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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Boston Ring-Chasers13226
2Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest13226
3Detroit Engine-Roar12324
4San Antonio Skyscrapers12324
5Cleveland Twin-Towers10520
6New York Over-Timers10520
7Denver Horse-Track9618
8Houston Blast-Off8716
9Minnesota Ice-Wall7814
10Toronto Border-Patrol6912
11Los Angeles Nursing-Home6912
12Miami Heart-Attack4118
13Phoenix No-Defense4118
14great guys3126
15Orlando Magic-Beans2134
16Philadelphia Injury-Report1142

Pre-season

Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Great guys! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Genghis Khan. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. The chef's surprise of the evening is Adolf Hitler. A soldier by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the front line with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

81-126 (L)

Adolf Hitler stretches center court! Loosening up, the soldier is getting ready!

Mao Zedong rattles it out! Shaking the temple of basketball with their bare hands intensity!

Kim Jong-un turns it over in the center circle! Butterfingers from this politician!

Genghis Khan watches them score! Just watching, like watching the battle standard gather dust!

Adolf Hitler shakes their head! A soldier who can't believe that just happened!

Break. Mao Zedong collapses next to the vending machine. The staff told me Mao Zedong sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.

Joseph Stalin puts up a prayer... Unanswered! Not even their bare hands can save that!

Mao Zedong gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from competing the game and hooping!

This first-ballot legend Kim Jong-un forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!

Genghis Khan looks to the heavens! A military leader praying for the battle standard to work!

Kim Jong-un looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a politician!

Genghis Khan snaps at the bench on his way out. Kim Jong-un says nothing, but his look says everything. Your commentator lost his press badge during the game. I had to climb over a barrier. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

100-97 (W)

Adolf Hitler, this little firecracker, announced to huge cheers! Wild stands!

Joseph Stalin times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A left-handed block in transition!

Mao Zedong can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!

Joseph Stalin finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!

Mao Zedong adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran revolutionary!

End of the first half. Kim Jong-un is beet red but still standing. Little secret: Kim Jong-un has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Mao Zedong rises up with the game on the line! A buzzer-beater! He lives for this!

Joseph Stalin picks their pocket! A revolutionary with quick hands knows how to handle thieves!

Adolf Hitler, this undisputed superstar, plays to the crowd! A hostile crowd is contagious!

Adolf Hitler nails a fadeaway jumper with the shot clock winding down! Clutch!

This absolute legend Joseph Stalin walks off to a standing ovation! Immense pressure! Incredible!

Mao Zedong cries tears of joy in Adolf Hitler's arms. Kim Jong-un is also crying but nobody knows why. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

93-102 (L)

Adolf Hitler comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the soldier means business!

A deep three from Kim Jong-un goes in and out! Heartbreaking off the pick and roll!

Intercepted! Genghis Khan's pass snatched right out of the air! A military leader would never be that careless!

This absolute legend Genghis Khan picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!

Kim Jong-un, this basketball god, threads the needle for a catch-and-shoot triple under the basket!

Break! Adolf Hitler heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Word is Adolf Hitler sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.

Kim Jong-un, this undersized spark plug, sits down hard on the bench! Injury-prone body written all over his face!

Adolf Hitler, this low-to-the-ground speedster, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Tendency to force bad shots!

Genghis Khan executes a fluid motion offense perfectly! Precision learned as a military leader!

Mao Zedong grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bare hands in the workshop!

Mao Zedong walks off in silence. This global icon gave it all but it wasn't enough.

Kim Jong-un watches the crowd file out in silence. Mao Zedong prefers not to look. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

104-94 (W)

Genghis Khan opens with a catch-and-shoot triple! This basketball god making an early statement!

Kim Jong-un pulls off a thunderous slam out of nowhere! Was that basketball or politician magic? Unbelievable!

Kim Jong-un with the defensive rebound! Secured like only a politician can!

Adolf Hitler with the incredible court vision! This franchise cornerstone sees passes nobody else does!

Kim Jong-un adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a politician with the public policy!

Halftime whistle. Genghis Khan high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know Genghis Khan knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Philadelphia Injury-Report's colors. By accident, obviously. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.

This undisputed superstar Genghis Khan goes to work in transition! A two-handed slam drops beautifully!

Post-game fireworks for Genghis Khan! Brighter than the battle standard on a perfect day!

Joseph Stalin does the dirty work! Hands dirty like a revolutionary at the end of the day!

The story of Adolf Hitler: a soldier by morning, a baller by night. The front line would be proud!

Final buzzer! Adolf Hitler is the hero! This potential GOAT with a game for the ages!

Mao Zedong and Adolf Hitler leap onto each other like kids. Joseph Stalin comes sprinting in and crushes them both. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

98-94 (W)

Joseph Stalin, this small but mighty player, sets the tone immediately! Ridiculous creativity from the jump!

Kim Jong-un boxes out! Making space, that's the politician work ethic!

Kim Jong-un gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the politician touch can't save that one!

Adolf Hitler, this lightning-quick little man, rises above and hammers a double-clutch layup!

Joseph Stalin finds the angle! The angle revolutionary uses for the game!

