My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Denver Horse-Track | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 10 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby! If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Ice Spice. The woman is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This woman catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except she follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball. Her teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. She said: "When she's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The woman doesn't talk, she executes. She doesn't celebrate, she absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the girl selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in her hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mia Khalifa. A tv host. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a tv host, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mia Khalifa has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee. Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
79-117 (L)
This living legend Mia Khalifa gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Ice Spice rattles it out! Shaking the gym with their hot mic intensity!
Ice Spice throws it out of bounds! Like launching their hot mic into the void!
Mia Khalifa gets posted up and scored on! This absolute legend overpowered!
Brooke Tilli throws their hands up! Like a tv host when their bare hands breaks!
Both teams head to the locker room. Ice Spice wipes her forehead with her jersey. Did you know Ice Spice plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Bonnie Blue, this lightning-quick little man, bobbles the Spalding and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!
Brooke Tilli is cramping up! This potential breakout star trying to shake it off! Hot head!
Bonnie Blue loses the orange! An onlyfans model would never be this careless!
Violet Myers shakes their head! A tv host who can't believe that just happened!
Brooke Tilli walks off in defeat! Even a tv host's skills couldn't save tonight!
Ice Spice refuses to watch the replay on the jumbotron. Brooke Tilli watches it and immediately regrets it. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
92-100 (L)
Bonnie Blue announces themselves! The onlyfans model has arrived and the building knows it!
Air ball from Bonnie Blue! Being an onlyfans model doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Violet Myers turns it over in half court! Butterfingers from this tv host!
This surprise package Violet Myers caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Ice Spice goes to work through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
The players disappear. Mia Khalifa has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Fun fact: Mia Khalifa failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Ice Spice, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated at half court!
Bonnie Blue can't finish! The onlyfans model who finishes the game can't finish the play!
This rising star Brooke Tilli attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Violet Myers bends over, hands on knees! Exhausted like a tv host after their bare hands overtime!
Brooke Tilli tells reporters: 'Tomorrow we competes better, like the game!'
Bonnie Blue mutters while walking out. Brooke Tilli watches from the corner of her eye, worried. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
122-94 (W)
Mia Khalifa, this little thunder, takes the court! The incredible energy is electric!
Brooke Tilli lets fly and converts! An alley-oop from the right corner! Money!
This league veteran Ice Spice reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Ice Spice threads the needle! Precision of their hot mic through the fiery bars!
Violet Myers pins the defender! Pinning them down with tv host authority!
Halftime. Mia Khalifa glances at her phone for two seconds and puts it back. Anecdote: Mia Khalifa once wore her jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
Bonnie Blue lets fly and fires a reverse layup! This short king lighting it up!
The arena buzzes for Brooke Tilli! A tv host who electrifies wherever they go!
Brooke Tilli dunks the rock with patience! This dude out of nowhere trusting the system!
Scouts overlooked a tv host. They won't overlook Violet Myers after tonight's their bare hands show!
Ice Spice wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their hot mic and the pill!
Brooke Tilli mimes popping a champagne bottle. Violet Myers mimes chugging straight from it. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
106-115 (L)
The court welcomes Ice Spice! The rapper with the fiery bars has arrived!
Brooke Tilli misses the open look! A tv host never misses the game... But misses the ball!
Bonnie Blue, this elusive guard, gets the ball poked away! Heavy feet when protecting the Spalding!
This rising star Brooke Tilli misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
The technical flair of Violet Myers recalls their tv host days. An and-one! Sublime!
Break time. Brooke Tilli bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Anecdote: Brooke Tilli fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Ice Spice drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a rapper's spirit has limits!
This who-is-this-guy player Brooke Tilli misfires again! Sometimes predictable game could cost the team!
Violet Myers overloads one side! Loading up with tv host strategy!
Brooke Tilli plays through exhaustion! The endurance of competing the game daily!
This certified GOAT candidate Mia Khalifa stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this certified GOAT candidate wanted.
Bonnie Blue stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Violet Myers comes back to get her. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
86-108 (L)
Violet Myers gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a tv host on day one!
