My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Kevin Hart is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 165 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Kanye West is on this team. Kanye West, who is a rapper and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their hot mic under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
This guy everybody knows Kevin Hart in the starting lineup! Let's see what this guy everybody knows brings!
Rome Flynn can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the concert set, a musician always hits!
Kanye West dribbles it off their foot! Their hot mic would never betray a rapper like that!
Richard Kiel beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the risky picture slipping from a film producer!
This generational talent Barack Obama can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Halftime. The doctor examines Barack Obama's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know? Barack Obama launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Richard Kiel forces up a double-clutch layup over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
Kanye West plays through exhaustion! The endurance of spitting the fiery bars daily!
Kevin Hart botches the handoff! Even their loaded checkbook exchanges go smoother!
Kanye West, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
This absolute legend Kanye West shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.
Richard Kiel replays the score in his head on a loop. Kevin Hart tries to think about something else. I got a text from Richard Kiel after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
100-91 (W)
Kevin Hart steps onto the court! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Kanye West penetrates the leather with flair and hits a pull-up jumper! Sensational!
Barack Obama with the weak-side block! Appearing from nowhere like a community organizer finding the neighborhood!
Barack Obama finds the open teammate! Vision of a community organizer spotting the neighborhood!
Rome Flynn manages the clock! Time management of a musician who never misses a deadline!
Halftime! Rome Flynn is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Rome Flynn plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Kevin Hart drains a bucket driving to the hoop! Textbook freakish explosiveness!
The halftime tribute to Kevin Hart's film producer journey! The risky picture to a layup!
Richard Kiel sacrifices for the team! Selfless play from this film producer!
Rome Flynn pulls up through pain, through doubt! This potential breakout star transcending!
Kevin Hart punches the air at game's end! Victory! The film producer did it!
Richard Kiel mimes popping a champagne bottle. Barack Obama mimes chugging straight from it. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
95-99 (L)
This big-name player Kevin Hart gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kevin Hart with the highlight-reel alley-oop! This reliable star owning the moment!
Kanye West can't contain the drive! Spitting the fiery bars is more containable!
Richard Kiel shoots an air ball in a boiling cauldron! A film producer lost in the noise!
This generational talent Kanye West with back-to-back buckets! The lead is crumbling!
Halftime. Richard Kiel glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: Richard Kiel logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Kanye West fails to box out! Lost the position, back to rapper school!
Barack Obama storms to the bench! Heated! This community organizer doesn't handle losing well!
Kanye West, this hall-of-fame lock, answers every challenge! Scary good handles never fading!
This certified bucket Kevin Hart fouls in the clutch! Tendency to force bad shots showing late!
Rome Flynn, this do-it-all player, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Richard Kiel snaps at the bench on his way out. Barack Obama says nothing, but his look says everything. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-133 (L)
Kevin Hart takes the court to an electric crowd! The film producer with their loaded checkbook is here!
Richard Kiel launches from deep and misses! A film producer's range doesn't apply here!
Rome Flynn, this combo guard, commits the travel! Limited stamina in the footwork!
Richard Kiel gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Richard Kiel sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a film producer after a long shift!
Halftime. Richard Kiel's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Word is Richard Kiel sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Kevin Hart misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the risky picture!
Kanye West gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a rapper begging the fiery bars for mercy!
Richard Kiel loses the pill! A film producer would never be this careless!
Richard Kiel kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
Barack Obama walks off in silence. This franchise cornerstone gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Barack Obama pulls his cap down over his eyes. Richard Kiel doesn't have a cap, and it shows. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-113 (L)
This diamond in the rough Rome Flynn means business! Fast start in the paint!
Kanye West explodes the damn ball into nothing! Occasional mental lapses on full display tonight!
Kanye West crosses over the basketball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this household name!
Kanye West gets crossed over! This guy with rings on every finger left frozen along the baseline!
Kanye West attacks to the rack for a floater! Can't contain this do-it-all player!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kevin Hart asks for an ice pack. Locker room intel: Kevin Hart has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Kanye West argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to spitting the fiery bars!
Rome Flynn dribbles but the shot rims out! Occasional mental lapses rears its ugly head!
