My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Houston Blast-Off | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Anakin Skywalker. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Abraham Lincoln is on this team. Abraham Lincoln, who is a farmer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with seed dibber under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
77-122 (L)
Anakin Skywalker comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the jedi means business!
Abraham Lincoln clanks it off the rim! That sounded like the seed dibber hitting the stubborn soil!
King Kong, this smooth operator, gets called for the carry! Heavy feet in ball-handling!
This certified GOAT candidate Abraham Lincoln caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Anakin Skywalker, this up-and-coming baller, barks at the teammate! Occasional mental lapses taking over!
The players head in. Anakin Skywalker slips on the wet tunnel floor. Did you know Anakin Skywalker once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Break's over, the players take their positions.
This hooper's hooper Anakin Skywalker whiffs on a deep three! The crowd groans!
Anakin Skywalker cramps up! Muscles tight from their bare hands and the Spalding double duty!
King Kong, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Adam Sandler is visibly upset! Upset as a film producer when the risky picture goes sideways!
Anakin Skywalker walks off in defeat! Even a jedi's skills couldn't save tonight!
King Kong stares at the floor while Adam Sandler mutters something inaudible under his breath. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
93-118 (L)
Abraham Lincoln looks dialed in from the start! Night-in night-out consistency preparation showing!
King Kong, this swiss-army-knife type, gets stuffed trying a fadeaway jumper! Denied!
This hooper's hooper Anakin Skywalker with turnover number buckets! Ego the size of Texas is piling up!
Adam Sandler loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!
What a play by Abraham Lincoln! A euro-step along the baseline! This living legend is cooking!
First half is done. Anakin Skywalker is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Fun fact: Anakin Skywalker got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Jesus Christ penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This undisputed superstar losing composure!
Abraham Lincoln sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this farmer!
Jesus Christ sets up the play three passes ahead! Three moves ahead, like a messiah at work!
Abraham Lincoln is gassed! More tired than after a full day of cultivating the stubborn soil!
Jesus Christ leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a messiah with their bare hands!
Anakin Skywalker bites his lip, fists clenched. Jesus Christ shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Evening confession: I'm wearing Anakin Skywalker's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-112 (L)
King Kong, this multi-time All-Star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This generational talent Abraham Lincoln misfires again! Ego the size of Texas could cost the team!
Anakin Skywalker with the backcourt violation! This solid pro under too much pressure!
This global icon Adam Sandler can't recover! Scored on from the right corner! Ego the size of Texas!
Anakin Skywalker, this combo guard, glides in transition for a silky layup!
Break time. Adam Sandler bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Little secret: Adam Sandler has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
King Kong picks up the second technical! This big-name player ejected! Heavy feet!
Jesus Christ whiffs on the jumper! A messiah off their game with their bare hands!
This player on the come-up Anakin Skywalker recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Abraham Lincoln short-arms the shot from fatigue! This generational talent has nothing left!
King Kong, this All-Star caliber talent, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
King Kong walks head down toward the tunnel. Adam Sandler drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
92-111 (L)
Anakin Skywalker checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
King Kong fires away but the shot rims out! Lack of consistency rears its ugly head!
Abraham Lincoln crosses over into a dead end from the left corner! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
This dude putting the league on notice Anakin Skywalker commits the and-one foul! Hot head in positioning!
Jesus Christ nails a buzzer beater from deep! Range like their bare hands reaching across the workshop!
Both teams head to the locker room. Anakin Skywalker wipes his forehead with his jersey. True story: Anakin Skywalker walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
This solid pro Anakin Skywalker stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Adam Sandler misses! Even a film producer can't fix that shot!
This established star King Kong runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
King Kong, this versatile guy, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
This guy with rings on every finger Adam Sandler stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this guy with rings on every finger wanted.
Jesus Christ refuses Philadelphia Injury-Report's handshake. Adam Sandler offers a limp one with just his fingertips. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
102-117 (L)
This world-class player King Kong comes out aggressive! Opens with a floater along the baseline!
King Kong dribbles the damn ball into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Anakin Skywalker with the backcourt violation! A jedi going backwards with the game!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Adam Sandler adds to the total! A film producer who always exceeds expectations!
That's a wrap for now. Abraham Lincoln dives into the tunnel. I've been told Abraham Lincoln once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
King Kong dribbles angrily after the turnover! This top-tier talent spiraling!
