My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Godzilla. The man. Is. An amateur. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An amateur. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of an amateur and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-124 (L)
Tip-off! Godzilla gets us started! Let's go!
This bonafide star Godzilla with a rare miss along the baseline! Even the best stumble!
Donald Trump throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Jesus Christ falls asleep on the weak side! Tendency to rush exposed!
Donald Trump drops the head after another miss! Occasional mental lapses sapping the confidence!
The locker room. Vladimir Putin sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Vladimir Putin is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Hot head!
Jesus Christ labors up the court! Trudging like a messiah dragging the game!
Jesus Christ loses the pill! A messiah would never be this careless!
This household name Jesus Christ shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
This basketball god Adolf Hitler stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this basketball god wanted.
Jesus Christ closes his eyes walking out. Adolf Hitler keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-101 (L)
Godzilla, this elite player, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
Jesus Christ can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a messiah always hits!
This headliner Godzilla with turnover number lengths ahead! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Donald Trump loses their assignment! Like losing their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
Donald Trump pours it in! A film producer who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
The players file out. Jesus Christ exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little scoop: Jesus Christ collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
This guy everybody knows Godzilla can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Jesus Christ misfires off the pick and roll! Their bare hands calibration needed!
Donald Trump uses the hesitation dribble! Next-level basketball IQ creating separation!
Donald Trump is gassed! More tired than after a full day of greenlighting the risky picture!
Despite the loss, Adolf Hitler held their own with the front line! The soldier fought!
Donald Trump hurls his water bottle at the wall. Godzilla flinches but doesn't react. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
111-100 (W)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Donald Trump catches the Wilson early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Donald Trump goes to work and scores! A two-handed slam! This smooth operator is a problem!
Donald Trump forces the shot-clock violation! A gym-rat work ethic on full display!
Adolf Hitler drops the dime! A soldier with court vision like that? Unreal!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ switches defensive assignments on the fly! Iron discipline!
Players head to the locker room. Donald Trump has tape on three fingers. Locker room intel: Donald Trump has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Godzilla catches fire! And it's a deep three! Next-level basketball IQ taking over!
A Finals-like atmosphere as Donald Trump nails a devastating dunk! The film producer delivers!
Adolf Hitler dives for the loose ball! Full send from this soldier!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler plays every possession like the last! Freakish explosiveness burning bright!
Vladimir Putin carries the team to victory! Strong as a stuntman on a Monday morning!
Godzilla jumps into Jesus Christ's arms without warning. They both go down. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
82-109 (L)
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, draws first blood! A finger roll to start!
Godzilla gets a clean look but injury-prone body costs the bucket!
Godzilla coughs up the Spalding! Injury-prone body strikes again at the top of the key!
This potential GOAT Donald Trump gives up the offensive rebound! Heavy feet when boxing out!
Godzilla, this multi-time All-Star, threads the needle for a pull-up jumper facing the rim!
Halftime! Godzilla is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know? Godzilla tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Vladimir Putin drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a stuntman's spirit has limits!
This franchise cornerstone Donald Trump misses the mark! A reverse layup goes begging in the paint!
Adolf Hitler communicates the switch! Clear as a soldier's instructions!
Donald Trump, this potential GOAT, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Adolf Hitler sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a soldier after their service rifle broke!
Donald Trump unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Vladimir Putin runs a hand down his face. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
101-110 (L)
Vladimir Putin, this miniature missile, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Godzilla air-mails a reverse layup under the basket! Way off for this top-tier talent!
Jesus Christ commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Adolf Hitler gets blown by! Even a soldier couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler knocks down a half-court heave driving to the hoop! Ice in the veins!
The players head to the locker room. Donald Trump is sweating like a racehorse. Little scoop: Donald Trump tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Vladimir Putin buries their face! Hidden from view, the stuntman can't watch!
Air ball from Adolf Hitler! Being a soldier doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Adolf Hitler counters the press! Problem solved, soldier style!
