My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Mike Tyson, his brother-in-law and a boxer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying hand wraps and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Mike Tyson can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for heavy bags to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-127 (L)
Stephen Curry takes off onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy everybody knows!
A sky hook from Shaquille O'Neal hits the iron! Hot head under the spotlight!
This headliner Stephen Curry with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Mike Tyson beaten to the spot! Slower than a boxer on a Monday morning!
Mike Tyson, this elusive guard, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
End of the first act. Mike Tyson is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Mike Tyson failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
A deep three attempt by Stephen Curry falls short! Heavy feet in the legs!
Dennis Rodman, this absolute unit, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Mike Tyson, this pint-sized baller, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Allen Iverson glares at the scoreboard! This top-tier talent not happy with the situation!
This headliner Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this headliner.
Mike Tyson looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Stephen Curry looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
126-95 (W)
Mike Tyson, this little thunder, sets the tone immediately! Scary good handles from the jump!
A buzzer beater by Shaquille O'Neal off the pick and roll! Scary good handles in every fiber!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal with a critical stop! A ball recovery when it counts!
Allen Iverson dunks and dishes! Gorgeous feed from the left corner! A killer instinct!
This potential GOAT Mike Tyson runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Cut! Halftime. Mike Tyson's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. They say Mike Tyson has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Mike Tyson, this little firecracker, uses strength and skill for a thunderous slam! Complete player!
Dennis Rodman, this beanpole, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This All-Star caliber talent making everyone better!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, evolves before our eyes! A dramatic twist!
Stephen Curry blows past in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Allen Iverson and Stephen Curry attempt an elaborate handshake. They miss three times. Shaquille O'Neal films the whole thing. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
133-88 (W)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see that dawg mentality written all over his face!
Mike Tyson with a tear drop! The finesse of the hand wraps right there on the arena!
Mike Tyson with the alley-oop pass! This pocket rocket throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Allen Iverson, this max-contract guy, drops a bank shot on the low block! Pure artistry!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mammoth, swats it into the third row! An iron-wall defense!
Halftime. Dennis Rodman glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little secret: Dennis Rodman has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Stephen Curry, this reliable star, knifes through for a sky hook along the baseline! Wow!
Dennis Rodman steps back with confidence! The game is well in hand for this top-tier talent!
Dennis Rodman shoots the free throw on the wrong basket! Somebody say something!
This guy with rings on every finger Mike Tyson rallies the crowd! A slide across the hardwood off the pick and roll! Deafening!
This elite player Allen Iverson wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Allen Iverson drops to his knees and kisses the court. Stephen Curry pretends to gag. Evening confession: I'm wearing Allen Iverson's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
100-96 (W)
Stephen Curry looks dialed in from the start! Eyes in the back of the head preparation showing!
This multi-time All-Star Allen Iverson takes the charge along the baseline! Gutsy play!
Allen Iverson pulls up the leather but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Dennis Rodman, this 7-footer, muscles in for a pull-up jumper! Pure power!
Allen Iverson, this combo guard, posts up the smaller defender! Mismatch hunting!
Back in the locker room, Dennis Rodman sits down and stares at the ceiling. Staff confession: Dennis Rodman is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Mike Tyson, this certified GOAT candidate, orchestrates the last possession! A pull-up jumper! Perfection!
Dennis Rodman a surgical steal with authority! This beanpole protecting the paint!
Stephen Curry soaks in a roaring arena! This franchise guy living for these moments!
Allen Iverson blows past and drills it! After a timeout! Ridiculous creativity under pressure!
Shaquille O'Neal, this oversized freak, carries the team to victory! MVP-level performance!
Mike Tyson does a cartwheel at center court. Shaquille O'Neal tries one too and eats it. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
115-103 (W)
Mike Tyson checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Allen Iverson with the and-one layup! A gym-rat work ethic through the whistle!
Stephen Curry strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Stephen Curry whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This combo guard seeing everything!
Stephen Curry explodes into the right spacing! Insane court vision and elite court awareness!
Break! Stephen Curry has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. True story: Stephen Curry had his parking spot stolen by Phoenix No-Defense's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, operates on the low block with a step-back three! Clinic!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, gets the standing ovation! A sold-out gym on fire!
This headliner Stephen Curry celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
This elite player Stephen Curry with a performance for the ages! A highlight-reel play chapter!
It's over! Shaquille O'Neal delivers the goods! This once-in-a-lifetime player walks off a winner!
Mike Tyson cries tears of joy in Stephen Curry's arms. Shaquille O'Neal is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
112-100 (W)
This headliner Allen Iverson opens the scoring! A hook shot! Early advantage!
Shaquille O'Neal dunks past the defense for a catch-and-shoot triple! Size advantage from this this tree of a man!
