lebron squad — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | lebron squad | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Lebron squad! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Cristiano Ronaldo, his brother-in-law and an association football player by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their football boots and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Cristiano Ronaldo can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the winning goal to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
98-127 (L)
Wreck-It Ralph steps onto the court! From competing the game to this, game time!
James Bond can't connect! Their hidden camera in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Jesus Christ with the backcourt violation! A messiah going backwards with the game!
Hulk gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the hidden truth behind their lab notebook!
Wreck-It Ralph strings together a thunderous slam in the paint. Natural-born leadership on full display!
That's a wrap for now. Cristiano Ronaldo dives into the tunnel. Rumor has it Cristiano Ronaldo talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
James Bond mutters to himself walking back! This guy with a proven track record fighting inner demons!
James Bond, this legit talent, with a contested thunderous slam that misses in transition!
James Bond reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this spy!
Jesus Christ is gassed! This living legend bent over at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure catching up!
James Bond packs up and heads out! Packing their hidden camera, unpacking emotions!
Hulk's lip is trembling. Jesus Christ dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. I learned that Hulk's father was a messiah. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
99-106 (L)
This first-ballot legend Cristiano Ronaldo comes out aggressive! Opens with a fadeaway jumper at half court!
Jesus Christ misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
James Bond coughs up the basketball! Limited stamina strikes again facing the rim!
Jesus Christ gets screened out of the play! This hall-of-fame lock lost in traffic!
Wreck-It Ralph with the fadeaway catch-and-shoot triple! Smooth as their bare hands in action!
End of the first act. James Bond is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Did you know? James Bond launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Cristiano Ronaldo throws their hands up! Like an association football player when their football boots breaks!
Wreck-It Ralph, this dude out of nowhere, comes up empty! A bucket off target driving to the hoop!
James Bond uses an isolation-heavy offense to get open! Open space created with their hidden camera smarts!
Cristiano Ronaldo is cramping up! This certified GOAT candidate trying to shake it off! Tendency to rush!
James Bond walks off in defeat! Even a spy's skills couldn't save tonight!
Hulk walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. James Bond drags one foot after the other. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
99-119 (L)
Hulk gets the starting nod! A scientist starting with their lab notebook confidence!
That one wasn't even close, Cristiano Ronaldo! Stick to scoring the winning goal!
Cristiano Ronaldo trips up in the free-throw line! An association football player never trips at work... Right?
James Bond, this tweener, gets blown by on the perimeter! Limited stamina in the legs!
Wreck-It Ralph shoots the basketball with purpose! A sky hook! This guy nobody was talking about means business!
The players head to the locker room. Hulk is sweating like a racehorse. Anecdote: Hulk tried to impress the Orlando Magic-Beans players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this all-time great, yells at the coaching staff! Sometimes predictable game causing friction!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, pulls the trigger at the buzzer but no luck!
Wreck-It Ralph goes to the post! That crane operator strength is showing!
Jesus Christ gulps water! As thirsty as a messiah reaching for the game!
This surprise package Wreck-It Ralph stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this surprise package wanted.
Hulk stares at the floor while James Bond mutters something inaudible under his breath. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Hulk's name. Forgive me. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
93-113 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo sets the tone early! The association football player came to play tonight!
Cristiano Ronaldo rattles it out! Shaking the den with their football boots intensity!
James Bond botches the handoff! Even their hidden camera exchanges go smoother!
Cristiano Ronaldo can't stay in front! Scoring the winning goal doesn't build lateral quickness!
Jesus Christ scores off the glass! Bank shot precision of a messiah!
Back in the locker room, Cristiano Ronaldo sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little secret: Cristiano Ronaldo watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. We're back! Flushed cheeks and hungry eyes on the players.
Wreck-It Ralph slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a crane operator hits the workbench!
James Bond with the ugly miss! The spy touch is absent tonight!
Cristiano Ronaldo runs the offense! Running it like an association football player runs the show!
Hulk is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure scientist stubbornness!
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Wreck-It Ralph takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. James Bond doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I learned tonight that Wreck-It Ralph used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
99-96 (W)
Hulk, this hall-of-fame lock, draws first blood! A layup to start!
Jesus Christ slides to the passing lane and steals it! An unmatched feel for the game!
Hulk launches a devastating dunk and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Hulk rises up with the precision of a scientist at work. And it's a devastating dunk!
Hulk outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a scientist with their lab notebook!
Cut! Halftime. Hulk's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Rumor has it Hulk tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ with the money shot! Worth its weight in their bare hands!
Wreck-It Ralph picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure crane operator reflexes!
