the commers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | the commers | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... The commers! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Jesus Christ. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Joaquín Guzmán. A q10384029 in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Joaquín Guzmán has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
Warren Buffett checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Pope Francis misfires under the basket! Even this certified GOAT candidate has off nights!
Jesus Christ loses the pill in traffic! This global icon can't afford that!
Warren Buffett fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an investor chasing the next venture!
JD Vance, this household name, barks at the teammate! Hot head taking over!
Rest time. Jesus Christ isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know? Jesus Christ tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
JD Vance puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This once-in-a-lifetime player bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Warren Buffett gets picked! An investor getting the next venture stolen in broad daylight!
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
Warren Buffett refuses to make excuses! An investor owns the next venture failures too!
JD Vance's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Did you know that Jesus Christ practices skier on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
109-90 (W)
JD Vance stretches center court! Loosening up, the skier is getting ready!
A step-back three by JD Vance! The building is rocking! This hall-of-fame lock takeover!
This headliner Joaquín Guzmán comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!
This franchise guy Joaquín Guzmán creates for others! Unselfish play with freakish explosiveness!
Joaquín Guzmán lets fly the ball out of the trap! Ridiculous creativity under pressure!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Warren Buffett to massage his thighs. They say Warren Buffett has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This once-in-a-lifetime player JD Vance does it again! A double-clutch layup with effortless precision!
Listen to that roar! Joaquín Guzmán posts up and the place explodes!
This guy everybody knows Joaquín Guzmán motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
This basketball god JD Vance plays every possession like the last! Next-level basketball IQ burning bright!
JD Vance daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Jesus Christ runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
114-100 (W)
Pope Francis gets the starting nod! A chemist starting with their glass beaker confidence!
Jesus Christ knocks down a double-clutch layup at the top of the key! Ice in the veins!
This generational talent JD Vance takes the charge on the low block! Gutsy play!
Jesus Christ, this all-time great, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a deep three!
Jesus Christ reads the defense perfectly! Freakish explosiveness and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime! JD Vance has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: JD Vance whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Joaquín Guzmán pulls up and drills a double-clutch layup! Can't teach that!
This all-time great JD Vance draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Pope Francis runs the play to perfection! Perfection of synthesizing the new compound!
Warren Buffett's journey from the next venture to a step-back three inspires a Finals-like atmosphere!
This elite player Joaquín Guzmán seals the deal! Victory with night-in night-out consistency!
Warren Buffett takes Joaquín Guzmán by the hand and they bow to the crowd like stage actors. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
77-120 (L)
This basketball god JD Vance in the starting lineup! Let's see what this basketball god brings!
Pope Francis can't find the range! Their glass beaker has better accuracy than that!
Sloppy handling by Pope Francis! Synthesizing the new compound is done with more finesse!
Warren Buffett overcommits and gets beat! Ego the size of Texas when reading the play!
Joaquín Guzmán gets a technical for complaining! Lack of consistency on full display!
The players head in. JD Vance slips on the wet tunnel floor. Anecdote: JD Vance once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
JD Vance with a wild attempt! This global icon not finding the range tonight!
Warren Buffett, this swiss-army-knife type, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
This franchise guy Joaquín Guzmán forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Warren Buffett storms to the bench! Heated! This investor doesn't handle losing well!
JD Vance, this solid build, trudges off the gymnasium. Lessons to take from this one.
Warren Buffett's complexion is grey. Joaquín Guzmán's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
76-120 (L)
JD Vance, this absolute legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
JD Vance, this global icon, pulls the trigger from mid-range but no luck!
This jersey-selling name Joaquín Guzmán dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Jesus Christ gets posted up and scored on! This all-time great overpowered!
JD Vance glares at the scoreboard! This once-in-a-lifetime player not happy with the situation!
The players head to the locker room. JD Vance is sweating like a racehorse. Small detail: JD Vance whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Brick! JD Vance misfires driving to the hoop! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Warren Buffett is gassed! More tired than after a full day of bankrolling the next venture!
Jesus Christ forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Warren Buffett can't hide the frustration! Their portfolio ledger frustration meets the basketball frustration!
Joaquín Guzmán walks off in silence. This big-name player gave it all but it wasn't enough.
JD Vance sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Warren Buffett has his head in his hands. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
92-105 (L)
JD Vance locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a skier who means business!
