evil inc — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | New York Over-Timers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Miami Heart-Attack | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | evil inc | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Evil inc! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's King Von. Standing at 175 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed PrestonPlayz, his brother-in-law and a youtuber by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their camera and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if PrestonPlayz can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the algorithm to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
Slender Man lands the first half-court heave! First blood! The serial killer strikes first!
This guy with a proven track record Slender Man whiffs on a floater! The crowd groans!
King Von throws it away! A pass worse than a rapper tossing the fiery bars!
This first-ballot legend devil gives up the offensive rebound! Lack of consistency when boxing out!
Devil, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Break! Jeffrey Epstein grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Jeffrey Epstein started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
PrestonPlayz fires a devastating dunk from downtown but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Slender Man tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a serial killer's energy for the unsuspecting prey!
King Von gets the ball stripped! The fiery bars would have stayed in a rapper's grip!
King Von, this well-respected player, barks at the teammate! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Jeffrey Epstein walks off in defeat! Even a philanthropist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Devil hurls his mouthguard into the trash. King Von keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
90-109 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! Natural-born leadership from the jump!
Slender Man can't finish! The serial killer who finishes the unsuspecting prey can't finish the play!
King Von passes to nobody! This hooper's hooper with a head-scratching decision!
This player making noise King Von bites on the fake! Beaten on the low block!
Jeffrey Epstein, this generational talent, absolutely nails a pull-up jumper at the top of the key! Take a bow!
Halftime. The physio pounces on PrestonPlayz to massage his thighs. Did you know? PrestonPlayz launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
PrestonPlayz pulls up angrily after the turnover! This dude out of nowhere spiraling!
King Von denied by the basket! Even a rapper can't pry it open!
Devil dunks into the right spacing! Iron discipline and elite court awareness!
PrestonPlayz is gassed! This who-is-this-guy player bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
Devil sits alone on the bench. This certified GOAT candidate processing the defeat.
King Von leaves the court at a jog. Jeffrey Epstein stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-118 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Jeffrey Epstein gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
King Von gets a clean look but shaky emotions under pressure costs the bucket!
PrestonPlayz coughs up the pill! Injury-prone body strikes again in transition!
Devil overcommits and gets beat! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the play!
King Von scores from mid-range! A devastating dunk with ridiculous creativity! Brilliant!
Halftime. The doctor examines PrestonPlayz's shoulder while the others catch their breath. True story: PrestonPlayz had his parking spot stolen by Orlando Magic-Beans's mascot. Still talks about it. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This absolute legend Jeffrey Epstein gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Slender Man launches from deep and misses! A serial killer's range doesn't apply here!
This all-time great devil adjusts the angle mid-drive! Natural-born leadership body control!
This player nobody saw coming PrestonPlayz has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
PrestonPlayz takes the loss hard! Hard as the algorithm on a bad youtuber day!
Devil rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Jeffrey Epstein picks up his own and folds it carefully. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Jeffrey Epstein. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
81-113 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein sets the tone early! The philanthropist came to play tonight!
This hall-of-fame lock devil misfires again! Heavy feet could cost the team!
Intercepted! Jeffrey Epstein's pass snatched right out of the air! A philanthropist would never be that careless!
Slender Man, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free driving to the hoop! Costly lapse!
PrestonPlayz kicks the air! The frustration of a youtuber who knows they can do better!
Halftime! Slender Man looks in the mirror and shakes his head. Anecdote: Slender Man slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
King Von heaves and misses! Should have heaved the fiery bars instead!
King Von takes the rest play! Even a rapper needs a breather!
PrestonPlayz with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost youtuber!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, throws the hands up! Exasperated under the basket!
King Von leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Slender Man slams his fist on the bench. Devil places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-114 (L)
Slender Man, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! Palpable tension!
A buzzer-beater by Slender Man driving to the hoop is way off! Tough night for this name that's buzzing!
Stolen from PrestonPlayz! A youtuber who let it slip through their fingers!
Devil gets screened out of the play! This first-ballot legend lost in traffic!
This player nobody saw coming PrestonPlayz is automatic facing the rim! A buzzer-beater drops again!
Break time. Slender Man bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Intel: Slender Man asked Phoenix No-Defense for their energy drink recipe. They refused. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Jeffrey Epstein throws their hands up! Like a philanthropist when their bare hands breaks!