Dennis Rodman, this world-class player, switches seamlessly and locks up! Next-level basketball IQ shining through!
Dennis Rodman with the no-look pass! This bonafide star has eyes in the back of the head!
Dennis Rodman, this All-Star caliber talent, manages the clock beautifully in the first quarter!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Allen Iverson picks up the pace. Staff confession: Allen Iverson is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Shaquille O'Neal, this hall-of-fame lock, sinks a sky hook with surgical precision from the right corner!
Dennis Rodman in a roaring arena! This reliable star has been waiting for this stage!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry dives for the loose ball! Pure God-given talent on every play!
Shaquille O'Neal is writing the story tonight! This undisputed superstar with a two-handed slam back to the basket!
Mike Tyson has the last say! Final word from a boxer about the heavy bags!
Mike Tyson rips the net off the rim. Stephen Curry wraps it around his neck like a scarf. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
118-80 (W)
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal comes out firing! A scoop layup in the first minute!
Mike Tyson, this lightning-quick little man, uses every inch to deliver a step-back three!
Mike Tyson delivers the entry pass! Right on the money from this boxer!
Allen Iverson knocks down a tear drop back to the basket! Ice in the veins!
This world-class player Stephen Curry forces the air ball with pressure! Suffocating!
Intermission. Allen Iverson dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Little secret: Allen Iverson watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Allen Iverson, this combo guard, showcases a killer instinct with a gorgeous thunderous slam!
Mike Tyson piles it on! Stacking points like it's nothing! The boxer is dominant!
Stephen Curry goes to work with the wrong hand! Ambidextrous experiment by this bonafide star!
Shaquille O'Neal throws the finger guns at the crowd! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd after a fadeaway jumper!
That's the game! Shaquille O'Neal finishes with a monster performance! This absolute legend victorious!
Allen Iverson does the floss while Shaquille O'Neal spins like a top. Stephen Curry just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
100-106 (L)
Stephen Curry, this All-Star caliber talent, draws first blood! A thunderous slam to start!
This certified bucket Allen Iverson misses the mark! A fadeaway jumper goes begging on the low block!
Allen Iverson throws it away! Hot head under pressure from the right corner!
Shaquille O'Neal turns the head and loses the man! This franchise cornerstone napping defensively!
What a play by Shaquille O'Neal! A hook shot facing the rim! This household name is cooking!
Halftime. Dennis Rodman is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Dennis Rodman failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Allen Iverson mutters to himself walking back! This headliner fighting inner demons!
Dennis Rodman, this walking skyscraper, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this reliable star!
Allen Iverson makes the hockey pass! Night-in night-out consistency finding the extra pass!
Shaquille O'Neal grabs the shorts! This basketball god is running on fumes!
Dennis Rodman reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Shaquille O'Neal collapses into the first available chair. Mike Tyson stays standing, eyes glazed over. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Shaquille O'Neal's name. Forgive me. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
121-93 (W)
Mike Tyson, this miniature missile, announced to huge cheers! A boiling cauldron!
Mike Tyson scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a boxer!
Allen Iverson, this big-name player, pokes the orange free! Scramble driving to the hoop!
Stephen Curry with the bounce pass! This world-class player threading it perfectly!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, exploits the mismatch at the top of the key! Smart play!
Halftime. Dennis Rodman's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Little secret: Dennis Rodman has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Stephen Curry, this solid build, with a silky alley-oop under the basket! Smooth operator!
You can feel an electric crowd through the screen! Shaquille O'Neal in the spotlight!
Mike Tyson boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a boxer with the heavy bags!
What a journey for Allen Iverson! From the bench to the spotlight! You love to see it!
Allen Iverson dribbles to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! This jersey-selling name gave everything!
Mike Tyson improvises an Oscar acceptance speech. Stephen Curry plays the imaginary violin. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
113-99 (W)
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal in the starting lineup! Let's see what this absolute legend brings!
Mike Tyson, this first-ballot legend, threads the needle for a pull-up jumper from way beyond the arc!
Allen Iverson, this versatile guy, locks down the attacker! Freakish explosiveness on the defensive end!
Dennis Rodman with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Ridiculous creativity on that one!
Stephen Curry dishes the ball out of the trap! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
Off to the locker room. Dennis Rodman has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote: Dennis Rodman once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.
This headliner Allen Iverson converts from the right corner! A reverse layup right on cue!
The crowd is on its feet! A crowd fully behind them as Dennis Rodman takes the court!
Stephen Curry, this certified bucket, picks up the fallen teammate! That dawg mentality beyond the stats!
Dennis Rodman, this guy everybody knows, has been building to this all game! During crunch time!
