My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

0-1 (L)

Oh dear, Paris Saint-Glinglin have gone and scored. The defence was all over the place.

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Satoru Gojo, arms out like an aeroplane. Iron Man follows in like he's skiing. Satoru Gojo arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

High recovery from the scientist who hounds the carrier until he coughs it up. In that role, pressing is not a bonus, it is part of the job description. Professor X beats the defender with a double touch, escaping in a tight space. Strong. Shot from the scientist, wide! Not far from the woodwork though. In that role, full credit for trying, that was genuinely close. Satoru Gojo smashes a volley towards Black Flash, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper.

Full-on press, even the keeper is being chased in his own box. Juggernaut steals the ball in the passing lanes, that is pure reading of the game, intelligent football at its finest. Wing switch from Juggernaut, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Doomsday brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Doomsday gets to the byline and whips one in, the ball floats into the area looking for the head of Professor X.

Anakin Skywalker delivers a pinpoint free kick into the box, Iron Man is there to receive. Iron Man wins the header and flicks it on for Juggernaut. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Iron Man shifts it to Black Flash with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Black Flash presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football.

The jujutsu sorcerer goes long for Toji Fushiguro, fifty yards of precision. In that position, the feet have become mandatory. Toji Fushiguro powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated.

The gaffer rips up his notes and throws them in the bin. "Everything we worked on this week, in the bin. Because you lot clearly were not listening." He turns to Iron Man: "180 cm tall and you have not won a single header. 246 years old and playing like you have never seen a football before. Wake up!" Word from the training ground is that Loki brings a flask of tea to every away match. Not any tea — it has to be Yorkshire Tea, two sugars, brewed for exactly four minutes. He's 180 tall and will not compromise on brew time. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 0898 and answer this question: 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?' Kick-off! Black Panther wins the first challenge of the second half and the crowd roars its approval. That is the intensity we need.

Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll. Short pass from the scientist to Doomsday, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Quick dribble from Doomsday, one touch, one turn, and the defender is eliminated. Doomsday delivers a tidy ball to Black Flash, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Fresh air tackle from the player, left on the deck while the attacker runs off. In that role, timing is absolutely everything. Satoru Gojo grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Doomsday is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Killer ball from Black Flash through the gap! Black Panther bursts in, the centre-backs are split wide open. This is top-drawer stuff. Black Panther makes a mess of a simple pass to Anakin Skywalker, the ball bobbles and ends up with the opposition.

The player finds Doomsday along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Doomsday charges past his man, the defence is stretched on the flank. Dangerous. Shirt tug from the computer scientist, not subtle at all, the ref saw everything. The computer scientist picks up a yellow for a tactical foul — at that position, you learn when to take one for the team.

A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all. Iron Man puts it right into the feet of Anakin Skywalker, one touch and away. Silky stuff. The jedi slides a perfect cut-back for Doomsday in the box. When you have got that vision from the flank, you are world class.

Wall combination between Black Flash and Juggernaut, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. Black Flash gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. The player sets up Iron Man with a pull-back inside the eighteen. When you have got that footballing brain, you change matches.

Full time. Doomsday applauds the home fans with genuine gratitude — they never booed, not once. Professor X joins the clap. A few supporters lean over and say encouraging things. "Keep going, lads." It helps, a bit. The walk to the tunnel is the longest forty yards in football. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the capital of the country that doesn't exist on Tuesdays?'. The answer was of course Biscuitgrad, which only appears on maps printed during bank holidays. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-3 (L)

Shocker from Juggernaut on that tackle! The attacker didn't even need to dribble past him. Black Panther enters the box, the defender clips him and brings him down. PENALTY! The referee is ADAMANT, he points to the spot. The stadium is on the edge of its seat for what comes next. OOOOH the penalty from Black Panther! He waits for the keeper to dive and slots it the other way. CLEVER GOAL!

GOAAAL for México No-Era-Penal! The keeper got a hand to it but couldn't keep it out.

Satoru Gojo stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Black Flash follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Satoru Gojo plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. The player sets off on a solo raid from deep. When a player in that position triggers a run like that, the opposition defence does not know what hit them. Toji Fushiguro executes a SURGICAL lob! The keeper came out to meet him and Toji Fushiguro punishes him by chipping the ball just over. That is ICE COLD composure, GOAL!

Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Professor X, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Rapid combination: Professor X to Doomsday, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Doomsday triggers a change of flanks for Iron Man, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Iron Man accelerates and burns past his man on the wing, nobody can keep up! Iron Man drills a low ball back across the face of goal, Black Flash is free inside the eighteen-yard box.

Oh that's terrible! México No-Era-Penal score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Knee slide from Satoru Gojo right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Toji Fushiguro does the same down the line. Satoru Gojo turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

The gaffer pulls up the replay on his tablet and shoves it in Juggernaut's face: "Look at that. A gap size of the Grand Canyon in our backline and you are ball-watching. BALL. WATCHING. What are you, a spectator?!" Juggernaut takes it on the chin. There is nothing to say. The evidence is damning. Now Satoru Gojo has confessed — and this is genuine — that he cried during the final episode of Bake Off last year. Full tears. Soggy bottom and everything. The dressing room hasn't let him forget it, but at 180, nobody says it to his face. And now, our TV game show Total Wipeout at the Buffet! To win an all-you-can-eat carvery voucher for the whole family, text 0800ROAST and answer: 'What is the maximum number of Yorkshire puddings one person can fit on a single plate?' Doomsday spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

We're playing beyond ninety, everything is still on the line. Professor X nudges the ball tiny distances, no progress at all. The scientist catches the opponent late. At that position you're always walking a fine line between aggression and discipline. Free kick from Professor X curled into the area, Loki attacks it with a header. OHHH the header from the player goes over! In that role, he has got the timing and the leap, just needs a fraction more precision.

Toji Fushiguro with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Powerful run from Loki down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Good ball from Loki to Black Flash, playing it quick between the lines. Black Flash spreads the play and finds Iron Man in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin.

The team is resisting with real discipline, no cracks in the shape. Toji Fushiguro puts in a crunching challenge, all ball, no foul. The attacker's left with absolutely nothing. Toji Fushiguro sets it for Juggernaut, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Juggernaut sends Anakin Skywalker into acres of space with a clipped ball over the top. The defence turns, but it is way too late.

The jujutsu sorcerer throws it out to Juggernaut, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Juggernaut feeds Professor X in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lightning overlap from Professor X, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Chipped cross from Professor X over the block, Loki peels off and finds himself one on one with the keeper. Header from Loki, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork.

It's there! México No-Era-Penal tap it in from close range. Where was the marking?

Fifteen-yard belly slide from Satoru Gojo, arms out like an aeroplane. Loki follows in like he's skiing. Satoru Gojo arrives at a casual walk and flops on top last. The pile is three bodies deep. The physio is already panicking about someone's back.

Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there. Poor cross from the jedi, the keeper collects. From that flank, you need more precision to cause damage. We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. Quick one-two between Anakin Skywalker and Toji Fushiguro, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Toji Fushiguro plays it simple to Black Flash, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Anakin Skywalker winds up and FIRES! It's wide but it brushed the upright. Unlucky! The intensity has dropped to zero, both sides look jaded.

