Austin Oilers — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
| 16 | Austin Oilers | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Austin Oilers! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. George Washington. The man. The beast. Standing at 74 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Theodore Roosevelt is on this team. Theodore Roosevelt, who is an explorer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with worn compass under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
80-124 (L)
Barack Obama starts in the rim protector! Playing the rim protector the way a community organizer plays with their bullhorn!
Barack Obama gets blocked! Rejected harder than a community organizer's worst day on the job!
This global icon Theodore Roosevelt dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Abraham Lincoln gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
Barack Obama dribbles and kicks the stanchion! This living legend losing composure!
Rest time. George Washington isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Intel: George Washington once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
John F. Kennedy misses! Even a statesperson can't fix that shot!
Barack Obama grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their bullhorn in the workshop!
Barack Obama double-dribbles! Rallying the neighborhood doesn't have that rule!
George Washington throws their hands up! Like a farmer when the seed dibber breaks!
This global icon John F. Kennedy leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Abraham Lincoln taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. George Washington walks through the door without pushing it. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
86-131 (L)
George Washington steps onto the floor! From cultivating the stubborn soil to this, game time!
This franchise cornerstone John F. Kennedy whiffs on a sky hook! The crowd groans!
Barack Obama loses the orange in traffic! This global icon can't afford that!
George Washington caught flat-footed! Standing still, the farmer reflexes took a nap!
John F. Kennedy drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!
Break. Barack Obama asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Little scoop: Barack Obama logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
John F. Kennedy can't hit from the low post! That zone is cursed for this statesperson!
Barack Obama gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from rallying the neighborhood and hooping!
George Washington throws it out of bounds! Like launching the seed dibber into the void!
Abraham Lincoln posts up the towel! This all-time great showing injury-prone body!
Abraham Lincoln leaves the field house quietly! Quiet as a farmer after the stubborn soil setback!
Barack Obama's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. George Washington breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
91-101 (L)
Abraham Lincoln dunks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this guy with rings on every finger!
An and-one from John F. Kennedy goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
George Washington trips up in the restricted area! A farmer never trips at work... Right?
John F. Kennedy gets screened out of the play! This living legend lost in traffic!
John F. Kennedy banks a double-clutch layup off the glass! Geometry learned from the statesperson life!
The players disappear. John F. Kennedy has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: John F. Kennedy tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
John F. Kennedy, this absolute legend, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Theodore Roosevelt explodes but it's well off! Defense that's basically a suggestion under fatigue!
Abraham Lincoln uses the hesitation dribble! A gym-rat work ethic creating separation!
Barack Obama mops their face! Sweating more than when rallying the neighborhood!
Abraham Lincoln reflects on what could have been. Sometimes predictable game the difference tonight.
Abraham Lincoln is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. George Washington waits at the tunnel entrance. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
88-133 (L)
Abraham Lincoln gets the starting nod! A farmer starting with the seed dibber confidence!
Theodore Roosevelt whiffs on the jumper! An explorer off their game with the worn compass!
This guy with rings on every finger Barack Obama loses concentration and the ball with it!
This first-ballot legend John F. Kennedy fouls reaching in! Hot head on defense!
Barack Obama glares at the pill! Like it personally betrayed this community organizer!
Halftime! George Washington walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Did you know? George Washington launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
John F. Kennedy can't convert the open shot! Navigating the political storm is way easier!
Theodore Roosevelt is gassed! More tired than after a full day of breaching the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt turns it over at after a timeout! An explorer dropping the worn compass at the worst time!
Barack Obama argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the neighborhood!
Abraham Lincoln vows to come back stronger! Stronger than the seed dibber reinforced with the stubborn soil!
Theodore Roosevelt watches the crowd file out in silence. George Washington prefers not to look. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
85-117 (L)
George Washington explodes with energy from the opening whistle! This guy with rings on every finger locked in!
Air ball from Abraham Lincoln! Being a farmer doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Sloppy handling by George Washington! Cultivating the stubborn soil is done with more finesse!
Theodore Roosevelt beaten to the spot! Slower than an explorer on a Monday morning!
Barack Obama, this franchise cornerstone, refuses to high-five! Sometimes predictable game hurting the chemistry!
End of the second quarter. John F. Kennedy is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Anecdote: John F. Kennedy tried to impress the Phoenix No-Defense players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
John F. Kennedy fires a floater on the low block but can't connect! Hot head showing!
John F. Kennedy dishes but can't sustain the effort! Sometimes predictable game emptying the tank!
Barack Obama tries to be too fancy and loses the Spalding! Hot head in the decision-making!
Theodore Roosevelt slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than an explorer hits the workbench!
Abraham Lincoln refuses to make excuses! A farmer owns the stubborn soil failures too!
George Washington kicks his towel across the floor. Barack Obama has already left for the locker room, alone. I learned backstage that Barack Obama also does farmer on weekends. That explains those reflexes. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-130 (L)
George Washington takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Barack Obama, this smooth operator, can't finish facing the rim! That one stings!
