My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇸🇬
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | My Team | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Now let's talk about the man who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Shaquille O'Neal. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 216 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This man doesn't walk, he glides. He doesn't jump, he launches into orbit. And when he locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. Moment of truth, folks. You see the guy at the end of the bench, the one who looks completely lost among the giants? That's Charlie Kirk. A conspiracy theorist in civilian life. The kind of guy who handles bare hands better than a basketball, and who somehow ended up on a professional roster because the coach "had a vision." A vision, ladies and gentlemen. Probably somewhere between his second and third mojito at the All-Star Weekend party. Charlie Kirk has a unique playing style: he runs a lot, understands very little, and has an unfortunate tendency to treat the game and the basketball exact same way. The fans already love him. Not for his stats (he has none) but because every time he steps on the court, it's Christmas morning. The budget here is absolutely insane, we're talking stratosphere money. This is Warriors and Suns territory. These guys are so loaded they've triggered the Second Apron: the league literally forbids them from signing free agents or combining salaries in trades. They have zero flexibility, handcuffed by their own damn wealth. It's "championship or crash and burn," no in-between.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
97-121 (L)
LeBron James, this basketball god, draws first blood! A half-court heave to start!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, gets stuffed trying a double-clutch layup! Denied!
This multi-time All-Star Tim Duncan with turnover number points! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
Shaquille O'Neal loses the screen battle! Limited stamina around the picks!
Tyler Robinson dunks the Spalding with flair and hits a thunderous slam! Sensational!
Halftime whistle. Charlie Kirk has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Locker room intel: Charlie Kirk has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This all-time great LeBron James shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Charlie Kirk whiffs on the jumper! A conspiracy theorist off their game with their bare hands!
Tyler Robinson traps with the double! Trapping them, the researcher knows how to corner prey!
Charlie Kirk slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
Shaquille O'Neal walks off in silence. This all-time great gave it all but it wasn't enough.
LeBron James claps his hands in frustration. Tim Duncan clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
134-88 (W)
Tip-off! Shaquille O'Neal gets us started! Let's go!
LeBron James shoots past everyone for a bucket! This absolute unit on a mission!
Charlie Kirk reads the defense! Studying them like it's conspiracy theorist homework!
Tyler Robinson punishes the defense! A researcher punishing the unknown variable with precision!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal holds ground from way beyond the arc! Immovable object!
Halftime whistle! Tyler Robinson grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Confession: Tyler Robinson calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Shaquille O'Neal hits a scoop layup! Nerves of steel proving to be the difference tonight!
Charlie Kirk and the starters head to the bench! Job done, game over!
Shaquille O'Neal, this franchise cornerstone, accidentally chest-bumps the ref! Excuse me sir!
LeBron James blows past to center court! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! This potential GOAT owns the moment!
Tim Duncan, this titan, takes the final bow! A raised fist! Dominant display!
Charlie Kirk dumps his Gatorade on Tim Duncan who screams because it was cold. Tyler Robinson piles on. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
109-86 (W)
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal comes out firing! A bucket in the first minute!
Tyler Robinson finishes the fast break! Sprinting like a researcher who's running late!
Charlie Kirk reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
Tyler Robinson floats a perfect pass! Floating it with a researcher's soft touch!
Tim Duncan launches with purpose every possession! This franchise guy chess master!
Halftime! LeBron James walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. They say LeBron James eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
LeBron James explodes to the rack for a buzzer beater! Can't contain this tower!
This basketball god Shaquille O'Neal draws the MVP chants! The crowd is on their feet for the star!
Charlie Kirk holds the huddle together! That conspiracy theorist leadership on full display!
Tyler Robinson is writing the story tonight! This player nobody saw coming with a bank shot along the baseline!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
LeBron James hugs the mascot. Shaquille O'Neal hugs the referee. Awkward. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
109-103 (W)
This basketball god Charlie Kirk in the starting lineup! Let's see what this basketball god brings!
A hook shot by LeBron James! The crowd erupts! Pure God-given talent personified!
LeBron James, this long boy, covers ground to get the crucial offensive board! Wow!
This who-is-this-guy player Tyler Robinson turns the corner and finds the open man! Unselfish!
Charlie Kirk, this smooth operator, exploits the mismatch along the baseline! Smart play!
Halftime. Charlie Kirk throws his towel on the floor walking in. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Charlie Kirk, this combo guard, with a silky reverse layup along the baseline! Smooth operator!
This hungry young player Tyler Robinson silences the hostile crowd! A sold-out gym on fire shifts!
Charlie Kirk sprints back on defense! This basketball god leading by example!
This will be talked about for years! Tyler Robinson with a half-court heave! Iconic!
Tyler Robinson, this hidden prospect, points to the crowd! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! This was for the fans!
Charlie Kirk dumps his Gatorade on LeBron James who screams because it was cold. Tim Duncan piles on. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
118-73 (W)
Tim Duncan, this big fella, takes the court! The electric crowd is electric!
Shaquille O'Neal with the and-one sky hook! Nerves of steel through the whistle!
Charlie Kirk threads the needle! Precision of their bare hands through the game!
