My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Miami Heart-Attack | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the woman who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Tsunade Senju. Just the name sends chills through the building. The woman is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This woman doesn't walk, she glides. She doesn't jump, she launches into orbit. And when she locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HER. "How do we stop her?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does she look tired?" Spoiler: she's never tired. And even when she looks tired, it's a trap. The woman fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on her, and every single page is absolutely useless. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Tsunade Senju. A doctor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a doctor, with their stethoscope, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Tsunade Senju has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the hidden ailment with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
89-134 (L)
The game begins and Nezuko Kamado is ready! You can see night-in night-out consistency written all over her face!
Tsunade Senju denied by the basket! Even a doctor can't pry it open!
This jersey-selling name Jeffrey Dahmer loses concentration and the pill with it!
This up-and-coming baller Tsunade Senju bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!
Tsunade Senju mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Both teams head to the locker room. Tsunade Senju wipes her forehead with her jersey. Rumor has it Tsunade Senju talks to her basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Tura Satana launches a reverse layup and... Airball! Defense that's basically a suggestion at its peak!
Tsunade Senju blows past sluggishly! Hot head catching up with this solid pro!
Nezuko Kamado with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Tsunade Senju throws their hands up! Like a doctor when their stethoscope breaks!
Tura Satana shakes hands through the pain! A movie actor who respects the script binder and the game!
Jeffrey Dahmer walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Tyrone Power speeds up. Wants it to be over. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-109 (L)
This jersey-selling name Jeffrey Dahmer gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Tura Satana misses at the buzzer! A movie actor who missed the deadline!
Tura Satana double-dribbles! Portraying the film character doesn't have that rule!
Jeffrey Dahmer fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a soldier chasing the front line!
Jeffrey Dahmer with the crafty reverse layup! A killer instinct on display!
Halftime whistle! Nezuko Kamado grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: Nezuko Kamado tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in her contract. Denied. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Tyrone Power, this certified bucket, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Brick! Tsunade Senju misfires at the buzzer! Shaky emotions under pressure at the worst time!
Nezuko Kamado dribbles the ball out of the trap! Silky smooth technique under pressure!
Nezuko Kamado spins a step slower than usual! Occasional mental lapses in the tank!
Tsunade Senju packs up and heads out! Packing their stethoscope, unpacking emotions!
Tyrone Power takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Tsunade Senju follows the same path. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-102 (L)
Tip-off! Jeffrey Dahmer gets us started! Let's go!
Tyrone Power drives but overcooks it! Injury-prone body showing up again!
Tyrone Power loses the damn ball! An officer would never be this careless!
Tura Satana, this combo guard, fouls unnecessarily off the pick and roll! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Jeffrey Dahmer scores at will! A fadeaway jumper from downtown! This established star domination!
Halftime! Tsunade Senju checks her stats on the board and winces. Physio's confession: Tsunade Senju purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Tsunade Senju argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to diagnosing the hidden ailment!
Tura Satana bricks another one! Building something awful with the script binder tonight!
Jeffrey Dahmer positions perfectly in the key! Placement of their service rifle on the front line!
Nezuko Kamado finds a second wind! The unknown engine roars back to life!
Despite the loss, Tyrone Power held their own with the field platoon! The officer fought!
Tura Satana hurls her mouthguard into the trash. Tsunade Senju keeps her in, chewing on the frustration. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
93-104 (L)
Tsunade Senju wins the opening tip! Tipping off with doctor energy!
Nezuko Kamado, this player nobody saw coming, comes up empty! A fadeaway jumper off target at the top of the key!
Tura Satana, this tweener, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
This bonafide star Tyrone Power picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Jeffrey Dahmer with a killer instinct finds the angle for a tear drop!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Tsunade Senju asks for an ice pack. Anecdote: Tsunade Senju lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Nezuko Kamado buries their face! Hidden from view, the unknown can't watch!
Nezuko Kamado, this newcomer, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Jeffrey Dahmer uses the hesitation dribble! A gym-rat work ethic creating separation!
Tsunade Senju struggles in the third quarter! The doctor hitting the wall with the hidden ailment!
This established star Tyrone Power leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Tura Satana rips off her headband and throws it on the ground. Tsunade Senju picks up her own and folds it carefully. I learned that Tura Satana's father was a movie actor. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
93-119 (L)
Tsunade Senju pulls up with energy from the opening whistle! This player on the come-up locked in!
Tyrone Power rattles in and out! The field platoon never teases an officer like that!
Turnover by Tura Satana! Portraying the film character requires less coordination, clearly!
Nezuko Kamado gets blown by! Even an unknown couldn't stop that!
Tsunade Senju catches fire! And it's an alley-oop! That dawg mentality taking over!
Break. Tsunade Senju's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Confession: Tsunade Senju believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Tura Satana slams the basketball in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Nezuko Kamado, this dude out of nowhere, fumbles the finish from the right corner! Back to the drawing board!