This newcomer Bonnie Blue with a rare miss from mid-range! Even the best stumble!
Violet Myers dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a tv host like that!
Violet Myers can't contain the drive! Competing the game is more containable!
Brooke Tilli cuts and scores! Sharp as their bare hands, this tv host!
Rest time. Brooke Tilli isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Small detail: Brooke Tilli wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Brooke Tilli vents at their teammates! The tv host who vents about the game!
Bonnie Blue can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The orange through the hoop, nope!
Brooke Tilli calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's tv host mentality!
Ice Spice, this well-respected player, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
Violet Myers sits alone on the bench. This hungry young player processing the defeat.
Bonnie Blue's complexion is grey. Mia Khalifa's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
83-108 (L)
Ice Spice gets the starting nod! A rapper starting with their hot mic confidence!
This raw talent Violet Myers shanks a pull-up jumper along the baseline! That's uncharacteristic!
Mia Khalifa passes to nobody! This undisputed superstar with a head-scratching decision!
Mia Khalifa loses their assignment! Like losing their bare hands in the workshop!
Bonnie Blue, this scrappy guard, elevates for a monster tear drop!
Halftime! Ice Spice walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Exclusive: Ice Spice was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
This certified GOAT candidate Mia Khalifa fouls hard out of frustration! Sometimes predictable game showing!
Ice Spice, this do-it-all player, gets the look but can't convert back to the basket!
Bonnie Blue reads the defense perfectly! Night-in night-out consistency and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Bonnie Blue, this miniature missile, is moving in slow motion! Tank is empty!
Brooke Tilli consoles teammates! The heart of a tv host in that moment!
Bonnie Blue mutters while walking out. Mia Khalifa watches from the corner of her eye, worried. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Bonnie Blue's name. Forgive me. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
91-131 (L)
Brooke Tilli pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this dude out of nowhere!
Bonnie Blue launches a finger roll and... Airball! Lack of consistency at its peak!
Brooke Tilli gets picked! A tv host getting the game stolen in broad daylight!
Mia Khalifa gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Bonnie Blue mouths off on a strategic timeout! An onlyfans model venting about the game!
Halftime. The doctor examines Brooke Tilli's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Rumor has it Brooke Tilli has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Bonnie Blue, this guy nobody was talking about, pulls the trigger from downtown but no luck!
Bonnie Blue struggles in the second half! The onlyfans model hitting the wall with the game!
Mia Khalifa trips up in the restricted area! A tv host never trips at work... Right?
Violet Myers drives the towel! This surprise package showing defense that's basically a suggestion!
Mia Khalifa fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the tv host gave everything!
Ice Spice snaps at the bench on her way out. Bonnie Blue says nothing, but her look says everything. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
85-112 (L)
Ice Spice, this league veteran, draws first blood! A floater to start!
An and-one attempt by Violet Myers falls short! Lack of consistency in the legs!
This hungry young player Violet Myers with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Brooke Tilli loses the screen battle! Sometimes predictable game around the picks!
Mia Khalifa finishes with flair! Showmanship of a tv host presenting the game!
Back to the locker room. Bonnie Blue's shorts are torn but she couldn't care less. Did you know? Bonnie Blue tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Violet Myers gets a technical for complaining! Heavy feet on full display!
This rising star Brooke Tilli whiffs on a bucket! The crowd groans!
Ice Spice outsmarts the opponent! The brains of a rapper with their hot mic!
Ice Spice misses from fatigue! Tired arms from spitting the fiery bars all week!
Ice Spice shakes hands through the pain! A rapper who respects their hot mic and the game!
Ice Spice looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Brooke Tilli looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-116 (L)
And we're underway! Violet Myers touches the leather first! This player nobody saw coming looks eager!
Brooke Tilli fires a brick from back to the basket! Way off, even for a tv host!
This hooper's hooper Ice Spice dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Violet Myers gets caught flat-footed! This dude out of nowhere beaten to the spot!
Brooke Tilli with the tough and-one through contact! This surprise package won't be denied!
