The Goat's — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Houston Blast-Off | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | The Goat's | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... The Goat's! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Donald Trump. The man. Is. A film producer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A film producer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their loaded checkbook and apparently, the technical motion of a film producer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
83-128 (L)
Charlie Kirk bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Adolf Hitler explodes but overcooks it! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing up again!
Stephen Hawking loses the damn ball! A university professor would never be this careless!
Adolf Hitler beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the front line slipping from a soldier!
Stephen Hawking slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a university professor hits the workbench!
The players leave the court. Charlie Kirk clings to the tunnel railing. Little secret: Charlie Kirk has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Stephen Hawking air-mails a half-court heave at the top of the key! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
This established star Godzilla can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Adolf Hitler spins into a trap! Hot head when reading the defense!
Adolf Hitler glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this soldier!
Godzilla walks off in silence. This headliner gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Adolf Hitler punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Stephen Hawking slides down the wall to the floor. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Secret Life of Your Mailman.' Episode 47.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
81-111 (L)
And we're underway! Godzilla touches the basketball first! This top-tier talent looks eager!
Donald Trump, this household name, with the shot-clock heave! No good on the low block!
Adolf Hitler loses the Spalding in traffic! This global icon can't afford that!
Stephen Hawking beaten to the spot! Slower than a university professor on a Monday morning!
Adolf Hitler vents at their teammates! The soldier who vents about the front line!
End of the second quarter. Charlie Kirk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: Charlie Kirk lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Stephen Hawking skips it off the rim! The young scholars has better hop than that!
Charlie Kirk tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a conspiracy theorist's energy for the game!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the buzzer!
Stephen Hawking drops the head after another miss! Ego the size of Texas sapping the confidence!
Adolf Hitler sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a soldier after their service rifle broke!
Charlie Kirk bites the inside of his cheek. Adolf Hitler pinches the bridge of his nose. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
90-126 (L)
Stephen Hawking, this all-around player, takes the court! The crowd fully behind them is electric!
Stephen Hawking forces up an alley-oop over the defense! Defense that's basically a suggestion! Bad decision!
This global icon Stephen Hawking commits the 5-second violation! Clock management limited stamina!
Charlie Kirk gets blown by! Even a conspiracy theorist couldn't stop that!
Stephen Hawking drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a university professor's spirit has limits!
Halftime whistle. Adolf Hitler flops into the first available chair. Did you know Adolf Hitler plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
This headliner Godzilla shanks a scoop layup under the basket! That's uncharacteristic!
Stephen Hawking calls for the sub! Even a university professor's stamina with their lecture notes has limits!
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Shaky emotions under pressure when protecting the basketball!
Godzilla, this max-contract guy, yells at the coaching staff! Tendency to rush causing friction!
Charlie Kirk refuses to make excuses! A conspiracy theorist owns the game failures too!
Adolf Hitler claps his hands in frustration. Godzilla clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
85-121 (L)
Godzilla, this all-around player, sets the tone immediately! Eyes in the back of the head from the jump!
Charlie Kirk rattles in and out! The game never teases a conspiracy theorist like that!
Godzilla charges right into the defender! Turnover! Shaky emotions under pressure when controlling pace!
Godzilla lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this established star fooled!
This all-time great Donald Trump shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Time to breathe. Stephen Hawking has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. I've been told Stephen Hawking always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this franchise cornerstone!
Stephen Hawking misses from fatigue! Tired arms from challenging the young scholars all week!
Donald Trump passes to nobody! This franchise cornerstone with a head-scratching decision!
Donald Trump lets fly and kicks the stanchion! This household name losing composure!
Adolf Hitler looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a soldier!
Charlie Kirk sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Adolf Hitler puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Tonight I learned Charlie Kirk used to be a film producer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
77-122 (L)
Charlie Kirk huddles with the team! Huddling up, the conspiracy theorist strategizes!
Stephen Hawking fires an alley-oop at the top of the key but can't connect! Hot head showing!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
This potential GOAT Adolf Hitler bites on the fake! Beaten under the basket!
Stephen Hawking throws their hands up! Like a university professor when their lecture notes breaks!
Halftime whistle. Charlie Kirk high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Charlie Kirk watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Charlie Kirk can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
This top-tier talent Godzilla signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Charlie Kirk forces the pass! Forcing their bare hands where it doesn't fit!
Adolf Hitler gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
Stephen Hawking, this living legend, takes the loss hard. Limited stamina at the wrong moments.
Godzilla has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Donald Trump has aged ten years in forty minutes. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
87-131 (L)
Godzilla fires up the crowd to open the game! This max-contract guy starting strong!
Stephen Hawking, this generational talent, pulls the trigger from the left corner but no luck!
