the damn ball! Tendency to force bad shots strikes again off the pick and roll!
Andrew Tate beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the opponent's guard slipping from a mixed martial arts fighter!
Kobe Bryant, this franchise cornerstone, with the exclamation-point devastating dunk! Game changer!
Break! Kobe Bryant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Locker room intel: Kobe Bryant has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Brandon Roy, this towering presence, waves off the play call! Occasional mental lapses hurting the team!
Deron Williams, this solid build, can't finish along the baseline! That one stings!
Kobe Bryant, this tree of a man, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Freakish explosiveness!
Brandon Roy, this big fella, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Kobe Bryant had the chances but couldn't convert. This hall-of-fame lock left wanting.
Deron Williams slams his fist on the bench. Kobe Bryant places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-112 (L)
Kobe Bryant, this colossus, is introduced and the arena explodes! This hall-of-fame lock is in the building!
This hooper's hooper Nate Thurmond puts up a pull-up jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
Deron Williams, this versatile guy, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Andrew Tate gives up the easy bucket! Easier than dismantling the opponent's guard!
Nate Thurmond with another two-handed slam! You can't stop this man!
Back to the locker room. Brandon Roy punches his locker. Fun fact: Brandon Roy is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Brandon Roy slams the leather in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Brandon Roy forces up a tear drop over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
Nate Thurmond, this guy with a proven track record, orchestrates the delay game! Eyes in the back of the head in action!
This All-Star caliber talent Andrew Tate can barely jump! The springs are gone back to the basket!
Andrew Tate walks off in silence. This world-class player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Andrew Tate lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Brandon Roy holds his in. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-99 (W)
This hooper's hooper Brandon Roy in the starting lineup! Let's see what this hooper's hooper brings!
Deron Williams jumps into the passing lane! A charge taken! Huge play!
Andrew Tate can't hit from the top of the key! That zone is cursed for this mixed martial arts fighter!
Nate Thurmond buries a deep three along the baseline! This respected competitor is on fire tonight!
Deron Williams slows the pace when the team needs it! This legit talent tempo control!
Halftime! Deron Williams has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Deron Williams entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Brandon Roy drives and drills it! On the inbound pass! Unreal swagger under pressure!
Deron Williams deflects the pass and starts the break! This dude putting the league on notice defense to offense!
Nate Thurmond, this colossus, commands palpable tension! The arena belongs to this next-level player!
Nate Thurmond, this solid pro, rises to the occasion! A bank shot on the low block! Huge!
Brandon Roy hugs the coach! This guy with a proven track record with a complete performance!
Andrew Tate jumps into Kobe Bryant's arms without warning. They both go down. Tonight I had a revelation: Kobe Bryant runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-119 (L)
Brandon Roy, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! An unmatched feel for the game from the jump!
Brandon Roy, this up-and-coming baller, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Brandon Roy with the errant pass! This player on the come-up needs to settle down!
Deron Williams gets crossed over! This dude putting the league on notice left frozen from mid-range!
Kobe Bryant converts a tough scoop layup facing the rim! Skill level: elite!
The locker room fills up. Kobe Bryant has already eaten three oranges. Did you know Kobe Bryant once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This seasoned vet Brandon Roy stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Andrew Tate can't convert the open shot! Dismantling the opponent's guard is way easier!
This respected competitor Brandon Roy adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
Nate Thurmond, this up-and-coming baller, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Deron Williams, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an unmatched feel for the game effort.
Nate Thurmond refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Deron Williams watches it and immediately regrets it. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
117-84 (W)
The game begins and Deron Williams is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Brandon Roy, this league veteran, exploits the mismatch for a floater! Too easy!
Andrew Tate times the pass perfectly! Timing of a mixed martial arts fighter with the mouth guard!
An alley-oop from Deron Williams! Another dagger! This seasoned vet closing the door!
Kobe Bryant a defensive stop at the critical moment! Night-in night-out consistency right on cue!
Break time. Brandon Roy bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Juicy intel: Brandon Roy turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Andrew Tate, this swiss-army-knife type, rises above and hammers a buzzer-beater!
Brandon Roy, this mammoth, makes it look like practice! Total domination!
Nate Thurmond shoots the free throw and hits the top of the backboard! Yikes!
This seasoned vet Brandon Roy rallies the crowd! A victory dance facing the rim! Deafening!
Deron Williams daps up the opponent! Respect from this name that's buzzing after the battle!
Brandon Roy gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Andrew Tate gives his shoes. Nate Thurmond gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. Tonight I learned Brandon Roy used to be a mixed martial arts fighter before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
97-101 (L)
This name that's buzzing Deron Williams catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Brandon Roy, this tree of a man, takes over from mid-range. A layup! That's elite!
Kobe Bryant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Andrew Tate can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the damn ball differently than the opponent's guard!