Off the mark for Jeffrey Epstein! Great philanthropist, not so great at basketball tonight!
PrestonPlayz rises up the ball out of the trap! Iron discipline under pressure!
PrestonPlayz misses from fatigue! Tired arms from captivating the algorithm all week!
Devil dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This absolute legend will learn from this.
Jeffrey Epstein mutters while walking out. Slender Man watches from the corner of his eye, worried. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
90-121 (L)
And we're underway! Jeffrey Epstein touches the Spalding first! This basketball god looks eager!
Slender Man bricks it! Not the same accuracy as stalking the unsuspecting prey!
Jeffrey Epstein turns it over on the final possession! A philanthropist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
King Von beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the fiery bars slipping from a rapper!
This seasoned vet Slender Man punishes the defense with a step-back three from the right corner!
End of the first half. Slender Man is beet red but still standing. Did you know Slender Man knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Los Angeles Nursing-Home's colors. By accident, obviously. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
King Von slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a rapper hits the workbench!
King Von, this up-and-coming baller, fumbles the finish from mid-range! Back to the drawing board!
Slender Man blows past to the right spot! Nerves of steel off-ball movement!
PrestonPlayz is running on fumes! The youtuber tank is completely empty!
King Von hangs their head! A rapper who gave everything they had!
Slender Man turns back to look at the court one last time. King Von doesn't turn around. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-124 (L)
Devil shoots with energy from the opening whistle! This franchise cornerstone locked in!
Slender Man gets blocked! Rejected harder than a serial killer's worst day on the job!
Devil shoots the rock right to the defense! Costly mistake by this living legend!
This potential GOAT Jeffrey Epstein picks up the cheap foul! Heavy feet showing!
This hall-of-fame lock Jeffrey Epstein can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
The locker room. Slender Man sprawls out full-length on the bench. Fun fact: Slender Man was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
PrestonPlayz misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Slender Man gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a serial killer begging the unsuspecting prey for mercy!
This first-ballot legend devil dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
King Von drops the head after another miss! Limited stamina sapping the confidence!
This franchise cornerstone devil stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise cornerstone wanted.
Jeffrey Epstein hurls his water bottle at the wall. King Von flinches but doesn't react. I learned that Jeffrey Epstein's father was a youtuber. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-120 (L)
King Von, this player on the come-up, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
King Von can't buy a bucket! Maybe the fiery bars would be easier to aim!
This household name devil with turnover number lengths ahead! Tendency to rush is piling up!
This player on the come-up King Von can't recover! Scored on facing the rim! Injury-prone body!
Jeffrey Epstein slams the ball in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Well-deserved break. PrestonPlayz looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Confession: PrestonPlayz calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Slender Man misfires facing the rim! This next-level player searching for answers!
King Von leans on their knees! Gassed, but the rapper keeps going!
Devil throws it into the stands! What was that from this franchise cornerstone!
Slender Man tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the serial killer will bounce back!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Jeffrey Epstein shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to force bad shots proved costly.
PrestonPlayz sits on the floor in the hallway. King Von sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Evening confession: I'm wearing PrestonPlayz's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-110 (L)
This name that's buzzing King Von in the starting lineup! Let's see what this name that's buzzing brings!
PrestonPlayz misses the open look! A youtuber never misses the algorithm... But misses the orange!
This hooper's hooper King Von commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
Devil scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Heavy feet!
PrestonPlayz carves through and scores! That's what a youtuber does best!
The players head to the locker room. Slender Man is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Slender Man once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Devil, this absolute legend, refuses to high-five! Occasional mental lapses hurting the chemistry!
Devil can't buy a bucket! Another miss under the basket! Frustrating!
Slender Man posts up to the weak side! This player making noise exploiting the rotation!
Devil, this do-it-all player, looks exhausted facing the rim! The legs are gone!
Jeffrey Epstein gave it everything! Everything a philanthropist has, left on the court!
PrestonPlayz pulls his cap down over his eyes. Jeffrey Epstein doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
90-134 (L)
This name that's buzzing King Von opens the scoring! A scoop layup! Early advantage!
Devil forces up a half-court heave over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!
Devil, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
PrestonPlayz turns the head and loses the man! This potential breakout star napping defensively!
King Von launches the towel! This legit talent showing tendency to force bad shots!
Break! Jeffrey Epstein grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Juicy anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
A tear drop attempt by PrestonPlayz falls short! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the legs!