Iron defense, every ball cleared with authority. Satoru Gojo turns himself into a wall! He comes out, narrows the angle and smothers the lot. The keeper is IMPASSABLE. Emergency clearance from the ice hockey player, the ball travels fifty yards. In that role, knowing when to clear is just as important as knowing when to play. What positioning from Doomsday! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts.

Toji Fushiguro goes straight to the bus without showering. Sits at the back, hood up, headphones in. Satoru Gojo takes the seat across the aisle but doesn't try to talk. The motorway lights flicker past the window. Sometimes silence is the only honest response. Gary from Sheffield says seven Yorkshire puddings is the absolute minimum and anyone who says fewer is not to be trusted. Carvery voucher for Gary! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL for Casablanca Dima-Maghrib! What a howler at the back, that's been gifted to them.

Doomsday slides it to Juggernaut, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Cut-back along the turf from the superhero for Professor X. That kind of low delivery takes serious game intelligence. What composure from Professor X! On the pass from Iron Man, he does not rush and places his shot to the millimetre. GOAL!

Doomsday dives head-first into the back of the net and comes out with the ball between his teeth, eyes burning. Iron Man can't breathe he's laughing so hard. Satoru Gojo claps from his own box, the roar from the stadium cranks up another ten decibels.

What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. The jedi embarks on a solo run from his own half. In that position, a run like that is truly exceptional. GOOOAL from Anakin Skywalker with a LOB! The keeper tried to come out and Anakin Skywalker punishes him with a GENIUS chip! The ball rises, rises, clears him and drops into the goal. MASTERFUL!

Body feint from Anakin Skywalker, the defender slides the wrong way. That is embarrassing for the marker. Anakin Skywalker catches the attacker with a wild lunge, the referee has no choice but to blow up. Yellow card for the jedi, unsporting behaviour that sets a terrible example from that role. The jedi plays the free kick short instead of shooting. In that position, that kind of reading of the game at set pieces is pure football IQ. Firm pass from Iron Man into Black Panther, right into the boots. No waste.

The corner from the player is cleared at the near post. In that position, when your corners keep getting headed away, you need to mix up the delivery. Lifesaving clearance from Loki! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters. The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Short build-up from Juggernaut to Toji Fushiguro, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Toji Fushiguro feints right, goes left, the defender is completely wrong-footed.

The gaffer marches in and goes straight to the whiteboard without a word. He moves magnets around in silence while Professor X stares at the floor, hands on knees. Nobody speaks. The tension is thicker than a foggy Tuesday night in Stoke. Finally the boss breaks it: "We are not here to draw. Sort it out." Researchers at the entirely fictional Loughborough Institute of Pace claim Professor X once outran a mobility scooter in Blackpool. At 180 and 28 years old, the data was described as 'statistically irrelevant but spiritually important.' And now, our TV game show Saturday Night Takeaway Kebab! To win a doner kebab the size of your head, text 0800KEBAB and answer: 'At what hour on a Saturday night does a kebab become a medical necessity?' Toji Fushiguro spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

The ice hockey player intercepts the pass with textbook reading of the game. In that position, it is that intelligence that separates a good player from a great one. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. Phenomenal run from Professor X, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter. BY A WHISKER! Professor X fires and the ball shaves the right post before spinning out. The goal was right there.

Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered. The player overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon. Loki lobs it over the entire defence for Doomsday, that is laser-guided. The jujutsu sorcerer plucks the cross with both hands. In that position, when you have that authority in the air, your defence plays with their eyes closed. Satoru Gojo opts for the short option to Anakin Skywalker, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Incredible solo run from Professor X, he goes coast to coast with the ball, the opposition can only watch. Professor X is knocked off balance in the box by the defender. The referee looks, blows and points to the SPOT. PENALTY! The tension is thick enough to cut with a KNIFE! OFF THE POST! Professor X strikes his penalty but the woodwork says no! What cruelty! Clearance from the jujutsu sorcerer towards Iron Man, the ball covers the entire pitch. In his position, it is not just about the saves, the distribution matters too.

What a disaster! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

Satoru Gojo rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Doomsday jumps on his back, Satoru Gojo is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Satoru Gojo distributes short to Iron Man, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Iron Man picks out Toji Fushiguro with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Lovely use of the ball by Toji Fushiguro, finding Doomsday in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Free kick conceded by Doomsday, a nibble at the opponent's heels. Enough to bring him down. The free kick from Doomsday is floated in, Loki makes his run to the back post.

Black Panther uses Loki as a wall, the return is instant, Black Panther carries on into space. Crystal clear. The ice hockey player accelerates and flies down the channel. On that flank, a player with that speed changes everything. The ice hockey player pulls it back along the ground for Juggernaut. The low cut-back is his trademark.

Anakin Skywalker lays it off first time to Toji Fushiguro, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Toji Fushiguro links up with Black Panther, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. Black Panther puts Toji Fushiguro in on a plate with a clean pass into space. Not a defender within five yards. Offside trap catches Toji Fushiguro out. Black Flash played it quickly but not quickly enough.

1-1. Doomsday and Toji Fushiguro are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Doomsday. "Next time," replies Toji Fushiguro. And they vanish into the tunnel. Tommo from Newcastle says half eleven and not a minute sooner. The giant kebab is his! Coming up after the break: 'Escape to the Country, but the budget is £47 and the country is a layby near Swindon.' Dreams are free. Houses are not.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

1-1 (L)

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Doomsday spots the run from Juggernaut and slips it in behind the defence, inch-perfect! GOOOAL for Juggernaut! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Doomsday and Iron Man do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Satoru Gojo arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Satoru Gojo catapults the ball towards Professor X from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Professor X gives it to Toji Fushiguro into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Quick exchange between Toji Fushiguro and Loki, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Loki accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. The player bends the ball into the box for Black Panther. The kind of delivery that makes the difference in the big games.

The ice hockey player hacks it clear in a panic, the ball goes into touch. In that position, sometimes you do not look for the pass, you just clear it, and that is exactly what he did. They've got the ball but it's troubling absolutely nobody. The rhythm has gone entirely, this is attritional stuff with no cutting edge. Anakin Skywalker finds Doomsday between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Doomsday bounces it off Iron Man for a cutting one-two. It threads between two defenders, that is top quality.

They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass. Shifting pass from Black Panther to Doomsday, the ball drifts into the free zone and Doomsday is onto it in two strides. Pinpoint delivery from the computer scientist towards Juggernaut, the ball lands on a sixpence. In that position, crosses are half the job. Juggernaut outjumps everyone for this header but it does not find the target. Wide.

The player shifts the point of attack with an inch-perfect crossfield pass to Doomsday. Pure quality, as per usual. Doomsday rises like an eagle and wins the header. The ball is cleared far, the danger is over. Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. GO ON Iron Man! He SHOOOOOTS, it's on target but the keeper punches it clear with both fists!

The physio works on Satoru Gojo's calf while the boss talks. "Their right-back is bombing forward every time. Satoru Gojo, you get in behind him the second we win it back. Toji Fushiguro, play the ball early." The instructions are sharp, specific. This is a chess match now and the gaffer is moving his pieces. Here's one for the ages — Juggernaut is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 180, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 5959 and answer this question: 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Juggernaut squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Superb tackle from the player, cleans up the danger without breaking a sweat. When you've got a player like that in the role, you sleep easy at night. Smooth transition from Toji Fushiguro to Iron Man, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Dead time on the pitch, both sides happy to keep it ticking over. The midfielders are enjoying their little triangles but what's the point?