Jeffrey Dahmer creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, soldier-level thinking!
Jeffrey Dahmer calls for the sub! Even a soldier's stamina with their service rifle has limits!
Jeffrey Dahmer leaves the temple of basketball quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Tsunade Senju stares at her hands like she doesn't recognize them. Tyrone Power exhales. Again. And again. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-117 (L)
Tura Satana checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Tyrone Power bricks it! Not the same accuracy as leading the field platoon!
Tyrone Power dribbles into a trap! Sometimes predictable game when reading the defense!
Nezuko Kamado bites on the fake! Fooled like an unknown by counterfeit the game!
Nezuko Kamado slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an unknown hits the workbench!
Halftime whistle! Tura Satana grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Rumor has it Tura Satana tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
That one wasn't even close, Tura Satana! Stick to portraying the film character!
Tyrone Power pulls up but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
Tsunade Senju, this smooth operator, commits the travel! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the footwork!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Tyrone Power sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like an officer after their command saber broke!
Tura Satana watches the crowd file out in silence. Tyrone Power prefers not to look. I learned backstage that Tyrone Power also does movie actor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
102-110 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer looks dialed in from the start! Silky smooth technique preparation showing!
Jeffrey Dahmer launches and misses! The Wilson isn't the front line, and it shows!
Tura Satana rises up into a dead end under the basket! Turnover! Limited stamina!
Jeffrey Dahmer loses their assignment! Like losing their service rifle in the workshop!
Tsunade Senju scores the go-ahead! A doctor who always finishes the job on time!
Break. Jeffrey Dahmer asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Jeffrey Dahmer tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Tura Satana drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a movie actor's spirit has limits!
Tura Satana penetrates but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!
Tura Satana, this solid pro, orchestrates the delay game! Scary good handles in action!
Tura Satana takes the rest play! Even a movie actor needs a breather!
Tsunade Senju sits alone on the bench. This legit talent processing the defeat.
Tura Satana shakes Tsunade Senju's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-121 (L)
This dark horse Nezuko Kamado means business! Fast start back to the basket!
This top-tier talent Tyrone Power muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!
This world-class player Jeffrey Dahmer with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Nezuko Kamado beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from an unknown!
Jeffrey Dahmer shoots and kicks the stanchion! This jersey-selling name losing composure!
Intermission. Tyrone Power dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Word is Tyrone Power sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Jeffrey Dahmer shoots an air ball in a Playoff atmosphere! A soldier lost in the noise!
Nezuko Kamado is running on pure willpower! This potential breakout star refusing to quit!
Stolen from Nezuko Kamado! An unknown who let it slip through their fingers!
Jeffrey Dahmer shakes their head! A soldier who can't believe that just happened!
Tura Satana gave it everything! Everything a movie actor has, left on the court!
Tyrone Power sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Jeffrey Dahmer has his head in his hands. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-125 (L)
Jeffrey Dahmer takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Tura Satana fires and misses at half court. Should have stuck with the film character!
Tsunade Senju forces the pass! Forcing their stethoscope where it doesn't fit!
Tsunade Senju scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Hot head!
This potential breakout star Nezuko Kamado stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Break! Tyrone Power rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Confession: Tyrone Power calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Tyrone Power rattles it out! Shaking the hardwood with their command saber intensity!
Nezuko Kamado bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like an unknown after their bare hands overtime!
This league veteran Tsunade Senju forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Tyrone Power storms to the bench! Heated! This officer doesn't handle losing well!
Nezuko Kamado walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to unknown life tomorrow!
Tyrone Power walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Tura Satana drags one foot after the other. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-110 (L)
Tsunade Senju, this league veteran, draws first blood! A deep three to start!
Tura Satana, this guy with a proven track record, sends the ball wide! The touch is off tonight!
Tyrone Power rises up the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy everybody knows!
Nezuko Kamado gets screened out of the play! This hidden prospect lost in traffic!
Nezuko Kamado, this surprise package, knifes through for a reverse layup from the right corner! Wow!
Players head to the locker room. Jeffrey Dahmer has tape on three fingers. True story: Jeffrey Dahmer had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Tura Satana tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the movie actor will bounce back!
Tura Satana with a wild attempt! This solid pro not finding the range tonight!
This dude putting the league on notice Tura Satana recognizes the over-help and punishes it!
Tyrone Power short-arms the shot from fatigue! This elite player has nothing left!
This big-name player Tyrone Power stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this big-name player wanted.
Tura Satana stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Jeffrey Dahmer comes back to get her. Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer practices movie actor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
80-124 (L)
This dude putting the league on notice Tura Satana in the starting lineup! Let's see what this dude putting the league on notice brings!
Tyrone Power can't find the range! Their command saber has better accuracy than that!
Tsunade Senju with a wild pass that sails out! This name that's buzzing giving it away!
Tyrone Power gives up the back door! Shaky emotions under pressure when overplaying!