Air ball from Adam Sandler! Being a film producer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Anakin Skywalker uses that jedi IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Anakin Skywalker gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a jedi begging the game for mercy!
Abraham Lincoln reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Anakin Skywalker bites the inside of his cheek. Jesus Christ pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
98-106 (L)
Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!
Adam Sandler, this once-in-a-lifetime player, with a contested two-handed slam that misses under the basket!
King Kong tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Tendency to force bad shots in the decision-making!
Jesus Christ loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Jesus Christ nails a tear drop on the final possession! A messiah who delivers when it matters!
Cut! Halftime. Abraham Lincoln's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
King Kong rises up the towel! This certified bucket showing injury-prone body!
This seasoned vet Anakin Skywalker shanks an off-balance shot in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Anakin Skywalker schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true jedi!
Anakin Skywalker needs oxygen! More winded than a jedi after overtime!
Abraham Lincoln fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the farmer gave everything!
Abraham Lincoln's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
101-111 (L)
Abraham Lincoln lands the first free throw! First blood! The farmer strikes first!
King Kong misfires from the left corner! Even this reliable star has off nights!
Abraham Lincoln with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
This household name Abraham Lincoln picks up the cheap foul! Hot head showing!
The crowd erupts as Abraham Lincoln nails an alley-oop! A farmer on fire at the court!
Halftime! King Kong checks his stats on the board and winces. Bus driver's confession: King Kong raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
King Kong storms to the bench! This headliner is visibly upset!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, comes up empty! A free throw off target from mid-range!
Jesus Christ blows past into the right spacing! A gym-rat work ethic and elite court awareness!
Anakin Skywalker mops their face! Sweating more than when competing the game!
King Kong, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite insane court vision effort.
Adam Sandler's gaze is cold, distant. Anakin Skywalker's gaze is hot, angry. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-121 (L)
And we're underway! Adam Sandler touches the leather first! This guy with rings on every finger looks eager!
Jesus Christ just barely misses! Close as a messiah getting the game almost right!
Adam Sandler turns it over in the left wing! Butterfingers from this film producer!
This franchise cornerstone Adam Sandler misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ dishes the Spalding with flair and hits a half-court heave! Sensational!
Players head to the locker room. Jesus Christ has tape on three fingers. Quick anecdote about Jesus Christ: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Anakin Skywalker sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Adam Sandler reads the defense perfectly! A killer instinct and a sky-high basketball IQ!
This respected competitor Anakin Skywalker is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
King Kong collapses into the first available chair. Jesus Christ stays standing, eyes glazed over. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
92-124 (L)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
King Kong, this versatile guy, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!
Anakin Skywalker commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
Abraham Lincoln can't contain the drive! Cultivating the stubborn soil is more containable!
Abraham Lincoln drains a bucket from the left corner! Textbook freakish explosiveness!
Halftime! Abraham Lincoln walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Bus driver's confession: Abraham Lincoln raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Abraham Lincoln drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a farmer's spirit has limits!
Anakin Skywalker, this all-around player, can't finish on the low block! That one stings!
Adam Sandler directs traffic on the gym! Traffic control by a film producer with the risky picture!
Jesus Christ misses from fatigue! Tired arms from competing the game all week!
Abraham Lincoln refuses to make excuses! A farmer owns the stubborn soil failures too!
Adam Sandler takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Anakin Skywalker doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-131 (L)
Anakin Skywalker, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
King Kong forces a thunderous slam on the low block! This multi-time All-Star trying too hard!
Anakin Skywalker throws it away! A pass worse than a jedi tossing the game!
King Kong, this tweener, gets dunked on from the right corner! Poster material!
Abraham Lincoln stares in disbelief! The look of a farmer who just lost everything!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Jesus Christ misses the triple! Three-pointers aren't like triple-checking the game!
Abraham Lincoln misses the rotation! Too tired, like a farmer too tired for the stubborn soil!
Adam Sandler throws it out of bounds! Like launching their loaded checkbook into the void!
Abraham Lincoln pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The farmer in them is showing!
Anakin Skywalker vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Jesus Christ punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Adam Sandler slides down the wall to the floor. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-129 (L)
This well-respected player Anakin Skywalker opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
This household name Jesus Christ misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging under the basket!
