My dream starting five ā basketball_team šŗšø
5 members Ā· TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | My Team | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | New York Over-Timers | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Luka DonÄiÄ. Standing at 201 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jeff Bezos. The man. Is. A computer scientist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A computer scientist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their algorithm board and apparently, the technical motion of a computer scientist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 ā vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
Ted Bundy opens with a buzzer-beater! This first-ballot legend making an early statement!
Luka DonÄiÄ misfires in the paint! This elite player searching for answers!
Jeff Bezos with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the impossible problem!
Giannis Antetokounmpo reacts too late to rotate! Injury-prone body on the help side!
Ted Bundy, this potential GOAT, barks at the teammate! Limited stamina taking over!
Break! Ted Bundy rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Did you know? Ted Bundy has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this established star, pulls the trigger in transition but no luck!
Luka DonÄiÄ, this tree of a man, with tired legs under the basket! Tendency to rush slowing this max-contract guy down!
This max-contract guy Giannis Antetokounmpo loses concentration and the Spalding with it!
Luka DonÄiÄ, this max-contract guy, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Jeff Bezos, this basketball god, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Ted Bundy presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Luka DonÄiÄ walks right past without noticing. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 2 ā vs Miami Heart-Attack
113-110 (W)
Giannis Antetokounmpo takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
This global icon Kobe Bryant takes the charge at the top of the key! Gutsy play!
Giannis Antetokounmpo rushes a fadeaway jumper off the pick and roll! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
Luka DonÄiÄ goes coast to coast for a scoop layup! This certified bucket is relentless!
Ted Bundy triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with serial killer urgency!
Break. Kobe Bryant asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. True story: Kobe Bryant walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Miami Heart-Attack. Awkward. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Jeff Bezos with the defensive stand! Standing firm with their algorithm board resolve!
Kobe Bryant digs in defensively! Silky smooth technique when the team needs stops!
Luka DonÄiÄ, this franchise guy, feeds off every decibel! A packed arena is fuel!
Jeff Bezos ties it up! Evening things out with computer scientist composure!
Jeff Bezos reflects on the game! The thoughtful reflection of a computer scientist after a big day!
Jeff Bezos and Luka DonÄiÄ carry Giannis Antetokounmpo like a trophy across the entire court. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 3 ā vs Orlando Magic-Beans
126-81 (W)
Luka DonÄiÄ, this tree of a man, sets the tone immediately! Iron discipline from the jump!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this tower, takes over in transition. A layup! That's elite!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this bonafide star, sets the table at the top of the key! Assist master!
This big-name player Giannis Antetokounmpo with a picture-perfect double-clutch layup! The crowd goes wild!
Kobe Bryant pressures the inbound! This generational talent with relentless nerves of steel!
Rest. Kobe Bryant buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Did you know Kobe Bryant entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Kobe Bryant, this potential GOAT, operates from way beyond the arc with an off-balance shot! Clinic!
Luka DonÄiÄ, this All-Star caliber talent, with the dagger and then some! An alley-oop!
Giannis Antetokounmpo fires away with the wrong hand! Ambidextrous experiment by this max-contract guy!
Giannis Antetokounmpo throws the finger guns at the crowd! A bench mob celebration after a catch-and-shoot triple!
This living legend Kobe Bryant secures the win with freakish explosiveness! Another one in the bag!
Luka DonÄiÄ pretends to faint from happiness. Kobe Bryant pretends to call 911. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 4 ā vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
95-100 (L)
And we're underway! Giannis Antetokounmpo touches the pill first! This jersey-selling name looks eager!
This household name Jeff Bezos misses the mark! A bucket goes begging in transition!
Luka DonÄiÄ lets fly the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this reliable star!
Kobe Bryant gets posted up and scored on! This potential GOAT overpowered!
Kobe Bryant steps back the damn ball beautifully for a free throw! What touch!
The players leave the court. Luka DonÄiÄ clings to the tunnel railing. Rumor has it Luka DonÄiÄ does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Luka DonÄiÄ goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This reliable star losing composure!
Kobe Bryant, this mountain of a man, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this all-time great!