This respected competitor Deron Williams ties the game! What a comeback! Insane court vision at its peak!
Halftime whistle. Andrew Tate spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Did you know Andrew Tate once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Deron Williams, this name that's buzzing, air-balls in overtime! The crowd is stunned!
Deron Williams, this name that's buzzing, with the frustrated foul! Heavy feet in tough moments!
This guy everybody knows Andrew Tate flips the script! From struggle to dominance!
This player on the come-up Nate Thurmond gets the look but can't convert! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Deron Williams explodes past the media. This well-respected player not in the mood to talk.
Kobe Bryant refuses New York Over-Timers's handshake. Deron Williams offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
106-114 (L)
Deron Williams fires away into position! This next-level player not wasting any time!
An off-balance shot from Kobe Bryant hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Andrew Tate loses possession! The opponent's guard never leaves a mixed martial arts fighter's hands like that!
Kobe Bryant bites on the pump fake! This once-in-a-lifetime player sent flying back to the basket!
Andrew Tate, this guy everybody knows, absolutely nails a thunderous slam from the left corner! Take a bow!
Off to the locker room. Andrew Tate has already drained two water bottles. Little secret: Andrew Tate listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Nate Thurmond fades away the towel! This established player showing heavy feet!
Brandon Roy air-mails a pull-up jumper under the basket! Way off for this player on the come-up!
Andrew Tate with the decoy run! Diverting attention, classic mixed martial arts fighter misdirection!
Nate Thurmond is cramping up! This up-and-coming baller trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
Brandon Roy penetrates to the tunnel in disappointment. This seasoned vet will learn from this.
Nate Thurmond sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Deron Williams has his head in his hands. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Deron Williams. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-102 (L)
Andrew Tate huddles with the team! Huddling up, the mixed martial arts fighter strategizes!
Kobe Bryant misfires at the buzzer! This franchise cornerstone searching for answers!
Intercepted! Andrew Tate's pass snatched right out of the air! A mixed martial arts fighter would never be that careless!
This name that's buzzing Brandon Roy gives up the offensive rebound! Sometimes predictable game when boxing out!
A two-handed slam from Nate Thurmond back to the basket! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Players head to the locker room. Brandon Roy has tape on three fingers. Fun fact: Brandon Roy is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Deron Williams lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This dude putting the league on notice losing composure!
Deron Williams posts up but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Deron Williams is visibly tired! This guy with a proven track record needs a timeout badly!
Andrew Tate walks off in defeat! Even a mixed martial arts fighter's skills couldn't save tonight!
Andrew Tate lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Brandon Roy decides not to comment. I learned that Andrew Tate's father was a mixed martial arts fighter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
110-111 (L)
Brandon Roy, this colossus, announced to huge cheers! A crowd fully behind them!
Kobe Bryant with the smooth finger roll! This certified GOAT candidate making it look easy!
This player on the come-up Nate Thurmond bites on the fake! Beaten under the basket!
Andrew Tate posts up the Spalding but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Andrew Tate hits the three to tie! Clutch as a mixed martial arts fighter on deadline!
Cut! Halftime. Nate Thurmond's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. True story: Nate Thurmond had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Brandon Roy posts up into a dead end! Lack of consistency in late-game situations!
Deron Williams, this seasoned vet, refuses to high-five! Shaky emotions under pressure hurting the chemistry!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, makes a statement! This all-time great is here to stay!
Kobe Bryant throws it away with the game on the line! Tendency to force bad shots!
Brandon Roy reflects on what could have been. Heavy feet the difference tonight.
Brandon Roy unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Deron Williams runs a hand down his face. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
106-109 (L)
Andrew Tate wins the opening tip! Tipping off with mixed martial arts fighter energy!
Brandon Roy, this big fella, elevates for a monster hook shot!
This max-contract guy Andrew Tate picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
Nate Thurmond, this tree of a man, gets stuffed trying a reverse layup! Denied!
Andrew Tate brings them back from the brink! The mouth guard to the rescue!
Both teams head in. Kobe Bryant has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Little scoop: Kobe Bryant tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Brandon Roy, this colossus, rattles out the free throw! Tendency to force bad shots getting the best of this respected competitor!
This player on the come-up Brandon Roy shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
The duality of Andrew Tate: mixed martial arts fighter precision meets the basketball artistry!
Nate Thurmond, this towering presence, chokes on the big stage! On the decisive possession miss!
This guy with rings on every finger Kobe Bryant stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this guy with rings on every finger wanted.
Deron Williams sits on the floor in the hallway. Andrew Tate sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Deron Williams's name. Forgive me. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Kobe Bryant.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Kobe Bryant. Standing at 198 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Andrew Tate. The man. Is. A mixed martial arts fighter. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A mixed martial arts fighter. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got mouth guard and apparently, the technical motion of a mixed martial arts fighter and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 6W-9L record. Season MVP: Kobe Bryant.
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