Both teams head in. Brooke Tilli has a red mark on her cheek from an elbow. Did you know? Brooke Tilli has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Brooke Tilli stares in disbelief! The look of a tv host who just lost everything!
Bonnie Blue with the contested bucket on the low block! No good! Bad selection!
This first-ballot legend Mia Khalifa calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
This legit talent Ice Spice has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
Mia Khalifa had the chances but couldn't convert. This franchise cornerstone left wanting.
Mia Khalifa chews her nails on the bench. Bonnie Blue stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
87-132 (L)
Brooke Tilli, this potential breakout star, embraces the roaring arena! Game on!
Bonnie Blue, this player nobody saw coming, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!
Bonnie Blue gets the ball stripped! The game would have stayed in an onlyfans model's grip!
Violet Myers, this elusive guard, lets the shooter get free from the right corner! Costly lapse!
Violet Myers slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a tv host hits the workbench!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Ice Spice asks for an ice pack. Exclusive: Ice Spice was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Mia Khalifa misses at the buzzer! A tv host who missed the deadline!
Violet Myers drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Violet Myers, this elusive guard, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted at the top of the key!
Mia Khalifa can't mask the disappointment! This undisputed superstar wearing it on the sleeve!
Ice Spice leaves the den with dignity! The dignity of a rapper with their hot mic!
Bonnie Blue sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Mia Khalifa has her head in her hands. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
98-97 (W)
Mia Khalifa attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This undisputed superstar locked in!
Brooke Tilli, this surprise package, pokes the ball free! Scramble driving to the hoop!
Brooke Tilli clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!
This league veteran Ice Spice converts from mid-range! A euro-step right on cue!
Mia Khalifa makes the hockey pass! An unmatched feel for the game finding the extra pass!
Break! Mia Khalifa heads straight to the bathroom moment she hits the locker room. True story: Mia Khalifa had her parking spot stolen by New York Over-Timers's mascot. Still talks about it. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
Violet Myers, this dark horse, orchestrates the last possession! A hook shot! Perfection!
Brooke Tilli a clutch steal with authority! This short king protecting the paint!
The jumbotron shows Ice Spice's rapper highlight reel! What a career!
Violet Myers comes alive in crunch time! The tv host instinct kicks in!
Ice Spice hugs the coach! This legit talent with a complete performance!
Bonnie Blue does the floss while Brooke Tilli spins like a top. Ice Spice just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
98-107 (L)
Opening possession for Ice Spice! First touch, like first touch of their hot mic!
Brooke Tilli whiffs on the jumper! A tv host off their game with their bare hands!
Violet Myers tries to be too fancy and loses the damn ball! Sometimes predictable game in the decision-making!
Mia Khalifa gets blown by! Even a tv host couldn't stop that!
Ice Spice posts up and delivers a layup! Their hot mic by day, buckets by night!
Break. Bonnie Blue asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Exclusive info: Bonnie Blue is banned for life from the McDonald's near the arena. The details remain murky. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Violet Myers glares at the scoreboard! This rising star not happy with the situation!
Mia Khalifa fades away but the shot rims out! Sometimes predictable game rears its ugly head!
Mia Khalifa, this lightning-quick little man, exploits the mismatch at half court! Smart play!
Brooke Tilli grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a tv host finishing the game!
Violet Myers looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a tv host!
Mia Khalifa punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. Ice Spice slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
76-118 (L)
Ice Spice, this dude putting the league on notice, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Mia Khalifa can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a tv host always hits!
Bonnie Blue, this lightning-quick little man, commits the travel! Shaky emotions under pressure in the footwork!
Ice Spice scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Brooke Tilli buries their face! Hidden from view, the tv host can't watch!
Halftime. The doctor examines Mia Khalifa's shoulder while the others catch their breath. They say Mia Khalifa has a ritual where she touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Bonnie Blue, this little firecracker, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Ego the size of Texas!
Violet Myers takes the rest play! Even a tv host needs a breather!
Mia Khalifa with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Ice Spice is visibly upset! Upset as a rapper when the fiery bars goes sideways!
Ice Spice leaves the floor quietly! Quiet as a rapper after the fiery bars setback!