Lay-off from Juggernaut to Loki, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Loki slips Iron Man in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. The politician whips in a classic cross for Professor X in the box. When you have got that delivery from the flank, you cause havoc. Professor X meets the cross from Toji Fushiguro with his head but it goes over the bar! We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back.

GOAL! Dakar Teranga FC have made it count! The defence was caught ball-watching, criminal stuff.

Dead defender. Satoru Gojo mimes a sniper taking aim at the travelling support, finger pulled like a trigger, cold as ice. Toji Fushiguro completes the choreography by collapsing. Satoru Gojo arrives late, throws himself on the pile, sends a roar through the stands.

Satoru Gojo plays out from the back with Professor X, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Long ball from Professor X to Anakin Skywalker, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing. Anakin Skywalker rolls it to Iron Man, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The politician finds the gap that nobody else saw and puts Black Flash clean through. Pure genius from that position.

Free kick from Anakin Skywalker, lovely delivery and Professor X rises above the defence. Professor X sends a powerful header on the cross from Black Flash but it flies over. The whole stadium thought it was in. Black Flash throws himself at it and clears the ball just in time, he has saved the furniture with whatever was at hand. Black Panther launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Black Panther was flying.

1-1, 2-2, doesn't matter — it's a draw. Black Flash shakes the ref's hand on autopilot, already miles away. Professor X goes to applaud the travelling support — polite clap back. Nobody's sulking, but nobody's singing either. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Derek Blandford-Tepid, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'How fast can a disappointed Brit tut in miles per hour?'. The answer was of course Mach 2 on a Sunday, or Mach 4 if someone has pushed at the post office. Derek wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

1-2 (L)

Oh no, Douala Makossa-Corner score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Tremendous work from Loki who goes and wins the ball in the opposition half. The press is rewarded, recovery thirty yards from goal. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. OOOH GOAL from Professor X! On the assist from Loki, he curls it along the deck and the ball sneaks into the corner!

Magnificent reading of the game from Doomsday, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Good ball from the computer scientist to Toji Fushiguro, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. High recovery from Toji Fushiguro, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Toji Fushiguro keeps it short to Black Flash, no frills, just good football intelligence.

Loki takes the ball at his feet and drives fifty yards on his own. It is one man against the world. PENALTY! Loki is fouled in the box, the defender touched the player BEFORE the ball. The referee blows, it is clear as DAY. DECISIVE moment! Loki's penalty clatters the crossbar and bounces back! That is a nightmare. Beautiful distribution from Satoru Gojo to Professor X, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder.

Iron Man decides to carry the danger all by himself, he devours the pitch with fierce determination. Failed dribble from Iron Man, he tries to go past but the defender gets a foot in. Ball lost. What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end.

"You are playing like a bloody pub team!" The gaffer is purple with rage. "My Sunday league side would have put up more of a fight! Juggernaut, where were you for their second? Having a nap?" Juggernaut opens {his} mouth to respond and thinks better of it. This is not the time. A lovely aside — Satoru Gojo spent a rainy bank holiday assembling flat-pack furniture and documented the entire thing on Instagram Stories. It took nine hours, two breakdowns, and a trip to B&Q. At 180, he couldn't even fit the Allen key in his hand properly. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 0001 and answer this question: 'What is the boiling point of regret?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Satoru Gojo comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Textbook one-two between Juggernaut and Iron Man. The ball goes, comes back, and the defence is beaten. Pure football. Burst of speed from the superhero down the flank, the defender is eaten alive. When you have got that raw pace in that role, it is a nightmare for full-backs. Juggernaut plays it back across the box for Iron Man, the low cross is inch-perfect.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have done the damage! Their number nine wheeled away in celebration.

Satoru Gojo mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Juggernaut raises Satoru Gojo's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Satoru Gojo plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Loki puts his free kick on a sixpence into the area, Anakin Skywalker comes steaming in. Anakin Skywalker powers his header, the ball rockets over the crossbar. It was that close. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Doomsday to Professor X, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Professor X puts Anakin Skywalker into acres with a low ball into space. The defender watches it sail past, helpless. Driven cross from Anakin Skywalker into the box, Professor X arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal. Professor X swings in the corner, it's bedlam! The ball bounces around like a pinball, defense clears!

Absolutely immense from Juggernaut! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. The superhero plays it simple to Professor X, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes.

Juggernaut absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions. The momentum has well and truly shifted, one-way traffic now. Looping cross from Loki, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Juggernaut. Danger.

Black Panther sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul. Ball in behind from the ice hockey player, Loki is through on goal. That is the kind of pass that justifies the price tag all on its own. Strike from Loki that fizzes just wide! The ball licks the upright, so close to a goal. Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk.

Full time and it's a bitter one. Black Panther stands rooted to the spot, hands on hips, staring at nothing. Juggernaut walks past and squeezes his shoulder. No words needed. Douala Makossa-Corner are celebrating twenty yards away but it might as well be another planet. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Valerie Dampsworth, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the boiling point of regret?'. The answer was of course 73 degrees, which is the exact temperature of a bath you ran two hours ago. Valerie wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

1-1 (L)

Iron Man swoops like a bird of prey on the defender and rips the ball away. Devastating press, the opposition is suffocating. Step-overs from Iron Man, the defender is glued to the spot. That is a joy to watch. GOOOOOAL! Iron Man places it inside the post from the cross by Anakin Skywalker, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Iron Man rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Black Flash jumps on his back, Satoru Gojo is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

Free kick crossed in by the player into the box! In that position, putting deliveries like that into the area is what creates danger at every set piece. Black Flash tries to cross but it is deflected behind for a corner by the defender. Corner from Doomsday, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Anakin Skywalker looks up and launches a long pass towards Loki. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Loki beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Counter from their own goal, and all that just to butcher the cross. He shapes up, he shoots... WHAT A HIT from Professor X! On target but the keeper palms it onto the bar!

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Loki on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Loki pulls it back for Toji Fushiguro in the danger zone, the whole ground holds its breath. Toji Fushiguro lets fly with his left foot, WHAT A STRIIIIKE! On target but the keeper claws it away for a corner!

Both keepers are overworked, shots raining in from everywhere. Counter perfect until the last yard when everything goes haywire. Black Panther releases Toji Fushiguro with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Toji Fushiguro explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening.

The gaffer stops pacing and faces the squad: "We are lukewarm. And lukewarm does not win football matches. I need someone to grab this game by the throat." He stares directly at Professor X. "That is your job. 28 years old, best years of your life. Show me something." The room holds its breath. Planning records show Toji Fushiguro's neighbours filed a noise complaint after the 28-year-old installed a full-size goal in the back garden and practised penalties at half six in the morning. The fence has never recovered. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' Loki spits on {his} palms, old school, and rubs them together. Boots in the turf, eyes on the prize. The whistle goes. Game on.

They've scored! Lagos No-Carry-Last find the back of the net. Absolute disaster at the back.

Satoru Gojo stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Doomsday comes over and hugs him without a word.

The superhero lays it off first time to Anakin Skywalker, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Anakin Skywalker plays it into the channel for Black Flash, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Black Flash unleashes a strike that finishes in the car park. Not on target, not even close.

