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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest14128
2Detroit Engine-Roar14128
3Boston Ring-Chasers11422
4Cleveland Twin-Towers11422
5San Antonio Skyscrapers11422
6Denver Horse-Track11422
7Houston Blast-Off9618
8New York Over-Timers8716
9Minnesota Ice-Wall7814
10Toronto Border-Patrol51010
11Philadelphia Injury-Report51010
12Miami Heart-Attack4118
13Los Angeles Nursing-Home3126
14Phoenix No-Defense3126
15Orlando Magic-Beans2134
16My Team2134

Pre-season

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed King Kong. The man is an amateur. Yes, you heard that right. An amateur. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. King Kong had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

85-129 (L)

And we're underway! Godzilla touches the pill first! This established star looks eager!

This established star Godzilla muscles up a pull-up jumper but can't get it to fall!

Michael Jordan, this tower, gets stripped from the right corner! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!

Jesus Christ gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!

LeBron James slams the leather in frustration! Ego the size of Texas on full display!

The players leave the court. Michael Jordan clings to the tunnel railing. Exclusive: Michael Jordan was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.

LeBron James, this beanpole, gets the separation but can't finish! Hot head!

Michael Jordan, this undisputed superstar, is dragging! The 48 regulation minutes minutes taking their toll!

Michael Jordan coughs up the basketball! Hot head strikes again driving to the hoop!

King Kong mutters to himself walking back! This All-Star caliber talent fighting inner demons!

Godzilla goes to work to the tunnel in disappointment. This reliable star will learn from this.

LeBron James taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. King Kong walks through the door without pushing it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

108-105 (W)

This bonafide star Godzilla comes out aggressive! Opens with a free throw in transition!

King Kong with the huge rebound in traffic under the basket! This reliable star says no!

LeBron James takes a tough buzzer-beater and it doesn't go! Ego the size of Texas in shot selection!

This All-Star caliber talent King Kong converts driving to the hoop! A layup right on cue!

LeBron James blows past into the right spacing! An unmatched feel for the game and elite court awareness!

Back to the locker room. Godzilla punches his locker. Fun fact: Godzilla blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.

Godzilla, this reliable star, rises to the occasion! A bank shot from the left corner! Huge!

King Kong with the suffocating defense! This multi-time All-Star is a wall out there!

Godzilla, this combo guard, basks in a sold-out gym on fire! This is home!

Michael Jordan, this titan, muscles through for a devastating dunk in the fourth quarter!

King Kong pumps the fist as the buzzer goes! This reliable star savors the win!

Jesus Christ and King Kong share a 30-second hug. LeBron James wants in. Gets pushed away. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

97-110 (L)

Michael Jordan takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!

Jesus Christ, this undisputed superstar, fumbles the finish driving to the hoop! Back to the drawing board!

Michael Jordan tries to be too fancy and loses the pill! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the decision-making!

Michael Jordan scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Occasional mental lapses!

What a play by LeBron James! A pull-up jumper back to the basket! This household name is cooking!

Halftime whistle. LeBron James flops into the first available chair. Did you know? LeBron James has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

Michael Jordan, this guy with rings on every finger, refuses to high-five! Lack of consistency hurting the chemistry!

This absolute legend Michael Jordan shanks a floater from way beyond the arc! That's uncharacteristic!

Godzilla, this established star, manages the clock beautifully in the fourth quarter!

This world-class player King Kong can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!

Godzilla reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.

King Kong chews his nails on the bench. Godzilla stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

99-121 (L)

The game begins and King Kong is ready! You can see iron discipline written all over his face!

Jesus Christ misfires from the right corner! Their bare hands calibration needed!

This established star Godzilla commits the offensive foul! Turnover at half court!

Godzilla, this all-around player, gets dunked on along the baseline! Poster material!

This living legend Michael Jordan punishes the defense with a step-back three at the top of the key!

Finally a breather. LeBron James has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. True story: LeBron James walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Philadelphia Injury-Report. Awkward. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

LeBron James, this tree of a man, throws the hands up! Exasperated off the pick and roll!

LeBron James with the contested deep three from the right corner! No good! Bad selection!

This top-tier talent King Kong calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!

LeBron James explodes a step slower than usual! Sometimes predictable game in the tank!

Godzilla had the chances but couldn't convert. This multi-time All-Star left wanting.

Jesus Christ walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. King Kong drags one foot after the other. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

81-121 (L)

King Kong fades away with energy from the opening whistle! This guy everybody knows locked in!

This once-in-a-lifetime player Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far facing the rim!

LeBron James with the lazy pass! Heavy feet leading to easy points!

Michael Jordan loses the screen battle! Tendency to force bad shots around the picks!

Godzilla crosses over away from the huddle! This franchise guy in a dark place mentally!

