star wars — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | star wars | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Star wars! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Luke Skywalker. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 185 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: she signed Darth Vader, her brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The girl showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Darth Vader can place a basketball with the same precision she uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the girl's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-123 (L)
Yoda, this rising star, draws first blood! A reverse layup to start!
Chewbacca, this combo guard, gets stuffed trying a euro-step! Denied!
Luke Skywalker dunks the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this name that's buzzing!
Luke Skywalker gambles for the steal and pays the price! Sometimes predictable game!
Yoda dishes away from the huddle! This dude out of nowhere in a dark place mentally!
Halftime. Darth Vader glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Darth Vader threw up before her first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
This guy everybody knows Palpatine short-arms a scoop layup back to the basket! Not enough lift!
Luke Skywalker jogs instead of sprints! Conserving energy for leading the field platoon tomorrow!
Luke Skywalker forces the pass! Forcing their command saber where it doesn't fit!
Luke Skywalker tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the officer will bounce back!
This player on the come-up Luke Skywalker congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this player on the come-up.
Chewbacca's gaze is cold, distant. Luke Skywalker's gaze is hot, angry. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-123 (L)
Chewbacca looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Yoda with the off-balance thunderous slam! This hungry young player couldn't set the feet!
Yoda with the lazy pass! Injury-prone body leading to easy points!
Luke Skywalker, this solid build, gets dunked on in transition! Poster material!
Palpatine, this tweener, pounds the scorer's table! Hot head on full display!
The players leave the court. Luke Skywalker clings to the tunnel railing. Juicy anecdote: Luke Skywalker was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back at it! The players jog toward center court.
Darth Vader explodes but overcooks it! Tendency to rush showing up again!
Yoda, this swiss-army-knife type, is drenched in sweat! Emptying the tank!
This solid pro Luke Skywalker gets pickpocketed from downtown! Sloppy handling!
Darth Vader storms to the bench! Heated! This movie actor doesn't handle losing well!
Yoda rises up to the tunnel in disappointment. This who-is-this-guy player will learn from this.
Luke Skywalker pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Chewbacca takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
86-130 (L)
Darth Vader locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a movie actor who means business!
Chewbacca, this hungry young player, pulls the trigger from the right corner but no luck!
Chewbacca loses the rock in traffic! This dark horse can't afford that!
Palpatine lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this certified bucket fooled!
Chewbacca launches and kicks the stanchion! This hungry young player losing composure!
Halftime! Yoda has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. They say Yoda eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Yoda, this smooth operator, gets the separation but can't finish! Tendency to rush!
Palpatine, this tweener, with tired legs at the buzzer! Defense that's basically a suggestion slowing this bonafide star down!
Luke Skywalker passes to nobody! This well-respected player with a head-scratching decision!
Yoda, this newcomer, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Luke Skywalker fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the officer gave everything!
Palpatine sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Yoda puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. Evening confession: I'm wearing Palpatine's jersey under my shirt. For morale. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
84-129 (L)
Darth Vader begins their shift on the arena! A movie actor starting the script binder shift!
Palpatine takes off the ball into nothing! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display tonight!
Palpatine penetrates into a trap! Tendency to rush when reading the defense!
Yoda, this all-around player, gets exploited in the switch! Lack of consistency exposed in the mismatch!
Palpatine mutters to himself walking back! This bonafide star fighting inner demons!
Cut! Halftime. Luke Skywalker's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. They say Luke Skywalker has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
Yoda fires a pull-up jumper from downtown but can't connect! Tendency to rush showing!
Darth Vader gets the cramp timeout! Cramping from portraying the film character and hooping!
Chewbacca with the backcourt violation! This diamond in the rough under too much pressure!
Palpatine can't mask the disappointment! This All-Star caliber talent wearing it on the sleeve!
This who-is-this-guy player Chewbacca leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Palpatine sits on the floor in the hallway. Chewbacca sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
87-131 (L)
Darth Vader starts in the elite shooter! Playing the elite shooter the way a movie actor plays with the script binder!
This dude out of nowhere Yoda rattles it out! So close yet so far at the buzzer!
Yoda drives into a dead end from way beyond the arc! Turnover! Tendency to rush!
Yoda gets burned on the drive! Ego the size of Texas in lateral movement!
This dude out of nowhere Yoda shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Halftime! Yoda checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Yoda tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Chewbacca, this dude out of nowhere, with the shot-clock heave! No good under the basket!
This surprise package Chewbacca can barely jump! The springs are gone off the pick and roll!
This world-class player Palpatine commits the offensive foul! Turnover from downtown!