Satoru Gojo rolls it short to Iron Man into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. Good ball from the politician to Toji Fushiguro, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. One touch football: Toji Fushiguro to Black Panther, faster than the opposition can think. The overlap from Black Panther, he leaves the opposing full-back for dead. Floated cross from Black Panther off the right, Professor X has stationed himself on the penalty spot. Anything is possible.

The superhero lays it off first time to Black Flash, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Good ball from the player to Iron Man, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Sideways ball from Iron Man to Black Panther, switching the point of attack, stretching the block.

Panicked clearance from Doomsday, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done. They're monopolizing the ball but it's all hot air, nothing in the box. Juggernaut plays the simple ball to Toji Fushiguro, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Lazy pass from Toji Fushiguro, the ball drags along the ground and an opponent strolls over to collect. Win the ball, punch forward, the transition is electric!

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Black Flash wants to play it quick but the pass to Toji Fushiguro is wayward, lacking any precision. The computer scientist positions himself in the passing lane and intercepts the ball. In that role, reading the game is the invisible weapon, and he has just pulled it out at the perfect moment. Massive diagonal from Doomsday! Iron Man receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

Draw. Satoru Gojo takes the time to shake every Lagos No-Carry-Last player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Toji Fushiguro follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

2-3 (L)

The scientist presses high and forces the defender into an error. In that position, the ability to recover the ball that high up changes the entire complexion of a match. Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. The scientist places his shot to perfection on the cross from Anakin Skywalker, GOOOOAL! In that position, that finesse in the foot is pure gold.

Professor X fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Black Flash plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

OHHHH the HOWLER from Satoru Gojo! He makes a complete mess of it with his feet, the defence in tears! OHHH the goal from Juggernaut! The keeper was on the floor, the ball was loose, he prods it in at point-blank range. POACHER'S GOAL!

The ice hockey player puts in a ridiculous recovery run, comes from nowhere to save the day. In that position, that kind of effort is pure gold. The ice hockey player absolutely clatters the attacker with a wild lunge. That kind of recklessness has no place in that position. Red card! Black Panther has raised his hands to an opponent. There's no place for that in football. Black Panther hits the free kick but it bounces off the wall. Nothing doing.

Blistering solo run from Loki, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. The referee points to the penalty spot! Loki has been wrestled to the ground in the box by the defender. CLEAR decision, it is a penalty and this changes EVERYTHING! The player hits the post on the penalty! In that position, that bad luck is BRUTAL, but you have to keep your head up and carry on. Satoru Gojo distributes by hand to Toji Fushiguro on the flank, instant counter-attack launched.

Oh it's gone in! Barranquilla Toque-Toque find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

Knee slide from Satoru Gojo right up to the edge of the stands, high-fives every fan in the front row one by one. Black Flash does the same down the line. Satoru Gojo turns up late and blows kisses to both ends at once. Pure magic.

"It is a disgrace. An absolute disgrace." The gaffer repeats it twice because once was not enough. Toji Fushiguro grips the bench so hard {his} knuckles go white. Professor X is chewing the inside of {his} cheek raw. The scoreboard tells one story. The dressing room tells another, and it is even uglier. Satoru Gojo once tried to negotiate a personal sponsorship deal with a local car wash and was politely told the 37-year-old didn't have 'the right brand synergy.' The car wash later went bust — karma, some say. And now, our TV game show University Challenge Yourself! To win an umbrella that actually works, text 4012 and answer: 'How many consecutive days of rain does it take for a British person to mention the weather?' The floodlights feel brighter for the second half. Black Flash squints up at them, takes a deep breath, and takes {his} position. Forty-five minutes. Everything to play for.

Little shift from Anakin Skywalker to Doomsday, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Bit of a snoozer this, not much happening at either end. Raking ball from the ice hockey player to Iron Man, surgical precision. In that position, vision is half the job.

Oh no, Barranquilla Toque-Toque score a worldie! Fair play, but our hearts are sinking.

Satoru Gojo unfurls a banner hidden in his shorts: 'FOR THE LADS DOWN THE ROAD'. The home end erupts. Juggernaut makes a heart sign with his hands. Satoru Gojo finally shows up, completely out of breath, collapses next to them.

The jedi switches the play to Juggernaut, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Juggernaut looks for Iron Man but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in. High recovery from Juggernaut, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Counter on the turn, they've exploded forward like a sprung trap. Oh my word Anakin Skywalker fires and it goes JUST wide! The post must have felt the breeze.

Black Panther spots Juggernaut in acres of space on the far side and sends a sixty-yard pass. Maximum awareness. Juggernaut throws himself into the tackle and comes out with the ball. That's pure desire, that is. The superhero plays it simple to Toji Fushiguro, neat little ball into feet. Tidy.

And that's a goal! Barranquilla Toque-Toque extend their lead. We are in deep trouble here.

Loki unleashes a raking ball out to Iron Man, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Through ball from the computer scientist for Anakin Skywalker, the centre-halves are sliced apart like salami. In that position, that is the difference between good and elite. Overlap from the jedi with pure pace. That is exactly what you want from a player in that position: drive and destroy.

Huge interception from Toji Fushiguro! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Lightning-quick counter, they've torn up the pitch in six seconds flat. Brilliant pass from Black Flash! The ball cuts through the defence like a hot knife through butter and Black Panther is onto it. Offside against the ice hockey player, who mistimed his run on Loki's pass.

Waves of attack crashing down, something has to give soon. Anakin Skywalker shoots but the defender gets his body in at just the right moment. Shot neutralised, defence breathes again. Toji Fushiguro crosses towards Iron Man but the defender reads the flight and deflects it away. Massive clearance from the jedi under pressure. It is the basics of the role: when it gets hot, you send the ball as far away as possible.

It's not our day and everyone knows it. Loki shakes the ref's hand — barely — and walks off. Juggernaut is already on the bench, head in hands, replaying that missed chance on a loop. The physio drapes a jacket over his shoulders. Cold night. Cold result. Arthur from Stoke-on-Trent says zero consecutive days because a true Brit mentions it before it even starts. Arthur wins the umbrella! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

PENALTY! Black Panther is brought down inside the 18-yard box! The defender went in with studs showing, the referee points to the spot. The TENSION is palpable, this is a KEY moment. Black Panther's penalty clatters the left post and comes back! What an incredible twist of fate. Toji Fushiguro is in the box like a VULTURE! On the deflected ball, he prods it in at point-blank range. GOAL!

Iron Man takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared. Loki lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive.

Overlap from Professor X on the left, he bombs towards the byline at full tilt. Wasted cross from Professor X, the keeper collects easily in his six-yard box. No danger whatsoever. Long ball from Satoru Gojo for Iron Man who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy. The politician opens up to Juggernaut on the far side. That is exactly the kind of pass he is paid to deliver.

Textbook tackle from Juggernaut there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted. Juggernaut spreads it to Black Panther, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Black Panther sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Free kick conceded by the ice hockey player, clips the opponent from behind. Part of the defensive duties, you have to stop the runner. The ice hockey player is cautioned for accumulated fouls. A booking in that position could cost the team dearly.