Theodore Roosevelt gets picked! An explorer getting the uncharted wild stolen in broad daylight!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, fouls unnecessarily under the basket! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Abraham Lincoln looks to the heavens! A farmer praying for the seed dibber to work!
Both teams head in. Theodore Roosevelt has a red mark on his cheek from an elbow. Did you know Theodore Roosevelt entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Barack Obama sends it wide! Their bullhorn wouldn't forgive that either!
Theodore Roosevelt is cramping up! This potential GOAT trying to shake it off! Tendency to force bad shots!
John F. Kennedy with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost statesperson!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
George Washington walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to farmer life tomorrow!
Theodore Roosevelt takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. George Washington doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
79-121 (L)
Barack Obama looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
This living legend George Washington shanks a step-back three in transition! That's uncharacteristic!
Barack Obama throws it away! A pass worse than a community organizer tossing the neighborhood!
Barack Obama lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this hall-of-fame lock fooled!
Abraham Lincoln, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!
Halftime. Abraham Lincoln glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: Abraham Lincoln tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Abraham Lincoln fires and misses from along the baseline. Should have stuck with the stubborn soil!
John F. Kennedy misses from fatigue! Tired arms from navigating the political storm all week!
Abraham Lincoln dishes into a trap! Heavy feet when reading the defense!
Barack Obama walks away muttering! Muttering about the neighborhood under their breath!
George Washington looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a farmer!
Theodore Roosevelt sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. John F. Kennedy puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
90-119 (L)
Abraham Lincoln bounces the damn ball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Barack Obama forces up a pull-up jumper over the defense! Ego the size of Texas! Bad decision!
Abraham Lincoln forces the pass! Forcing the seed dibber where it doesn't fit!
John F. Kennedy gives up the easy bucket! Easier than navigating the political storm!
John F. Kennedy launches and scores! A finger roll! This all-around player is a problem!
Break. Theodore Roosevelt collapses next to the vending machine. Intel: Theodore Roosevelt once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
John F. Kennedy pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The statesperson in them is showing!
John F. Kennedy off the back iron! Hard miss, even a statesperson cringes at that!
George Washington, this small but mighty player, exploits the mismatch on the low block! Smart play!
Barack Obama is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure community organizer stubbornness!
This generational talent Theodore Roosevelt congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this generational talent.
George Washington walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Abraham Lincoln speeds up. Wants it to be over. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
89-118 (L)
George Washington opens with a buzzer beater! This basketball god making an early statement!
George Washington misses the bunny! A farmer dropping the stubborn soil from point-blank!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, gets called for the carry! Lack of consistency in ball-handling!
Barack Obama gets posted up and scored on! This guy with rings on every finger overpowered!
Abraham Lincoln with a thunderous slam on the break! Running like they're late for work!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, George Washington picks up the pace. Little secret: George Washington watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Barack Obama glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
This global icon Theodore Roosevelt misfires again! Ego the size of Texas could cost the team!
George Washington zones up! Defensive zone like a farmer's the stubborn soil zone!
Barack Obama asks for the ball to slow the pace! This absolute legend needs air!
Abraham Lincoln wipes a tear! A farmer who poured everything into the effort!
Barack Obama hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Theodore Roosevelt keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
85-130 (L)
John F. Kennedy, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A roaring arena!
A devastating dunk from George Washington hits the iron! Tendency to rush under the spotlight!
John F. Kennedy throws it into the stands! What was that from this hall-of-fame lock!
Barack Obama turns the head and loses the man! This hall-of-fame lock napping defensively!
John F. Kennedy, this generational talent, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Break! George Washington heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little secret: George Washington listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Abraham Lincoln with the contested hook shot under the basket! No good! Bad selection!
George Washington asks for ice! Cooling down, even a farmer's engine needs a rest!
Barack Obama dribbles it off their foot! Their bullhorn would never betray a community organizer like that!
This first-ballot legend Abraham Lincoln slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
George Washington consoles teammates! The heart of a farmer in that moment!
John F. Kennedy leaves the court at a jog. Theodore Roosevelt stays there, planted at center court, motionless. Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt practices farmer on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
81-126 (L)
Abraham Lincoln blows past into position! This once-in-a-lifetime player not wasting any time!
Theodore Roosevelt shoots but the shot rims out! Heavy feet rears its ugly head!
Theodore Roosevelt loses possession! The uncharted wild never leaves an explorer's hands like that!
This generational talent George Washington commits the and-one foul! Heavy feet in positioning!
Abraham Lincoln slams the damn ball in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Halftime! George Washington checks his stats on the board and winces. Staff confession: George Washington is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Abraham Lincoln skips it off the rim! The stubborn soil has better hop than that!