Slender Man is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure serial killer stubbornness!
King Von loses the leather! A rapper would never be this careless!
King Von looks to the heavens! A rapper praying for their hot mic to work!
Jeffrey Epstein leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a philanthropist after the game setback!
Slender Man's complexion is grey. PrestonPlayz's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
78-120 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein announces themselves! The philanthropist has arrived and the building knows it!
Jeffrey Epstein, this all-around player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Slender Man posts up into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Devil bites on the pump fake! This undisputed superstar sent flying at the top of the key!
King Von glares at the orange! Like it personally betrayed this rapper!
Break! Slender Man grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Did you know Slender Man plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
King Von with the ugly miss! The rapper touch is absent tonight!
King Von is dead on their feet! Running on fumes, the rapper is spent!
King Von coughs it up! A rapper's grip doesn't work on the ball!
Devil attacks away from the huddle! This once-in-a-lifetime player in a dark place mentally!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
PrestonPlayz and Jeffrey Epstein share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein huddles with the team! Huddling up, the philanthropist strategizes!
Jeffrey Epstein, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild devastating dunk!
Devil, this do-it-all player, gets stripped from the left corner! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
King Von gives up the easy bucket! Easier than spitting the fiery bars!
This generational talent Jeffrey Epstein slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Break! Devil heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive info: devil is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Devil, this generational talent, sends the Spalding wide! The touch is off tonight!
PrestonPlayz misses the rotation! Too tired, like a youtuber too tired for the algorithm!
PrestonPlayz, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
PrestonPlayz gets a technical for complaining! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
PrestonPlayz vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their camera reinforced with the algorithm!
King Von walks toward the tunnel without a word. PrestonPlayz stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
85-129 (L)
Slender Man checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
PrestonPlayz can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the algorithm, a youtuber always hits!
Jeffrey Epstein double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
King Von fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a rapper chasing the fiery bars!
Slender Man waves off the play! The authority of a serial killer in that gesture!
Back to the locker room. Jeffrey Epstein's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Fun fact: Jeffrey Epstein blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
King Von puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their hot mic can save that!
PrestonPlayz is running on pure willpower! This potential breakout star refusing to quit!
King Von loses the orange in traffic! This league veteran can't afford that!
Jeffrey Epstein shakes their head! A philanthropist who can't believe that just happened!
King Von packs up and heads out! Packing their hot mic, unpacking emotions!
Jeffrey Epstein lets out a big exhale walking through the door. PrestonPlayz holds his in. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
74-118 (L)
This surprise package PrestonPlayz means business! Fast start in the paint!
Slender Man clanks another one off the rim! This legit talent needs to find rhythm!
Slender Man, this swiss-army-knife type, fumbles the entry pass facing the rim!
This name that's buzzing King Von misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Devil, this smooth operator, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
Intermission. King Von dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little scoop: King Von logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
King Von, this pint-sized baller, gets the look at the buzzer but the lid's on the rim!
Jeffrey Epstein misses from fatigue! This all-time great can't get the elevation in the paint!
PrestonPlayz tries to be too fancy and loses the orange! Heavy feet in the decision-making!
Slender Man mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Devil, this certified GOAT candidate, takes the loss hard. Heavy feet at the wrong moments.
PrestonPlayz replays the score in his head on a loop. Jeffrey Epstein tries to think about something else. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-135 (L)
Tip-off! Devil gets us started! Let's go!
Devil with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
Devil with the lazy pass! Tendency to force bad shots leading to easy points!
Slender Man, this versatile guy, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
Slender Man, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Both teams head in. Jeffrey Epstein has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Quick anecdote about Jeffrey Epstein: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Slender Man bobbles and misses! Fumbling the damn ball like it's a Monday morning!
This guy with a proven track record Slender Man can't close out! The legs are shot at the buzzer!
Jeffrey Epstein, this do-it-all player, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the Spalding!
Jeffrey Epstein vents at their teammates! The philanthropist who vents about the game!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, hangs the head. Tough loss despite an off-the-charts basketball IQ effort.
Devil mutters while walking out. Jeffrey Epstein watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
evil inc finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: King Von.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Evil inc!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's King Von. Standing at 175 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed PrestonPlayz, his brother-in-law and a youtuber by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their camera and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if PrestonPlayz can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the algorithm to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
evil inc finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: King Von.
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