My dream soccer team — football_team 🇸🇬

Matchday 1 — vs Paris Saint-Glinglin

1-0 (W)

The ref blows up! Ilhan Fandi's shot is blocked by an arm in the box. Penalty, and you can't argue with that one. GOOOOAL from Ryhan Stewart! ICE COLD penalty, he places it left, the keeper goes right. Total composure!

Ilhan Fandi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ryhan Stewart films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Perry Ng intercepts the ball, he was a step ahead of everyone on the pitch. Lovely quick counter but the final shot just whistles past the outside of the post. WIIIIIDE! Harhys Stewart put plenty on it but the ball slides just past the frame of the goal.

Irfan Fandi jumps too early and comes back down before the ball arrives, the opponent profits and wins the duel. Andreas Jungdal parries it back into the middle, that is dangerous! Irfan Fandi launches the ball into the stratosphere, panicked clearance but effective. The centre-back has done his duty.

Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin throws himself into the passing lane and comes away with the ball. Phenomenal reading of the game. Short build-up from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin to Harhys Stewart, playing out from the back, keeping it safe. Harhys Stewart sends the defender the wrong way with a stepover, that is technically brutal. Harhys Stewart fires a powerful cross into the danger zone, Kai Whitmore throws himself at it. It is heating up in the box. Header from Kai Whitmore, it flies just past the post, he had to hit the target there.

Andreas Jungdal sparks the transition with a quick throw to Harhys Stewart, the break is lightning fast. Harhys Stewart launches himself and thumps a dominant header on the cross. The opponent was still on the ground while Harhys Stewart was flying. Lightning overlap from Harhys Stewart, he puts ten yards on the defender in three strides. Perfect pull-back from Harhys Stewart, Ryhan Stewart receives it facing goal inside the area. Dream scenario. Andreas Jungdal palms the ball away with a firm hand. Corner. The attacker cannot believe it.

The physio announces the GPS stats: "Andreas Jungdal has covered seven kilometres already." Kai Whitmore shouts: "That is because {he} has been chasing their winger all half!" Andreas Jungdal fires back: "At least I caught him, unlike you last week." Laughter all round. The gaffer taps the board. "Focus, lads. Same energy second half." Here's one for the ages — Andreas Jungdal is the reigning champion of the dressing room biscuit dunking competition. His record is a full eleven-second dunk with a digestive. No breakage. At 195, his hand-to-mug coordination is genuinely world class. And now, our TV game show Only Fools and Quizzes! To win a genuine Reliant Robin air freshener, text 3678 and answer: 'In which year did Del Boy last say this time next year we will be millionaires and actually mean it?' The tunnel spits the players back onto the pitch one by one. Andreas Jungdal comes out with that walk. You know the one. Shoulders back, chest out. Something has clicked.

Ikhsan Fandi goes all in with the tackle but comes away with nothing but thin air. Andreas Jungdal parries it weakly into the middle, the attacker is a whisker from opening the scoring! Perry Ng clears in desperation and the ball ends up in the advertising hoardings. It is ugly, it is brutal, but the net stays untouched.

Luke O'Nien with a perfectly weighted challenge, takes the ball and launches the counter-attack. Two jobs in one! Luke O'Nien to Ilhan Fandi, it is direct, it is crisp, the ball zips along the turf. The match is limping along, neither keeper has touched the ball in ages. Pass, pass, pass, back to the keeper... same old script.

The bench is screaming, the fans roaring, one last massive push. The keeper is up, Andreas Jungdal getting ready to meet the corner with his head. Irfan Fandi wins his duel in the air and heads it down for Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin. Aerial dominance in the service of the team. Irfan Fandi links up with Ikhsan Fandi, one touch each, bang bang, the opposition cannot keep up.

The corner from Kai Whitmore is snuffed out by the defence, a defender clears at the near post. Luke O'Nien clears with his right foot under heavy pressure, the ball flies into touch. No frills, just survival. We're in a proper lull here, the game's gone to sleep.

Monster clearance from Irfan Fandi! He has hit it like he wanted to send the ball to the moon. The danger is gone. We're in the doldrums, both sides seem content to knock it about at the back. Rolling forward like a freight train, the opposition are hanging on. Harhys Stewart curls a cross to the near post, Luke O'Nien is lurking in the box.

GET IN THERE! Andreas Jungdal slides on his knees across the wet turf, Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin piles on top, and suddenly half the squad is in a heap. The physio's already panicking about someone's hamstring. Paris Saint-Glinglin can only watch. That's what it means to this lot. Terry from Peckham says Del Boy has never once meant it and that's the beauty of it all. Enjoy the Reliant Robin air freshener, Terry! Tonight's unmissable viewing: 'Dragons' Den, but the entrepreneurs only pitch things that already exist.' This week: a man from Bolton invents the umbrella. Again.

Matchday 2 — vs México No-Era-Penal

2-1 (W)

Concrete low block, even set pieces aren't getting through. Blistering counter but the shot is so far off target it's painful. Kai Whitmore winds up and SMASHES it! The ball flies like a rocket and ends up smack in the goal. INCREDIBLE!

Kai Whitmore does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Ryhan Stewart launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Andreas Jungdal arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

Harhys Stewart sets his side on fire, the opposing full-back is completely outpaced. Harhys Stewart dinks his cross over the centre-halves, Luke O'Nien arrives at full pace behind them. GOOOOAL! Luke O'Nien places his header from the cross by Ilhan Fandi, immaculate!

Sideways, backwards, sideways again, the crowd is getting restless. The match has gone stone cold, you could hear a pin drop. Perry Ng sends an aerial beauty to Ryhan Stewart, the ball cuts across the pitch like a guided missile.

Delicious through ball from Ikhsan Fandi, the ball slides in behind the centre-halves and Ryhan Stewart is there to gobble it up. Ryhan Stewart drifts just offside as Ikhsan Fandi plays the pass, the flag goes up. Agonising! A proper quiet spell, the crowd has gone eerily silent. Good ball from Irfan Fandi to Perry Ng, playing it quick between the lines.

Lovely counter move but the pass is too heavy, runs straight through to the keeper. Kai Whitmore threads the needle between the two centre-backs, Ryhan Stewart bursts through the back and he is clean through. Massive. OHHH what a strike from Ryhan Stewart! On target, thundering towards goal but the keeper stands firm. Huge save. Ryhan Stewart takes the corner but the opposition defence is well organized, cleared.

Luke O'Nien is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." In a baffling move, Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin adopted a tortoise named Gary Lineker. At 35, the footballer insists Gary brings calm to the household, despite the tortoise doing absolutely nothing at all times. And now, our TV game show The Weakest Biscuit! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 3737 and answer this question: 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?' And we are back underway! Ikhsan Fandi jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

Perfectly executed challenge by Luke O'Nien, he reads the run, commits at exactly the right moment, and wins the ball. Superb. Phenomenal run from Luke O'Nien, he cuts through the midfield like a hot knife through butter.

Intelligent short corner from Kyoga Nakamura to Luke O'Nien, they refuse the aerial cross. Perfect cut-back from Luke O'Nien, Ryhan Stewart receives it on the deck in acres of space. Dream scenario. NOOOOO Ryhan Stewart! The goal was empty, Irfan Fandi puts it on his foot and he blazes it over the bar! A real dead period, the ball's being passed around with no intent at all.

What a block! Irfan Fandi slides in with impeccable timing and takes the ball away. That's defending at its finest. Irfan Fandi slides a beauty through the gap, Ryhan Stewart is away, the timing is absolutely spot on. Ryhan Stewart goes for it and fires! Wide, just to the left of goal. Not far off at all. We're in low gear now, the final whistle can't come soon enough.

Absolutely dreadful! México No-Era-Penal score and we have only ourselves to blame.

Andreas Jungdal runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Perry Ng joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

Epic counter, but the low cross goes through with no one at the back post. Irfan Fandi puts Ryhan Stewart into orbit with a laser-guided through ball. The kind of pass that lifts an entire stadium to its feet. Ryhan Stewart wants to find Kai Whitmore between the lines but the weight is all wrong. Intercepted.

Free kick played short, Harhys Stewart to Ryhan Stewart, they bypass the wall with the combination. Ryhan Stewart shifts it to Ikhsan Fandi with a short pass, threading it between two defenders.

What a performance! Luke O'Nien exchanges jerseys with the México No-Era-Penal skipper — firm handshake, quiet word, respect between competitors. Then he turns and unleashes a primal scream at the sky. Andreas Jungdal just laughs. "He does that every time we win," he tells the camera. And here's the answer to The Weakest Biscuit! Colin Flannel-Trousers, from Grimsby, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the pH level of a Greggs steak bake?'. The answer was of course off the scale entirely, scientists refuse to measure it on moral grounds. Colin wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 3 — vs Casablanca Dima-Maghrib

3-2 (W)

Oh no, Casablanca Dima-Maghrib score! Their forward was left completely unmarked, schoolboy defending.

Andreas Jungdal legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Harhys Stewart tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Harhys Stewart presses high and the defender loses the ball under pressure. It is simple, it is effective, it is intensity football. Sharp cut inside from Harhys Stewart, the defender is left rooted to the spot. That is nasty. GOOOOAL from Harhys Stewart! On the inswinging cross from Ryhan Stewart, he places his shot along the ground and the ball is in!

Perfect back flip from Harhys Stewart right in front of the home end, five-star landing. Irfan Fandi tries the same behind him, lands flat on his arse, the whole squad doubled over laughing. Even Andreas Jungdal has made it up, hands on knees, breathless. Proper scenes.

Clinical interception from Luke O'Nien, he cuts out the pass between the opposition lines and breaks forward on the counter. The crowd loves it, and rightly so. Key pass from Luke O'Nien! It fizzes between the lines and Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin collects on the run, the defence is left for dead. GOOOAL! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin sneaks in front of the keeper and diverts the ball with the tip of his boot. No keeper can do better!

