miami , ngs — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 16 | miami , ngs | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Miami , ngs! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Captain America. The man is a military personnel. Yes, you heard that right. A military personnel. On a basketball court. With their service rifle in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Captain America had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-130 (L)
Captain America checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Groot forces up a sky hook over the defense! Hot head! Bad decision!
Turnover by Hawkeye! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Captain America gets screened out! Stuck behind their service rifle like it's a wall!
Hawkeye waves off the play! The authority of an archer in that gesture!
Coach calls everyone back. Hulk drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Hulk got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Captain America takes off the ball into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
This well-respected player Hawkeye calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Groot coughs up the rock! Sometimes predictable game strikes again along the baseline!
Hawkeye gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to rush on full display!
Spider-Man leaves the palace of hoops with dignity! The dignity of a superhero with their bare hands!
Captain America takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Spider-Man doesn't drink. Throat too tight. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
89-134 (L)
This undisputed superstar Hulk opens the scoring! A buzzer-beater! Early advantage!
Hulk short on the attempt! Needs the reach of their lab notebook!
Groot, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass back to the basket!
This rising star Groot fouls reaching in! Injury-prone body on defense!
Groot, this diamond in the rough, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
The players head in. Groot slips on the wet tunnel floor. I've been told Groot once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Spider-Man fires and misses driving to the hoop. Should have stuck with the game!
This basketball god Spider-Man stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Groot with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
Groot slams the ball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Groot reflects on what could have been. Injury-prone body the difference tonight.
Hulk taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Groot walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
83-128 (L)
Spider-Man lets fly with energy from the opening whistle! This generational talent locked in!
Spider-Man takes a tough off-balance shot and it doesn't go! Shaky emotions under pressure in shot selection!
This global icon Hulk loses concentration and the orange with it!
Hulk, this smooth operator, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Hulk mouths off at the jump ball! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!
Both teams head in. Hulk has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Anecdote: Hulk once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Spider-Man can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The ball through the hoop, nope!
Spider-Man tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a superhero's energy for the game!
Captain America, this smooth operator, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from way beyond the arc!
Hawkeye mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Captain America hangs their head! A military personnel who gave everything they had!
Hulk's gaze is cold, distant. Spider-Man's gaze is hot, angry. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-114 (L)
This total unknown Groot gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A thunderous slam from Spider-Man goes in and out! Heartbreaking driving to the hoop!
Hulk loses the Spalding! A scientist would never be this careless!
Groot gets caught flat-footed! This diamond in the rough beaten to the spot!
Hawkeye lets fly the pill with flair and hits a floater! Sensational!
Rest time. Groot isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: Groot refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
This hall-of-fame lock Hulk stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
An alley-oop by Spider-Man facing the rim is way off! Tough night for this living legend!
Hawkeye explodes with purpose every possession! This league veteran chess master!
Spider-Man powers through! The superhero in them won't quit on the game!
Hulk leaves the venue quietly! Quiet as a scientist after the hidden truth setback!
Captain America walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Hawkeye speeds up. Wants it to be over. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
88-132 (L)
Hawkeye steps onto the temple of basketball! From competing the game to this, game time!
Groot launches a fadeaway jumper and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
Sloppy handling by Captain America! Defending the frontline is done with more finesse!
This up-and-coming baller Hawkeye gives up the offensive rebound! Shaky emotions under pressure when boxing out!
Hulk slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a scientist hits the workbench!
Halftime. The doctor examines Hulk's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Little secret: Hulk listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Spider-Man rushes a euro-step in the paint! Ego the size of Texas creeping in!
Hulk bends over during the dead ball! This first-ballot legend gathering what's left!
Captain America with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the frontline!
Hawkeye fades away and kicks the stanchion! This dude putting the league on notice losing composure!
Groot sits alone on the bench. This potential breakout star processing the defeat.
Spider-Man walks toward the tunnel without a word. Groot stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Evening confession: I'm wearing Spider-Man's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
81-126 (L)
Spider-Man takes the court to a packed arena! The superhero with their bare hands is here!
Hulk, this generational talent, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
This undisputed superstar Hulk with turnover number points! Limited stamina is piling up!
Groot, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily from the right corner! Limited stamina!
Hulk tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the scientist will bounce back!
Well-deserved break. Captain America looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little secret: Captain America watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Captain America, this elite player, comes up empty! An and-one off target from the left corner!
Groot, this combo guard, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Groot throws it away! Hot head under pressure along the baseline!
Groot, this smooth operator, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Captain America looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a military personnel!
Spider-Man replays the score in his head on a loop. Captain America tries to think about something else. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
84-129 (L)
This seasoned vet Hawkeye comes out firing! A euro-step in the first minute!
That one wasn't even close, Hulk! Stick to discoverring the hidden truth!
Spider-Man turns it over at right from the tip-off! A superhero dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Captain America lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this established star fooled!
Groot, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
That's a cut. Hulk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. True story: Hulk walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Spider-Man clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
Hawkeye drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Spider-Man tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
Hulk, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
Spider-Man, this global icon, takes the loss hard. Occasional mental lapses at the wrong moments.
Captain America looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Hulk looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
87-119 (L)
Spider-Man starts in the role player! Playing the role player the way a superhero plays with their bare hands!
Hawkeye with a wild attempt! This solid pro not finding the range tonight!
Groot with the backcourt violation! This surprise package under too much pressure!
This basketball god Hulk misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Groot fires away away from the huddle! This potential breakout star in a dark place mentally!
Off to the locker room. Spider-Man has already drained two water bottles. Small detail: Spider-Man wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Hulk misfires off the pick and roll! Their lab notebook calibration needed!