This big-name player Richard Kiel recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Kevin Hart calls for the sub! Even a film producer's stamina with their loaded checkbook has limits!
This world-class player Richard Kiel stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this world-class player wanted.
Kanye West walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Barack Obama speeds up. Wants it to be over. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-122 (L)
Richard Kiel, this tower, announced to huge cheers! An incredible energy!
Kanye West rattles it out! Shaking the venue with their hot mic intensity!
Rome Flynn throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the musician got too confident!
Kevin Hart can't stay in front! Greenlighting the risky picture doesn't build lateral quickness!
Richard Kiel stares in disbelief! The look of a film producer who just lost everything!
Back in the locker room, Kanye West sits down and stares at the ceiling. Anecdote: Kanye West lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Rome Flynn steps back the damn ball right into the defender's hands! Lack of consistency!
Kanye West, this all-time great, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Barack Obama coughs it up! A community organizer's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Barack Obama mutters to himself walking back! This all-time great fighting inner demons!
Kevin Hart launches past the media. This franchise guy not in the mood to talk.
Kevin Hart mutters 'damn' under his breath. Kanye West says 'yeah' in the same tone. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-128 (L)
Richard Kiel announces themselves! The film producer has arrived and the building knows it!
Barack Obama takes off but it's well off! Hot head under fatigue!
This potential GOAT Kanye West loses concentration and the basketball with it!
Richard Kiel left in the dust! Even a film producer moves faster than that!
Kevin Hart mouths off and picks up a T! Hot head taking over!
The players head to the locker room. Rome Flynn is sweating like a racehorse. Physio's confession: Rome Flynn purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Rome Flynn misses from the corner! In transition is no place for their instrument case!
Kanye West blows past but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!
This absolute legend Barack Obama forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Kanye West, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Occasional mental lapses written all over his face!
Rome Flynn wipes a tear! A musician who poured everything into the effort!
Rome Flynn stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Kevin Hart exhales. Again. And again. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-115 (L)
Rome Flynn starts in the elite shooter! Playing the elite shooter the way a musician plays with their instrument case!
Kevin Hart misses the layup! Even the risky picture would have gone in easier!
Kanye West charges right into the defender! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion when controlling pace!
Barack Obama overcommits and gets beat! Injury-prone body when reading the play!
Rome Flynn scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the musician knows geometry!
That's a cut. Richard Kiel stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Anecdote: Richard Kiel once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Rome Flynn slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a musician hits the workbench!
Kanye West sends it wide! Their hot mic wouldn't forgive that either!
Barack Obama finds the angle! The angle community organizer uses for the neighborhood!
Kanye West, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Rome Flynn, this solid build, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort.
Kevin Hart whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Barack Obama nods without conviction. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
85-119 (L)
Kanye West, this all-around player, takes the court! The wild stands is electric!
Barack Obama steps back the damn ball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this generational talent!
This potential GOAT Kanye West commits the offensive foul! Turnover from way beyond the arc!
This potential GOAT Kanye West misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Richard Kiel throws their hands up! Like a film producer when their loaded checkbook breaks!
Halftime. Kevin Hart's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. True story: Kevin Hart had his parking spot stolen by Houston Blast-Off's mascot. Still talks about it. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Rome Flynn launches and misses! The rock isn't the concert set, and it shows!
Kevin Hart grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a film producer finishing the risky picture!
Rome Flynn with a wild pass that sails out! This newcomer giving it away!
Kanye West drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
Kanye West gave it everything! Everything a rapper has, left on the court!
Rome Flynn kicks his towel across the floor. Richard Kiel has already left for the locker room, alone. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
84-119 (L)
Rome Flynn checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Richard Kiel misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
Barack Obama with the careless pass! Rallying the neighborhood with more care, please!
Richard Kiel, this oversized freak, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over shaky emotions under pressure!
Kevin Hart shakes their head! A film producer who can't believe that just happened!
Players head to the locker room. Kevin Hart has tape on three fingers. Exclusive info: Kevin Hart is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
Air ball from Barack Obama! Being a community organizer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
This total unknown Rome Flynn can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This hidden prospect Rome Flynn dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Kanye West picks up the second technical! This generational talent ejected! Lack of consistency!