Luke O'Nien rips off his shirt and whirls it above his head like a lasso, bare-chested under the floodlights. Irfan Fandi jumps on his back, Andreas Jungdal is already at the halfway line sprinting. The Kop rises as one, flares erupt, the away end goes silent.

They've done it! Casablanca Dima-Maghrib find the net and our lot look absolutely devastated.

Andreas Jungdal points a finger to the sky — for someone up there. The stadium gets it, goes quiet for a beat. Irfan Fandi comes over, puts a hand on his shoulder, says nothing. Even the camera crew keeps its distance. Sacred moment.

Every player defending like their life depends on it, the block stands firm. Quick counter, the striker is in alone but his shot ends up in row Z. GOOOOOAL! Ilhan Fandi places it inside the post from the cross by Harhys Stewart, the keeper was well positioned but had no chance!

Ilhan Fandi mimes drawing a bow and firing an arrow at a specific section of the crowd. Kai Whitmore plays the dramatic victim, collapses in slow motion. Andreas Jungdal plays the medic arriving with an imaginary stretcher. The home end eats it up.

Kai Whitmore is telling anyone who will listen about the nutmeg {he} put on their centre-half. "Did you see his face? Mate, he looked like he had seen a ghost!" Ilhan Fandi adds: "The poor lad is probably still turning." The gaffer lets the banter flow. Happy dressing room, happy results. Roommates on away trips confirm Luke O'Nien sleepwalks to the hotel minibar and eats all the Pringles unconsciously. At 32, the lad has no memory of it and denies the crumb evidence every single time. And now, our TV game show Homes Under the Hammer Price! To win a doorknob from a house that needed a lot of work, text 0800FIXER and answer: 'What does a lot of potential mean in estate agent language?' Out of the tunnel and onto the pitch. Kai Whitmore high-fives every teammate on the way to {his} position. Unity. That is what you need for the next forty-five.

Last roll of the dice, legs are gone but the belief is still there. Right-footed cross from Harhys Stewart, the ball bends beautifully into the box and seeks out Ryhan Stewart. Ryhan Stewart crosses too far from the target, the ball drifts towards the opposite touchline. Authoritative clearance from Perry Ng in the box, he put everything behind it and the ball has gone sixty yards.

The tempo has dropped off a cliff, this is hard going to watch. Clumsy challenge from Harhys Stewart, stands on the opponent's foot. Unintentional but still a foul. Harhys Stewart pretends to strike and lays it off to Ryhan Stewart, well worked short free kick. Ryhan Stewart takes on his man with a sharp turn, one touch and it is done. Clean. JUST WIIIIIDE from Ryhan Stewart! Right idea but it slides past the far post by inches.

Crunching tackle by Perry Ng on the winger! All ball though, the referee lets play continue. Love to see it. Perry Ng picks out Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin with a short pass along the deck, the ball glides across the surface like it is on ice. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin eliminates his opponent with a short piece of skill, absolutely surgical. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin pulls the opponent back as he tries to break. Cynical but necessary. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin finally goes into the book. Third foul, the ref had enough of it.

Intense pressing, the defender panics and lumps it anywhere. Lovely interception from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, he anticipated the movement and cut off the pass before it reached its target. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin opens up to Luke O'Nien on the opposite wing, the ball floats over the midfield. Magnificent. Textbook tackle from Luke O'Nien there, reads the pass, slides in, and intercepts. The gaffer will be delighted.

Tackle miles off from Ikhsan Fandi, absolutely done in by the attacker's quick feet. Andreas Jungdal grazes the leather with his fingertips and turns it over! World class goalkeeping. The corner from Luke O'Nien is met by a defender who volleys it out for a throw-in.

Quick exchange between Perry Ng and Ilhan Fandi, triangles all over the pitch, the opposition is chasing shadows. Ilhan Fandi spots the gap and sends Harhys Stewart into it with a perfectly weighted pass. The channel is wide open. Harhys Stewart sets it for Perry Ng, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating. Perry Ng slips Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever.

Luke O'Nien lights the fuse with a cutting pass for Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin down the channel. The defence is caught cold, it is over for them. Flag up! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin was beyond the last man when Perry Ng released the pass. Ikhsan Fandi scrapes it clear with his studs under pressure, the ball goes out for a corner. It is not pretty but that is football, sometimes you just have to survive.

It's over and we've won it! Kai Whitmore grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Ryhan Stewart pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. Pauline from Wakefield says a lot of potential means the roof is missing and there may be foxes living in the bathroom. Doorknob for Pauline! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 4 — vs Dakar Teranga FC

2-1 (W)

Beautiful distribution from Andreas Jungdal to Perry Ng, a long kick that looks like it came from a midfielder. The opponent beats Perry Ng to the near post and wins the header. Perry Ng was caught on his heels. What a DOWNWARD header from Irfan Fandi! Sumptuous header on the cross from Ilhan Fandi, the ball dies in the bottom corner. GOAL!

Andreas Jungdal stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin comes over and hugs him without a word.

Blistering counter, but the one dribble too many kills the whole move. Ryhan Stewart reads the movement from Harhys Stewart and puts the ball right into the pocket of space. Game intelligence off the charts. OHHH the GOAL from Harhys Stewart! On the gift from Ilhan Fandi, he opens up his foot and sends the ball to the far post. SUMPTUOUS!

Ryhan Stewart stretches his arms like an aeroplane, makes vroom sounds with his mouth, runs around the centre circle. Luke O'Nien follows like a second plane, the engine noise is audible. Andreas Jungdal plays the control tower. Holiday camp vibes.

What a waste, the counter was a thing of beauty right up to the end. Harhys Stewart shreds the opposition backline with a diabolical through ball for Ryhan Stewart. The centre-halves are in absolute pieces. Ryhan Stewart looks for Perry Ng but the pass is way too long, that is going out for a throw-in.

Rapid break, the defenders are still trying to find their marks. Kyoga Nakamura hits turbo and flies down the wing, the defender is left in the dust. Kyoga Nakamura loses the ball trying to dribble, the defender was the smarter of the two. Blistering transition, but the final shot is weak and easily gathered.

It's a goal for Dakar Teranga FC! The ball has gone in off the post, cruel luck.

The gaffer strolls into the dressing room with a grin wider than the Stretford End. Ryhan Stewart is sprawled on the bench like {he} just won the pools. "More of the same, lads, more of the same," says the boss, tapping the tactics board once for emphasis. Someone chucks a towel at Ikhsan Fandi and the whole room erupts. Proper buzzing in here. We can confirm that Andreas Jungdal owns a caravan called 'The Palace' which is parked permanently in a field near Whitby. It has no running water, a portable telly, and a signed photo of Peter Crouch. At 195, he can barely stand up inside it. And now, our TV game show Tipping Pointless! To win a B&Q gift card worth exactly one paintbrush, text 0800DIY and answer: 'How many trips to B&Q does it take to finish a single shelf?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Luke O'Nien leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Kyoga Nakamura launches it to Harhys Stewart on the opposite wing. Raw, direct, and devastatingly effective. Blistering counter but the final touch is sorely lacking in quality. What a ball from Perry Ng! It nutmegs a defender on the way through and Ryhan Stewart is away on his own. That is velvet. Ryhan Stewart bombs down the right with a lightning acceleration, he is a rocket.

Ikhsan Fandi triggers a change of flanks for Ryhan Stewart, the ball rockets across the pitch above the heads. Aerial duel won by Ryhan Stewart, he outmuscles his opponent in the air. Aerial power is his bread and butter. Lovely counter, the ball flies forward but it amounts to nothing at the end. SHOOOOOT from Ikhsan Fandi, it's heading for the corner but the keeper gets across and tips it wide!

Free kick from Kai Whitmore played as a cross, Harhys Stewart positions himself at the far post. Aerial duel lost by Harhys Stewart, he misjudged the flight of the ball and the opponent pounced. COLOSSAL save from Andreas Jungdal! The keeper reacted in a split second on that thunderbolt.

Rapid combination: Ilhan Fandi to Kyoga Nakamura, the ball barely touches the grass between them. Kyoga Nakamura spreads the play and finds Kai Whitmore in a motorway on the left flank. The defence is stretched thin. Kai Whitmore plays it simple to Ryhan Stewart, neat little ball into feet. Tidy. Ryhan Stewart puts it right into the feet of Ilhan Fandi, one touch and away. Silky stuff.

Kai Whitmore spreads it to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, simple pass, clear intent. Playing it right. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin tries the power drive and BOOOOM! On target but the keeper gets down and blocks. Saved! Corner from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, good delivery but the defence reads it well and clears.

Andreas Jungdal launches it up the pitch, the ball drops on Perry Ng after a fifty-yard flight. Old school. One touch football: Perry Ng to Ilhan Fandi, faster than the opposition can think. Ilhan Fandi gifts Luke O'Nien a highway with a pass in behind the last defender. The kind of service that is worth a goal.

Get in! Perry Ng and Kai Whitmore do the customary shirt swap with a couple of Dakar Teranga FC players — handshakes, mutual respect, the lot. Then Perry Ng turns to the home end and cups his ears. The roar nearly takes the roof off. Pub's gonna be lively tonight. Steve from Sunderland says at least seven trips and that's before you realize you bought the wrong screws. The gift card is his! That's your lot! Stay tuned for tonight's late-night special: 'Come Dine With Me, but everyone's passive-aggressive and the dessert is from Iceland.' So just regular Come Dine With Me, really.