Tura Satana walks away muttering! Muttering about the film character under their breath!
Rest time. Tsunade Senju isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Bus driver's confession: Tsunade Senju raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Tsunade Senju fires a buzzer beater at the top of the key but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Jeffrey Dahmer is gassed! More tired than after a full day of defending the front line!
Tsunade Senju trips up in the low post! A doctor never trips at work... Right?
Tura Satana, this up-and-coming baller, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Tura Satana, this next-level player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Tura Satana punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. Tsunade Senju slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-103 (L)
Tura Satana steps onto the field house! From portraying the film character to this, game time!
Tura Satana clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the script binder hitting the film character!
Nezuko Kamado throws it away! A pass worse than an unknown tossing the game!
Nezuko Kamado left in the dust! Even an unknown moves faster than that!
Tura Satana drains a bank shot off the pick and roll! Textbook a killer instinct!
The locker room. Nezuko Kamado sprawls out full-length on the bench. Intel: Nezuko Kamado asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Tsunade Senju stares in disbelief! The look of a doctor who just lost everything!
Tura Satana can't buy a bucket! Maybe the film character would be easier to aim!
Jeffrey Dahmer adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the soldier approach!
Tura Satana grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than the script binder in the workshop!
Jeffrey Dahmer absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a soldier knows tough days!
Tura Satana kicks her towel across the floor. Tyrone Power has already left for the locker room, alone. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
95-98 (L)
Nezuko Kamado takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this hungry young player!
Nezuko Kamado, this unknown gem, threads the needle for a layup in the paint!
This established player Tura Satana fouls reaching in! Ego the size of Texas on defense!
Jeffrey Dahmer throws up a clunker! Their service rifle would weep at that trajectory!
Tura Satana turns a sold-out gym on fire into a frenzy! Like deadline day for a movie actor!
Halftime! Jeffrey Dahmer is limping slightly heading off the court. Intel: Jeffrey Dahmer once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Nezuko Kamado, this little firecracker, gets blocked in the clutch! A brilliant anticipation denies this dude out of nowhere!
Tsunade Senju can't hide the frustration! Their stethoscope frustration meets the Spalding frustration!
Tyrone Power brings the field platoon wisdom to the field house tactics!
Jeffrey Dahmer, this all-around player, forces a bad shot in the extra period! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Tsunade Senju walks off in silence. This guy with a proven track record gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Tsunade Senju sits on the floor in the hallway. Tyrone Power sits down next to her. Nobody speaks. I learned backstage that Tyrone Power also does movie actor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
81-125 (L)
Nezuko Kamado rises up into position! This hungry young player not wasting any time!
Nezuko Kamado gets blocked! Rejected harder than an unknown's worst day on the job!
Nezuko Kamado with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost unknown!
Tyrone Power watches helplessly! An officer watching the field platoon fall off the shelf!
Nezuko Kamado, this lightning-quick little man, shows negative body language! Lack of consistency creeping in!
End of the second quarter. Tura Satana is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Did you know? Tura Satana launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This well-respected player Tura Satana rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!
Tyrone Power cramps up! Muscles tight from their command saber and the orange double duty!
Intercepted! Nezuko Kamado's pass snatched right out of the air! An unknown would never be that careless!
Jeffrey Dahmer looks to the heavens! A soldier praying for their service rifle to work!
Tyrone Power takes the loss hard! Hard as the field platoon on a bad officer day!
Tsunade Senju's lip is trembling. Jeffrey Dahmer dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-132 (L)
Tura Satana comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the movie actor means business!
Tyrone Power misses the layup! Even the field platoon would have gone in easier!
Jeffrey Dahmer throws it away! Defense that's basically a suggestion under pressure on the low block!
Tyrone Power gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the field platoon on a rough day!
Nezuko Kamado pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The unknown in them is showing!
The players head in. Jeffrey Dahmer slips on the wet tunnel floor. Small detail: Jeffrey Dahmer whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jeffrey Dahmer, this combo guard, gets the separation but can't finish! Limited stamina!
Tsunade Senju tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a doctor's energy for the hidden ailment!
This solid pro Tura Satana dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Nezuko Kamado vents at their teammates! The unknown who vents about the game!
Jeffrey Dahmer vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their service rifle reinforced with the front line!
Jeffrey Dahmer closes his eyes walking out. Tyrone Power keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Tsunade Senju.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
Now let's talk about the woman who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Tsunade Senju. Just the name sends chills through the building. The woman is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This woman doesn't walk, she glides. She doesn't jump, she launches into orbit. And when she locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HER. "How do we stop her?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does she look tired?" Spoiler: she's never tired. And even when she looks tired, it's a trap. The woman fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on her, and every single page is absolutely useless.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Tsunade Senju. A doctor. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a doctor, with their stethoscope, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Tsunade Senju has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the hidden ailment with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Tsunade Senju.
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