Godzilla throws it into the stands! What was that from this world-class player!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This guy everybody knows Godzilla gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Break! Adolf Hitler heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Juicy intel: Adolf Hitler turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Donald Trump misses the open look! This undisputed superstar can't believe it! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Donald Trump cramps up! Muscles tight from their loaded checkbook and the rock double duty!
Stephen Hawking with the lazy pass! Defense that's basically a suggestion leading to easy points!
Godzilla slams the pill in frustration! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
Charlie Kirk vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Charlie Kirk taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Adolf Hitler walks through the door without pushing it. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
83-118 (L)
Donald Trump, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
Godzilla lets fly the basketball into the front rim! That's frustrating for this franchise guy!
This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler with turnover number buckets! Ego the size of Texas is piling up!
Donald Trump gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the risky picture on a rough day!
Charlie Kirk shakes their head! A conspiracy theorist who can't believe that just happened!
Back to the locker room. Godzilla punches his locker. Locker room intel: Godzilla has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Godzilla with a rough pull-up jumper in transition! Occasional mental lapses at the worst time!
Donald Trump plays through exhaustion! The endurance of greenlighting the risky picture daily!
Intercepted! Charlie Kirk's pass snatched right out of the air! A conspiracy theorist would never be that careless!
Stephen Hawking looks to the heavens! A university professor praying for their lecture notes to work!
Stephen Hawking shakes hands through the pain! A university professor who respects their lecture notes and the game!
Charlie Kirk walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Adolf Hitler speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
76-121 (L)
Charlie Kirk starts in the power forward! Playing the power forward the way a conspiracy theorist plays with their bare hands!
Godzilla fires away the damn ball into nothing! Hot head on full display tonight!
Charlie Kirk coughs up the basketball! Injury-prone body strikes again in the paint!
Charlie Kirk gets posterized! A conspiracy theorist framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Adolf Hitler, this miniature missile, throws the hands up! Exasperated driving to the hoop!
Halftime. Charlie Kirk wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Did you know? Charlie Kirk launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Stephen Hawking clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lecture notes hitting the young scholars!
Donald Trump is gassed! More tired than after a full day of greenlighting the risky picture!
Adolf Hitler gets picked! A soldier getting the front line stolen in broad daylight!
Godzilla dishes the towel! This jersey-selling name showing injury-prone body!
Stephen Hawking sits alone on the bench. This franchise cornerstone processing the defeat.
Charlie Kirk pulls his cap down over his eyes. Donald Trump doesn't have a cap, and it shows. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
82-127 (L)
The den welcomes Adolf Hitler! The soldier with the front line has arrived!
Stephen Hawking with a wild attempt! This living legend not finding the range tonight!
Donald Trump, this swiss-army-knife type, gets called for the carry! Tendency to rush in ball-handling!
Stephen Hawking bites on the fake! Fooled like a university professor by counterfeit the young scholars!
Godzilla, this solid build, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Halftime whistle. Godzilla high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Godzilla raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Stephen Hawking can't buy a bucket! Another miss from way beyond the arc! Frustrating!
Donald Trump grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
Adolf Hitler throws it out of bounds! Like launching their service rifle into the void!
This big-name player Godzilla stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Charlie Kirk absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a conspiracy theorist knows tough days!
Stephen Hawking whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Adolf Hitler nods without conviction. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
92-132 (L)
Godzilla opens with a step-back three! This elite player making an early statement!
Adolf Hitler, this guy with rings on every finger, comes up empty! A sky hook off target at the top of the key!
Charlie Kirk turns it over in the high post! Butterfingers from this conspiracy theorist!
Godzilla reacts too late to rotate! Defense that's basically a suggestion on the help side!
Godzilla, this established star, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to rush in tough moments!
Halftime. Godzilla's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Bus driver's confession: Godzilla raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Adolf Hitler can't score in the second half! This soldier is way off tonight!
Adolf Hitler, this low-to-the-ground speedster, laboring up and down! Sometimes predictable game draining the energy!
Donald Trump trips up in the key! A film producer never trips at work... Right?
Charlie Kirk can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the basketball frustration!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this multi-time All-Star.
Charlie Kirk walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Adolf Hitler drags one foot after the other. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-126 (L)
Stephen Hawking checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
A catch-and-shoot triple attempt by Stephen Hawking falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
Donald Trump penetrates into a dead end from mid-range! Turnover! Ego the size of Texas!
Donald Trump gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!
Adolf Hitler stares in disbelief! The look of a soldier who just lost everything!
Both teams head to the locker room. Godzilla wipes his forehead with his jersey. Anecdote: Godzilla threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Godzilla forces a bad fadeaway jumper! This bonafide star needs to trust teammates!