Adolf Hitler waves for a timeout! The soldier needs the front line break!
Jesus Christ walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to messiah life tomorrow!
Jesus Christ pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Donald Trump takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-124 (L)
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer-beater along the baseline!
Vladimir Putin with a wild attempt! This absolute legend not finding the range tonight!
Donald Trump trips up in beyond the arc! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Vladimir Putin scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, refuses to high-five! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! Jesus Christ has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Godzilla dunks the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this All-Star caliber talent!
Vladimir Putin drags their feet! Heavy as their crash mat at the end of a shift!
Vladimir Putin, this compact dynamo, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Vladimir Putin stares in disbelief! The look of a stuntman who just lost everything!
Adolf Hitler walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adolf Hitler's eyes are red, jaw tight. Jesus Christ apologizes to the coach, voice cracking. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
98-120 (L)
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced and the arena explodes! This living legend is in the building!
Vladimir Putin gets blocked! Rejected harder than a stuntman's worst day on the job!
Donald Trump throws it away! A pass worse than a film producer tossing the risky picture!
Adolf Hitler beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the front line slipping from a soldier!
Donald Trump, this solid build, uses every inch to deliver a thunderous slam!
Break time. Vladimir Putin bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Juicy anecdote: Vladimir Putin was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!
Vladimir Putin, this undersized dog, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Donald Trump goes to the post! That film producer strength is showing!
Vladimir Putin looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a stuntman relieved of their crash mat!
Adolf Hitler packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Vladimir Putin's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Adolf Hitler hides his eyes under a towel. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Vladimir Putin's name. Forgive me. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
80-110 (L)
Donald Trump checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
This first-ballot legend Vladimir Putin muscles up an alley-oop but can't get it to fall!
Adolf Hitler, this lightning-quick little man, fumbles the entry pass at half court!
Vladimir Putin caught flat-footed! Standing still, the stuntman reflexes took a nap!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, throws the hands up! Exasperated at the top of the key!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ spits into the trash can walking into the locker room. Little secret: Jesus Christ listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Vladimir Putin, this franchise cornerstone, with a contested bank shot that misses from downtown!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted from the right corner! The legs are gone!
Godzilla throws it away! Heavy feet under pressure back to the basket!
Vladimir Putin, this scrappy guard, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
Vladimir Putin fades away past the media. This guy with rings on every finger not in the mood to talk.
Godzilla sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jesus Christ has his head in his hands. I learned that Godzilla's father was a stuntman. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
83-127 (L)
Jesus Christ dishes onto the floor! The crowd roars for this basketball god!
Adolf Hitler, this global icon, with the shot-clock heave! No good from downtown!
Godzilla, this combo guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted facing the rim!
Adolf Hitler gets posted up and scored on! This generational talent overpowered!
Adolf Hitler can't mask the disappointment! This basketball god wearing it on the sleeve!
Break. Vladimir Putin asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Small detail: Vladimir Putin wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Jesus Christ attacks but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
This global icon Donald Trump can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla commits the offensive foul! Turnover off the pick and roll!
Donald Trump can't hide the frustration! Their loaded checkbook frustration meets the pill frustration!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ shakes hands and moves on. In the end, defense that's basically a suggestion proved costly.
Vladimir Putin mutters 'damn' under his breath. Adolf Hitler says 'yeah' in the same tone. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-133 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ comes out firing! A floater in the first minute!
Adolf Hitler drives the leather into nothing! Injury-prone body on full display tonight!
Adolf Hitler throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the soldier got too confident!
Jesus Christ bites on the fake! Fooled like a messiah by counterfeit the game!
Donald Trump slams the orange in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Halftime whistle! Adolf Hitler grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Intel: Adolf Hitler asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Adolf Hitler fires and misses from downtown. Should have stuck with the front line!