George Washington is running on fumes! The farmer tank is completely empty!
Theodore Roosevelt with the errant pass! This all-time great needs to settle down!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
John F. Kennedy packs up and heads out! Packing their diplomatic pouch, unpacking emotions!
George Washington takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Barack Obama follows the same path. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
80-125 (L)
John F. Kennedy checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Theodore Roosevelt misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim the worn compass at the uncharted wild!
Theodore Roosevelt loses the Spalding! An explorer would never be this careless!
This global icon George Washington can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Ego the size of Texas!
Barack Obama kicks the air! The frustration of a community organizer who knows they can do better!
Off to the locker room. Barack Obama has already drained two water bottles. Juicy intel: Barack Obama turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. We're back! The players look fired up.
Theodore Roosevelt misfires again! Having the uncharted wild-shaped night!
This certified GOAT candidate John F. Kennedy can't close out! The legs are shot at half court!
Barack Obama coughs it up! A community organizer's grip doesn't work on the rock!
Theodore Roosevelt buries their face! Hidden from view, the explorer can't watch!
John F. Kennedy hangs their head! A statesperson who gave everything they had!
Theodore Roosevelt has bags under his eyes that weren't there before the game. John F. Kennedy has aged ten years in forty minutes. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
75-119 (L)
Barack Obama lands the first bank shot! First blood! The community organizer strikes first!
Abraham Lincoln forces a pull-up jumper on the low block! This generational talent trying too hard!
George Washington fades away carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
This guy with rings on every finger George Washington bites on the fake! Beaten from the left corner!
Abraham Lincoln mouths off at right from the tip-off! A farmer venting about the stubborn soil!
Halftime. Theodore Roosevelt's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. I've been told Theodore Roosevelt always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
George Washington, this compact dynamo, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Barack Obama gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a community organizer begging the neighborhood for mercy!
Barack Obama with the backcourt violation! This franchise cornerstone under too much pressure!
Abraham Lincoln storms to the bench! Heated! This farmer doesn't handle losing well!
John F. Kennedy, this undisputed superstar, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Barack Obama snaps at the bench on his way out. Theodore Roosevelt says nothing, but his look says everything. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-128 (L)
Barack Obama announces themselves! The community organizer has arrived and the building knows it!
Theodore Roosevelt gets a clean look but shaky emotions under pressure costs the bucket!
John F. Kennedy charges right into the defender! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion when controlling pace!
George Washington loses the battle in the paint! Being a farmer doesn't help you here!
Theodore Roosevelt shoots away from the huddle! This basketball god in a dark place mentally!
Both teams head to the locker room. Barack Obama wipes his forehead with his jersey. Little scoop: Barack Obama logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Play resumes. The DJ drops a beat to hype up the crowd.
Abraham Lincoln, this potential GOAT, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
John F. Kennedy needs oxygen! More winded than a statesperson after overtime!
Barack Obama, this combo guard, fumbles the entry pass from the right corner!
Theodore Roosevelt drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an explorer's spirit has limits!
This living legend Abraham Lincoln tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
John F. Kennedy lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Barack Obama decides not to comment. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Theodore Roosevelt, this compact dynamo, is introduced and the arena explodes! This guy with rings on every finger is in the building!
Barack Obama pulls up the rock awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this once-in-a-lifetime player!
Theodore Roosevelt with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the uncharted wild!
John F. Kennedy left in the dust! Even a statesperson moves faster than that!
John F. Kennedy is visibly upset! Upset as a statesperson when the political storm goes sideways!
That's a wrap for now. Barack Obama dives into the tunnel. Rumor has it Barack Obama talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Tipoff! The ball bounces, the arena vibrates, we're back.
Theodore Roosevelt misfires! The explorer's precision with the uncharted wild is nowhere to be found!
Abraham Lincoln stumbles on the play! Stumbling like a farmer over the stubborn soil!
Barack Obama botches the handoff! Even their bullhorn exchanges go smoother!
Theodore Roosevelt mutters to himself walking back! This hall-of-fame lock fighting inner demons!
Despite the loss, Barack Obama held their own with the neighborhood! The community organizer fought!
Abraham Lincoln's complexion is grey. George Washington's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Austin Oilers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: George Washington.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Austin Oilers!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. George Washington. The man. The beast. Standing at 74 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
I asked a former player what it felt like to guard him. He looked at me with hollow eyes and said: "It's like trying to catch smoke." Smoke, my friends. You think you've got him, you close your hands, and there's nothing there. He's already on the other side of the court drilling a three in your face with a little smirk. The kind of player who makes you want to quit basketball and open a bakery, because at least bread doesn't disappear when you try to touch it.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Theodore Roosevelt is on this team. Theodore Roosevelt, who is an explorer and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The guy shows up with worn compass under his arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At his first practice, he tried a crossover and twisted his ankle. At his second, he attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this man has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Austin Oilers finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: George Washington.
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