Oh my word, the scramble from Professor X's corner! Three attempts blocked, the defense survives by the skin of their teeth! Doomsday launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty. Doomsday loses the header against the towering forward. The size difference told the story.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Satoru Gojo reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Toji Fushiguro cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." Now Doomsday — bless him — once showed up to pre-season training with a sunburn so severe he looked like a Drumstick lolly. Spent one afternoon in Margate without suncream. At 180, there's a lot of surface area to burn, in fairness. And now, our TV game show Who Dares Bins! To win a wheelie bin with your name stencilled on it, text 0800BIN and answer: 'What happens if you put your bins out on the wrong day?' Right then, part two. Professor X adjusts {his} shin pads one last time and looks up. The floodlights catch the determination in {his} eyes. Forty-five minutes to make it count.

Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper. Smooth transition from Juggernaut to Black Flash, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Cut-back from Black Flash, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Iron Man. NOOOOO the politician fluffs it in front of an empty net! Black Panther had done everything. In that role, you simply cannot miss those. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages.

What a mess! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Crunching tackle from Anakin Skywalker on the attacker, he's gone right through him there. Straight red for Anakin Skywalker, he's lashed out with his fist. That's a three-match ban minimum. The jedi floats his free kick into the danger zone. In that position, that quality of delivery from dead balls is an absolute weapon. Aerial duel won by the computer scientist, he crushes it in the air. When you have that leap in that role, you rule your box.

Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. Wicked through ball from Professor X, the ball skims the grass and finds Toji Fushiguro who had set off before anyone else even noticed. The player was beyond the last man when Doomsday played it. Clear offside. The jujutsu sorcerer finds Anakin Skywalker with a pinpoint kick. The kind of keeper who starts as many attacks as he stops. The jedi finds Loki along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average.

Black Panther slides it to Professor X, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Good ball from the scientist to Iron Man, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Iron Man feeds Black Flash in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Overlap and cross from Anakin Skywalker, the ball drops at the feet of Professor X in the heart of the box. The cross from Professor X is intercepted at the near post, the defender has done the hard yards. Corner from Iron Man into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Black Flash steps across to cut the passing lane and comes away with possession. It is subtle, it is clean, it is absolutely top class. Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal.

Level. Toji Fushiguro picks up his captain's armband from where he'd dropped it mid-match and tucks it carefully into his kitbag. Doomsday waits by the door. "Right. Shall we?" "Let's." Nothing more. Some nights the words aren't needed. Sandra from Rotherham says neighbourhood exile and possible prosecution. The personalised wheelie bin is hers! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

1-3 (L)

Juggernaut throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Transition of the highest order, lightning pace and clinical execution. What a MISSILE from Iron Man! The strike is so powerful the keeper had no time to dive. GOAL!

Juggernaut weaves through Buenos Aires Pecho Frío's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Professor X screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Satoru Gojo runs to the technical area, kisses the assistant coach's tablet, drops it — it shatters, the analyst goes mental. Loki gathers the bits laughing. The gaffer has his head in his hands, half-amused, half-murderous.

Granite block, the opposition breaks its teeth on it. Emergency clearance from Toji Fushiguro, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Black Flash pings a ridiculous diagonal to Anakin Skywalker. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat.

GOAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío have broken through! Their forward buried it into the bottom corner.

Satoru Gojo runs the entire perimeter of the pitch, slapping every hand sticking out of the fence. It takes him nearly two minutes. The roar follows him round the ground. Satoru Gojo tries to keep up and gives up at the halfway line.

Loki sends the free kick in front of goal, Juggernaut leaps to try the header. Oh what a mess from Juggernaut's corner! Nobody can get a clean touch, a defender hacks it clear! The superhero strikes but the defender gets his body in the way. In that position, it happens, don't hesitate to pull the trigger again. Instinctive clearance from Black Flash who pokes the ball away with his toe. It was going wrong but he has saved the day.

The gaffer points at Loki: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Loki clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. The 74-year-old Black Panther has been spotted playing Snake on a Nokia 3310 in the tunnel before kickoff. At 180, the big man hunched over a tiny phone is a sight that haunts opposition defenders. And now, our TV game show Dragon's Den of Iniquity! To win a genuine Peter Jones raised eyebrow, text 5123 and answer: 'For that reason, how many dragons are typically out?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Loki leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

It's in the back of the net! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío celebrate and our fans are gutted.

Satoru Gojo stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Black Flash comes over and hugs him without a word.

The politician cuts open the lines with an inch-perfect pass for Loki. When you have got that kind of vision, you change a game in a heartbeat. The player is caught offside by millimetres on Iron Man's pass, what a cruel call. A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

The ice hockey player reads the play and puts in a textbook challenge. That's the sort of awareness you need in that position, and he's delivered it perfectly. Black Panther to Professor X, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. Professor X rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Doomsday. The far side is completely deserted.

Iron Man takes his corner to the near post but a defender is there to cut it out. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart. The player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. Low cut-back from the player for Black Panther. The bare minimum for a wide player, but delivered with outrageous quality. Black Panther fires with his left but the defender intervenes and deflects the shot. The defence holds.

Doomsday sends an aerial beauty to Black Flash, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile. Perfectly executed challenge by Black Flash, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Black Flash finds Doomsday between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch.

Black Panther plays it simple to Juggernaut, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Juggernaut takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Failed dribble from the superhero, the defender recovers. It happens, but in that role you expect better decision-making. Decisive interception from the player, he cut out the passing lane as if he knew the opposition game plan. That is exactly what you want from a player in that role. Toji Fushiguro boots it into touch with a last-ditch sliding clearance, the effort is desperate but it does the business.

Corner from Professor X, Iron Man jumps highest but his header flies over the bar. The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Doomsday rolls it to Anakin Skywalker, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation.

Clearance from Toji Fushiguro under pressure, the ball flies into touch on the far side. It is not in the coaching manual but it works. Quiet as a library out there, no tempo, no edge, no quality. A team possessed now, everything is clicking into place. Cross from the right by Anakin Skywalker, the ball sails over everyone and drops towards Iron Man at the back post.

That's that, then. Doomsday trudges off with his socks rolled down and his head somewhere else entirely. Juggernaut hangs back to applaud the fans who stayed — there aren't many, but they're still singing. Loyalty like that deserves a nod. Janice from Bristol says typically all five dragons are out but they wish you the very best of luck. Raised eyebrow for Janice! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

1-2 (L)

Rainbow flick from Anakin Skywalker, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. The jedi produces a phenomenal slalom and scores all on his own! GOAL! In that position, that individual talent is what sets you apart from the rest.

The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Doomsday plays it simple to Professor X, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Nutmeg from Professor X on his marker, the ball pops out the other side. Disrespectful. Lovely use of the ball by Professor X, finding Juggernaut in a tight pocket of space. Quality.

It's hit the back of the net! Rio Malandro FC lead and we look completely lost.

Satoru Gojo climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Anakin Skywalker films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Satoru Gojo sparks the transition with a quick throw to Black Panther, the break is lightning fast. Black Panther opens up to Doomsday on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. The computer scientist shifts Anakin Skywalker into space, pass weighted to the millimetre. That is his bread and butter, he could do it blindfolded. Anakin Skywalker reaches the byline and rolls it back along the ground, Doomsday receives it in the box. It is on a plate. Doomsday goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet.