Jesus Christ slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
This elite player Godzilla gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Adolf Hitler is visibly upset! Upset as a soldier when the front line goes sideways!
Adolf Hitler reflects on what could have been. Lack of consistency the difference tonight.
Jesus Christ takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Godzilla follows the same path. Tonight I had a revelation: Godzilla runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
77-121 (L)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Donald Trump, this household name, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Vladimir Putin dribbles it off their foot! Their crash mat would never betray a stuntman like that!
Vladimir Putin, this small but mighty player, gets dunked on in the paint! Poster material!
This certified bucket Godzilla stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Adolf Hitler picks up the pace. Exclusive: Adolf Hitler was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Off the mark for Donald Trump! Great film producer, not so great at basketball tonight!
This max-contract guy Godzilla is a warrior but the body says no! The 48 regulation minutes of war!
Donald Trump, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Limited stamina in ball-handling!
This reliable star Godzilla slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Vladimir Putin leaves the hardwood quietly! Quiet as a stuntman after the daring stunt setback!
Vladimir Putin sits on the floor in the hallway. Adolf Hitler sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-129 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Donald Trump launches a finger roll and... Airball! Heavy feet at its peak!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the orange!
Vladimir Putin loses the battle in the paint! Being a stuntman doesn't help you here!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Halftime. Donald Trump's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Anecdote: Donald Trump threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
This global icon Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far in the paint!
Godzilla is gassed! This jersey-selling name bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Godzilla throws it into the stands! What was that from this guy everybody knows!
Godzilla mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
This big-name player Godzilla congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this big-name player.
Godzilla pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Vladimir Putin takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
83-127 (L)
This generational talent Adolf Hitler gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This franchise guy Godzilla shanks a bank shot from downtown! That's uncharacteristic!
Adolf Hitler double-dribbles! Defending the front line doesn't have that rule!
This guy with rings on every finger Adolf Hitler misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
This generational talent Vladimir Putin throws an elbow in frustration! Limited stamina on full display!
Back to the locker room. Adolf Hitler's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Small detail: Adolf Hitler wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
That one wasn't even close, Vladimir Putin! Stick to executing the daring stunt!
Adolf Hitler tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a soldier's energy for the front line!
This hall-of-fame lock Donald Trump dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Godzilla gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a gym-rat work ethic effort.
Jesus Christ walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Donald Trump speeds up. Wants it to be over. Evening confession: I'm wearing Jesus Christ's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
85-120 (L)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Donald Trump gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the film producer touch can't save that one!
Stolen from Donald Trump! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Adolf Hitler picks up the second technical! This global icon ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Halftime whistle. Vladimir Putin flops into the first available chair. Did you know? Vladimir Putin has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Godzilla, this versatile guy, can't get a bank shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Donald Trump dishes a step slower than usual! Lack of consistency in the tank!
Godzilla charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Limited stamina hurting the team!
Vladimir Putin takes the loss hard! Hard as the daring stunt on a bad stuntman day!
Godzilla lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Jesus Christ decides not to comment. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-119 (L)
Vladimir Putin rises up into position! This generational talent not wasting any time!
Brick! Godzilla misfires along the baseline! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Jesus Christ blows past the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this living legend!
Donald Trump can't stay in front! Greenlighting the risky picture doesn't build lateral quickness!
Godzilla posts up and kicks the stanchion! This guy everybody knows losing composure!
Halftime whistle. Donald Trump has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Little secret: Donald Trump listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Godzilla fires a double-clutch layup from way beyond the arc but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Donald Trump plays through exhaustion! The endurance of greenlighting the risky picture daily!
Adolf Hitler coughs it up! A soldier's grip doesn't work on the pill!
This established star Godzilla hangs the head after the miss! Deflated in the paint!
Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This multi-time All-Star left wanting.
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Adolf Hitler hides his eyes under a towel. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Godzilla. The man. Is. An amateur. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. An amateur. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of an amateur and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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