My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · by Max Beauchesne · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Phoenix No-Defense | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Houston Blast-Off | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | My Team | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Elizabeth II is on this team. Elizabeth II, who is a monarch and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The girl shows up with scepter under her arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At her first practice, she tried a crossover and twisted her ankle. At her second, she attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this woman has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world. Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
95-119 (L)
This undisputed superstar Kamala Harris in the starting lineup! Let's see what this undisputed superstar brings!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ rattles it out! So close yet so far along the baseline!
Zohran Mamdani with the careless pass! Spitting the fiery bars with more care, please!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ fouls reaching in! Limited stamina on defense!
Kamala Harris spins and scores! Pivoting like they pivot with their bare hands at work!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ flops into the first available chair. Little secret: Jesus Christ has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Zohran Mamdani storms to the bench! Heated! This rapper doesn't handle losing well!
Elizabeth II air-mails a scoop layup from mid-range! Way off for this franchise cornerstone!
Elizabeth II triggers the fast break! Launching the offense with monarch urgency!
Kamala Harris, this all-time great, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Elizabeth II walks off in defeat! Even a monarch's skills couldn't save tonight!
Elizabeth II and Kamala Harris walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
102-119 (L)
This certified GOAT candidate Elon Musk comes out aggressive! Opens with a step-back three back to the basket!
Jesus Christ sends it long! Too much power, not enough finesse from this messiah!
Elizabeth II with the backcourt violation! This guy with rings on every finger under too much pressure!
Kamala Harris beaten to the spot! Slower than a geomatics analyst on a Monday morning!
Elizabeth II scores a devastating dunk! The scepter by day, buckets by night!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Elizabeth II walks head down toward the tunnel. Confession: Elizabeth II tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Zohran Mamdani throws their hands up! Like a rapper when their hot mic breaks!
Jesus Christ, this household name, sends the pill wide! The touch is off tonight!
Zohran Mamdani goes small-ball! Adapting like a rapper who reads the room!
Kamala Harris finds a second wind! The geomatics analyst engine roars back to life!
Elon Musk shoots to the tunnel in disappointment. This global icon will learn from this.
Elon Musk takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Zohran Mamdani doesn't drink. Throat too tight. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
94-114 (L)
Elon Musk stretches center court! Loosening up, the engineer is getting ready!
Kamala Harris launches from deep and misses! A geomatics analyst's range doesn't apply here!
Elizabeth II trips up in the perimeter! A monarch never trips at work... Right?
Jesus Christ watches helplessly! A messiah watching the game fall off the shelf!
Elizabeth II scores on the putback! Recycling the realm's fate is second nature for a monarch!
End of the second quarter. Elon Musk is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Little scoop: Elon Musk logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Back for the second half. The coach slammed his fist on the table.
Elizabeth II blows past angrily after the turnover! This franchise cornerstone spiraling!
This hall-of-fame lock Elizabeth II shanks a bucket from the right corner! That's uncharacteristic!
Kamala Harris directs traffic on the gymnasium! Traffic control by a geomatics analyst with the game!
Elizabeth II takes the rest play! Even a monarch needs a breather!
Jesus Christ packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Kamala Harris bites her lip, fists clenched. Zohran Mamdani shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
133-88 (W)
Jesus Christ spins with energy from the opening whistle! This basketball god locked in!
Elizabeth II knocks down an alley-oop off the pick and roll! Ice in the veins!
Kamala Harris reads the defense! Studying them like it's geomatics analyst homework!
Elon Musk lets fly with the precision of an engineer at work. And it's a reverse layup!
Jesus Christ cuts off the drive! Precision of competing the game!
The players disappear. Jesus Christ has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Intel: Jesus Christ refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Zohran Mamdani hits the pull-up jumper! The elevation of a rapper lifting their hot mic!
Kamala Harris dribbles with confidence! The game is well in hand for this living legend!
Elon Musk trips over the pill! Even this hall-of-fame lock has those moments!
Kamala Harris shoots to center court! A chest bump! This global icon owns the moment!
Kamala Harris caps a perfect night! Clean as a geomatics analyst on their best day!
Kamala Harris pretends to faint from happiness. Zohran Mamdani pretends to call 911. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
111-112 (L)
Jesus Christ checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Kamala Harris finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their bare hands!
Elizabeth II reacts too late to rotate! Lack of consistency on the help side!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Zohran Mamdani scores and flexes! The flex of a rapper who conquered their hot mic!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Anecdote: Jesus Christ slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Jesus Christ gets called for the foul! Clumsy as a messiah with the game at closing time!
Zohran Mamdani buries their face! Hidden from view, the rapper can't watch!
They said a messiah couldn't play at this level. Jesus Christ and their bare hands disagree!
Elon Musk can't deliver! Even an engineer can't help in this the extra period!
Kamala Harris consoles teammates! The heart of a geomatics analyst in that moment!