Matchday 5 — vs Douala Makossa-Corner

2-2 (L)

Blistering solo run from Ilhan Fandi, he covers sixty yards on his own, beating three defenders. PENALTY for Ilhan Fandi! He enters the box, the defender brings him down and the referee points to the spot! No DOUBT about it, it is a penalty. The pressure is ENORMOUS. GOOOAL! Ilhan Fandi sends the penalty in with a POWERFUL and PRECISE strike! The keeper was beaten. CONVERTED!

Ilhan Fandi legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Ikhsan Fandi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Ball recovered and they've gone from end to end in the blink of an eye. Ryhan Stewart finds the gap and serves Ikhsan Fandi in behind the last man. That is three-cushion snooker, that is. Delicate lob from Ikhsan Fandi, the ball floats over the keeper and dies in the back of the net. ABSOLUTE class, that is Panenka in open play.

Harhys Stewart does not fancy the shot and goes short to Perry Ng, trying to disorganise the defence. Perry Ng beats his man with a sharp outside cut, the skill is absolutely effortless. Perry Ng rolls it to Ilhan Fandi, the ball hugs the turf, not a bobble, not a hesitation. The one-two between Ilhan Fandi and Kyoga Nakamura blows the defensive block apart. Give, run, return, done. Clinical.

Oh it's gone in! Douala Makossa-Corner find the gap in our defence. Absolute shambles.

'I told you so' mode. Andreas Jungdal eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ryhan Stewart pulls Andreas Jungdal away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

Ball moves quickly, players run, but the finish is heartbreaking. Kai Whitmore takes the channel at full speed, the defender is eaten alive in the foot race. Lob from Kai Whitmore over the entire defence, Luke O'Nien finds himself in acres of space. Everything is on. Lovely take from Andreas Jungdal! He comes off his line and claims the cross, clean as a whistle. Short restart from Andreas Jungdal to Perry Ng, building from the back nice and tidy.

Tactical debate in the corner. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin wants to push higher. Ilhan Fandi reckons they will get done on the counter. The gaffer listens to both, arms folded, then makes the call: "We push up. Ilhan Fandi, you cover. If they break, you are the last man. No arguments." The room goes quiet. Orders received. A cracking detail — Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, standing at 180, once tried to fix a leaky tap in the dressing room and flooded the entire physio area. He blamed the water pressure, which is the most British excuse anyone has ever given for anything. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 9494 and answer this question: 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Kai Whitmore is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Kai Whitmore delivers a tidy ball to Ikhsan Fandi, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work. Strike from Ikhsan Fandi that thuds into the defensive wall. The defender threw himself in without fear. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin sends the corner in but a defender gets there first and heads it out for a throw. Irfan Fandi absolutely leathers the ball and it flies into the distance. Clearance of a lifetime.

Firm pass from Ilhan Fandi into Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, right into the boots. No waste. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin turns the game on its head with one razor-sharp pass for Irfan Fandi. The defence did not even have time to blink. Offside against Irfan Fandi! But that is so tight it's almost criminal! Harhys Stewart is beside himself. Tidy restart from Andreas Jungdal along the deck to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, the press is avoided, the trap is sprung. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin shows fantastic discipline, stays on his feet as long as possible, then commits to a perfect tackle. World class.

Ryhan Stewart chips his cross over the back line, Perry Ng is at the far post, free as a bird. Perry Ng goes for goal of the season with the volley and it flies over. The stadium applauds anyway, that was special. A proper lull, the players seem to be going through the motions.

Ikhsan Fandi finds Perry Ng between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Perry Ng switches the play to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin on the far side, superb crossfield ball! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin dives in and steals the ball right from under the attacker. Perfect timing, perfect execution. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin goes into bullet-train mode and drives the length of the pitch. That is breathtaking.

Intense pressing from Ryhan Stewart, he wins the ball back thirty yards from goal. Ryhan Stewart shakes off the defender with a sharp cut, the path is clear. SHOOOOT from Ryhan Stewart... just wide! Shaves the post, so close to going in.

GOAL! Douala Makossa-Corner have scored! Oh no, the defence has been caught napping.

'I told you so' mode. Andreas Jungdal eyeballs the Douala Makossa-Corner bench with a cold smile, finger to his lips. Their gaffer loses it, the ref intervenes. Ryhan Stewart pulls Andreas Jungdal away by the shirt. The tension ratchets up, the home end adores it.

That is a tackle of the highest order from Luke O'Nien. Slid in, won the ball, and came away with it. Fantastic. What a chance squandered, the counter was perfect until the last ball. What a hit from Ilhan Fandi! Absolute ROCKEEEET, on target but the keeper somehow claws it away!

Draw. Ilhan Fandi takes the time to shake every Douala Makossa-Corner player's hand, one by one — old habit, old manners. Ikhsan Fandi follows suit. The screens show the stats: possession 50, shots on target 4 each. Perfect mirror. Neither side deserved more. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Maureen Crumble-Dispatch, from Scunthorpe, correctly answered the question, which was 'What temperature does an awkward silence reach in a lift?'. The answer was of course 900 degrees Celsius, which is why the British stare at the floor numbers with such intensity. Maureen wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! We leave you with tonight's feature presentation: 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, but all the questions are about council tax bands.' Phone a friend? He doesn't know either.

Matchday 6 — vs Lagos No-Carry-Last

2-2 (L)

Ilhan Fandi plays the simple ball to Irfan Fandi, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Irfan Fandi pulls it back along the ground for Ilhan Fandi, that is the perfect cut-back! GOOOOOAL for Ilhan Fandi! On the genius pass from Kai Whitmore, he beats the keeper with a placed finish, MAGNIFICENT!

Ilhan Fandi climbs the hoardings and stands on top, arms in a V. The stewards are gesticulating but won't pull him down. Ikhsan Fandi films him shouting 'LEGEEEEND!' The stadium DJ drops a tune nobody has heard since the 90s.

Step-overs from Harhys Stewart followed by an explosion of pace, the defender buys the feint and eats the dust. Harhys Stewart treats himself! He beats half the opposition team and finishes on his own, GOAL!

Harhys Stewart stands alone, hands on hips, calm, proud, stares at the stand for a long second before tapping his heart three times. Two seconds of respectful silence, then a deafening roar. Kai Whitmore comes over and hugs him without a word.

Kai Whitmore delivers an inswinging free kick, Ilhan Fandi at the back post tries to get on the end of it. Header from Ilhan Fandi, he did everything right except the finish! It goes wide, the keeper thanks the woodwork. Ryhan Stewart hacks it clear in a panic, it is not pretty but it does the job! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin wins his aerial duel with fierce determination, he outmuscles the attacker and comes away with possession.

Defensive organization is perfect, the opposition hits a brick wall. Brilliant tackle from Luke O'Nien! Slides in, wins the ball, and comes away clean. That is textbook defending. Little shift from Luke O'Nien to Harhys Stewart, the timing is spot on, the gap opens up. Ball over the top from Harhys Stewart, Kai Whitmore had timed the run half a second early and the timing is perfection.

We're watching paint dry, this has become a real war of attrition. The ball pings around but the defenders are barely breaking sweat. Ikhsan Fandi gives it to Kyoga Nakamura into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. It falls apart for Kyoga Nakamura, the pass goes the wrong way entirely, the opponent recovers and starts again.

"Sixty-two percent possession and not a single clear chance. You are passing it around like a game of piggy in the middle!" The gaffer slams the stats sheet on the table. Andreas Jungdal winces. Perry Ng looks away. Something has got to change and everyone in this room knows it. Harhys Stewart once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 25-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Nowhere! To win a slightly dented tin of beans, text 5555 and answer this question: 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Kai Whitmore sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

Irfan Fandi produces a sensational tackle in the box, wins the ball, no penalty shout. That takes serious courage. Fast break, one-touch football, they've cut them to ribbons. Harhys Stewart powers past on his wing, the full-back is beaten, done, eliminated. Harhys Stewart floats a cross in from the wing for Perry Ng, the ball hangs in the box!

Oh that's terrible! Lagos No-Carry-Last score on the counter-attack. We were wide open.

Kyoga Nakamura changes the point of attack with a raking pass to Luke O'Nien. The defence is caught completely flat-footed. Magnificent leap from Luke O'Nien who dominates the aerial duel. When he takes off like that, nobody stands a chance. They have the pitch to themselves but the cross is completely overhit. Kai Whitmore picks it up and goes coast to coast like a man possessed. Nobody is stopping him.

Kai Whitmore delivers, it's a scramble! The ball ricochets off shins and heads, defense finally boots it away! Ryhan Stewart hoofs the ball anywhere but it gets the job done. It is ugly, it is raw, but it saves the match. Groans from the stands, this possession is going nowhere. Nothing to get the blood pumping, this has turned into a possession drill. They've grabbed the game by the scruff of the neck now.

Andreas Jungdal throws it out quickly to Ilhan Fandi, rapid distribution, catching the opposition before they can reset. Diagonal from Ilhan Fandi to Harhys Stewart, surgical stuff, the ball cuts out six opponents in one go. Good run from Harhys Stewart who crosses to the near post for Luke O'Nien. The defender is beaten to it.

GOAL! Lagos No-Carry-Last have netted! Their forward pounced on the loose ball. Clinical.

Andreas Jungdal runs along the touchline cupping his ear to hear the fans louder. The Kop explodes, throws up an impromptu tifo. Ikhsan Fandi joins him, both pumping fists in rhythm. The gaffer wipes an actual tear off his cheek on the bench.

The corner from Ryhan Stewart is claimed by a defender at the near post, nothing comes of it. Irfan Fandi heads it clear in desperation, the ball goes back to the halfway line. Close call, that one. Irfan Fandi looks up and launches a long pass towards Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin. The ball traces a perfect arc across the sky. Lay-off from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin to Ryhan Stewart, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan. Fantastic high recovery from Ryhan Stewart, he sprinted twenty yards to go and rip the ball away. The effort is immense.