JD Vance air-mails a thunderous slam facing the rim! Way off for this global icon!
Joaquín Guzmán, this undersized spark plug, fumbles the entry pass from mid-range!
Warren Buffett can't contain the drive! Bankrolling the next venture is more containable!
Joaquín Guzmán shoots to the rack for a bucket! Can't contain this miniature missile!
The locker room. JD Vance sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: JD Vance once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This certified bucket Joaquín Guzmán slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
A bank shot from Jesus Christ catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Jesus Christ calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's messiah mentality!
JD Vance is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the skier is spent!
JD Vance consoles teammates! The heart of a skier in that moment!
Pope Francis shakes Joaquín Guzmán's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
76-120 (L)
Pope Francis, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! A gym-rat work ethic from the jump!
A double-clutch layup from Pope Francis goes in and out! Heartbreaking at half court!
Jesus Christ loses the basketball! A messiah would never be this careless!
Joaquín Guzmán, this scrappy guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over sometimes predictable game!
Jesus Christ buries their face! Hidden from view, the messiah can't watch!
Halftime. Jesus Christ's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Intel: Jesus Christ once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
This big-name player Joaquín Guzmán rattles it out! So close yet so far off the pick and roll!
Warren Buffett mops their face! Sweating more than when bankrolling the next venture!
Pope Francis coughs up the damn ball! Defense that's basically a suggestion strikes again back to the basket!
Joaquín Guzmán shoots and kicks the stanchion! This world-class player losing composure!
Jesus Christ vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Pope Francis leaves the court at a jog. Joaquín Guzmán stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-130 (L)
Joaquín Guzmán, this top-tier talent, draws first blood! An and-one to start!
Joaquín Guzmán explodes the ball into nothing! Lack of consistency on full display tonight!
Pope Francis coughs it up! A chemist's grip doesn't work on the pill!
Warren Buffett, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
Break! JD Vance takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Confession: JD Vance tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
JD Vance shanks it from the corner! Competing the game uses different muscles!
This absolute legend Warren Buffett can barely jump! The springs are gone at the buzzer!
Stolen from Pope Francis! A chemist who let it slip through their fingers!
Warren Buffett drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an investor's spirit has limits!
Warren Buffett had the chances but couldn't convert. This generational talent left wanting.
JD Vance lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Jesus Christ holds his in. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-134 (L)
Joaquín Guzmán fades away onto the floor! The crowd roars for this reliable star!
Pope Francis bricks another one! Building something awful with their glass beaker tonight!
Warren Buffett throws it into the stands! What was that from this absolute legend!
JD Vance can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Pope Francis mouths off in the money time! A chemist venting about the new compound!
Break! JD Vance heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Fun fact: JD Vance failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Pope Francis can't buy a bucket! Maybe the new compound would be easier to aim!
Jesus Christ tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a messiah's energy for the game!
Pope Francis gets the ball stripped! The new compound would have stayed in a chemist's grip!
Joaquín Guzmán drops the head after another miss! Defense that's basically a suggestion sapping the confidence!
Warren Buffett dishes past the media. This undisputed superstar not in the mood to talk.
JD Vance and Jesus Christ share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Warren Buffett comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the investor means business!
Joaquín Guzmán, this miniature missile, wastes a golden chance with a wild reverse layup!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Warren Buffett gives up the easy bucket! Easier than bankrolling the next venture!
Pope Francis mouths off and picks up a T! Lack of consistency taking over!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Jesus Christ to massage his thighs. Exclusive info: Jesus Christ is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, can't get a bank shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Pope Francis posts up but the legs won't cooperate! Injury-prone body catching up!
Pope Francis throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure along the baseline!
Pope Francis slams the Spalding in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
JD Vance looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a skier!
Joaquín Guzmán refuses the coach's embrace. Jesus Christ accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-124 (L)
This generational talent JD Vance catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
A layup by Warren Buffett from mid-range is way off! Tough night for this hall-of-fame lock!
This franchise cornerstone Warren Buffett gets pickpocketed on the low block! Sloppy handling!
Pope Francis reacts too late to rotate! Ego the size of Texas on the help side!
JD Vance, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Cut! Halftime. Pope Francis's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Pope Francis keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
This basketball god JD Vance whiffs on an alley-oop! The crowd groans!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Joaquín Guzmán with a wild pass that sails out! This world-class player giving it away!