Intermission. Kim Jong-un dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Did you know Kim Jong-un plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back in action! The coach got the message across.

Kim Jong-un drains the clutch free throw! Steady as a politician steadying their campaign podium!

Adolf Hitler with the denial defense! This global icon not giving an inch!

Fans hold up the front line signs for Adolf Hitler! What a scene!

Adolf Hitler closes it out! Locked it down like a soldier finishing the shift!

Genghis Khan shares the credit! Team player on and off the court!

Adolf Hitler pretends to plant a flag at center court. Mao Zedong stands at attention. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

104-113 (L)

Tip-off! Kim Jong-un gets us started! Let's go!

Kim Jong-un misses the bunny! A politician dropping the public policy from point-blank!

This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!

Genghis Khan can't stay in front! Rallying the war front doesn't build lateral quickness!

Genghis Khan launches and fires a two-handed slam! This solid build lighting it up!

Buzzer sounds, halftime! Adolf Hitler walks head down toward the tunnel. Quick anecdote about Adolf Hitler: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.

Adolf Hitler mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A soldier venting about the front line!

Kim Jong-un, this undersized spark plug, wastes a golden chance with a wild double-clutch layup!

Kim Jong-un outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a politician with their campaign podium!

Adolf Hitler misses the rotation! Too tired, like a soldier too tired for the front line!

Kim Jong-un sits alone on the bench. This generational talent processing the defeat.

Mao Zedong lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Adolf Hitler decides not to comment. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

102-118 (L)

Joseph Stalin looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!

Genghis Khan misfires at the buzzer! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!

Stolen from Kim Jong-un! A politician who let it slip through their fingers!

Genghis Khan overcommits and gets beat! Heavy feet when reading the play!

Mao Zedong blows past and it's an and-one! This living legend proving the doubters wrong!

Back in the locker room, Genghis Khan sits down and stares at the ceiling. Fun fact: Genghis Khan got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.

This basketball god Adolf Hitler shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!

Genghis Khan bricks another one! Building something awful with the battle standard tonight!

Mao Zedong, this absolute legend, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!

Mao Zedong stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a revolutionary over the game!

Kim Jong-un, this once-in-a-lifetime player, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.

Genghis Khan turns back to look at the court one last time. Joseph Stalin doesn't turn around. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

89-124 (L)

Joseph Stalin takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!

Kim Jong-un misfires from downtown! This guy with rings on every finger searching for answers!

Mao Zedong with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise cornerstone giving it away!

This once-in-a-lifetime player Adolf Hitler bites on the fake! Beaten back to the basket!

Genghis Khan, this household name, refuses to high-five! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the chemistry!

Halftime whistle. Kim Jong-un flops into the first available chair. Did you know Kim Jong-un entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.

This first-ballot legend Kim Jong-un with a rare miss on the low block! Even the best stumble!

Adolf Hitler rises up a step slower than usual! Lack of consistency in the tank!

Adolf Hitler, this little guy, gets stripped from the left corner! Lack of consistency exposed!

Mao Zedong slams the pill in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!

This first-ballot legend Joseph Stalin stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this first-ballot legend wanted.

Genghis Khan claps his hands in frustration. Joseph Stalin clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

87-131 (L)

Mao Zedong steps onto the court! From competing the game to this, game time!

Joseph Stalin misses the open look! This absolute legend can't believe it! Tendency to force bad shots!

Joseph Stalin, this compact dynamo, fumbles the entry pass from mid-range!

Genghis Khan gets posterized! A military leader framed by the battle standard in the worst way!

This guy with rings on every finger Joseph Stalin can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!

Well-deserved break. Kim Jong-un looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Fun fact: Kim Jong-un was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.

Adolf Hitler misses the free throw! Defending the front line under pressure is easier!

Genghis Khan is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure military leader stubbornness!

Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!

Genghis Khan stares in disbelief! The look of a military leader who just lost everything!

This living legend Genghis Khan shakes hands and moves on. In the end, heavy feet proved costly.

Genghis Khan collapses into the first available chair. Adolf Hitler stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

106-113 (L)

Joseph Stalin takes the court to a crowd fully behind them! The revolutionary with their bare hands is here!

Joseph Stalin with the contested floater on the low block! No good! Bad selection!

Adolf Hitler gets picked! A soldier getting the front line stolen in broad daylight!

Joseph Stalin gets crossed over! This potential GOAT left frozen at the top of the key!

Kim Jong-un pops the jumper! Clean as their campaign podium after a polish!

Halftime. The physio pounces on Joseph Stalin to massage his thighs. Locker room intel: Joseph Stalin has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.

Adolf Hitler picks up the second technical! This basketball god ejected! Tendency to rush!

Mao Zedong misses at the buzzer! A revolutionary who missed the deadline!

Genghis Khan reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this military leader!

Mao Zedong explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Defense that's basically a suggestion catching up!

Mao Zedong leaves the arena quietly! Quiet as a revolutionary after the game setback!

Genghis Khan unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Joseph Stalin runs a hand down his face. Behind the scenes, I learned Joseph Stalin was also a military leader in a past life. You can feel it in the game. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

93-127 (L)

The gym welcomes Genghis Khan! The military leader with the war front has arrived!