Stolen from Adam Sandler! A film producer who let it slip through their fingers!
This first-ballot legend Adam Sandler bites on the fake! Beaten from mid-range!
Adam Sandler, this first-ballot legend, yells at the coaching staff! Heavy feet causing friction!
Break. Anakin Skywalker asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Quick anecdote about Anakin Skywalker: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
A sky hook from Jesus Christ hits the iron! Shaky emotions under pressure under the spotlight!
This certified GOAT candidate Abraham Lincoln can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Anakin Skywalker loses possession! The game never leaves a jedi's hands like that!
Jesus Christ, this swiss-army-knife type, sits down hard on the bench! Shaky emotions under pressure written all over his face!
King Kong walks off in silence. This established star gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Jesus Christ and Abraham Lincoln walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-131 (L)
The game begins and Abraham Lincoln is ready! You can see unreal swagger written all over his face!
King Kong, this combo guard, wastes a golden chance with a wild pull-up jumper!
Abraham Lincoln loses the Wilson! A farmer would never be this careless!
King Kong gives up the back door! Defense that's basically a suggestion when overplaying!
Anakin Skywalker glares at the scoreboard! This seasoned vet not happy with the situation!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses next to the vending machine. Anecdote: Jesus Christ lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
King Kong, this versatile guy, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
Abraham Lincoln with a wild pass that sails out! This hall-of-fame lock giving it away!
Anakin Skywalker mouths off on the decisive possession! A jedi venting about the game!
Anakin Skywalker looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a jedi!
King Kong stares at the floor while Adam Sandler mutters something inaudible under his breath. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce King Kong's name. Forgive me. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-133 (L)
Abraham Lincoln announces themselves! The farmer has arrived and the building knows it!
King Kong, this elite player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
King Kong, this smooth operator, gets stripped under the basket! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
King Kong scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Sometimes predictable game!
Anakin Skywalker tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the jedi will bounce back!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, King Kong picks up the pace. Little secret: King Kong has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Brick! Anakin Skywalker misfires along the baseline! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the worst time!
Abraham Lincoln, this smooth operator, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Anakin Skywalker goes to work into a trap! Defense that's basically a suggestion when reading the defense!
Adam Sandler, this miniature missile, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Adam Sandler spins to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Adam Sandler mutters 'damn' under his breath. Abraham Lincoln says 'yeah' in the same tone. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
90-134 (L)
Abraham Lincoln opens with a step-back three! This global icon making an early statement!
Jesus Christ misses at the jump ball! A messiah dropping the game at the worst time!
Abraham Lincoln botches the handoff! Even the seed dibber exchanges go smoother!
Jesus Christ gets blown by! Even a messiah couldn't stop that!
Jesus Christ kicks the air! The frustration of a messiah who knows they can do better!
Halftime. The doctor examines Abraham Lincoln's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Juicy intel: Abraham Lincoln turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Jesus Christ penetrates the ball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Anakin Skywalker can barely run! This ball game harder than this ball game of competing the game!
Abraham Lincoln with the errant pass! This undisputed superstar needs to settle down!
Jesus Christ mutters to himself walking back! This potential GOAT fighting inner demons!
Abraham Lincoln takes the loss hard! Hard as the stubborn soil on a bad farmer day!
King Kong stares at the floor while Adam Sandler mutters something inaudible under his breath. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-122 (L)
Jesus Christ wins the opening tip! Tipping off with messiah energy!
Jesus Christ fires a scoop layup from the left corner but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!
Anakin Skywalker with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
Anakin Skywalker buries their face! Hidden from view, the jedi can't watch!
Coach calls everyone back. Abraham Lincoln drags his feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Anakin Skywalker bobbles and misses! Fumbling the leather like it's a Monday morning!
Anakin Skywalker is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a jedi would call it quits!
Anakin Skywalker dunks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
King Kong, this big-name player, refuses to high-five! Tendency to rush hurting the chemistry!
This world-class player King Kong congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this world-class player.
King Kong taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Adam Sandler walks through the door without pushing it. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Anakin Skywalker. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. The man is massive, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Abraham Lincoln is on this team. Abraham Lincoln, who is a farmer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with seed dibber under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Anakin Skywalker.
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