Kobe Bryant makes the hockey pass! Insane court vision finding the extra pass!
Ted Bundy is running on fumes! The serial killer tank is completely empty!
Ted Bundy sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a serial killer after their chilling method broke!
Ted Bundy stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Luka DonÄiÄ exhales. Again. And again. I learned that Ted Bundy's father was a computer scientist. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 5 ā vs Phoenix No-Defense
106-92 (W)
This guy everybody knows Giannis Antetokounmpo means business! Fast start along the baseline!
Jeff Bezos crosses over and converts! A buzzer-beater at the top of the key! Money!
This bonafide star Luka DonÄiÄ disrupts the play with a timely defensive stop!
Kobe Bryant with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! An unmatched feel for the game on that one!
Jeff Bezos uses their size out there! The computer scientist has a built-in advantage!
The players file out. Kobe Bryant exchanges a tense look with the coach. Little secret: Kobe Bryant watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this big-name player, knifes through for a deep three on the low block! Wow!
What an immense pressure! Kobe Bryant and the fans creating a spectacle!
Kobe Bryant, this global icon, rotates on defense! Iron discipline team commitment!
Ted Bundy penetrates with elegance and power! This generational talent is the complete package!
Luka DonÄiÄ, this established star, high-fives the bench! A salute to the fans! Team effort!
Ted Bundy and Giannis Antetokounmpo pretend to fish Kobe Bryant out of the crowd. They pull hard. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 6 ā vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
101-91 (W)
Luka DonÄiÄ attacks into position! This top-tier talent not wasting any time!
A catch-and-shoot triple from Jeff Bezos! This first-ballot legend is putting on a show tonight!
Ted Bundy times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A crucial offensive board in transition!
Ted Bundy creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
Luka DonÄiÄ sets the screen at the perfect angle! This franchise guy cerebral play!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Jeff Bezos walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Jeff Bezos threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Kobe Bryant buries a sky hook facing the rim! This certified GOAT candidate is on fire tonight!
The energy in this building is unreal! Giannis Antetokounmpo channeling a cathedral silence!
Jeff Bezos syncs with the lineup! In sync like their algorithm board and the impossible problem!
Ted Bundy is inevitable tonight! This undisputed superstar can't be stopped!
Luka DonÄiÄ sits on the bench with a smile! This top-tier talent job well done!
Luka DonÄiÄ pretends to plant a flag at center court. Kobe Bryant stands at attention. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 7 ā vs Toronto Border-Patrol
99-100 (L)
Ted Bundy bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Luka DonÄiÄ lets fly the damn ball with purpose! A deep three! This certified bucket means business!
Jeff Bezos, this swiss-army-knife type, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!
Giannis Antetokounmpo gets a clean look but tendency to force bad shots costs the bucket!
Ted Bundy steals and scores! This once-in-a-lifetime player cutting the gap along the baseline!
Well-deserved break. Kobe Bryant looks like someone who just ran a marathon. They say Kobe Bryant has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Kobe Bryant misfires on the potential dagger! This franchise cornerstone lets them off the hook!
Kobe Bryant, this guy with rings on every finger, with the frustrated foul! Sometimes predictable game in tough moments!
Kobe Bryant is writing the story tonight! This all-time great with a layup driving to the hoop!
Luka DonÄiÄ with the ill-advised pass in the first half! Intercepted!
Kobe Bryant reflects on what could have been. Occasional mental lapses the difference tonight.
Luka DonÄiÄ's lip is trembling. Jeff Bezos dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Tonight I had a revelation: Jeff Bezos runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 8 ā vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
123-95 (W)
Jeff Bezos takes the court to immense pressure! The computer scientist with their algorithm board is here!
A fadeaway jumper from Ted Bundy back to the basket! That's a statement right there!
Jeff Bezos a crucial offensive board and starts the fast break! Defense wins championships!
Giannis Antetokounmpo lets fly into the lane and kicks out! Scary good handles and great decision-making!
Jeff Bezos uses a relentless run and gun brilliantly! Strategy from solving the impossible problem!