Mao Zedong shoots short! Not enough juice! Even a revolutionary would cringe!

Mao Zedong with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!

Joseph Stalin, this small but mighty player, can't keep up with the speed! Lack of consistency exposed!

Adolf Hitler, this undersized dog, pounds the scorer's table! Limited stamina on full display!

Break. Mao Zedong asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Mao Zedong launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

A fadeaway jumper from Joseph Stalin hits the iron! Ego the size of Texas under the spotlight!

Kim Jong-un takes the rest play! Even a politician needs a breather!

This absolute legend Joseph Stalin commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!

Genghis Khan, this versatile guy, waves off the play call! Heavy feet hurting the team!

Genghis Khan, this versatile guy, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.

Joseph Stalin replays the score in his head on a loop. Genghis Khan tries to think about something else. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

90-135 (L)

Genghis Khan gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a military leader on day one!

Mao Zedong fires a brick from downtown! Way off, even for a revolutionary!

Genghis Khan tries to be too fancy and loses the leather! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!

Joseph Stalin lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this once-in-a-lifetime player fooled!

Mao Zedong storms to the bench! Heated! This revolutionary doesn't handle losing well!

End of the second quarter. Kim Jong-un is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Rumor has it Kim Jong-un talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Air ball from Mao Zedong! Being a revolutionary doesn't help with shooting, apparently!

Kim Jong-un, this low-to-the-ground speedster, with tired legs driving to the hoop! Lack of consistency slowing this household name down!

Adolf Hitler loses the leather in traffic! This once-in-a-lifetime player can't afford that!

Genghis Khan buries their face! Hidden from view, the military leader can't watch!

Adolf Hitler tips the cap to the winners! The soldier's grace with the front line!

Joseph Stalin walks head down toward the tunnel. Genghis Khan drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

90-134 (L)

Genghis Khan rises up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this household name!

This living legend Adolf Hitler misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!

Mao Zedong dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a revolutionary like that!

Adolf Hitler gives up the back door! Tendency to force bad shots when overplaying!

Genghis Khan tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the military leader will bounce back!

Rest. Adolf Hitler buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote of the day: Adolf Hitler forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Act two! The bench players are fired up, the starters too.

Joseph Stalin gets blocked! Rejected harder than a revolutionary's worst day on the job!

Adolf Hitler struggles in the first half! The soldier hitting the wall with the front line!

Kim Jong-un loses the orange! A politician would never be this careless!

Kim Jong-un slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a politician hits the workbench!

Kim Jong-un packs up and heads out! Packing their campaign podium, unpacking emotions!

Mao Zedong refuses the coach's embrace. Genghis Khan accepts it but his body is stiff. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

78-112 (L)

This all-time great Joseph Stalin gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

Mao Zedong rushes a buzzer-beater from mid-range! Tendency to force bad shots creeping in!

This undisputed superstar Joseph Stalin dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!

Mao Zedong, this combo guard, gets exploited in the switch! Ego the size of Texas exposed in the mismatch!

Joseph Stalin kicks the air! The frustration of a revolutionary who knows they can do better!

Halftime whistle. Kim Jong-un high-fives his teammates on the way out. Rumor has it Kim Jong-un has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.

Adolf Hitler misses the layup! Even the front line would have gone in easier!

Kim Jong-un tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a politician's energy for the public policy!

Adolf Hitler with the errant pass! This household name needs to settle down!

Genghis Khan walks away muttering! Muttering about the war front under their breath!

Kim Jong-un walks off in defeat! Even a politician's skills couldn't save tonight!

Genghis Khan rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Joseph Stalin picks up his own and folds it carefully. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

77-122 (L)

Genghis Khan announces themselves! The military leader has arrived and the building knows it!

Brick! Adolf Hitler misfires off the pick and roll! Limited stamina at the worst time!

Mao Zedong coughs up the ball! Lack of consistency strikes again back to the basket!

Mao Zedong left in the dust! Even a revolutionary moves faster than that!

Kim Jong-un can't mask the disappointment! This hall-of-fame lock wearing it on the sleeve!

Coach calls everyone back. Joseph Stalin drags his feet toward the tunnel. Little scoop: Joseph Stalin tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.

This all-time great Joseph Stalin shanks a sky hook from mid-range! That's uncharacteristic!

Kim Jong-un calls for the sub! Even a politician's stamina with their campaign podium has limits!

Adolf Hitler rises up into a trap! Hot head when reading the defense!

This generational talent Kim Jong-un hangs the head after the miss! Deflated at the buzzer!

Genghis Khan spins past the media. This all-time great not in the mood to talk.

Genghis Khan whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Mao Zedong nods without conviction. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.

great guys finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Genghis Khan.

🏀
#14
Rank
3W-12L
Record
-350
+/-
273
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
Genghis Khan
MVP

Season Journal

Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... Great guys!

The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Genghis Khan. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.

You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.

The chef's surprise of the evening is Adolf Hitler. A soldier by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the front line with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.

The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.

🏆

great guys finishes #14 (3W-12L). Better luck next season! MVP: Genghis Khan.

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