The locker room. Jesus Christ sprawls out full-length on the bench. Exclusive: Jesus Christ was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

This living legend Jesus Christ with a rare miss along the baseline! Even the best stumble!

Jesus Christ waves for a timeout! The messiah needs the game break!

LeBron James, this colossus, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!

King Kong, this franchise guy, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!

King Kong, this tweener, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.

Jesus Christ's lip is trembling. Michael Jordan dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

83-128 (L)

This first-ballot legend LeBron James opens the scoring! A hook shot! Early advantage!

LeBron James steps back but overcooks it! Sometimes predictable game showing up again!

King Kong with the errant pass! This world-class player needs to settle down!

King Kong reacts too late to rotate! Heavy feet on the help side!

King Kong glares at the scoreboard! This All-Star caliber talent not happy with the situation!

Halftime! Godzilla checks his stats on the board and winces. Intel: Godzilla once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

Jesus Christ, this tweener, can't finish at the buzzer! That one stings!

This multi-time All-Star King Kong calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Tendency to force bad shots taking its toll!

Jesus Christ with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!

Michael Jordan, this long boy, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!

Godzilla, this top-tier talent, takes the loss hard. Sometimes predictable game at the wrong moments.

Godzilla is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Jesus Christ waits at the tunnel entrance. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

81-125 (L)

Jesus Christ announces themselves! The messiah has arrived and the building knows it!

Godzilla blows past but the shot rims out! Ego the size of Texas rears its ugly head!

Jesus Christ crosses over the pill right to the defense! Costly mistake by this certified GOAT candidate!

This absolute legend LeBron James gives up the offensive rebound! Limited stamina when boxing out!

This world-class player Godzilla shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

Into the tunnel. LeBron James grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Staff confession: LeBron James is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.

Jesus Christ misfires from downtown! Even this living legend has off nights!

This all-time great Jesus Christ is a warrior but the body says no! This ball game of war!

This bonafide star King Kong gets pickpocketed facing the rim! Sloppy handling!

Michael Jordan gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!

Godzilla, this tweener, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.

King Kong leaves the court at a jog. Jesus Christ stays there, planted at center court, motionless. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

111-108 (W)

This max-contract guy Godzilla in the starting lineup! Let's see what this max-contract guy brings!

King Kong, this smooth operator, walls off the drive in transition! No way through!

King Kong with a wild attempt! This guy everybody knows not finding the range tonight!

Godzilla, this versatile guy, dominates from the right corner and puts up a bank shot! Unstoppable!

King Kong spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!

End of the first act. King Kong is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? King Kong once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.

LeBron James, this mountain of a man, scores the go-ahead! A bucket! Heart of a champion!

Jesus Christ with the strip! Snatched the orange clean, that's a messiah with quick hands!

The arena is electric! This headliner Godzilla thriving in a packed arena!

Godzilla hits nothing but net! A deep three in the extra period! Night-in night-out consistency!

This top-tier talent Godzilla thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!

Jesus Christ jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

99-105 (L)

This top-tier talent Godzilla means business! Fast start at the top of the key!

Jesus Christ, this guy with rings on every finger, pulls the trigger under the basket but no luck!

LeBron James, this colossus, fumbles the entry pass in transition!

This once-in-a-lifetime player LeBron James bites on the fake! Beaten driving to the hoop!

A free throw by Godzilla! The crowd erupts! Eyes in the back of the head personified!

Into the tunnel. Michael Jordan grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Locker room intel: Michael Jordan has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.

King Kong drops the head after another miss! Heavy feet sapping the confidence!

Godzilla fires a half-court heave at half court but can't connect! Defense that's basically a suggestion showing!

Michael Jordan slows the pace when the team needs it! This basketball god tempo control!

King Kong crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!

Michael Jordan sits alone on the bench. This franchise cornerstone processing the defeat.

King Kong's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

100-110 (L)

This generational talent Michael Jordan gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, gets stuffed trying a half-court heave! Denied!

Jesus Christ loses the rock! A messiah would never be this careless!

Michael Jordan gets crossed over! This hall-of-fame lock left frozen on the low block!

LeBron James goes coast to coast for a deep three! This undisputed superstar is relentless!

That's a wrap for now. Michael Jordan dives into the tunnel. Intel: Michael Jordan asked Denver Horse-Track for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.

LeBron James, this towering presence, shows negative body language! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!

LeBron James, this titan, wastes a golden chance with a wild euro-step!

Michael Jordan goes to work to the weak side! This undisputed superstar exploiting the rotation!

Michael Jordan is gassed! This once-in-a-lifetime player bent over at half court! Injury-prone body catching up!

This franchise cornerstone LeBron James stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise cornerstone wanted.

Godzilla kicks his towel across the floor. King Kong has already left for the locker room, alone. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

92-108 (L)

Godzilla takes off into position! This franchise guy not wasting any time!