Off to the locker room. Kobe Bryant has already drained two water bottles. Word is Kobe Bryant sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
This established star Giannis Antetokounmpo with a cold-blooded floater! No conscience!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jeff Bezos has the arena rocking! A cathedral silence off the charts!
This basketball god Kobe Bryant unites the locker room! Scary good handles captain's mentality!
This will be talked about for years! Kobe Bryant with a half-court heave! Iconic!
Kobe Bryant tosses the Wilson in the air! A chest bump! This first-ballot legend mission accomplished!
Luka DonÄiÄ and Ted Bundy do celebratory push-ups. Giannis Antetokounmpo counts out loud. Definitely cheating. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 9 ā vs Houston Blast-Off
119-89 (W)
This top-tier talent Giannis Antetokounmpo comes out aggressive! Opens with a finger roll off the pick and roll!
Kobe Bryant, this basketball god, unleashes a layup facing the rim! Bang!
This basketball god Jeff Bezos comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
Ted Bundy dishes a beautiful pass! Special delivery from this serial killer!
Jeff Bezos, this household name, orchestrates the delay game! Insane court vision in action!
That's a wrap for now. Ted Bundy dives into the tunnel. Did you know Ted Bundy keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Ted Bundy catches fire! And it's an alley-oop! Silky smooth technique taking over!
Luka DonÄiÄ in a Finals-like atmosphere! This franchise guy has been waiting for this stage!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kobe Bryant swings the Spalding around! Unreal swagger ball movement!
Ted Bundy, this short king, evolves before our eyes! A highlight-reel play!
This multi-time All-Star Luka DonÄiÄ wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Luka DonÄiÄ improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Jeff Bezos plays the imaginary violin. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 10 ā vs Denver Horse-Track
95-117 (L)
Tip-off! Kobe Bryant gets us started! Let's go!
Off the mark for Ted Bundy! Great serial killer, not so great at basketball tonight!
Jeff Bezos commits the live-ball turnover! Their algorithm board would be ashamed!
Ted Bundy left in the dust! Even a serial killer moves faster than that!
Giannis Antetokounmpo strings together a step-back three driving to the hoop. Scary good handles on full display!
Halftime. Jeff Bezos throws his towel on the floor walking in. Rumor has it Jeff Bezos talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This all-time great Kobe Bryant hangs the head after the miss! Deflated along the baseline!
This franchise cornerstone Kobe Bryant whiffs on a tear drop! The crowd groans!
Jeff Bezos, this combo guard, sets a brick-wall screen! An off-the-charts basketball IQ on full display!
Jeff Bezos is clearly fatigued! The four quarters of this plus the four quarters of solving the impossible problem!
Jeff Bezos, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite eyes in the back of the head effort.
Jeff Bezos turns back to look at the court one last time. Ted Bundy doesn't turn around. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 11 ā vs New York Over-Timers
115-102 (W)
Kobe Bryant shoots onto the floor! The crowd roars for this global icon!
Jeff Bezos with an and-one off the screen! Read that play like a textbook!
This reliable star Giannis Antetokounmpo reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Giannis Antetokounmpo crosses over the pill through traffic! What a pass by this franchise guy!
Ted Bundy dunks to the right spot! Natural-born leadership off-ball movement!
End of the first act. Kobe Bryant is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Anecdote: Kobe Bryant lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Giannis Antetokounmpo spins through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
An incredible energy as Ted Bundy warms up with some serial killer moves!
This reliable star Luka DonÄiÄ runs the ball patiently! Searching for the perfect shot!
Ted Bundy's serial killer colleagues watch from the stands, the unsuspecting prey banners held high!
This global icon Kobe Bryant seals the deal! Victory with an off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Jeff Bezos and Ted Bundy pretend to fish Kobe Bryant out of the crowd. They pull hard. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Kobe Bryant. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 12 ā vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
107-98 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this towering presence, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Ted Bundy with the step-back deep three! Creating space like a serial killer with their chilling method!
Luka DonÄiÄ shuts the door under the basket! That's how you play defense!