Dennis Rodman can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Allen Iverson and Mike Tyson share a 30-second hug. Stephen Curry wants in. Gets pushed away. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
99-120 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Allen Iverson, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the separation but can't finish! Lack of consistency!
Allen Iverson crosses over into a trap! Hot head when reading the defense!
Stephen Curry gets burned on the drive! Defense that's basically a suggestion in lateral movement!
Dennis Rodman, this headliner, exploits the mismatch for a catch-and-shoot triple! Too easy!
The players disappear. Stephen Curry has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Anecdote: Stephen Curry slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Shaquille O'Neal, this titan, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Allen Iverson, this established star, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target on the low block!
Stephen Curry, this top-tier talent, orchestrates the delay game! Night-in night-out consistency in action!
Shaquille O'Neal, this big fella, looks exhausted under the basket! The legs are gone!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, takes the loss hard. Shaky emotions under pressure at the wrong moments.
Stephen Curry shakes Allen Iverson's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. Behind the scenes, I learned Allen Iverson was also a boxer in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
116-97 (W)
And we're underway! Stephen Curry touches the basketball first! This world-class player looks eager!
Allen Iverson, this big-name player, reads the play perfectly and delivers a scoop layup!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, covers ground to get the flawless defensive rotation! Wow!
Mike Tyson, this pint-sized baller, runs the offense with eyes in the back of the head! Beautiful passing!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! A killer instinct and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Cut! Halftime. Mike Tyson's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Did you know Mike Tyson plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal with a beautiful scoop layup along the baseline! Poetry in motion!
The arena erupts as Mike Tyson enters! The boxer gets a hero's welcome!
Allen Iverson makes the extra pass! This max-contract guy hockey assist for a step-back three!
This guy everybody knows Dennis Rodman refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Allen Iverson, this bonafide star, soaks in the moment! Victory from mid-range! A raised fist!
Shaquille O'Neal grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Mike Tyson applauds. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
110-86 (W)
This world-class player Allen Iverson comes out aggressive! Opens with a sky hook at the top of the key!
A thunderous slam from Stephen Curry! Another dagger! This All-Star caliber talent closing the door!
Shaquille O'Neal with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!
This basketball god Mike Tyson with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
This guy with rings on every finger Shaquille O'Neal uses the floater over this towering presence coverage! Smart!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Word is Shaquille O'Neal sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Dennis Rodman, this mountain of a man, carves up the defense for a fadeaway jumper! Beautiful!
This elite player Stephen Curry turns the hostile crowd into stunned silence!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, sets the perfect screen! Insane court vision for the team!
The stadium knows it! Dennis Rodman is special! This headliner writing legacy!
Mike Tyson pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This generational talent savors the win!
Mike Tyson does the floss while Stephen Curry spins like a top. Shaquille O'Neal just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
95-99 (L)
Allen Iverson opens with a euro-step! This established star making an early statement!
Stephen Curry penetrates the damn ball into a pull-up jumper! Eyes in the back of the head shining through!
This living legend Mike Tyson picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to rush showing!
Mike Tyson rushes a pull-up jumper in the paint! Injury-prone body creeping in!
This elite player Dennis Rodman ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
That's a wrap for now. Mike Tyson dives into the tunnel. True story: Mike Tyson walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against San Antonio Skyscrapers. Awkward. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Dennis Rodman misses the wide-open look in after a timeout! This reliable star will regret that!
Stephen Curry storms to the bench! This bonafide star is visibly upset!
The transformation of Allen Iverson is complete! This top-tier talent has arrived!
Shaquille O'Neal can't convert in the first quarter! This global icon shrinks in the moment!
Mike Tyson packs up and heads out! Packing the hand wraps, unpacking emotions!
Shaquille O'Neal pulls his cap down over his eyes. Stephen Curry doesn't have a cap, and it shows. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-117 (L)
Dennis Rodman takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Mike Tyson bobbles and misses! Fumbling the orange like it's a Monday morning!
This first-ballot legend Shaquille O'Neal forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Dennis Rodman, this walking skyscraper, lets the shooter get free on the low block! Costly lapse!
Stephen Curry goes to work through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Dennis Rodman to massage his thighs. Small detail: Dennis Rodman wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!
Mike Tyson misses the bunny! A boxer dropping the heavy bags from point-blank!
Shaquille O'Neal lets fly to the weak side! This guy with rings on every finger exploiting the rotation!
Shaquille O'Neal pulls up sluggishly! Ego the size of Texas catching up with this guy with rings on every finger!
Dennis Rodman, this giant, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Mike Tyson stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This man catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except he follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Mike Tyson, his brother-in-law and a boxer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying hand wraps and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Mike Tyson can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for heavy bags to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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