Charlie Kirk with the teardrop double-clutch layup! Beautiful as a conspiracy theorist's finest the game!
Tim Duncan, this world-class player, shuts down the play facing the rim! Lockdown defender!
Halftime. Tim Duncan throws his towel on the floor walking in. Confession: Tim Duncan calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Charlie Kirk treats the ball like the game and sinks it. Easy as pie for a conspiracy theorist!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, caps off a dominant performance! Ridiculous creativity from start to finish!
Shaquille O'Neal shoots the free throw and hits the top of the backboard! Yikes!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, with the signature bench mob celebration! The fans love it!
Charlie Kirk ends on a high note! A conspiracy theorist who finishes strong every time!
Tim Duncan launches his shoe into the air. Charlie Kirk catches it. Standing ovation. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
117-97 (W)
Tim Duncan, this beanpole, is introduced and the arena explodes! This big-name player is in the building!
Tyler Robinson with the step-back and-one! Creating space like a researcher with their lab notebook!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal anchors the defense in transition! Nothing gets through!
LeBron James, this big fella, delivers the entry pass! Beautiful feed into the post!
LeBron James spins to the weak side! This household name exploiting the rotation!
Halftime. Shaquille O'Neal wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Staff confession: Shaquille O'Neal is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Shaquille O'Neal buries a hook shot from mid-range! This basketball god is on fire tonight!
LeBron James soaks in a roaring arena! This first-ballot legend living for these moments!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal defers to the hot hand! Smart basketball!
This is the Shaquille O'Neal game! This franchise cornerstone taking over in the final quarter!
This reliable star Tim Duncan seals the deal! Victory with insane court vision!
Shaquille O'Neal gives his headband to a kid in the crowd. Charlie Kirk gives his shoes. Tyler Robinson gives his water bottle. The kid is overwhelmed. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
111-83 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal, this franchise cornerstone, embraces the incredible energy! Game on!
Tyler Robinson, this unknown gem, drops a step-back three at the top of the key! Pure artistry!
Shaquille O'Neal, this tower, walls off the drive from the left corner! No way through!
Shaquille O'Neal with the transition assist! This hall-of-fame lock pushing the pace with next-level basketball IQ!
LeBron James, this mammoth, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
The players head in. Charlie Kirk slips on the wet tunnel floor. Locker room intel: Charlie Kirk has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Tyler Robinson hits the triple! Three points, three cheers for this researcher turned baller!
LeBron James, this towering presence, basks in a crowd fully behind them! This is home!
Tim Duncan takes the blame for the mistake! This world-class player protecting teammates!
Tim Duncan attacks like a player possessed! Insane court vision unleashed!
Charlie Kirk closes the show! Curtain call for the conspiracy theorist with the game!
Shaquille O'Neal dumps his Gatorade on Tim Duncan who screams because it was cold. LeBron James piles on. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
121-85 (W)
Charlie Kirk sets the tone early! The conspiracy theorist came to play tonight!
Tyler Robinson converts with authority! Same energy they bring to investigating the unknown variable!
Charlie Kirk, this do-it-all player, with the pocket pass! Next-level basketball IQ in tight spaces!
Tim Duncan, this headliner, operates from way beyond the arc with a scoop layup! Clinic!
LeBron James shuts the door driving to the hoop! That's how you play defense!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Charlie Kirk picks up the pace. Little scoop: Charlie Kirk collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Charlie Kirk finishes with flair! Showmanship of a conspiracy theorist presenting the game!
Shaquille O'Neal, this basketball god, with the dagger and then some! An and-one!
This all-time great Shaquille O'Neal forgets the play call! Looking at the bench confused!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks and moonwalks back! A team high-five! It's showtime, baby!
Shaquille O'Neal daps up the opponent! Respect from this once-in-a-lifetime player after the battle!
Charlie Kirk and Tyler Robinson stare at each other in silence for five seconds. Then burst out laughing at the exact same time. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
120-89 (W)
Charlie Kirk drives with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Tyler Robinson pulls up and drills a buzzer-beater! Can't teach that!
LeBron James with the denial defense! This living legend not giving an inch!
Tim Duncan, this guy everybody knows, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a catch-and-shoot triple!
Charlie Kirk creates the switch! Smooth adjustment, conspiracy theorist-level thinking!
Off to the locker room. Tyler Robinson has already drained two water bottles. Confession: Tyler Robinson tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, takes over under the basket. A free throw! That's elite!
What a Finals-like atmosphere! Tim Duncan and the fans creating a spectacle!
Tyler Robinson picks up the assignment! Locked in, the researcher accepts the mission!
The stadium knows it! Tim Duncan is special! This established star writing legacy!
Charlie Kirk clocks out from the temple of basketball! End of the their bare hands shift!
Tyler Robinson points both hands at the sky. Charlie Kirk points at Tyler Robinson. Tim Duncan points at the exit. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
109-112 (L)
Tyler Robinson wins the opening tip! Tipping off with researcher energy!
Shaquille O'Neal with an incredible alley-oop from the left corner! Standing ovation!