Jeff Bezos sets up the easy score! Easy as a computer scientist setting up their algorithm board!
Giannis Antetokounmpo, this absolute unit, exploits the mismatch on the low block! Smart play!
Break! Kobe Bryant takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Intel: Kobe Bryant asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This big-name player Giannis Antetokounmpo does it again! A reverse layup with effortless precision!
Deafening noise! Giannis Antetokounmpo crosses over and the building shakes!
Luka DonÄiÄ brings energy off the bench! This top-tier talent infectious enthusiasm!
Luka DonÄiÄ dunks with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Kobe Bryant can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Giannis Antetokounmpo and Kobe Bryant run circles around Jeff Bezos who doesn't move. Zen. I learned backstage that Kobe Bryant also does computer scientist on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 ā vs Boston Ring-Chasers
87-106 (L)
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant in the starting lineup! Let's see what this potential GOAT brings!
Giannis Antetokounmpo fades away the leather right into the defender's hands! Tendency to force bad shots!
Kobe Bryant, this giant, steps out of bounds with the damn ball! Mental lapse!
This multi-time All-Star Giannis Antetokounmpo can't recover! Scored on in the paint! Occasional mental lapses!
Ted Bundy knocks down a bucket from downtown! Ice in the veins!
Halftime! Giannis Antetokounmpo looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Little secret: Giannis Antetokounmpo has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Kobe Bryant lets fly angrily after the turnover! This living legend spiraling!
Jeff Bezos, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild step-back three!
Ted Bundy exploits the soft spot in the left wing! Soft as the unsuspecting prey under their chilling method!
Ted Bundy is gassed! This generational talent bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!
This All-Star caliber talent Luka DonÄiÄ leaves the palace of hoops with head held high. Fought to the end.
Giannis Antetokounmpo replays the score in his head on a loop. Luka DonÄiÄ tries to think about something else. Behind the scenes, I learned Luka DonÄiÄ was also a computer scientist in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 ā vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-119 (L)
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant catches the leather early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
This global icon Jeff Bezos rattles it out! So close yet so far under the basket!
Turnover by Ted Bundy! Stalking the unsuspecting prey requires less coordination, clearly!
Jeff Bezos gets blown by! Even a computer scientist couldn't stop that!
Ted Bundy tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the serial killer will bounce back!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Giannis Antetokounmpo walks head down toward the tunnel. Little secret: Giannis Antetokounmpo listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
Jeff Bezos misses the free throw! Solving the impossible problem under pressure is easier!
Jeff Bezos asks for the ball to slow the pace! This basketball god needs air!
Ted Bundy turns it over in the top of the key! Butterfingers from this serial killer!
Kobe Bryant explodes away from the huddle! This certified GOAT candidate in a dark place mentally!
Luka DonÄiÄ walks off in silence. This top-tier talent gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Luka DonÄiÄ scratches the back of his neck nervously. Jeff Bezos has the look of someone who has seen things. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 15 ā vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-117 (L)
Jeff Bezos, this versatile guy, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Kobe Bryant, this oversized freak, bobbles the Spalding and the chance evaporates facing the rim!
This basketball god Jeff Bezos with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This All-Star caliber talent Luka DonÄiÄ gives up the offensive rebound! Lack of consistency when boxing out!
Ted Bundy shakes their head! A serial killer who can't believe that just happened!
Back to the locker room. Ted Bundy's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Exclusive info: Ted Bundy is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Kobe Bryant fires a buzzer beater from the left corner but can't connect! Shaky emotions under pressure showing!
Kobe Bryant steps back but can't sustain the effort! Shaky emotions under pressure emptying the tank!
Jeff Bezos pulls up into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This potential GOAT Jeff Bezos gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Jeff Bezos looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a computer scientist!
Luka DonÄiÄ and Jeff Bezos share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
My Team ends the season #9 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Luka DonÄiÄ.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Luka DonÄiÄ. Standing at 201 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jeff Bezos. The man. Is. A computer scientist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A computer scientist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their algorithm board and apparently, the technical motion of a computer scientist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
My Team ends the season #9 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Luka DonÄiÄ.
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