1-1. Ilhan Fandi and Ryhan Stewart are the last two off the pitch, as ever. The stadium is nearly empty, a groundsman is starting to fold up the advertising boards. "Next time," says Ilhan Fandi. "Next time," replies Ryhan Stewart. And they vanish into the tunnel. And here's the answer to Countdown to Nowhere! Gerald Musty-Carpet, from Stoke-on-Trent, correctly answered the question, which was 'Which motorway was named after a disappointed badger?'. The answer was of course the M42, originally called the Badger's Lament until the council shortened it. Gerald wins this magnificent slightly dented tin of beans! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 7 — vs Barranquilla Toque-Toque

3-2 (W)

Ilhan Fandi tears into the opposition build-up, running everywhere, and ends up stealing the ball. That man is a guard dog. Ilhan Fandi follows up the play perfectly on the strike from Harhys Stewart! The keeper parries, he prods it in. GOAL!

Ilhan Fandi fakes a cardiac arrest, collapses backwards, hands on his chest. Kyoga Nakamura plays the medic running in. Andreas Jungdal plays the priest giving last rites. The stadium dies laughing. Three full minutes of circus before the ref can restart.

Luke O'Nien sees everything, understands everything, and intercepts at the perfect moment. That is the kind of player who makes a team unbeatable. Absolute peach from Luke O'Nien, threading it through for Harhys Stewart, the centre-halves are done for! GOOOAL for Harhys Stewart! He read the trajectory and slides the ball past the keeper. STRIKER'S goal!

Irfan Fandi with the last-ditch tackle, gets every bit of the ball and none of the man. The ref's happy, we're happy. Solo charge from Irfan Fandi, he sets off from midfield and arrives in the opposition box. GOAL! What a LOB from Irfan Fandi! On the pass from Harhys Stewart, he spots the keeper off his line and chips it with the TOP of his foot. The ball drops just on the line and goes in. CLASSY!

Irfan Fandi spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Ikhsan Fandi gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Corner from Kai Whitmore into the danger area but a defender heads it away, dealt with. Magnificent reading of the game from Perry Ng, he intercepts between the lines and launches the counter. That kind of action turns a match on its head. Counter is perfect until the last second when everything falls apart.

Ikhsan Fandi drops a lofted ball to Harhys Stewart, it sails over the entire midfield line. Harhys Stewart lofts a cross into the box, Ikhsan Fandi is there, sandwiched between two defenders, ready to pounce. Ikhsan Fandi rises above his marker and wins the header! He got up higher than everyone.

The boss pulls Kyoga Nakamura aside: "You have been absolutely magnificent out there, mate. 30 years old and running the show like you own the place. Keep doing what you are doing." Kyoga Nakamura just nods, half-smile on {his} face, the quiet confidence of someone who knows {he} is having a blinder. We can exclusively reveal that Ilhan Fandi, standing 182, owns a pair of lucky pants that he's worn under his kit for three consecutive seasons. They're held together by hope and a single thread, but the results speak for themselves. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Be a Milliner! To win a Primark bag full of reduced Percy Pigs from M&S, text 0800PORK and answer: 'How many Percy Pigs can you fit in a shopping trolley?' Here we go again. Forty-five minutes to settle this. Kyoga Nakamura sprints to {his} position like a man on a mission. The crowd sense something is coming.

What a mess! Barranquilla Toque-Toque capitalise on that blunder. We are our own worst enemy.

Andreas Jungdal fakes a phone call, thumb and pinky against his ear: 'HELLO?! YES, I SCORED! TELL THE MISSUS!' The stadium loses it. Ikhsan Fandi plays the person on the other end of the line. Pure theatre.

Luke O'Nien refuses to give up, sprints all the way back and arrives just in time to make the tackle. Luke O'Nien commits the tactical foul without hesitation. The bench nods in approval. Luke O'Nien picks up a yellow card for a clinical foul. Stopped the danger, paid the price. Luke O'Nien tries the free kick but the wall is well positioned and blocks it. That's that. The corner from Ryhan Stewart comes to nothing, the defence clears at the first post.

Stunning tackle by Luke O'Nien in a dangerous area! Keeps his composure and wins the ball cleanly. No arguments from anyone. Transition play in overdrive, they're at the edge of the box already. Harhys Stewart puts his foot on the gas down the wing, the full-back has got no chance. Pace wins. Harhys Stewart reaches the byline and cuts it back for Ikhsan Fandi arriving from the second wave.

Nightmare! Barranquilla Toque-Toque score! That goal was coming, we've been under the cosh.

Andreas Jungdal dives into the home end and disappears into a cloud of arms, shirts and smoke. Re-emerges five seconds later wearing a scarf and a bucket hat someone shoved on his head. The stadium chants his name three times.

The team in a low block is impenetrable, every cross dealt with. Huge tackle from Luke O'Nien! Went through the back door and nicked the ball before the striker could get his shot away. Wicked through ball from Luke O'Nien, the ball skims the grass and finds Perry Ng who had set off before anyone else even noticed. Perry Ng rifles one in, ON TARGEEEET! But the keeper comes up big. Corner to the attacking side.

Andreas Jungdal distributes short to Ryhan Stewart, no risk, no frills. The ball moves, the team breathes. Smooth transition from Ryhan Stewart to Luke O'Nien, no delay, the game keeps flowing. Luke O'Nien drops the defender with a fake shot. Clever as you like.

The free kick from Kai Whitmore is a dangerous one, Ilhan Fandi meets it on the volley inside the six-yard box. Ilhan Fandi loses his duel in the air on the cross, the opponent got better positioning. SAVE from Andreas Jungdal! The attacker had a go but the keeper produced a MONUMENTAL hand.

What a result against Barranquilla Toque-Toque! Andreas Jungdal walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Luke O'Nien follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. Sharon from Basildon says two hundred and six Percy Pigs, which she verified personally last Saturday. Primark bag and all, she's the winner! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'

Matchday 8 — vs Montevideo Garra-Charrúa

1-1 (L)

The ball from Perry Ng rips through the defensive curtain, Luke O'Nien is flying into the space like an arrow. Luke O'Nien looks at the keeper, sees the angle, and places his shot! It is in, IT IS A GREAT GOAL!

Perry Ng mimes a boxer knocking out his opponent, throws two imaginary uppercuts, fells an invisible foe. Kai Whitmore raises Perry Ng's arm like a referee declaring the winner. Andreas Jungdal plays the man on the canvas. Full show.

Perry Ng clears the danger with a massive hack, the ball flies into the distance. No time for pretty football. This has turned into a real scrap, with no invention and no drive. Foul by Ryhan Stewart, he had to make that challenge to stop the break. Tactical.

Blistering run from Kyoga Nakamura on the wing, the defender is chasing but never catches up. Kyoga Nakamura dives in the penalty area, hoping to con the referee. Not today, son. Kyoga Nakamura booked for simulation, he was looking for a penalty and found a yellow card instead. Kyoga Nakamura plays a low free kick into the box, Ryhan Stewart cuts across to meet it in front of goal.

Andreas Jungdal hoofs it forward towards Ikhsan Fandi, clearance mode, no time to mess about. Wing switch from Ikhsan Fandi, the ball covers forty-five yards in the air and Irfan Fandi brings it down with a velvet touch. Class. Cross from Irfan Fandi, he puts it on the far post for Perry Ng. Perry Ng tries a powerful cross but the defender is there and blocks everything.

No let-up now, balls raining into the penalty area nonstop. Everything on the line, Andreas Jungdal is up, nothing to lose now. What a leap from Irfan Fandi! He rises above the lot and wins the header with royal composure. Irfan Fandi slides it to Perry Ng, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely.

The dressing room is silent apart from the fizz of isotonic drinks being opened and the squeak of boots on tiles. Ryhan Stewart is biting {his} nails in the corner. Andreas Jungdal stares at the ceiling like it holds the answers to everything. The gaffer lets the silence do its work before delivering his half-time talk. Perry Ng once tweeted 'rate my Sunday roast' and the entire internet destroyed the 30-year-old for putting the Yorkshire puddings on a separate plate. The tweet was deleted within eleven minutes. And now, our TV game show Bargain Hunt for Socks! To win a multipack of sensible socks from Primark, text 0800SOCK and answer: 'How many odd socks does the average British household have at any given time?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Ilhan Fandi leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin lays it off first time to Ryhan Stewart, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Ryhan Stewart keeps it short to Harhys Stewart, no frills, just good football intelligence. Harhys Stewart takes on the defender in tight quarters and comes out on top. Pure talent. Harhys Stewart tries to dribble in too tight a space and gets the ball nicked off him.

What a SHAMBLES in the box after Kyoga Nakamura's corner! Bodies everywhere, somehow the defense holds! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin boots the ball into touch with a panicked clearance. The manager winces but the result is there. Sterile football, looks like a testimonial out there.

Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin launches into the challenge and it's all ball! The attacker can have no complaints whatsoever. Emergency clearance from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, he has hit it as hard as humanly possible. It has gone into the crowd, so what? The goal is safe. Ikhsan Fandi tries to get up for the duel but the attacker beats him to the header. The timing was off. Irfan Fandi sends a furious header but the ball sails over the bar. So close yet so far.

Unbelievable! Montevideo Garra-Charrúa score from nowhere. Their striker just smashed it in.

Kai Whitmore bounces off Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, gets it back in stride, and it is done. The kind of combination that makes football beautiful. One laser pass from Kai Whitmore and the entire defence is eliminated, Ryhan Stewart is through on goal. The space is enormous. Ryhan Stewart is given offside by the width of a bootlace, Luke O'Nien is shaking his head. Short distribution from Andreas Jungdal to Kai Whitmore, circulating at the back, the press is beaten. Aerial duel won by Kai Whitmore, he absolutely dominates in the air against the defender.