LeBron James, this mammoth, bobbles the ball and the chance evaporates back to the basket!

Michael Jordan with the backcourt violation! This franchise cornerstone under too much pressure!

King Kong gambles for the steal and pays the price! Injury-prone body!

Godzilla, this jersey-selling name, threads the needle for a bank shot from the right corner!

The players disappear into the tunnel. King Kong asks for an ice pack. Intel: King Kong asked New York Over-Timers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

This global icon LeBron James hangs the head after the miss! Deflated off the pick and roll!

Jesus Christ misses the open look! A messiah never misses the game... But misses the orange!

This undisputed superstar LeBron James with the savvy veteran play! Eyes in the back of the head experience showing!

Michael Jordan, this colossus, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!

This living legend LeBron James shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.

LeBron James sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Michael Jordan puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

83-128 (L)

Godzilla, this top-tier talent, draws first blood! A sky hook to start!

King Kong launches a scoop layup and... Airball! Occasional mental lapses at its peak!

Michael Jordan, this mammoth, gets the ball poked away! Hot head when protecting the leather!

This all-time great LeBron James caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!

This bonafide star Godzilla fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!

End of the first half. Godzilla is beet red but still standing. The staff told me Godzilla sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.

This certified GOAT candidate Michael Jordan short-arms a scoop layup at the buzzer! Not enough lift!

LeBron James, this big fella, laboring up and down! Sometimes predictable game draining the energy!

King Kong, this all-around player, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!

Godzilla fires away the towel! This franchise guy showing limited stamina!

LeBron James, this guy with rings on every finger, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.

Jesus Christ refuses the coach's embrace. LeBron James accepts it but his body is stiff. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

83-128 (L)

Godzilla launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this max-contract guy!

This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James puts up a free throw but it won't fall! Off night!

Michael Jordan pulls up into a trap! Shaky emotions under pressure when reading the defense!

LeBron James, this 7-footer, can't keep up with the speed! Ego the size of Texas exposed!

LeBron James storms to the bench! This hall-of-fame lock is visibly upset!

Time to breathe. Jesus Christ has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Jesus Christ logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.

LeBron James forces up a double-clutch layup over the defense! Tendency to force bad shots! Bad decision!

King Kong is visibly tired! This headliner needs a timeout badly!

Godzilla blows past carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!

Godzilla spins angrily after the turnover! This All-Star caliber talent spiraling!

Godzilla walks off in silence. This certified bucket gave it all but it wasn't enough.

Jesus Christ has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. Michael Jordan has aged ten years in forty minutes. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

84-129 (L)

Opening possession for Jesus Christ! First touch, like first touch of their bare hands!

Godzilla pulls up the damn ball into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!

Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!

Jesus Christ can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!

Godzilla, this do-it-all player, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!

Time to breathe. Godzilla has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Little scoop: Godzilla logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

Michael Jordan forces a pull-up jumper from mid-range! This household name trying too hard!

Godzilla fires away but the legs won't cooperate! Heavy feet catching up!

Jesus Christ gets picked! A messiah getting the game stolen in broad daylight!

This established star King Kong throws an elbow in frustration! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!

Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!

Godzilla chews his nails on the bench. King Kong stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

76-120 (L)

Michael Jordan fires up the crowd to open the game! This certified GOAT candidate starting strong!

Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!

Godzilla pulls up into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Heavy feet!

Jesus Christ, this tweener, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!

This potential GOAT Jesus Christ slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!

Break. Godzilla collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Godzilla knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.

Jesus Christ denied by the basket! Even a messiah can't pry it open!

LeBron James grabs the shorts! This potential GOAT is running on fumes!

This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!

This world-class player King Kong can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!

This headliner Godzilla tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.

Michael Jordan walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.

My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.

🏀
#16
Rank
2W-13L
Record
-413
+/-
265
Team Score
84.7M$
Salary
LeBron James
MVP

Season Journal

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!

There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's LeBron James. Standing at 206 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.

And the most terrifying thing about him? It's not the stats, it's not the size, it's the calm. You know that moment where the arena is on its feet, the clock is ticking down the final seconds, sweat is pouring... And he's just chewing his gum like he's waiting for the bus? Then he loads up. And drains it. Stone cold. In front of 20,000 people on the verge of cardiac arrest. That's what a franchise player is: the guy who carries everyone on his shoulders and still makes it look easy.

Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed King Kong. The man is an amateur. Yes, you heard that right. An amateur. On a basketball court. With bare hands in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. King Kong had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.

Budget-wise, we're playing in "almost elite" territory. The owner reaches into his pockets without flinching, the GM has room to make moves, and the roster oozes competence. This is the team that can beat anyone in a seven-game series and scares the top seeds. The only problem? When you're chasing a title, "almost" is a damn dirty word. But tonight, we'll see if they can go from "almost" to "finally."

🏆

My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: LeBron James.

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