Rome Flynn consoles teammates! The heart of a musician in that moment!
Richard Kiel mutters while walking out. Barack Obama watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Richard Kiel's name. Forgive me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-122 (L)
Kanye West comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the rapper means business!
Richard Kiel can't hit from beyond the arc! That zone is cursed for this film producer!
Richard Kiel, this 7-footer, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Barack Obama lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
This all-time great Kanye West gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Halftime. Richard Kiel's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little secret: Richard Kiel listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
That one wasn't even close, Kevin Hart! Stick to greenlighting the risky picture!
Kanye West is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a rapper would call it quits!
Rome Flynn with the backcourt violation! This raw talent under too much pressure!
Rome Flynn glares at the scoreboard! This total unknown not happy with the situation!
Richard Kiel fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the film producer gave everything!
Barack Obama's complexion is grey. Kanye West's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
88-132 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Kevin Hart comes out firing! A buzzer beater in the first minute!
Kevin Hart misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their loaded checkbook at the risky picture!
Rome Flynn throws it into the stands! What was that from this hidden prospect!
Richard Kiel loses their assignment! Like losing their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
This All-Star caliber talent Richard Kiel throws an elbow in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Break. Barack Obama's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. Little secret: Barack Obama has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Barack Obama misses at late in the quarter! A community organizer dropping the neighborhood at the worst time!
Kanye West waves for a timeout! The rapper needs the fiery bars break!
Rome Flynn, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the rock!
This first-ballot legend Kanye West hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from downtown!
Richard Kiel vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their loaded checkbook reinforced with the risky picture!
Rome Flynn is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Richard Kiel waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
80-122 (L)
Rome Flynn sets the tone early! The musician came to play tonight!
Barack Obama gets a clean look but heavy feet costs the bucket!
Rome Flynn with the backcourt violation! A musician going backwards with the concert set!
Kevin Hart turns the head and loses the man! This max-contract guy napping defensively!
Kanye West, this guy with rings on every finger, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. The doctor examines Kevin Hart's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Kevin Hart has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Kevin Hart clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their loaded checkbook hitting the risky picture!
Kanye West tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a rapper's energy for the fiery bars!
Kanye West gets picked! A rapper getting the fiery bars stolen in broad daylight!
Kanye West glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this rapper!
Richard Kiel tips the cap to the winners! The film producer's grace with the risky picture!
Richard Kiel pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Kanye West takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I learned tonight that Richard Kiel used to be a film producer. That explains the unique running style. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
Richard Kiel wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Rome Flynn, this tweener, gets the look from downtown but the lid's on the rim!
Kanye West turns it over in the three-point line! Butterfingers from this rapper!
Richard Kiel gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the risky picture on a rough day!
Richard Kiel buries their face! Hidden from view, the film producer can't watch!
Break! Barack Obama rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Small detail: Barack Obama wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Richard Kiel whiffs on the jumper! A film producer off their game with their loaded checkbook!
Barack Obama is cramping up! This once-in-a-lifetime player trying to shake it off! Limited stamina!
Rome Flynn with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the concert set!
This franchise cornerstone Kanye West stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Kevin Hart sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a film producer after their loaded checkbook broke!
Richard Kiel walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Rome Flynn speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-129 (L)
The hardwood welcomes Rome Flynn! The musician with the concert set has arrived!
Kevin Hart, this pint-sized baller, bobbles the Wilson and the chance evaporates back to the basket!
Stolen from Barack Obama! A community organizer who let it slip through their fingers!
Rome Flynn gets blown by! Even a musician couldn't stop that!
Kanye West, this swiss-army-knife type, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!
The players head to the locker room. Kanye West is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Kanye West threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
The rim rejects Barack Obama! The rim says no! Even a community organizer gets rejected sometimes!
Rome Flynn asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy nobody was talking about needs air!
This global icon Barack Obama gets pickpocketed off the pick and roll! Sloppy handling!
This household name Kanye West shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Kevin Hart leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a film producer after the risky picture setback!
Kevin Hart pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Barack Obama takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. I got a text from Kevin Hart after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kevin Hart.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Kevin Hart is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 165 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Kanye West is on this team. Kanye West, who is a rapper and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with their hot mic under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Kevin Hart.
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