Darth Vader waves off the play! The authority of a movie actor in that gesture!
Palpatine, this tweener, trudges off the court. Lessons to take from this one.
Luke Skywalker turns back to look at the court one last time. Yoda doesn't turn around. I got a text from Luke Skywalker after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
77-121 (L)
Chewbacca, this guy nobody was talking about, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Darth Vader heaves and misses! Should have heaved the film character instead!
Luke Skywalker throws it into the stands! What was that from this player making noise!
Luke Skywalker overcommits! Going all-in like an officer on the field platoon, but wrong!
This franchise guy Palpatine can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Break time. Yoda bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Fun fact: Yoda blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Luke Skywalker with a rough bucket under the basket! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Yoda takes off but the legs won't cooperate! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
This reliable star Palpatine dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Yoda, this solid build, waves off the play call! Tendency to force bad shots hurting the team!
Palpatine reflects on what could have been. Hot head the difference tonight.
Darth Vader walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Luke Skywalker drags one foot after the other. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
85-130 (L)
Luke Skywalker gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like an officer on day one!
Yoda lets fly and fires but misses everything! Ego the size of Texas tonight!
Chewbacca with the errant pass! This total unknown needs to settle down!
This potential breakout star Yoda misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Palpatine posts up angrily after the turnover! This bonafide star spiraling!
Rest time. Palpatine isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know? Palpatine has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Palpatine forces a pull-up jumper back to the basket! This guy everybody knows trying too hard!
Palpatine misses from fatigue! This elite player can't get the elevation under the basket!
Luke Skywalker coughs up the leather! Hot head strikes again back to the basket!
This surprise package Chewbacca throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Palpatine walks off in silence. This headliner gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Luke Skywalker takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Chewbacca follows the same path. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
81-125 (L)
Luke Skywalker fades away into position! This well-respected player not wasting any time!
Palpatine, this tweener, can't get a step-back three to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This elite player Palpatine with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Luke Skywalker fouls trying to recover! Desperate as an officer chasing the field platoon!
Darth Vader vents at their teammates! The movie actor who vents about the film character!
Halftime. The doctor examines Palpatine's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Staff confession: Palpatine is afraid of pigeons. Not 7-foot centers, no. Pigeons. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Palpatine dishes but the shot rims out! Tendency to force bad shots rears its ugly head!
This hidden prospect Yoda signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Injury-prone body!
Palpatine with a wild pass that sails out! This jersey-selling name giving it away!
Palpatine, this swiss-army-knife type, shows negative body language! Hot head creeping in!
Chewbacca sits alone on the bench. This total unknown processing the defeat.
Luke Skywalker clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Yoda fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
81-126 (L)
This hungry young player Yoda opens the scoring! A scoop layup! Early advantage!
Chewbacca air-mails a layup in the paint! Way off for this rising star!
Stolen from Darth Vader! A movie actor who let it slip through their fingers!
This global icon Darth Vader caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Palpatine storms to the bench! This jersey-selling name is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle. Darth Vader flops into the first available chair. Confession: Darth Vader believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Yoda, this raw talent, fumbles the finish from downtown! Back to the drawing board!
Luke Skywalker is gassed! More tired than after a full day of leading the field platoon!
Darth Vader with the careless pass! Portraying the film character with more care, please!
Darth Vader pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The movie actor in them is showing!
Darth Vader consoles teammates! The heart of a movie actor in that moment!
Darth Vader's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Yoda hides his eyes under a towel. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
74-118 (L)
And we're underway! Yoda touches the orange first! This newcomer looks eager!
This player on the come-up Luke Skywalker misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Palpatine throws it away! Ego the size of Texas under pressure from the left corner!
Palpatine falls asleep on the weak side! Heavy feet exposed!
Darth Vader slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a movie actor hits the workbench!
Into the tunnel. Palpatine grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Fun fact: Palpatine tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Luke Skywalker rattles it out! Shaking the floor with their command saber intensity!
Luke Skywalker is running on pure willpower! This dude putting the league on notice refusing to quit!
Chewbacca posts up carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Luke Skywalker drops their shoulders! Deflated, even an officer's spirit has limits!
This newcomer Chewbacca tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Luke Skywalker punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. Darth Vader slides down the wall to the floor. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Game time! Chewbacca and this hungry young player ready to put on a show at the court!
Darth Vader misfires from mid-range! Even this household name has off nights!
Yoda, this all-around player, gets stripped from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet exposed!
Palpatine, this versatile guy, fouls unnecessarily at half court! Sometimes predictable game!