Luke O'Nien reads the danger, gets across, and puts in a perfectly timed tackle. Clean as a whistle. Sideways ball from Luke O'Nien to Ikhsan Fandi, switching the point of attack, stretching the block. Ikhsan Fandi looks for Ilhan Fandi with a ball in behind but it is massively overhit. The opposition keeper collects without moving. They break three on two and waste it all with the final pass.

Draw against Montevideo Garra-Charrúa. Ikhsan Fandi kisses the club badge as he passes the home end — a gesture for the fans, regardless. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin does the same. The squad stays tight, the season rolls on. Nights like this, you close ranks. Janet from Wolverhampton says twenty-three odd socks at minimum and that's a conservative estimate. Primark multipack for Janet! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 9 — vs Buenos Aires Pecho Frío

2-2 (L)

GOAAAL! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío make it count! Sliced through us like a hot knife through butter.

Andreas Jungdal kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ryhan Stewart takes a knee behind him. Andreas Jungdal raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Wall combination between Luke O'Nien and Ilhan Fandi, fluid, rapid, and it creates an overload going forward. GOOOOL from Luke O'Nien! Massive right-footed strike, the ball almost rips the net off. GOOOOAL!

Luke O'Nien legs it straight to the away end, vaults the advertising hoardings and plants himself face-to-face with their supporters. Ilhan Fandi tries to follow, gets nabbed by stewards. The home end loses it completely. Absolute bedlam.

Disaster! Buenos Aires Pecho Frío score! We've just handed them that on a silver platter.

Quick one-two between Perry Ng and Kyoga Nakamura, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Low cut-back from Kyoga Nakamura, Harhys Stewart arrives at pace and can hit it first time. Harhys Stewart winds up and FIIIIRES! Placed strike, the ball slides into the bottom corner, OPENING GOAAAAL!

The stadium tifo drops at the exact moment Perry Ng strikes: a massive 'UP THE LADS' unfurling in front of the Kop. Surreal scenes, you'd swear it was scripted. Ikhsan Fandi points at it, jaw on the floor. Andreas Jungdal shakes his head, not believing it.

Rainbow flick from Ilhan Fandi, he clips the ball over the defender with his heel. The crowd erupts. Lovely use of the ball by Ilhan Fandi, finding Kyoga Nakamura in a tight pocket of space. Quality. Shifting pass from Kyoga Nakamura to Ryhan Stewart, the ball drifts into the free zone and Ryhan Stewart is onto it in two strides.

Studious atmosphere in the dressing room. The coach has his tablet out, replaying clips: "Look, Luke O'Nien, there is acres of space on the overlap and you go back inside every time. Use the width." Luke O'Nien takes the note. The game is there for the taking if they can just find the key. Quite remarkable — Kyoga Nakamura got into a heated argument at a car boot sale over a secondhand George Foreman grill. Apparently he haggled for twenty minutes, paid three quid, and considers it the greatest negotiation of his career. The man is 30 years old. And now, our TV game show Taskmaster of the Obvious! To win a laminated bus timetable from 2019, text 4678 and answer: 'How early should you arrive at a bus stop to guarantee the bus has already left?' The players emerge from the tunnel and the roar hits them like a wall. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin is first out, boots clattering on the concrete. Here we go.

Tight-knit defense, compact shape, the opposition has to shoot from distance. They go from a standing start but the final touch is completely missing. Powerful run from Harhys Stewart down the flank, he goes past the full-back as if he is not there. Harhys Stewart looks up and swings in a floated cross, Ikhsan Fandi rises among the defenders. Cross from Ikhsan Fandi far too long, the ball flies through the entire box without finding anyone.

Ball stolen and released forward, it's an absolute rocket of a counter. Overlap from Ryhan Stewart on the left flank, he beats the defender with pure speed. Neat lay-off from Ryhan Stewart for Irfan Fandi in the box, the ball is on a plate, clean as a whistle. Irfan Fandi unleashes an ABSOLUUUUTE CANNON! On target but the keeper gets a strong hand to it. Corner.

Line-breaking pass from Harhys Stewart! The ball slices through the centre-halves and Ilhan Fandi picks it up at full pace. Devastating. Ilhan Fandi thought he'd timed it perfectly, but the linesman disagrees. Offside on Irfan Fandi's pass. Andreas Jungdal goes long for Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, the ball flies straight into the opposition half. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin sniffs out the danger and produces a wonderfully timed challenge. Not a hint of a foul.

The corner from Kyoga Nakamura is cut out at the near post by a defender, no danger. Monumental ball from Ikhsan Fandi to Irfan Fandi, the kind of pass that gets the crowd on its feet. Overlap from Irfan Fandi with raw pace, he roasts the defender over two yards. Cruel. The dribble from Irfan Fandi fools nobody, the defender collects comfortably. Classy interception from Ikhsan Fandi, he sensed it coming and positioned himself in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time.

Luke O'Nien sees the gap and puts the ball right through it. Ilhan Fandi is racing into the channel, the defence is watching the train leave the station. Ilhan Fandi is flagged and it's the tightest of calls, Luke O'Nien's pass was beautifully weighted too. Both teams are treading water here, it's turgid fare. Luke O'Nien feeds Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling.

Lightning counter but the final pass is dreadful, completely wasted. Majestic individual run from Kyoga Nakamura, he cuts through the pitch like an arrow. Kyoga Nakamura shapes up and hits it, just wide but it grazed the bar. The technique was there, the finish just wasn't. Andreas Jungdal distributes by hand to Ikhsan Fandi on the flank, instant counter-attack launched. Ikhsan Fandi wins the aerial battle against the attacker, he jumped earlier, higher, and stronger. Total domination.

Ryhan Stewart pings a long diagonal to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, completely shifts the point of attack. Magnificent shift from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin! Perry Ng picks it up in space, no marker in sight, the pitch is his. Perry Ng takes off like a rocket down the wing, the full-back is out of the race. Cut-back from Perry Ng, the ball zips across the box at ground level to Ryhan Stewart.

Points shared. Kai Whitmore sits on the grass for a full minute, staring up at the floodlights. Harhys Stewart crouches beside him: "Come on mate, let's get inside. Tuesday's another game." Long season. Draws happen. Nobody's thrilled, nobody's devastated. Leonard from Barnsley says fifteen minutes early guarantees the bus left fourteen minutes ago. Laminated timetable for Leonard! Stay tuned for: 'Grand Designs — Kevin McCloud watches a man build a shed that costs more than your house.' He will be over budget. He will cry. Kevin will narrate.

Matchday 10 — vs Rio Malandro FC

2-1 (W)

Absolutely immense from Perry Ng! Throws his body on the line, wins the tackle, and plays out from the back. Lightning counter, striker's away on his bike and the defence is chasing shadows. GOOOAL! Ryhan Stewart onto the pass from Ikhsan Fandi produces a lob for the AGES! The keeper is beaten through the air, the ball descends slowly and nestles in the net. BEAUTIFUL, GRAND, MAGNIFICENT!

Perry Ng runs to the corner flag, yanks it out of the ground and plants it at the centre circle like he's claiming new territory. Kai Whitmore gives a mock salute. The Kop responds with a full tifo unfurling. The stadium announcer plays a banger.

High recovery from Kai Whitmore, he ran himself into the ground to go and win that ball. The defender never saw him coming. Possession flipped in a heartbeat, textbook transition football. GOOOOOAL! Ikhsan Fandi turns into a FOX in the box! The ball was loose, he prods it in, simple as that!

Monster clearance from Andreas Jungdal, the ball reaches the stratosphere before coming back down to Ikhsan Fandi. Aerial duel lost by Ikhsan Fandi, he was nudged in the back and could not get a proper jump in. Andreas Jungdal stretches horizontally and tips the shot away with an extended arm. Cat-like! Corner from Kyoga Nakamura, header from Ikhsan Fandi at the penalty spot but it is off target. He should have scored.

Ryhan Stewart pulls out a backheel nutmeg in open play, the ball goes through the defender's legs with the heel. WOOOW Ryhan Stewart launches a missile! On target, the ball is fizzing but the keeper tips it around the post!

Oh the keeper comes out and misses Harhys Stewart's corner! Scramble on the line, a defender hacks it away! Almighty boot from Ilhan Fandi who clears the danger! The ball travels half the length of the pitch, the defence can breathe. Frustration boiling over in the stands, going in circles for ten minutes. Nothing doing in the middle of the park, the ball's just going sideways. The away end has gone ominously quiet, this side is on top now.

Andreas Jungdal is planning the celebration already. "If I score in the second half, I am doing the knee slide right in front of their lot," {he} tells Luke O'Nien, who replies: "Last time you tried that you pulled your hamstring." The dressing room erupts. The gaffer shakes his head. "Just score the goal, we will worry about the celebration later." Now this is properly British — Kyoga Nakamura once spent an entire bank holiday Monday sitting in a car park in the rain, eating a Cornish pasty and listening to TalkSport. When asked why, he simply said 'because it's a bank holiday.' The lad is 30 and gets it. And now, our TV game show Motorway Service Station Bingo! To win a Costa loyalty card with one stamp, text 4567 and answer: 'What is the minimum price of a sandwich at a motorway services?' The rain starts to fall as the players take their positions. Ilhan Fandi wipes {his} face and grins. Proper football weather. Time to get stuck in.

Luke O'Nien launches the ball into orbit, emergency clearance. No time to think, just get it out. Royal interception from Perry Ng! He positions himself in the passing corridor and plucks the ball out of thin air. Massive clearance from Perry Ng, just get the ball as far away as possible. The opposition defenders could grab a brew, nothing is happening.