This hall-of-fame lock Stephen Hawking calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Sometimes predictable game taking its toll!
Adolf Hitler with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost soldier!
Charlie Kirk pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The conspiracy theorist in them is showing!
Adolf Hitler leaves the gym quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Adolf Hitler and Godzilla share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
82-126 (L)
Donald Trump wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Donald Trump misfires from way beyond the arc! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
Stolen from Charlie Kirk! A conspiracy theorist who let it slip through their fingers!
Adolf Hitler overcommits! Going all-in like a soldier on the front line, but wrong!
Donald Trump kicks the air! The frustration of a film producer who knows they can do better!
End of the second quarter. Stephen Hawking is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: Stephen Hawking was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Donald Trump dishes the damn ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this guy with rings on every finger!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla is a warrior but the body says no! The contest of war!
Adolf Hitler turns it over during crunch time! A soldier dropping their service rifle at the worst time!
Charlie Kirk walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
This jersey-selling name Godzilla stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this jersey-selling name wanted.
Donald Trump is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Stephen Hawking waits at the tunnel entrance. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
92-127 (L)
Donald Trump, this guy with rings on every finger, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This household name Adolf Hitler rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!
Godzilla with a wild pass that sails out! This reliable star giving it away!
Adolf Hitler bites on the pump fake! This household name sent flying from downtown!
Stephen Hawking, this smooth operator, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Halftime whistle. Charlie Kirk high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know? Charlie Kirk tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
An and-one from Charlie Kirk catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This headliner Godzilla has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Donald Trump with the backcourt violation! A film producer going backwards with the risky picture!
This hall-of-fame lock Donald Trump hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at half court!
Charlie Kirk wipes a tear! A conspiracy theorist who poured everything into the effort!
Godzilla's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Charlie Kirk breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-127 (L)
Tip-off! Godzilla gets us started! Let's go!
Adolf Hitler shanks it from the high post! Defending the front line uses different muscles!
Stephen Hawking with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
Stephen Hawking left in the dust! Even a university professor moves faster than that!
Stephen Hawking, this do-it-all player, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
Finally a breather. Donald Trump has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Exclusive info: Donald Trump is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
The rim rejects Stephen Hawking! The rim says no! Even a university professor gets rejected sometimes!
Adolf Hitler labors up the court! Trudging like a soldier dragging the front line!
Stephen Hawking double-dribbles! Challenging the young scholars doesn't have that rule!
Adolf Hitler spins angrily after the turnover! This basketball god spiraling!
Adolf Hitler leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a soldier with their service rifle!
Adolf Hitler looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Stephen Hawking looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-125 (L)
Charlie Kirk, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This absolute legend is in the building!
Stephen Hawking launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the young scholars, and it shows!
Donald Trump coughs it up! A film producer's grip doesn't work on the Wilson!
Charlie Kirk, this swiss-army-knife type, can't keep up with the speed! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This household name ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Players head to the locker room. Donald Trump has tape on three fingers. True story: Donald Trump had his parking spot stolen by Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's mascot. Still talks about it. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Charlie Kirk can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Godzilla, this all-around player, with tired legs in transition! Limited stamina slowing this established star down!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla commits the offensive foul! Turnover in the paint!
Godzilla mouths off and picks up a T! Limited stamina taking over!
Adolf Hitler packs up and heads out! Packing their service rifle, unpacking emotions!
Stephen Hawking scratches the back of his neck nervously. Donald Trump has the look of someone who has seen things. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
The Goat's finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
Season Journal
Get comfortable because tonight, we are about to witness something special. I can feel it. It's in the air, it's in the eyes, it's in the low rumble of 20,000 people who know they're about to live through a moment. The franchise about to step onto this court has seen it all, lived it all: legendary triple-doubles, buzzer-beating heartbreaks, 15-point fourth-quarter comebacks, and losses that shatter careers. But they're here, still and always, with that burning desire to tear everything apart. Ladies and gentlemen... The Goat's!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Donald Trump. Standing at 190 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
But what truly terrifies opponents isn't his highlights, it's his head. Look into his eyes during crunch time. There's nothing there. No stress, no doubt, just a killer's stare that says "give me the ball and get the hell out of the way." Opposing coaches have tried double-teams, triple-teams, zone defense, trash talk, Hack-a-Shaq... Nothing works. The man is programmed for clutch moments. It's genetic, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Donald Trump. The man. Is. A film producer. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A film producer. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their loaded checkbook and apparently, the technical motion of a film producer and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
The Goat's finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Donald Trump.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!
.jpg?width=300&width=400)
_(headshot_cropped).jpg?width=300&width=400)
.jpg?width=300&width=400)