Bonnie Blue closes her eyes walking out. Mia Khalifa keeps her wide open, fixed, empty. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
78-121 (L)
Tip-off! Violet Myers gets us started! Let's go!
Brooke Tilli gets blocked! Rejected harder than a tv host's worst day on the job!
Ice Spice turns it over on the inbound pass! A rapper dropping their hot mic at the worst time!
Mia Khalifa lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this household name fooled!
Violet Myers drops the head after another miss! Hot head sapping the confidence!
Halftime! Ice Spice looks in the mirror and shakes her head. Did you know? Ice Spice once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Brooke Tilli shoots an air ball in a Playoff atmosphere! A tv host lost in the noise!
Mia Khalifa can barely run! The 4 periods of 12 minutes harder than the 4 periods of 12 minutes of competing the game!
Bonnie Blue drives carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Bonnie Blue storms to the bench! This raw talent is visibly upset!
Mia Khalifa packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Bonnie Blue shakes Mia Khalifa's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Mia Khalifa. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-129 (L)
This dark horse Bonnie Blue opens the scoring! A double-clutch layup! Early advantage!
Mia Khalifa gets a clean look but injury-prone body costs the bucket!
Mia Khalifa spins into a dead end off the pick and roll! Turnover! Heavy feet!
This who-is-this-guy player Violet Myers picks up the cheap foul! Sometimes predictable game showing!
This dude out of nowhere Violet Myers gets into it with the opponent! Tempers flaring!
Intermission. Violet Myers dumps an entire water bottle over her head. Did you know? Violet Myers once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Mia Khalifa shoots but it's well off! Heavy feet under fatigue!
Mia Khalifa is huffing and puffing! Winded, even a tv host would call it quits!
Ice Spice throws it into the stands! What was that from this hooper's hooper!
Violet Myers can't hide the frustration! Their bare hands frustration meets the ball frustration!
Violet Myers tips the cap to the winners! The tv host's grace with the game!
Mia Khalifa walks head down toward the tunnel. Ice Spice drags her feet behind, shoulders slumped. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ice Spice.
Season Journal
Alright, sit your ass down for two minutes because tonight we're not messing around, we're diving headfirst into a sold-out arena that smells like rubber and sweat, with 20,000 fans ready to lose their damn voices. We're about to relive the saga of a franchise that's seen it all: the glory years when they bulldozed the league, the dark ages when nothing went in, and the Draft-night strokes of genius that brought them back to the summit. This ain't just basketball, this is American legend carried by physical freaks who aren't here to play nice, they're here to carve their names into NBA history with psycho stat lines and rim-rattling dunks that shake the whole damn building. The team with no name, baby!
If you paid for your ticket tonight, there's one reason and one reason only, and that reason's name is Ice Spice. The woman is massive, marathon-runner cardio, and surgeon's hands. This woman catches a ball mid-flight the way you grab the remote off the couch. Except she follows it up with a spin move, a step-back, and a 30-footer that doesn't even touch the rim. Nothing but net. Every single time. Like the basket is magnetized to the damn ball.
Her teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. She said: "When she's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The woman doesn't talk, she executes. She doesn't celebrate, she absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the girl selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in her hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the cherry on top, the plot twist nobody saw coming: the coach recruited Mia Khalifa. A tv host. To play professional basketball. I'll repeat for the people in the back: a tv host, with bare hands, on an NBA hardwood. The girl showed up at her first practice asking where the locker rooms were... And went the wrong way. Twice. But the coach swears on everything holy that Mia Khalifa has "something." We don't know what exactly, but she has "something." In the meantime, the girl runs around like a headless chicken, confuses the game with the basketball, and has already racked up three technical fouls for trying to negotiate with the referee.
Let's talk money. We'll keep it short because there ain't any. The budget is so low that the equipment manager also does the accounting, the post-game spread is leftover Domino's on discount, and the last free agent who toured the facility ran for the hills. But damn it, these guys don't care. They play with the fury of men who have everything to prove and nothing to lose. This is the most dangerous team in the league, not because they're good, but because they don't give a single damn about losing.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Ice Spice.
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