Superb defensive work from Luke O'Nien there, slides across and pinches the ball. The crowd love that! Lovely transition but the shot is like he was scared of the goal. Ilhan Fandi tries the curler... it bends beautifully but slides just past the post. AGONISING. The game has stalled, both managers look frustrated on the touchline. They're turning this into a siege, the keeper's going to be busy.

Kyoga Nakamura gives it to Kai Whitmore who returns it first time, Kyoga Nakamura ghosts past his man like he does not exist. Kyoga Nakamura accelerates and takes the channel, the defender is left behind in two strides. Foul by Kyoga Nakamura in the middle of the park, breaks up a promising move. Kyoga Nakamura combines with Harhys Stewart from the free kick, the little pass takes the wall out of the equation.

It's in! Rio Malandro FC take the lead and our lot are shell-shocked.

Andreas Jungdal and Irfan Fandi do a rehearsed hand-kiss bit to the camera. Perfect sync. Andreas Jungdal arrives behind, misses his cue, flubs the whole thing. Even funnier. The crowd won't stop clapping.

Kyoga Nakamura plants his studs on the attacker's ankle. That's as bad as it gets. Booking for Kyoga Nakamura. Went in high with the forearm, the opponent felt that. Free kick swung in by Kyoga Nakamura, the ball travels across the six-yard box and Kai Whitmore is lurking. Aerial duel won by Kai Whitmore in his own box. He took the lift to the top floor and cleaned up everything.

Andreas Jungdal rolls it short to Kyoga Nakamura into feet, no panic, keep the ball and play. With one swing of the boot, Kyoga Nakamura finds Ilhan Fandi on the opposite flank. The kind of pass that cracks a game open. Ilhan Fandi delivers a tidy ball to Ikhsan Fandi, the kind of pass that does not make the highlights but does all the dirty work.

Full time, full joy! Kyoga Nakamura walks the entire touchline high-fiving every fan who leans over the barrier. Irfan Fandi carries a little kid onto the pitch for a photo — nobody's sure whose kid it is, but everyone's smiling. Rio Malandro FC are yesterday's news. Tony from Warwick says eight pounds fifty for a cheese sandwich the size of a postage stamp. Costa loyalty card for Tony! Buckle up for: 'The Apprentice, but Lord Sugar sends them all to run a village fete in Dorset.' One team runs out of tombola tickets. The other buys 400 scones. You're fired. All of you.

Matchday 11 — vs Istanbul Cehennem FK

2-1 (W)

Surging run from Ikhsan Fandi from the centre circle, he destroys everything in his path. What a spectacle. Ikhsan Fandi storms into the box and the defender UNBALANCES him! The referee awards a penalty! The player gets up, the stadium is SILENT, everyone is holding their breath. Penalty from Ikhsan Fandi! He fires it hard under the bar, the keeper was on the right line but it was TOO POWERFUL. GOAL!

Ikhsan Fandi sprints to the corner flag and poses alongside it, arm around it like an old mate. Irfan Fandi snaps the moment with an imaginary camera. Andreas Jungdal waits at the centre circle tapping his foot: 'ARE YOU LOT COMING OR WHAT?!' The chant kicks off.

Perry Ng with a trademark slide tackle, gets the ball and pops straight back up. The fans are on their feet! They're away in transition, pace to burn, it's like watching a freight train. Ikhsan Fandi spots the keeper off his line and tries the LOB! It clears him! GOAL! The ball sails over the keeper by an inch and drops just behind him. The AUDACITY of that finish, that is OUTRAGEOUS!

Solidarity move: Perry Ng grabs Ryhan Stewart who made the assist, drags him by the neck to the main stand. 'HIM! IT'S HIM!' The stadium gives Ryhan Stewart a standing ovation right through to the restart.

One touch football: Luke O'Nien to Perry Ng, faster than the opposition can think. The opponent is bundled over by Perry Ng. Not much in it, but the whistle goes. Booking for Perry Ng, the niggling fouls have caught up with him at last. Free kick from Perry Ng... into the wall. The wall didn't flinch. Massive clearance from Irfan Fandi in the scramble, he has whacked it out of the box. Survival mission accomplished.

Ferocious press from Ryhan Stewart! He sticks to the carrier, hounds him, and ends up winning the ball. The dirty work that makes great players. Ryhan Stewart plays it into the channel for Perry Ng, the defensive line is split clean in two. That is pure filth. Perry Ng aims for Ryhan Stewart but the ball is deflected off an opponent's foot. Pass cut out. What positioning from Perry Ng! He picks off the ball between two opponents. Game intelligence off the charts. Perry Ng boots it into the stands under pressure from the attacker, it had to go.

Irfan Fandi with a last-gasp tackle that saves the day! Gets everything on the ball and nothing on the man. Heroic stuff. Brilliant switch of play from Irfan Fandi! The ball covers the entire width of the pitch to land in front of Ryhan Stewart. Lightning counter but the attacker shoots when he should have passed.

Pie and Bovril vibes in the dressing room. The gaffer has drawn one arrow on the whiteboard and written underneath it: "Same again." Harhys Stewart is leaning back with {his} feet up, 180 cm of pure relaxation. Perry Ng is refuelling on jelly babies. Life is good when the scoreboard is in your favour. A wonderful anecdote — Irfan Fandi once got lost in an IKEA for two and a half hours. Had to be rescued by staff near the bedroom section. He was 29 at the time and insists the store moved the exits. Classic British Saturday gone wrong. And now, our TV game show Deal or No Meal Deal! To win a Wetherspoons voucher for 47p, text 1999 and answer this question: 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?' The teams reappear from the tunnel like gladiators returning to the arena. Kyoga Nakamura leads the line, chin up, fists clenched. Round two.

Oh dear oh dear! Istanbul Cehennem FK score and the dugout is fuming. Rightly so.

Ryhan Stewart unleashes a raking ball out to Kai Whitmore, it flies through the air and drops like a feather. Top drawer. Kai Whitmore weights his pass into the space for Ryhan Stewart who collects at full pace without breaking stride. Perfection. Harhys Stewart launches a long ball for Ryhan Stewart, but he's well offside. Defence did well. Andreas Jungdal plays out from the back with Irfan Fandi, short pass, controlled. The gaffer approves. Burst of speed from Irfan Fandi, he devours the left flank in a matter of seconds. Impressive.

The block is set up beautifully, compact, disciplined, nothing getting through. Andreas Jungdal closes the angle with his legs and the strike rebounds off him! The keeper is A WALL! Andreas Jungdal opts for the short option to Luke O'Nien, keeping possession, building play, no panic.

Free kick from Ryhan Stewart delivered with pace, Luke O'Nien finds himself in space at the far post. The cross from Luke O'Nien is blocked by a defender in the box. The defence holds firm.

Ryhan Stewart slips Ikhsan Fandi in with a cute little pass through the gap. Clever. Flash wall from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin for Ikhsan Fandi who had started the run before even passing the ball. Insane anticipation. The defence holds its line and Ikhsan Fandi is caught offside from Ryhan Stewart's ball over the top. Andreas Jungdal boots it into row Z... no wait, it is actually for Ilhan Fandi! Long ball that catches everyone off guard. Ilhan Fandi slides into the passing lane and nicks the ball. The opposition does not know what just happened.

Andreas Jungdal plays it along the ground to Harhys Stewart, composed, controlled. The modern keeper plays football too. Switch from Harhys Stewart! The ball arcs over the midfield and Ryhan Stewart collects it on the other side. Stretching the play. Ryhan Stewart releases Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin with a ball into space on the left. The defence is sliding across but they are too late. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin gets to the byline and cuts it back low, Harhys Stewart just needs to sidefoot it home. Harhys Stewart with an absolutely perfect sliding tackle, takes the ball right off the attacker's toes. Nothing given, play on!

What a result against Istanbul Cehennem FK! Andreas Jungdal walks over to the travelling support, puts his hand on his heart, and bows. Kai Whitmore follows and throws his boots into the crowd. Some lad in row G is going home with a size 9 souvenir. Scenes. And here's the answer to Deal or No Meal Deal! Pauline Drizzle-Hatch, from Barnsley, correctly answered the question, which was 'How long is a piece of string if the string is lying?'. The answer was of course it claims to be six feet but it's really only four, the dishonest thread. Pauline wins this magnificent Wetherspoons voucher for 47p! And for our late-night viewers: 'Location, Location, Location — but it's just Kirstie and Phil arguing in a Greggs about whether you can afford to live anywhere south of Carlisle.'

Matchday 12 — vs Milano Piano-Piano

1-0 (W)

They've broken at pace and the back line is nowhere to be seen. Telepathic pass from Ryhan Stewart to Kyoga Nakamura, like they rehearsed it at breakfast. The ball fizzes in behind the defence. Kyoga Nakamura lobs the keeper and it is GOAL! The audacity to attempt that finish at THIS moment of the match is what makes GREAT players. Perfect lob, perfect trajectory, PERFECT goal!

Long kick from Andreas Jungdal, Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin positions himself and collects in the opposition half. Game on. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin explodes past his marker in a flash. The difference in pace is frightening. Chipped cross from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin over the defence, Luke O'Nien is underneath it. That is a killer ball.

The intensity has gone up several notches, this is magnificent. Aggressive high press, the opposition keeper is already sweating. Oh what a challenge! Irfan Fandi goes to ground, wins the ball, and is up on his feet in a flash. Top drawer. Enormous clearance from Irfan Fandi inside his own box, he has booted it fifty yards. When you have to clear it, you clear it.

Ryhan Stewart plays the free kick quickly to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, they catch the defence napping. OHHH Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin strikes and it goes just wide! The post was trembling! Sterile stuff this, pass after pass going nowhere fast. Ilhan Fandi tries his luck and puts it on the third tier. The crowd give him an ironic round of applause.