Elizabeth II rips off her headband and throws it on the ground. Zohran Mamdani picks up his own and folds it carefully. I learned that Elizabeth II's father was a geomatics analyst. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
94-98 (L)
The game begins and Kamala Harris is ready! You can see next-level basketball IQ written all over her face!
Zohran Mamdani attacks at the top of the key and finishes with a catch-and-shoot triple! Too good!
This undisputed superstar Elon Musk misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Jesus Christ, this tweener, bobbles the damn ball and the chance evaporates in transition!
Jesus Christ sparks the comeback! A pull-up jumper from the right corner! This guy with rings on every finger leads the charge!
Halftime. Jesus Christ wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: Jesus Christ failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We're back! The players look fired up.
Elizabeth II airballs the potential winner! Decreing the realm's fate is easier than this!
Elizabeth II slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a monarch hits the workbench!
A standing ovation for Zohran Mamdani! The rapper who conquered the hardwood with their hot mic!
Jesus Christ misses the wide-open three! Their bare hands left behind on this one!
Zohran Mamdani leaves the palace of hoops quietly! Quiet as a rapper after the fiery bars setback!
Elon Musk's lip is trembling. Zohran Mamdani dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Tonight I had a revelation: Zohran Mamdani runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
106-99 (W)
Jesus Christ, this franchise cornerstone, draws first blood! An and-one to start!
Kamala Harris catches and shoots,a layup! Quick hands from competing the game!
Jesus Christ, this hall-of-fame lock, clamps down on the star player! Pure God-given talent on the assignment!
Zohran Mamdani, this tweener, hits the cutter perfectly! A gym-rat work ethic right on time!
Elizabeth II slows the pace when the team needs it! This franchise cornerstone tempo control!
Halftime. The doctor examines Jesus Christ's shoulder while the others catch their breath. Did you know Jesus Christ knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Toronto Border-Patrol's colors. By accident, obviously. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Jesus Christ spins from the left corner with the same confidence they bring to competing the game.
Jesus Christ pulls up and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
This absolute legend Kamala Harris unites the locker room! A killer instinct captain's mentality!
This household name Elon Musk has that look in the eyes! Watch out! That dawg mentality!
Jesus Christ sits on the bench with a smile! This global icon job well done!
Elizabeth II charges toward the crowd. Zohran Mamdani catches her just before she dives into the stands. On my end, I ate peanuts through the entire third quarter. Salt is my drug of choice. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
106-89 (W)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Jesus Christ pours it in! A messiah who never wastes anything never wastes a shot!
Elon Musk swats it away! A monster swat with that engineer strength!
Elizabeth II, this pint-sized baller, with the pocket pass! Eyes in the back of the head in tight spaces!
Elon Musk uses their size out there! The engineer has a built-in advantage!
That's a cut. Elon Musk stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Juicy anecdote: Elon Musk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Zohran Mamdani with a finger-roll two-handed slam! Dexterity you only get from years as a rapper!
The temple of basketball erupts as Elon Musk enters! The engineer gets a hero's welcome!
Elizabeth II brings energy off the bench! This guy with rings on every finger infectious enthusiasm!
The commentators can't stop talking about Kamala Harris's geomatics analyst background and their bare hands!
This potential GOAT Zohran Mamdani seals the deal! Victory with natural-born leadership!
Elizabeth II mimes popping a champagne bottle. Jesus Christ mimes chugging straight from it. Tonight I had a revelation: Jesus Christ runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
77-115 (L)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
Zohran Mamdani misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their hot mic at the fiery bars!
Elizabeth II forces the pass! Forcing the scepter where it doesn't fit!
This first-ballot legend Kamala Harris can't recover! Scored on under the basket! Heavy feet!
Kamala Harris is visibly upset! Upset as a geomatics analyst when the game goes sideways!
Halftime. Jesus Christ is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Physio's confession: Jesus Christ purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Elizabeth II misses at after a timeout! A monarch dropping the realm's fate at the worst time!
Elizabeth II misses from fatigue! This certified GOAT candidate can't get the elevation on the low block!
Elon Musk dribbles it off their foot! Their slide rule would never betray an engineer like that!
Zohran Mamdani walks away muttering! Muttering about the fiery bars under their breath!
Kamala Harris leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of a geomatics analyst with their bare hands!
Kamala Harris whispers 'this can't be real' under her breath. Zohran Mamdani nods without conviction. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-119 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Kamala Harris gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Zohran Mamdani rushes a scoop layup from the left corner! Injury-prone body creeping in!
Sloppy handling by Elizabeth II! Decreing the realm's fate is done with more finesse!
Elon Musk gets burned on the switch! Hotter than an engineer's worst day on the job!
Kamala Harris floats one in from downtown! Delicate as a geomatics analyst with their bare hands!
Halftime whistle. Zohran Mamdani has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Fun fact: Zohran Mamdani tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Elizabeth II vents at their teammates! The monarch who vents about the realm's fate!
Kamala Harris launches the ball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this absolute legend!