Spider-Man drives a step slower than usual! Heavy feet in the tank!
Hulk gets picked! A scientist getting the hidden truth stolen in broad daylight!
Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!
Captain America packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Hulk scratches the back of his neck nervously. Hawkeye has the look of someone who has seen things. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
87-131 (L)
Hawkeye begins their shift on the venue! An archer starting the their bare hands shift!
Hawkeye misses the bunny! An archer dropping the game from point-blank!
Groot loses the pill in traffic! This newcomer can't afford that!
Spider-Man overcommits and gets beat! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the play!
Captain America picks up the second technical! This bonafide star ejected! Lack of consistency!
Back to the locker room. Hawkeye punches his locker. Fun fact: Hawkeye tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Captain America pulls up the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This basketball god Hulk signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Sometimes predictable game!
Groot throws it into the stands! What was that from this who-is-this-guy player!
Hawkeye mutters to himself walking back! This hooper's hooper fighting inner demons!
Hulk consoles teammates! The heart of a scientist in that moment!
Captain America replays the score in his head on a loop. Hawkeye tries to think about something else. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
79-124 (L)
Hawkeye locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an archer who means business!
Groot shoots but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Hulk loses possession! The hidden truth never leaves a scientist's hands like that!
Hulk beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the hidden truth slipping from a scientist!
Hawkeye shakes their head! An archer who can't believe that just happened!
Halftime! Hawkeye is limping slightly heading off the court. Anecdote of the day: Hawkeye forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Spider-Man misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Hawkeye grimaces through the effort! The grimace of an archer finishing the game!
Captain America throws it away! A pass worse than a military personnel tossing the frontline!
Groot can't mask the disappointment! This potential breakout star wearing it on the sleeve!
Hawkeye wipes a tear! An archer who poured everything into the effort!
Spider-Man kicks his towel across the floor. Groot has already left for the locker room, alone. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
79-124 (L)
Captain America launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this elite player!
Brick! Captain America misfires in the paint! Tendency to force bad shots at the worst time!
Groot passes to nobody! This dude out of nowhere with a head-scratching decision!
Captain America, this smooth operator, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Captain America, this franchise guy, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to force bad shots causing friction!
End of the first act. Spider-Man is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Little scoop: Spider-Man collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. We're back! The players look fired up.
Hawkeye misses on the decisive possession! An archer dropping the game at the worst time!
Hawkeye asks for the ball to slow the pace! This guy with a proven track record needs air!
Spider-Man dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a superhero like that!
This certified bucket Captain America throws an elbow in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Groot takes off to the tunnel in disappointment. This rising star will learn from this.
Captain America refuses the coach's embrace. Hawkeye accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
78-122 (L)
Captain America gets the starting nod! A military personnel starting with their service rifle confidence!
Spider-Man with the ugly miss! The superhero touch is absent tonight!
Groot charges right into the defender! Turnover! Sometimes predictable game when controlling pace!
Spider-Man can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Spider-Man storms to the bench! Heated! This superhero doesn't handle losing well!
Cut! Halftime. Hawkeye's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Hawkeye talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Hawkeye, this combo guard, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to rush!
Hulk can't get lift! Legs heavy as their lab notebook after this ball game!
Hulk blows past carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Spider-Man kicks the air! The frustration of a superhero who knows they can do better!
Groot walks off in silence. This rising star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Captain America looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Hawkeye looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
90-135 (L)
Captain America, this headliner, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Captain America, this do-it-all player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy everybody knows!
This legit talent Hawkeye forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Captain America loses the battle in the paint! Being a military personnel doesn't help you here!
Captain America, this established star, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Halftime. Spider-Man is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Spider-Man once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Hawkeye gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the archer touch can't save that one!
Hulk jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for discoverring the hidden truth tomorrow!
This All-Star caliber talent Captain America dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Hawkeye sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an archer after a long shift!
Captain America refuses to make excuses! A military personnel owns the frontline failures too!
Spider-Man replays the score in his head on a loop. Groot tries to think about something else. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Hulk bounces the leather pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Hulk misses the layup! Even the hidden truth would have gone in easier!
This raw talent Groot gets pickpocketed at the top of the key! Sloppy handling!
Hawkeye bites on the pump fake! This solid pro sent flying at the top of the key!
This multi-time All-Star Captain America can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Hulk logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Hulk can't convert! The scientist's touch with the hidden truth deserted them!
Hawkeye, this next-level player, is dragging! The contest minutes taking their toll!
Groot with the errant pass! This potential breakout star needs to settle down!
Spider-Man glares at the scoreboard! This once-in-a-lifetime player not happy with the situation!
Hulk, this absolute legend, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Hulk presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Spider-Man walks right past without noticing. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-122 (L)
Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!
Spider-Man puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Groot, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stripped at the top of the key! Tendency to rush exposed!
This generational talent Spider-Man bites on the fake! Beaten from the right corner!
Groot storms to the bench! This rising star is visibly upset!
Players head to the locker room. Groot has tape on three fingers. True story: Groot had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Captain America misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their service rifle at the frontline!
Hulk takes the rest play! Even a scientist needs a breather!
Hulk with a wild pass that sails out! This generational talent giving it away!
Hawkeye glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this archer!
Captain America takes the loss hard! Hard as the frontline on a bad military personnel day!
Spider-Man sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Hawkeye has his head in his hands. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
miami , ngs finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Miami , ngs!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Spider-Man. Standing at 178 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Captain America. The man is a military personnel. Yes, you heard that right. A military personnel. On a basketball court. With their service rifle in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Captain America had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
miami , ngs finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Spider-Man.
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