Tyler Robinson loses the battle in the paint! Being a researcher doesn't help you here!
Charlie Kirk, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A pull-up jumper off target under the basket!
This top-tier talent Tim Duncan ignites the rally! The deficit is shrinking!
Halftime. Tyler Robinson is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. I've been told Tyler Robinson always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Tyler Robinson misses the game-tying shot! Even a researcher couldn't save that one!
Tyler Robinson slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a researcher hits the workbench!
Tyler Robinson, this versatile guy, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this newcomer right now!
This bonafide star Tim Duncan picks up the foul on the decisive possession! Terrible timing!
Tim Duncan goes to work past the media. This world-class player not in the mood to talk.
Shaquille O'Neal rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Tyler Robinson picks up his own and folds it carefully. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
112-80 (W)
The game begins and Shaquille O'Neal is ready! You can see natural-born leadership written all over his face!
Shaquille O'Neal attacks through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Charlie Kirk fires away the basketball with precision! Assist back to the basket! Floor general!
This absolute legend Charlie Kirk with a beautiful alley-oop in the paint! Poetry in motion!
Charlie Kirk smothers the ball handler! That's a conspiracy theorist who doesn't let go!
The locker room. Charlie Kirk sprawls out full-length on the bench. Intel: Charlie Kirk once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Charlie Kirk hooks it in! The arc of a conspiracy theorist swinging their bare hands!
LeBron James piles it on! A half-court heave extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
Was that crossover or investigating? Tyler Robinson blurs the lines!
Tim Duncan spins and celebrates! A bench mob celebration at half court! The crowd erupts!
Final buzzer! LeBron James is the hero! This undisputed superstar with a game for the ages!
Charlie Kirk and Tyler Robinson do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
102-117 (L)
And we're underway! Shaquille O'Neal touches the damn ball first! This basketball god looks eager!
Charlie Kirk misses the open look! This absolute legend can't believe it! Ego the size of Texas!
This undisputed superstar LeBron James forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Charlie Kirk gets posted up and scored on! This potential GOAT overpowered!
LeBron James, this big fella, glides to from way beyond the arc for a silky hook shot!
The players head in. Shaquille O'Neal slips on the wet tunnel floor. Rumor has it Shaquille O'Neal talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Tim Duncan slams the Wilson in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute unit, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates from the right corner!
Charlie Kirk launches to the right spot! A gym-rat work ethic off-ball movement!
Tim Duncan, this world-class player, sucking wind after that sprint! The 48 regulation minutes of battle!
Charlie Kirk sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a conspiracy theorist after their bare hands broke!
Charlie Kirk claps his hands in frustration. Tyler Robinson clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
104-94 (W)
Tim Duncan, this headliner, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
A reverse layup from downtown by Tyler Robinson! This tweener with the long range!
This franchise guy Tim Duncan with the no-foul contest from the right corner! Clean as a whistle!
Shaquille O'Neal with the alley-oop pass! This mountain of a man throws it up, teammate throws it down!
Tim Duncan reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Halftime! Tyler Robinson is limping slightly heading off the court. Did you know Tyler Robinson keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Tyler Robinson penetrates with the precision of a researcher at work. And it's a sky hook!
Vendors sell Charlie Kirk-themed merch! Merchandise gold for this conspiracy theorist!
Tim Duncan, this giant, repositions on defense! Pure God-given talent collective effort!
This guy with rings on every finger LeBron James is living their best moment right now from way beyond the arc!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, celebrates the win! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd! What a game!
LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal slap each other's butts. Tyler Robinson declines the invitation. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
88-102 (L)
This franchise guy Tim Duncan opens the scoring! A devastating dunk! Early advantage!
Shaquille O'Neal, this long boy, can't get an off-balance shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Tyler Robinson charges right into the defender! Turnover! Hot head when controlling pace!
Tim Duncan gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Tim Duncan, this 7-footer, posts up and delivers a sky hook! Textbook!
Heading in. Charlie Kirk's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Did you know Charlie Kirk started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Shaquille O'Neal gets a technical for complaining! Sometimes predictable game on full display!
Tim Duncan misfires at the buzzer! Even this headliner has off nights!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
This hungry young player Tyler Robinson stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Tim Duncan reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Charlie Kirk unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. LeBron James runs a hand down his face. Did you know that LeBron James practices conspiracy theorist on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-105 (L)
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal means business! Fast start back to the basket!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
LeBron James, this long boy, gets stripped from downtown! Ego the size of Texas exposed!
LeBron James, this oversized freak, can't keep up with the speed! Hot head exposed!
Tyler Robinson finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their lab notebook!
Halftime. The doctor examines Tim Duncan's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Juicy anecdote: Tim Duncan was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Shaquille O'Neal can't mask the disappointment! This generational talent wearing it on the sleeve!
Tyler Robinson misses! Even a researcher can't fix that shot!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
LeBron James grabs the shorts! This hall-of-fame lock is running on fumes!
LeBron James sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Charlie Kirk refuses the coach's embrace. Shaquille O'Neal accepts it but his body is stiff. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
My Team ends the season #5 with a 10W-5L record. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season journal
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