Darth Vader picks up the second technical! This franchise cornerstone ejected! Ego the size of Texas!
Halftime whistle. Palpatine high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Palpatine tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Palpatine gets a clean look but lack of consistency costs the bucket!
Luke Skywalker is running on fumes! The officer tank is completely empty!
Yoda, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Occasional mental lapses in the footwork!
Yoda drops the head after another miss! Lack of consistency sapping the confidence!
Chewbacca had the chances but couldn't convert. This player nobody saw coming left wanting.
Luke Skywalker isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Chewbacca tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
79-123 (L)
The venue welcomes Luke Skywalker! The officer with the field platoon has arrived!
Yoda forces a bad buzzer-beater! This dude out of nowhere needs to trust teammates!
Chewbacca, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the basketball! Mental lapse!
Yoda overcommits and gets beat! Injury-prone body when reading the play!
This surprise package Chewbacca hangs the head after the miss! Deflated off the pick and roll!
Halftime whistle. Chewbacca flops into the first available chair. Little scoop: Chewbacca collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Darth Vader, this potential GOAT, sends the rock wide! The touch is off tonight!
This jersey-selling name Palpatine is a warrior but the body says no! The four quarters of war!
Darth Vader dribbles it off their foot! The script binder would never betray a movie actor like that!
This who-is-this-guy player Yoda stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Darth Vader leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a movie actor after the film character setback!
Luke Skywalker scratches the back of his neck nervously. Yoda has the look of someone who has seen things. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
77-122 (L)
Palpatine, this big-name player, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Yoda dishes the pill into the front rim! That's frustrating for this who-is-this-guy player!
Luke Skywalker, this versatile guy, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted from downtown!
This surprise package Chewbacca bites on the fake! Beaten off the pick and roll!
This surprise package Yoda gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Luke Skywalker asks for an ice pack. Quick anecdote about Luke Skywalker: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
A reverse layup from Yoda goes in and out! Heartbreaking along the baseline!
Luke Skywalker slows down visibly! Slower than their command saber on low power!
Darth Vader trips up in half court! A movie actor never trips at work... Right?
Darth Vader kicks the air! The frustration of a movie actor who knows they can do better!
Yoda, this total unknown, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Palpatine sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Yoda winces. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
82-126 (L)
Luke Skywalker steps onto the arena! From leading the field platoon to this, game time!
Yoda with a wild attempt! This dude out of nowhere not finding the range tonight!
This dude out of nowhere Chewbacca with turnover number points! Occasional mental lapses is piling up!
Palpatine, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Palpatine slams the pill in frustration! Occasional mental lapses on full display!
Well-deserved break. Chewbacca looks like someone who just ran a marathon. They say Chewbacca has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Palpatine, this elite player, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Yoda bends over during the dead ball! This unknown gem gathering what's left!
Palpatine charges right into the defender! Turnover! Tendency to rush when controlling pace!
Darth Vader stares in disbelief! The look of a movie actor who just lost everything!
This unknown gem Chewbacca stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this unknown gem wanted.
Darth Vader sits down on the hardwood, head on her knees. Yoda puts a hand on her shoulder without saying a word. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good evening! Coming up: 'Dancing with the Stars: My Cousin's Wedding Edition.' Open bar.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
78-123 (L)
Chewbacca, this combo guard, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
Yoda, this versatile guy, bobbles the Spalding and the chance evaporates at the buzzer!
This undisputed superstar Darth Vader commits the 5-second violation! Clock management injury-prone body!
Palpatine loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Chewbacca, this hungry young player, barks at the teammate! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
The players file out. Chewbacca exchanges a tense look with the coach. They say Chewbacca eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Luke Skywalker launches a devastating dunk and... Airball! Tendency to rush at its peak!
Chewbacca is gassed! This guy nobody was talking about bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Palpatine tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Shaky emotions under pressure in the decision-making!
Luke Skywalker walks away muttering! Muttering about the field platoon under their breath!
Yoda penetrates past the media. This total unknown not in the mood to talk.
Darth Vader clenches her left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Yoda fidgets with his wristband nervously. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
star wars finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Luke Skywalker.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... Star wars!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Luke Skywalker. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 185 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: she signed Darth Vader, her brother-in-law and a movie actor by trade, on a ten-day contract. The girl showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying script binder and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Darth Vader can place a basketball with the same precision she uses for film character to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the girl's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
star wars finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Luke Skywalker.
💬 💬 Comments & Suggestions (0)
💭
No comments yet. Be the first to share your opinion!
Do you like this creation?
Share it with your friends!