Team goes on the counter but the final pass is too short, all wasted. Kyoga Nakamura picks up speed and ghosts past the defender in the channel, he is a bullet train. Lobbed cross from Kyoga Nakamura, it sails over the entire back four and Luke O'Nien is there behind. Brilliant. Lovely high take from Andreas Jungdal! He owns his box, the attacker had no time to even jump. Andreas Jungdal sends an absolute rocket towards Irfan Fandi, almighty clearance, the ball covers half the pitch.

The coach gathers the lads round: "Listen, we are in a great position. But this lot do not lie down, so keep your heads screwed on." Kai Whitmore claps once, loud, and shouts "Come on then!" like {he} is leading the charge at Agincourt. The energy is electric. These lads are well up for the second half. A scouting report from Ryhan Stewart's youth days says — and I quote — 'technically raw, but can eat a full Sunday roast in under eight minutes.' That kind of efficiency translates to the pitch. He's now 26 and hasn't slowed down at the dinner table. And now, our TV game show Countdown to Bedtime! To win a Premier Inn king-size pillow, text 3345 and answer: 'What time does a British person start complaining about the weather each morning?' They are back. Ikhsan Fandi salutes the travelling fans with a raised fist before taking {his} spot. The faithful respond in kind. Second half. Bring it on.

Ilhan Fandi overlaps on the wing with frightening ease, the defender is made to look silly. Looping cross from Ilhan Fandi, it sails over the centre-halves and drops towards Ryhan Stewart. Danger. Cross from Ryhan Stewart intercepted by the centre-half, the defence is alert. Panicked clearance from Ryhan Stewart, the ball goes out for a corner but the attacker does not score. Job done.

Free kick from Kyoga Nakamura, lovely delivery and Ilhan Fandi rises above the defence. Ilhan Fandi goes up to the heavens and comes back down with the ball. Aerial duel won, total domination, the opposition can pack their bags. Good ball from Ilhan Fandi to Ryhan Stewart, playing it quick between the lines. Ryhan Stewart wins the ball back high up the pitch after an outrageous press. The defender crumbled under the pressure.

Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin goes crossfield to Kai Whitmore, the ball gains height, dips, and lands perfectly at the feet. Textbook. Cross from Kai Whitmore off the left, the ball travels across the entire six-yard box and finds Ikhsan Fandi at the far side. Andreas Jungdal repels the attempt with a reflex save! Clinical, clean, absolutely enormous. Ilhan Fandi heads the corner from Kyoga Nakamura at the back post, it goes wide. Close but not close enough.

The referee POINTS to the penalty spot! Luke O'Nien has been clipped at the feet inside the box. No argument, it is a penalty! The stadium is holding its collective BREATH! OVER THE BAR! Luke O'Nien sends the penalty into the stands! Absolute disaster!

Andreas Jungdal lumps it long towards Ilhan Fandi, it is not pretty but it is effective. The ball is forward, job done. Magnificent tackle from Ilhan Fandi! Sweeps the ball away from the attacker just as he was about to pull the trigger. Ilhan Fandi feeds Ryhan Stewart in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. WHAT A SHAME for Ryhan Stewart! Thunderous strike that flashes just past the upright.

Massive win over Milano Piano-Piano! Harhys Stewart is the last man off the pitch, soaking in every last decibel. The ground's half-empty but the noise is still deafening. Perry Ng pops his head out of the tunnel: "Oi, the pizza's getting cold!" Priorities. Graham from Harrogate says half six and honestly we all agree. He's off to Premier Inn with his brand new pillow. And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Love Island: Wetherspoons Edition.' Twelve singles. One sticky carpet. Zero phone signal. Who will find love by last orders?

Matchday 13 — vs Sevilla Olé-Olé

2-1 (W)

Perry Ng goes to ground and absolutely nails the tackle. Ball won, danger cleared, crowd on their feet. Broken at speed, the lads have bombed forward like their lives depend on it. Oh the TOUCH from Ilhan Fandi! SUBLIME lob! The keeper is ten yards off his line, Ilhan Fandi spots it, chips the ball and it drops right into the goal. MASTERPIECE!

Perry Ng kisses the club badge with theatrical slowness, eyes locked on the directors' box. Ilhan Fandi takes a knee behind him. Andreas Jungdal raises both fists to the sky from the other end of the pitch. Statue moment.

Strikers making run after run, long balls flying in every time. Harhys Stewart rises on the delivery from Ikhsan Fandi and powers a furious header into the net!

Irfan Fandi rotates the play with an inch-perfect crossfield ball to Perry Ng. The far side is completely deserted. Brilliant opening from Perry Ng for Kyoga Nakamura, frees up the entire left flank. Driven cross from Kyoga Nakamura into the box, Perry Ng arrives at full pace at the near post. This smells like a goal.

It's hit the back of the net! Sevilla Olé-Olé lead and we look completely lost.

Solid as a rock, the block holds under pressure. What a rush out from Andreas Jungdal! He narrows the angle and smothers the shot at the feet. Andreas Jungdal smashes a volley towards Ilhan Fandi, the ball rockets forward and drops perfectly at the feet. What a foot on that keeper. Massive diagonal from Ilhan Fandi! Luke O'Nien receives it on the opposite side, not a defender within ten yards.

The gaffer sits down, crosses his arms, and just watches the lads for a moment. Kyoga Nakamura is chatting with Andreas Jungdal about holiday plans. Someone is throwing grapes into someone else's mouth. The staff are relaxed, the players are relaxed. "Right, let us not get complacent," the boss finally says. "But well played. Seriously." Now Irfan Fandi — and this is absolutely true — once entered a Wetherspoons curry club night and ate three lamb bhuna in a single sitting. At 186, the man is essentially a furnace. The manager gave him a round of applause and a free pint. And now, our TV game show Who Wants to Win a Kebab! To win a parking permit for Slough, text 8899 and answer this question: 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?' Back on the pitch and Andreas Jungdal is already barking orders at {his} teammates before the ball even rolls. The tone is set. This half means business.

Video review underway, players catching their breath, supporters on the edge of their seats. Incredible tension. VAR shows just how bad the challenge was, Luke O'Nien is sent to the dressing room! Unbelievable scenes! Luke O'Nien has kicked out at the opponent off the ball. He's been sent off. Luke O'Nien plays the free kick back to Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, they are looking for the shooting angle.

Sharp turn from Harhys Stewart, the defender is sat down. Someone call an ambulance. The attacker tries to sprint past but Harhys Stewart grabs the waistband, foul! Yellow shown to Harhys Stewart, he brought down the man rather than let him play the through ball. Harhys Stewart shapes to shoot but plays it short to Ilhan Fandi, the defence is caught flat-footed.

Quick one-two between Ilhan Fandi and Perry Ng, clean as you like, they are moving forward. Careless distribution from Perry Ng, the ball lands straight at an opponent's feet. The kind of pass that costs you. Huge interception from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin! He cuts out the pass and drives forward. The kind of action that never shows up in the stats but changes the whole match. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin feeds Perry Ng in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. Lay-off from Perry Ng to Kyoga Nakamura, one touch, moving forward, retaining possession. That is the game plan.

Ikhsan Fandi gives it to Harhys Stewart into feet, it is bread and butter but done with surgical precision. Harhys Stewart has a go but the shot is deflected! The defender took the ball full in the chest. Corner from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, the ball travels across the box but a defender clears at the far post. Lifesaving clearance from Harhys Stewart! The ball goes out for a throw but the danger is over, that is all that matters.

The match has gone to sleep, somebody needs to wake it up. Kyoga Nakamura pings a ridiculous diagonal to Kai Whitmore. The ball crosses the pitch in three seconds flat. Kai Whitmore is beaten in the air, the opponent rises above him with authority. That is tough to take. Irfan Fandi lumps it out of his box. Elegance can wait, this was all-out war. Tepid stuff, the ball just keeps going back to the keeper.

It's over and we've won it! Andreas Jungdal grabs the corner flag and plants it at the centre spot like he's claiming new territory. Luke O'Nien pretends to salute. The fans are in absolute stitches. The manager pretends to be annoyed but you can see him smirking. Top, top scenes. And here's the answer to Who Wants to Win a Kebab! Keith Drizzleton, from Slough, correctly answered the question, which was 'What is the tensile strength of a polite cough?'. The answer was of course 4.7 kilonewtons, enough to demolish a conversation but not enough to get served at the bar. Keith wins this magnificent parking permit for Slough! And now: 'MasterChef, but every dish must be made in a university halls kitchen with only a kettle and a George Foreman grill.' Bon appetit. Sort of.

Matchday 14 — vs München Ordnung-Muss-Sein

2-2 (L)

And it's a goal! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein punish us for that sloppy defending. Heads will roll.

Kyoga Nakamura feeds Ikhsan Fandi in stride, sharp and decisive, the backline is scrambling. GOOOOAL from Ikhsan Fandi! MASTERFUL long-range strike, the ball traces a perfect line and ends in the net!

Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin anticipates the pass and intercepts cleanly. The opposition midfielder thought he had found the gap, but it was a trap. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin beats man after man and drives forward on his own, opponents are scattered like skittles. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin takes his time to aim, looks at the keeper, and SHOOTS! On target, in the net, GOOOOAL!

Ruthless press, the opposition can't hold the ball for two seconds. High recovery from Ilhan Fandi, he forced the error by hounding the carrier relentlessly. The kind of effort that the stats do not show but that wins football matches. Ilhan Fandi sets it for Ikhsan Fandi, good reading of the game, the ball is circulating.

Andreas Jungdal plays it short to Harhys Stewart, building out from the back. Calculated risk. Harhys Stewart plays the simple ball to Kyoga Nakamura, nothing fancy but dead effective. Football does not have to be complicated. Dull as ditchwater, the lads look like they're on a Sunday stroll.