Doomsday picks out Black Flash with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Black Flash lays it off first time to Professor X, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Professor X gives it straight to the opposition, completely misplaced pass. The pressure is building. Doomsday launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Satoru Gojo sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Toji Fushiguro has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Reports suggest that Iron Man once drove forty-five minutes in the wrong direction because he refused to use a sat-nav. Said it was 'cheating.' Eventually stopped at a Little Chef that had been closed since 2012. The man is 246 and proud of it. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' Satoru Gojo is the last one out of the tunnel, laces done up tight, sleeves rolled up proper. The look on {his} face says everything. Let us get on with it.

Black Flash overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Cross from Black Flash off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Juggernaut at the far side. The cross from Juggernaut is blocked by the defender who was in the right position. Unlucky. Loki clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival.

Raid from Black Flash starting in his own half, he eats up the pitch and arrives in front of goal. Moment of madness. Black Flash lets fly but it shaves the woodwork, not far off! Hollow dominance, not a single dangerous move on show.

The ice hockey player launches the ball skyward under pressure from the attacker. It is not glamorous, but in that position it is exactly that kind of action that prevents disasters. Stodgy, sluggish football, the entertainment has drained out of the game. Black Flash slides it to Toji Fushiguro, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Toji Fushiguro finds Black Panther with a cut-back along the turf, the ball glides across the surface like it is on rails. Oh no Black Panther! Served on a plate by Juggernaut, all alone with an open goal, and he fires wide!

Dangerous play from Iron Man! He's left the ground and caught the attacker high. That's reckless. The politician picks up a caution for a high boot. He needs to keep his discipline from that spot. The free kick from Iron Man lands right on Loki in the heart of the box. What a delivery! Loki rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

Disaster! Rio Malandro FC score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Satoru Gojo weaves through Rio Malandro FC's defenders to reach his own fans, waving his arms to whip up the stand. Every step is chanted. Black Flash screams 'COME OOOON!' next to him. World Cup final vibes in a league match.

Iron Man fires the ball over to Anakin Skywalker with a raking pass, the pitch opens up like a book. Attempted pass from Anakin Skywalker to Black Panther, but it is way too firm, flies out for a throw-in on the far side. Lovely anticipation from the computer scientist who cuts out the opposition pass. In his position, that kind of interception is worth as much as a goal. Superb diagonal from the computer scientist to Professor X, the ball sails across the entire pitch. When you have got that wand of a foot, you use it.

The computer scientist switches the play to Toji Fushiguro, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Toji Fushiguro wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination. Devastating burst of pace from Toji Fushiguro, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank. Toji Fushiguro gets down the left and pulls it back low, Black Flash is stationed on the penalty spot. Deflected shot from the player, the defender makes himself big. In that role, the technique was there but the block was perfect.

Final whistle, final nail. Iron Man pulls his shirt over his face and walks blind toward the tunnel. Toji Fushiguro gently steers him past a camera crew. Some moments don't need broadcasting. The fans drift away in ones and twos, collars up, hands in pockets. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

1-1 (L)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. GOOOOAL for Anakin Skywalker! BLISTERING 20-yard rocket, the keeper did not even see the ball leave!

Anakin Skywalker climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Black Panther films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Gorgeous crossfield ball from Black Flash to Doomsday, the kind of pass you see in highlight reels. Take a bow. What a leap from Doomsday! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Good ball from Doomsday to Iron Man, playing it quick between the lines. Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Crucial intervention from the computer scientist, wins the tackle cleanly and recycles possession. In that role, timing is everything, and his was spot on. Doomsday finds Black Panther between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. The ice hockey player roasts the full-back on the wing. That kind of acceleration in that role creates overloads and turns matches on their head. One touch football: Black Panther to Professor X, faster than the opposition can think.

Doomsday clears in a panic off his weaker foot, it is not clean but it is out. The important thing is the ball is miles away. Flat atmosphere, flat game, everyone looks half asleep. The referee spots the foul by Iron Man, a push in the back on the opponent. Iron Man picks up a caution for that crude tackle from behind. The minimum really.

With one swing of the boot, Juggernaut finds Black Panther on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. The ice hockey player rises above everyone and wins the header. In that position, aerial dominance is what separates the good from the great. Black Panther launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out.

Nobody is talking but everyone is thinking. Doomsday reties {his} laces for the fourth time. Black Panther cracks {his} neck left, then right. The scoreline is level and the anxiety is palpable. The gaffer finally speaks: "Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes of proper intensity at the start of the second half and we win this." A cracking detail — Black Flash, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show QI: Quite Irrelevant! To win a Thermos flask and a waterproof hat, text 5012 and answer: 'How many different words do British people have for light rain?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Juggernaut high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

The jujutsu sorcerer throws it out to Juggernaut, quick and clever. When your last line of defence plays this well with his feet, it changes everything. Juggernaut senses the pass coming and cuts the trajectory. The opponent is dispossessed without even being touched. That is football at its beautiful best. Juggernaut heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one.

Oh that's heartbreaking! Istanbul Cehennem FK score right on the stroke of half-time.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Satoru Gojo is at the centre, lifted up by Professor X and Satoru Gojo, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. Istanbul Cehennem FK's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

The computer scientist lays it off first time to Black Panther, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Lay-off from Black Panther to Juggernaut out wide, the ball rolls down the channel like it is on rails. Perfect cut-back from Juggernaut, Black Panther receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario.

Toji Fushiguro reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. The player boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence. Enormous anticipation from Black Flash who intercepts and kills the opposition attack stone dead. The pressing has paid off. Telepathic pass from Black Flash to Professor X, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. The scientist has a pop, it's wide but grazes the post. In that position, having the bravery to shoot is good, just needs a fraction more accuracy.

The computer scientist produces the tackle of the match, impeccable timing and technique. That ability to read the game defensively from that position is absolutely priceless. Doomsday launches a forty-yard crossfield pass to Black Flash, ambitious, clean, and it comes off beautifully. Overlap on the left from Black Flash, floated cross towards Loki who rises highest at the far post. Corner from Loki and it's pure MAYHEM in the six-yard box! The defense just about survives! Massive hit from Doomsday, BOOOOM! On target but the keeper is absolutely commanding. Huge stop.

Tackle miles off from Juggernaut, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. The jujutsu sorcerer parries it into the middle, scramble in the box. In that position, you are paid to either catch it or clear it, not gift balls to the attackers. Monster clearance from Doomsday! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone.

1-1 and off we go. Toji Fushiguro hands his shirt to a kid in the front row, the smile comes back a little. Doomsday does the same few metres down the line. Not a win, but not a shame either. And the kids couldn't care less — they got a shirt. Patricia from Norwich says at least thirty-seven words including spitting, mizzle, and a bit damp. Thermos and hat for Patricia! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-3 (L)

It's in! Milano Piano-Piano take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Satoru Gojo runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Doomsday gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

Royal interception from Doomsday! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. They've broken like lightning, the keeper's the only man left to beat. GOOOOL from Professor X! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Raw emotion: Doomsday cracks, falls to his knees sobbing on the turf, Anakin Skywalker crouches beside him and speaks softly. Satoru Gojo jogs over, scoops them both into a hug. The cameras zoom on the trio. Full-on humanity on display.

Quick throw from Satoru Gojo to Anakin Skywalker out wide, sharp and clever distribution. Off we go. Good ball from Anakin Skywalker to Black Panther, playing it quick between the lines. Black Panther puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Chipped cross from Black Panther over the defensive wall, Loki collects it behind the back line. Loki gets his head on it, good timing but wrong direction, it drifts wide.