Chants of 'association football player! Association football player!' fill the arena for Cristiano Ronaldo!
James Bond with the big-time rebound! Got those spy hands!
James Bond daps up the opposition! Class act, on and off the court!
Jesus Christ charges toward the crowd. Cristiano Ronaldo catches him just before he dives into the stands. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
95-123 (L)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Off the mark for James Bond! Great spy, not so great at basketball tonight!
Hulk coughs it up! A scientist's grip doesn't work on the leather!
Wreck-It Ralph, this tweener, can't keep up with the speed! Injury-prone body exposed!
James Bond catches fire! And it's a devastating dunk! An unmatched feel for the game taking over!
Break. Wreck-It Ralph collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. True story: Wreck-It Ralph walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Los Angeles Nursing-Home. Awkward. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
Jesus Christ can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the orange frustration!
Cristiano Ronaldo bricks another one! Building something awful with their football boots tonight!
James Bond makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a spy behind the enemy state!
Jesus Christ, this first-ballot legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
James Bond leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a spy after the enemy state setback!
Cristiano Ronaldo walks toward the tunnel without a word. Jesus Christ stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
96-98 (L)
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Cristiano Ronaldo pulls up and drills a devastating dunk! Can't teach that!
This absolute legend Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
James Bond clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their hidden camera hitting the enemy state!
James Bond sparks the comeback! The spy fire from their hidden camera ignites the arena!
Halftime whistle. James Bond high-fives his teammates on the way out. Anecdote: James Bond fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
James Bond, this smooth operator, chokes on the big stage! In the dying seconds miss!
Hulk, this guy with rings on every finger, barks at the teammate! Injury-prone body taking over!
Hulk, this smooth operator, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this franchise cornerstone right now!
James Bond goes to work but can't score in the closing moments! Opportunity lost!
Cristiano Ronaldo vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their football boots reinforced with the winning goal!
Wreck-It Ralph bites the inside of his cheek. Cristiano Ronaldo pinches the bridge of his nose. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-120 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Hulk forces up a deep three over the defense! Limited stamina! Bad decision!
Wreck-It Ralph throws it into the stands! What was that from this raw talent!
Hulk gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the hidden truth on a rough day!
This hall-of-fame lock Jesus Christ with a vintage floater! The old magic is still there!
End of the second quarter. Cristiano Ronaldo is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Rumor has it Cristiano Ronaldo talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Jesus Christ walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
James Bond misses the open look! A spy never misses the enemy state... But misses the leather!
This hungry young player Wreck-It Ralph runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Jesus Christ barely gets back on defense! Moving like a messiah on a Friday afternoon!
Jesus Christ takes the loss hard! Hard as the game on a bad messiah day!
James Bond refuses the coach's embrace. Jesus Christ accepts it but his body is stiff. I learned tonight that James Bond used to be a messiah. That explains the unique running style. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-113 (L)
James Bond fires up the crowd to open the game! This established player starting strong!
Cristiano Ronaldo denied by the basket! Even an association football player can't pry it open!
This living legend Cristiano Ronaldo gets pickpocketed from mid-range! Sloppy handling!
This guy with rings on every finger Hulk fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Jesus Christ sinks it in transition. A messiah never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, James Bond picks up the pace. The staff told me James Bond sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Cristiano Ronaldo, this combo guard, waves off the play call! Sometimes predictable game hurting the team!
Cristiano Ronaldo forces a bad catch-and-shoot triple! This all-time great needs to trust teammates!
Wreck-It Ralph executes a full-court press perfectly! Precision learned as a crane operator!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this hall-of-fame lock, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
James Bond is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Jesus Christ waits at the tunnel entrance. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-129 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo, this versatile guy, announced to huge cheers! A Finals-like atmosphere!
James Bond sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this spy!
Jesus Christ passes to nobody! This living legend with a head-scratching decision!
This next-level player James Bond picks up the cheap foul! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
James Bond storms to the bench! Heated! This spy doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime! Jesus Christ walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Small detail: Jesus Christ wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Hulk rushes a step-back three from the right corner! Defense that's basically a suggestion creeping in!
Cristiano Ronaldo asks for ice! Cooling down, even an association football player's engine needs a rest!
Cristiano Ronaldo fires away the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this all-time great!
Cristiano Ronaldo glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
This dude out of nowhere Wreck-It Ralph shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Hulk closes his eyes walking out. Wreck-It Ralph keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
91-112 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo huddles with the team! Huddling up, the association football player strategizes!
Hulk bricks it! Not the same accuracy as discoverring the hidden truth!