The gaffer pulls up München Ordnung-Muss-Sein's shape on the screen: "See how high their line is? One ball over the top and we are in. Andreas Jungdal, you have the pace. Luke O'Nien, you have the vision. Put it together and we are laughing." It sounds simple. Football always sounds simple at halftime. Doing it is the hard part. A little fun fact for you — Andreas Jungdal, all 195 of him, once entered a village conker championship in Lower Piddle and made it to the semi-finals. He was disqualified for soaking his conker in vinegar, which frankly shows the sort of competitive edge you want in a footballer. And now, our TV game show Pointless But True! To win a signed Greggs loyalty card, text 6677 and answer this question: 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?' Irfan Fandi leads the team out for the second half, armband tight, voice booming across the pitch. The crowd rises. The hairs on the back of your neck stand up. This is what it is all about.

Driven kick from Andreas Jungdal to Ilhan Fandi, long pass that bypasses the entire midfield. Ilhan Fandi powers past on the wing, the defender can only watch him go. Ilhan Fandi tries the cross but it is completely off target, ends up going out for a throw. What composure from Andreas Jungdal! He climbs, gathers the cross and restarts play. The danger has passed. Massive punt from Andreas Jungdal, sends the ball sixty yards, Harhys Stewart is scrapping for it up top.

The free kick from Harhys Stewart clears the defence and finds Ikhsan Fandi in the danger area. Ikhsan Fandi beats the attacker with a commanding header, he went up like a lift and came back down with the ball. The boss. Ikhsan Fandi winds up and FIIIIRES! On target! But the keeper pushes it away for a corner.

Harhys Stewart gets the better of the full-back with a burst of speed, he is unstoppable down that side. Absolutely disgraceful from Harhys Stewart. Not a shred of contact and he's writhing on the floor. Harhys Stewart earns a yellow card for diving, you reap what you sow on the pitch. The free kick from Harhys Stewart is floated in, Ikhsan Fandi makes his run to the back post.

They've scored! München Ordnung-Muss-Sein break the deadlock and the momentum has completely shifted.

Andreas Jungdal spots a kid in the crowd, locks eyes with him, tears off his shirt and hurls it over the barrier. The boy is sobbing. His mum is sobbing. The entire stand is sobbing. Kyoga Nakamura gives him a pat on the back. Everyone grew up a bit tonight.

Irfan Fandi swivels and releases a crossfield pass to Ilhan Fandi, the ball cuts through the sky and drops on a sixpence. Vision. Ilhan Fandi wins the header and flicks it on for Kyoga Nakamura. He took the elevator while the rest were queuing for the stairs. Big clearance from Ilhan Fandi under pressure from the striker, the ball soars into the sky and drops at the halfway line. Irfan Fandi dominates his marker in the air, powerful header to clear the danger. He is the king of the aerial game. Three passes to go through and the last one is intercepted dumbly.

Kai Whitmore sends the game to the other side with a long pass to Ilhan Fandi. Simple in concept, masterful in execution. What frustration, they were flying and the final pass goes nowhere. Harhys Stewart drops a lollipop in behind the defence, Ryhan Stewart read the play perfectly and finds himself one on one. Devastating burst of pace from Ryhan Stewart, he eats the full-back alive on the right flank.

Tame stuff all round, nobody's willing to take a risk. Ilhan Fandi leans into the opponent and sends him off balance. Free kick. Yellow card. Ilhan Fandi racked up too many fouls, the ref couldn't let it slide anymore. Ilhan Fandi's free kick crashes into the wall. They jumped at the right moment. Long ball from Andreas Jungdal for Kyoga Nakamura who takes it down on the chest. Fifty yards of pinpoint accuracy.

Points shared with München Ordnung-Muss-Sein. Andreas Jungdal slumps against the corner flag for a few seconds before pulling himself up. Kyoga Nakamura has a chinwag with their number 10 — old pals from the academy days. Football brings people together, even when nobody's really won. And here's the answer to Pointless But True! Brenda Sogbottom, from Milton Keynes, correctly answered the question, which was 'How many drizzles does it take to officially count as weather?'. The answer was of course three consecutive drizzles, as defined by the Met Office Dampness Protocol of 1991. Brenda wins this magnificent signed Greggs loyalty card! Don't go anywhere! Up next: 'Strictly Come Dancing: Roundabout Edition.' Twelve contestants. One roundabout in Milton Keynes. The cha-cha has never looked more dangerous.

Matchday 15 — vs London Three-Pints

2-1 (W)

They're going for broke, nothing can stop them now. Mad scenes, Andreas Jungdal sprinting to the halfway line to get back up in time. GOOOOL from Kai Whitmore! MAJESTIC angled header on the cross from Ilhan Fandi, the ball brushes the post and is in!

Lightning counter, but the finish is absolutely catastrophic. Ikhsan Fandi catches everyone off guard with a solo burst, he is unstoppable. GOOOOOOL from Ikhsan Fandi! On the pass from Kyoga Nakamura, he curls it with the right foot and beats the keeper at the far post!

Ikhsan Fandi does a 180 in mid-air, lands with fist raised, screams at the sky. Andreas Jungdal launches himself into his arms out of nowhere, both crash down. Andreas Jungdal arrives yelling 'TAKE ME WITH YOU!' and dives on top. Joyful chaos.

The match has hit a real flat patch, no urgency whatsoever. Kyoga Nakamura finds Kai Whitmore between the lines, short pass, right foot, perfect first touch. Brilliant cut-back from Kai Whitmore along the grass for Kyoga Nakamura. That is an absolute peach of a ball. Kyoga Nakamura trips over his own feet in front of the empty net! Kai Whitmore had done it all, what an absolute waste. The game's petered out completely, we're just waiting for someone to spark it.

Ryhan Stewart lays it off first time to Irfan Fandi, fluid stuff, the ball is moving nicely. Irfan Fandi squares it back for Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin, low and hard across the six-yard box, just needs a tap in.

Andreas Jungdal catapults the ball towards Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin from the six-yard box, thirty yards in the air. What a boot. Interception from Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin who sweeps up in midfield. The passer thought he had found the gap, but he did not account for the vision of Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin. One touch football: Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin to Kai Whitmore, faster than the opposition can think.

Kai Whitmore starts a chant and within seconds the whole dressing room joins in. Boots stamping, hands clapping, proper old-school dressing room stuff. Irfan Fandi conducts like it is the Last Night of the Proms. The gaffer lets it go for thirty seconds then kills it: "Save the singing for the pub tonight. We have still got a job to do." Now here's a proper one — Ilhan Fandi was caught by paparazzi doing a big shop in Aldi at half ten at night. Trolley full of knock-off biscuits and frozen pizzas. At 182, the man clearly needs his fuel, and he's not paying Waitrose prices for it. And now, our TV game show Pointless Gestures! To win a royal family commemorative tea towel set, text 0800CROWN and answer: 'How many corgis can fit in a single Buckingham Palace corridor?' And we are back underway! Irfan Fandi jogs to the centre circle, jaw set, eyes locked on the opposition. Second half, let us have it.

The counter is on but the ball is lost dumbly when it's time to play it in. Pass into no-man's land from Ilhan Fandi, nobody on the end of it, the ball rolls straight to the opposition. Gift. Luke O'Nien sprints at the defender and pinches the ball right off his toes. Aggressive pressing, decisive recovery.

What a disaster! London Three-Pints score and you could hear a pin drop in our end.

The entire bench has invaded the pitch. Andreas Jungdal is at the centre, lifted up by Kai Whitmore and Andreas Jungdal, arms spread wide, face turned to the lights like a saint. The photographers are scrapping for the best angle. London Three-Pints's lot can only watch. Picture of the year.

Roulette from Kai Whitmore on his marker, the skill is magnificent, the crowd goes wild! Failed dribble from Kai Whitmore, he tried to do too much and the defender capitalises. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin mistimes the tackle and catches the opponent's shin. Free kick. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin sends an inswinging free kick in, Harhys Stewart rises for the header at the far post.

Luke O'Nien cleans up with a magnificent sliding tackle, wins possession, and plays it forward. That's the complete defensive action. Luke O'Nien slides it to Irfan Fandi, inch-perfect pass along the deck. Lovely. Long ball from Irfan Fandi to Ryhan Stewart, travels like a letter in the post. Flawless change of wing.

Change of flanks from Luke O'Nien, the ball sails across the entire pitch to find Perry Ng. Perry Ng tries to find Luke O'Nien but it is nowhere near him. Sloppy stuff. Luke O'Nien goes to war in the opposition half and comes back with the ball. Pressing is a battle, and Luke O'Nien just won it. Counter-attack fires off the blocks, blistering pace from the front three. Kai Whitmore has a go but it drifts to the right of goal. Not far away though.

Harhys Stewart presses high and picks off the sloppy pass from the defender. When you bring that intensity, the opposition errors come thick and fast. Harhys Stewart unleashes a fierce drive, it's GOIIIIING... wide. Clips the post on the way out though. A thousand passes ending with a backpass to the keeper, utterly frustrating. Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin frees up the entire channel for Ikhsan Fandi with a ball into space. The defence is caught on the wrong foot. Low cut-back from Ikhsan Fandi, the ball threads between the defender's legs and reaches Luke O'Nien.

Brilliant! Muhammad Safuwan Baharudin goes straight to the family section, finds his people in the crowd, and blows kisses with both hands. Andreas Jungdal photobombs from behind with the daftest grin you've ever seen. The post-match interview can wait — this is what football's about. Philippa from Henley-on-Thames says at least fourteen corgis comfortably and twenty at a push. The tea towel set is hers! Don't touch that remote! Up next: 'Antiques Roadshow: Nan's Attic — is that vase worth thousands or did she nick it from a Toby Carvery in 1987?'