Black Flash dives in studs first on the attacker, completely mistimed and extremely dangerous. Red card for Black Flash! He's headbutted an opponent, that is disgraceful behaviour. The free kick from Black Flash is sent to the near post, Professor X rushes in to meet it. Professor X goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags.

Toji Fushiguro intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Toji Fushiguro changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Black Flash. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Burst of speed from Black Flash, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive. Black Flash crosses into thin air, nobody at the end of it. That is a waste of possession. The superhero boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

"You are having a laugh, aren't you?" The gaffer's voice drips with sarcasm. "Honestly, I thought I was watching a different team out there. Loki, you have barely touched the ball. Black Flash, you have given it away six times. SIX TIMES. We are getting absolutely battered and you lot look like you could not care less." Bit of a scoop for you — Professor X plays Sunday league football under a fake name during the off-season. Goes by 'Dave from Accounts' and plays centre-mid for the Dog and Duck. At 28, the man just loves the game. And now, our TV game show Would I Lie to the Council! To win planning permission for a shed, text 0800SHED and answer: 'How many forms does it take to get planning permission for a garden shed two inches too tall?' Forty-five minutes left on the clock. Juggernaut knows it, the fans know it, even the bloke selling pies behind the away end knows it. This is where it matters.

Oh that's poor! Milano Piano-Piano score from a set piece. We switched off completely.

Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. Black Panther shifts it to Anakin Skywalker with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

Decisive interception from Doomsday who cuts out the opposition's attempt to build from the back. The ball was meant for a striker on the run, but Doomsday saw it all. Doomsday swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Iron Man, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Dominant header from Iron Man on the corner, he outmuscles his marker and wins the aerial duel. The ground shakes. Iron Man loses his aerial duel against the opposition midfielder, he could not get position before the jump.

Good ball from the player to Black Panther, playing it quick between the lines. That is what he does. Brilliant opening from Black Panther for Loki, frees up the entire left flank. Offside by a toenail for the player, Anakin Skywalker can't believe the flag went up. The referee's been called over to the monitor. Nobody knows which way this is going. The player sees his goal ruled out by VAR! In that position, they don't come around often, so this one hurts.

What a game, the ball flying from left to right, nobody in control anymore. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Loki floats it into the gap for Iron Man, the ball skims through the grass and arrives at just the right spot.

Nightmare! Milano Piano-Piano score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Satoru Gojo climbs onto Black Panther's shoulders, arms spread, like a living statue in the centre circle. Satoru Gojo circles round them pretending to take photos with an imaginary phone. The Kop chants 'Champions' at full volume.

Doomsday climbs above everyone on the corner from Anakin Skywalker but his header is too wide. Satoru Gojo goes long for Anakin Skywalker, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Anakin Skywalker wants to find Professor X between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted. Enormous press from Professor X who wins the ball thirty yards from goal. The opponent buckled under the pressure. The scientist unleashes a rocket, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is there. In that position, having that kind of shooting ability is a proper weapon.

Black Flash hounds the goalkeeper on his distribution and wins the ball on the edge of the box. Audacity rewarded. Nutmeg from Black Flash, the ball goes through the defender's legs. Get the camera on that. Black Flash unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though.

Tough one against Milano Piano-Piano. Black Panther and Doomsday are the last two off the pitch, like students who don't want to face the headteacher. The tunnel swallows them up. The floodlights buzz. The stands are empty. Football is brilliant and cruel in equal measure. Roger from St Albans says forty-seven forms and a two-year waiting period for the shed. Planning permission granted for Roger! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

0-1 (L)

Interception from Toji Fushiguro right through the middle, he anticipated the switch of play and placed himself right in the passing lane. Pure intelligence. Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Iron Man aims for Black Flash but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out.

We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep. Loads of ball, no ideas, we're waiting for someone to try something. The superhero reads the movement before anyone else and puts Loki into space. In that position, that is the kind of pass that changes a game.

Nice combination started by the politician from the free kick. In that position, knowing when to shoot and when to play it short makes you a real threat at every dead ball. Toji Fushiguro slides it to Iron Man, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

Satoru Gojo launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Professor X after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. Professor X shifts it to Black Flash with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Toji Fushiguro. That is exactly why he is out there.

Smooth transition from Toji Fushiguro to Professor X, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Lovely use of the ball by Professor X, finding Juggernaut in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Juggernaut curls a cross to the near post, Anakin Skywalker is lurking in the box. Header from the jedi, it flies wide! In that role, aerial ability matters and he was so close to scoring there. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare.

The gaffer points at Satoru Gojo: "You are coming off at sixty minutes. I need someone out there who actually wants to play football, not a passenger." Satoru Gojo clenches {his} jaw. The room goes cold. Being publicly called out in front of your mates is the worst feeling in football. Iron Man reportedly cannot fall asleep without listening to the Shipping Forecast on Radio 4. The 246-year-old claims Viking, North Utsire brings inner peace — teammates call it absolutely mental. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a potato peeler from Argos, text 2525 and answer this question: 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?' The second period begins and Anakin Skywalker launches a crossfield ball within ten seconds. Statement of intent right there. The second half will not be like the first.

GOAL! Sevilla Olé-Olé have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

The player lays it off first time to Loki, fluid stuff, exactly what you expect from a player of that calibre. Short pass from the player to Iron Man, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. Iron Man spots Toji Fushiguro peeling off and sends a ball in behind the full-back. The space is massive. The assistant spots it, Toji Fushiguro was offside by a whisker when Doomsday played the ball.

The player switches the play to Iron Man, fifty-yard crossfield ball. That is his bread and butter. Iron Man picks out Doomsday with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Short pass from the computer scientist to Anakin Skywalker, no frills, just efficiency. The bare minimum for someone at this level. The one-two between Anakin Skywalker and Black Panther blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Satoru Gojo fires it out quickly by hand to Loki, the opposition defence is not set yet. Smart. Loki forces a pass to Juggernaut who was not in position. Bad read, ball gone. Juggernaut thumps the danger clear with a powerful boot, the ball sails the length of the pitch. The crowd roars, that is a soldier's work.

Long kick from Satoru Gojo, Toji Fushiguro positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Dreadful pass from Toji Fushiguro, lands three yards away from the target. Juggernaut can do nothing with that. Loki produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly. Solo charge from Anakin Skywalker, he sets off from his own box and carries the ball the full length of the field.

Loki whips the inswinging corner in but a defender cuts out the cross at the front post. Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. The scientist lets fly and it's on target! Keeper pushes it for a corner. In that position, having the courage to pull the trigger is what sets you apart.

A loss that will linger. Black Panther drives home alone, the radio off, the replay running in his head on repeat. Toji Fushiguro texts him at midnight: "Chin up. We're still in this." Three dots appear. Disappear. Then: "Yeah. I know." Short texts, big feelings. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Nigel Bottomsworth-Crumpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What breed of dog is technically a biscuit?'. The answer was of course the Lincolnshire Digestive Hound, which crumbles if you stroke it too firmly. Nigel wins this magnificent potato peeler from Argos! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

1-1 (L)

GOAAAL! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein score! That's a hammer blow, the fans are stunned into silence.