Warren Buffett throws their hands up! Like an investor when their portfolio ledger breaks!
This undisputed superstar JD Vance congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this undisputed superstar.
Warren Buffett walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Joaquín Guzmán drags one foot after the other. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-121 (L)
JD Vance wins the opening tip! Tipping off with skier energy!
JD Vance can't hit from the high post! That zone is cursed for this skier!
This absolute legend Pope Francis commits the offensive foul! Turnover back to the basket!
Joaquín Guzmán gets crossed over! This franchise guy left frozen facing the rim!
This established star Joaquín Guzmán fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!
Halftime! Warren Buffett looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Warren Buffett once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Joaquín Guzmán launches an alley-oop and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
Pope Francis jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for synthesizing the new compound tomorrow!
This household name Jesus Christ with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
This living legend Jesus Christ tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Pope Francis takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. JD Vance doesn't drink. Throat too tight. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-134 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Joaquín Guzmán comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer beater from way beyond the arc!
This living legend Pope Francis misses the mark! A finger roll goes begging off the pick and roll!
JD Vance attacks into a trap! Injury-prone body when reading the defense!
This household name Jesus Christ gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to rush when boxing out!
JD Vance explodes angrily after the turnover! This all-time great spiraling!
End of the first half. Pope Francis is beet red but still standing. Anecdote of the day: Pope Francis forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Pope Francis throws up a clunker! Their glass beaker would weep at that trajectory!
Joaquín Guzmán, this undersized spark plug, looks exhausted on the low block! The legs are gone!
Pope Francis with the errant pass! This potential GOAT needs to settle down!
Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!
Pope Francis sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a chemist after their glass beaker broke!
JD Vance slams his fist on the bench. Jesus Christ places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
76-120 (L)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Joaquín Guzmán, this guy everybody knows, with a contested finger roll that misses off the pick and roll!
This first-ballot legend JD Vance with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
JD Vance gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Joaquín Guzmán, this little firecracker, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the left corner!
Both teams head to the locker room. Jesus Christ wipes his forehead with his jersey. Confession: Jesus Christ believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Pope Francis clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their glass beaker hitting the new compound!
Pope Francis is running on fumes! The chemist tank is completely empty!
Pope Francis tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
Pope Francis kicks the air! The frustration of a chemist who knows they can do better!
Pope Francis wipes a tear! A chemist who poured everything into the effort!
JD Vance isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Jesus Christ tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
This certified bucket Joaquín Guzmán comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
JD Vance, this smooth operator, gets the look on the low block but the lid's on the rim!
Joaquín Guzmán charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
JD Vance lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this generational talent fooled!
This franchise guy Joaquín Guzmán can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
End of the first half. Warren Buffett is beet red but still standing. I've been told Warren Buffett always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Joaquín Guzmán, this pocket rocket, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this guy everybody knows!
This multi-time All-Star Joaquín Guzmán has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Pope Francis with the careless pass! Synthesizing the new compound with more care, please!
Warren Buffett looks to the heavens! An investor praying for their portfolio ledger to work!
Joaquín Guzmán, this lightning-quick little man, hangs the head. Tough loss despite pure God-given talent effort.
Jesus Christ's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. JD Vance breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
the commers finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Kill the cameras, turn off your phones, and shut your mouths because what we're about to witness tonight only happens once in a generation. We're in the belly of an arena where the floor trembles under the bass, where the Jumbotron spits fire, where 20,000 lunatics are screaming their heads off before the tip-off even happens. The franchise walking onto this court isn't a basketball club, it's a war machine forged in the pain of defeat and the madness of impossible comebacks. Every player here has gladiator blood in his veins and an ego size of Texas. Ladies and gentlemen... The commers!
Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Jesus Christ. Just the name sends chills through the building. The man is massive, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Joaquín Guzmán. A q10384029 in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Joaquín Guzmán has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning.
Budget-wise, we're in the "checked the couch cushions to fund the last contract" category. Seriously, there are high school programs with better catering. The owner watches every dollar like it's his last, and the GM negotiates trades with the anxiety of a guy haggling at a flea market. But paradoxically, that might be their strength: when you've got nothing to lose, you play free. And sometimes, freedom works miracles on the hardwood.
the commers finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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