Cristiano Ronaldo throws it away! A pass worse than an association football player tossing the winning goal!
Cristiano Ronaldo loses their assignment! Like losing their football boots in the workshop!
Jesus Christ lets fly past everyone for a buzzer beater! This all-around player on a mission!
Halftime! Cristiano Ronaldo has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know Cristiano Ronaldo knits to unwind? Made a scarf in New York Over-Timers's colors. By accident, obviously. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Jesus Christ, this all-around player, throws the hands up! Exasperated from mid-range!
Cristiano Ronaldo fades away the basketball but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
Wreck-It Ralph steps back the ball out of the trap! Night-in night-out consistency under pressure!
Hulk waves for a timeout! The scientist needs the hidden truth break!
This household name Cristiano Ronaldo tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Hulk sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Wreck-It Ralph has his head in his hands. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
94-125 (L)
Game time! Hulk and this first-ballot legend ready to put on a show at the field house!
Hulk misfires at the buzzer! This potential GOAT searching for answers!
Hulk loses possession! The hidden truth never leaves a scientist's hands like that!
Jesus Christ beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the game slipping from a messiah!
Cristiano Ronaldo with the step-back fadeaway jumper! Creating space like an association football player with their football boots!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Exclusive: Jesus Christ was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Tendency to force bad shots on full display!
James Bond skips it off the rim! The enemy state has better hop than that!
Wreck-It Ralph pins the defender! Pinning them down with crane operator authority!
Hulk, this combo guard, with tired legs at the buzzer! Tendency to rush slowing this potential GOAT down!
Jesus Christ shakes hands through the pain! A messiah who respects their bare hands and the game!
Jesus Christ sits on the floor in the hallway. Cristiano Ronaldo sits down next to him. Nobody speaks. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
94-122 (L)
This potential GOAT Cristiano Ronaldo gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Cristiano Ronaldo misfires facing the rim! Their football boots calibration needed!
Jesus Christ dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a messiah like that!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this combo guard, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over occasional mental lapses!
Wreck-It Ralph buries a half-court heave on the low block! This hidden prospect is on fire tonight!
Break! James Bond rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: James Bond once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Wreck-It Ralph pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The crane operator in them is showing!
Wreck-It Ralph launches and misses! The ball isn't the game, and it shows!
James Bond explodes with purpose every possession! This hooper's hooper chess master!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Wreck-It Ralph hangs their head! A crane operator who gave everything they had!
Cristiano Ronaldo's complexion is grey. Jesus Christ's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-127 (L)
This legit talent James Bond opens the scoring! A hook shot! Early advantage!
This solid pro James Bond rattles it out! So close yet so far at the top of the key!
This certified GOAT candidate Cristiano Ronaldo commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
Wreck-It Ralph gets crossed over! This hungry young player left frozen facing the rim!
Wreck-It Ralph drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a crane operator's spirit has limits!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Hulk walks head down toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Hulk tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Air ball from Cristiano Ronaldo! Being an association football player doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Jesus Christ slows down visibly! Slower than their bare hands on low power!
James Bond forces the pass! Forcing their hidden camera where it doesn't fit!
This hooper's hooper James Bond stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ walks off in silence. This absolute legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Wreck-It Ralph lets out a big exhale walking through the door. James Bond holds his in. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. See you at the next game! In the meantime: 'Pawn Stars: Selling a Pen Without a Cap.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
74-119 (L)
And we're underway! Jesus Christ touches the pill first! This hall-of-fame lock looks eager!
Hulk, this smooth operator, gets the look from the left corner but the lid's on the rim!
Cristiano Ronaldo turns it over in the restricted area! Butterfingers from this association football player!
Wreck-It Ralph gets blown by! Even a crane operator couldn't stop that!
Cristiano Ronaldo sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like an association football player after a long shift!
Break. Wreck-It Ralph collapses next to the vending machine. Fun fact: Wreck-It Ralph was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Wreck-It Ralph with a wild attempt! This raw talent not finding the range tonight!
James Bond grabs the jersey for air! Needs more air than their hidden camera in the workshop!
Wreck-It Ralph, this tweener, gets called for the carry! Tendency to force bad shots in ball-handling!
Wreck-It Ralph picks up the second technical! This diamond in the rough ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Hulk, this solid build, trudges off the gym. Lessons to take from this one.
James Bond and Wreck-It Ralph share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
lebron squad finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. Ladies and gentlemen... Lebron squad!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Cristiano Ronaldo, his brother-in-law and an association football player by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their football boots and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Cristiano Ronaldo can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the winning goal to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
lebron squad finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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