Pitch-length run from the scientist, he beats everyone in his path. In that role, it is the kind of run that lives long in the memory. PENALTY awarded! Professor X enters the box with the ball and the defender catches him with a late tackle. The referee is CERTAIN. Every heart in the stadium is RACING! GOOOOOAL! Professor X winds up and fires top corner, the keeper was rooted. PENALTY CONVERTED!

Supersonic transition, but the final shot ends up in the clouds. The player spots the run and threads a beauty in behind the defence for Doomsday. That is exactly why he is out there. Doomsday is flagged offside, frustrating for Black Panther who played a lovely ball through. Short restart from the jujutsu sorcerer to Professor X, building out from the back. The modern keeper is basically an eleventh outfield player. Professor X delivers a tidy ball to Loki, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Lovely interception from Toji Fushiguro, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Ball won high, counter away, it's a proper turbo-charged break. Iron Man hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Iron Man puts everything into that strike, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper is unbeatable today.

They've got the bit between their teeth, this is fantastic to watch. Professor X shoots but it's deflected by the defender who threw himself in like a hero. The cross from Iron Man is blocked by the centre-back. The back line is not letting anything through. The jedi boots it into the stands to clear the danger. In his position, that kind of clearance is not wasteful, it is survival intelligence.

"Right, hands up, who thinks that was good enough?" The gaffer scans the room. Not a single hand goes up. Satoru Gojo shifts uncomfortably on the bench. Doomsday picks at the tape on {his} wrist. "Exactly," says the boss. "Because it was not. We are better than this and every single one of you knows it." Unconfirmed reports suggest Satoru Gojo received a lifetime ban from a Wetherspoons in Croydon after an incident involving a quiz machine and a pint of Doom Bar. The 37-year-old denies everything. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 4466 and answer this question: 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?' Here come the lads. Toji Fushiguro jogs out at the back of the group, quiet, focused, the game plan clear in {his} head. Time to deliver.

The scientist puts his corner in but it is cleared. In that position, the quality of your delivery from corners is what separates danger from damp squibs. Almighty boot from Iron Man who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Change of flanks from Juggernaut, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Anakin Skywalker. Quick exchange between Anakin Skywalker and Doomsday, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Doomsday nicks a crucial ball off the defender, recovery twenty-five yards from goal. The opposition defence is in a state of panic.

Nutmeg from the player on the defender. Close-quarters dribbling is the trademark of the very best in that role. Tactical foul from Loki, grabs the shirt to stop the break. Ref spots it instantly. Booking for the player, tactical foul to prevent the counter. It's bred into that position. Short free kick from the player, clever stuff! In that position, mixing up direct shots and combinations is the key to troubling any defence.

Toji Fushiguro anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Diagonal from Toji Fushiguro to Iron Man, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Aerial duel lost by Iron Man, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. WHAT A SAVE from the jujutsu sorcerer! That kind of keeper wins you matches all on his own.

Black Panther hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Surface-level dominance, not one incisive moment.

Massive clearance from Black Panther in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished. The game is crying out for a moment of magic, nothing's happening. Loki shifts it to Juggernaut with a short pass, threading it between two defenders. Juggernaut beats his man with a sharp dribble, instant change of direction.

Completely sterile passage of play, neither side wants to take the initiative. Black Panther sets it for Loki, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. The player rolls it back along the ground for Doomsday. The kind of ball that tears defensive lines apart in the big matches. Doomsday trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Black Panther had done it all, what an absolute waste. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill.

1-1. Iron Man and Doomsday are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Iron Man. "Next time," replies Doomsday. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'In which year did the pork pie achieve sentience in Barnsley?'. The answer was of course 2019, though it immediately requested to be left alone, which is very Barnsley. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Coming up: 'Gogglebox, but the families are watching Gogglebox watching Gogglebox.' It's telly-ception. Nobody knows what's real anymore. The dog seems fine with it.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

1-2 (L)

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Anakin Skywalker fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Professor X throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Professor X lets his AERIAL GAME do the talking! On the cross from Loki, he scores with his head with crazy authority. GOAL!

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Anakin Skywalker is at the centre, lifted up by Black Flash and Satoru Gojo, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

GOAL for London Three-Pints! A sucker punch on the counter. We committed too many forward.

The pile at the corner flag. Satoru Gojo is at the bottom, you count seventeen shirts, even the physio and the third-choice keeper are in there. Satoru Gojo arrives from the other side at full sprint and dives on top. Two fans scaling the fence.

The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Shot from the politician into the clouds! In that role, can't fault him for trying but the ball's gone on holiday. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline.

The player slides in with a perfect tackle and wins the ball. That's exactly the kind of intervention you want from someone in that position. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. The scientist overlaps on the wing and leaves the full-back for dead. In that position, pace is the ultimate weapon.

The crowd can sense it, something's about to give. Loki floats a cross in from the wing for Iron Man, the ball hangs in the box! Huge aerial duel won by Iron Man, he jumped so high he could have caught a passing plane.

Someone has kicked over the medical kit and there are ice packs and tape rolls scattered across the floor. Nobody picks them up. Doomsday sits among the debris, boots off, staring at the wall. Black Panther has not said a word since coming in. The gaffer surveys the wreckage, literal and metaphorical, and takes a deep breath before delivering his verdict. Leaked texts reveal Black Panther tried to blag a dodgy MOT for a mate's Fiat Punto, only to discover the mechanic was a massive fan. The 74-year-old got a free air freshener and a lecture about brake pads. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 8811 and answer this question: 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Doomsday wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

They've got the ball but no idea what to do with it, dull viewing. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it. Brilliant switch of play from Black Flash! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Black Panther.

They've scored! London Three-Pints break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Toji Fushiguro clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. Loki goes crossfield to Black Flash, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Lovely quick transition, but the final decision-making is terrible. Superb pass from Loki into the gap for Black Flash, the defender is rooted to the spot. Pull-back from Black Flash along the ground, Loki is in position in the area. Clean as you like.

Toji Fushiguro dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Toji Fushiguro links up with Iron Man, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Possession for possession's sake, not a single cross or shot.

Satoru Gojo sends an absolute rocket towards Iron Man, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch. The politician finds Anakin Skywalker along the ground, clean and tidy. That kind of pass looks easy but it takes a reading of the game that is way above average. Anakin Skywalker beats his marker with a body feint, the defender buys it completely.

Iron Man whips the free kick into the box for Black Flash, dangerous delivery! The player wins the aerial duel with authority. In that position, heading is the foundation, and he has just reminded everyone why he starts. Quick exchange between Black Flash and Professor X, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Professor X does not let up and steals the ball right from the defender's feet.

Free kick played short by the politician! In that position, having the game intelligence to mix up your free kicks is what makes a team unpredictable. Juggernaut bombs down the right and swings in a floated cross, Black Flash wins the aerial battle. Satoru Gojo comes off his six-yard line and gathers with both hands. The keeper is the boss of his zone.

Lost it. Juggernaut kicks a water bottle across the dressing room. Nobody flinches — they've all been there. Toji Fushiguro hands him a towel without a word. The gaffer waits for the anger to pass before speaking. "Right. Let's talk about what we do next." And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the shelf life of a broken promise in Scunthorpe?'. The answer was of course roughly six weeks, or until the next council election, whichever comes first. Gerald wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! And now: 'Cash in the Attic, but the attic is a storage unit in Croydon and everything in it is slightly damp.' Emotional valuations guaranteed.