Zohran Mamdani finds the angle! The angle rapper uses for the fiery bars!
Elizabeth II tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a monarch's energy for the realm's fate!
Zohran Mamdani shakes hands through the pain! A rapper who respects their hot mic and the game!
Jesus Christ sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Elon Musk puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
84-128 (L)
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ catches the pill early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Zohran Mamdani misses the free throw! Spitting the fiery bars under pressure is easier!
Jesus Christ turns it over in the left wing! Butterfingers from this messiah!
Kamala Harris can't stay in front! Competing the game doesn't build lateral quickness!
Elon Musk tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the engineer will bounce back!
The locker room fills up. Kamala Harris has already eaten three oranges. Juicy intel: Kamala Harris turned down an endorsement deal because she'd have to wear a mascot costume. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.
Elizabeth II fires a brick driving to the hoop! Way off, even for a monarch!
Kamala Harris grabs the shorts! This undisputed superstar is running on fumes!
Elon Musk throws it away! A pass worse than an engineer tossing the impossible structure!
This global icon Elon Musk can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Elizabeth II, this pint-sized baller, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Zohran Mamdani has his head in his hands. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
96-121 (L)
Zohran Mamdani lands the first pull-up jumper! First blood! The rapper strikes first!
Elon Musk, this tweener, loses the handle and the opportunity! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Zohran Mamdani, this do-it-all player, commits the travel! Injury-prone body in the footwork!
Jesus Christ gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!
Elon Musk, this combo guard, showcases nerves of steel with a gorgeous bucket!
Coach calls everyone back. Elizabeth II drags her feet toward the tunnel. Fun fact: Elizabeth II failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Jesus Christ drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a messiah's spirit has limits!
A fadeaway jumper from Kamala Harris goes in and out! Heartbreaking in the paint!
This undisputed superstar Zohran Mamdani calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Kamala Harris is cramping up! This living legend trying to shake it off! Heavy feet!
Zohran Mamdani walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to rapper life tomorrow!
Elon Musk stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Elizabeth II comes back to get him. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-109 (L)
Zohran Mamdani, this potential GOAT, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
Jesus Christ shoots the pill right into the defender's hands! Injury-prone body!
Elizabeth II loses the leather! A monarch would never be this careless!
This generational talent Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
A devastating dunk from Zohran Mamdani! This basketball god reminding everyone why they're on top!
Halftime! Kamala Harris looks in the mirror and shakes her head. Fun fact: Kamala Harris is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Kamala Harris waves off the play! The authority of a geomatics analyst in that gesture!
Zohran Mamdani can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the leather differently than the fiery bars!
Elon Musk identifies the soft spot in the zone! This household name surgical precision!
Jesus Christ wipes sweat with the shorts! Drenched, the messiah has been putting in work!
Elon Musk takes the loss hard! Hard as the impossible structure on a bad engineer day!
Kamala Harris and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
107-95 (W)
Elon Musk bounces the pill pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Elon Musk hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their slide rule in transition!
Jesus Christ hounds the ball handler! Tenacious as a messiah with their bare hands!
Elon Musk whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This do-it-all player seeing everything!
Jesus Christ, this generational talent, manipulates the defense with the eyes! An unmatched feel for the game!
Break. Jesus Christ collapses next to the vending machine. They say Jesus Christ eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ scores with natural-born leadership. A pull-up jumper under the basket! Too smooth!
Zohran Mamdani, this do-it-all player, gestures for more noise! The crowd goes nuts!
Elizabeth II dives for the loose ball! Full send from this monarch!
Elizabeth II, this absolute legend, delivers a sequence that will go viral! Wisdom and poise!
Zohran Mamdani can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
Zohran Mamdani moonwalks across the hardwood. Kamala Harris attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
87-132 (L)
Elizabeth II looks dialed in from the start! Ridiculous creativity preparation showing!
Elon Musk misses the open look! This basketball god can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Stolen from Jesus Christ! A messiah who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ overcommits! Going all-in like a messiah on the game, but wrong!
This basketball god Elon Musk throws an elbow in frustration! Injury-prone body on full display!
Rest. Zohran Mamdani buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Fun fact: Zohran Mamdani got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Elon Musk can't find the range! Their slide rule has better accuracy than that!
Elizabeth II digs deep! Deep as a monarch digs into the realm's fate!
Jesus Christ dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the messiah's finest moment!
Jesus Christ goes to work and kicks the stanchion! This certified GOAT candidate losing composure!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Kamala Harris punches her locker when she gets to the locker room. Elizabeth II slides down the wall to the floor. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.
My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but Jesus Christ is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. The man is massive, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
Alright, we need to address the elephant in the room. Or rather, the comedy show on the roster. Elizabeth II is on this team. Elizabeth II, who is a monarch and doesn't even know what "pick-and-roll" means. The girl shows up with scepter under her arm, shoes that are clearly not regulation, and the cardio of a weekend smoker. At her first practice, she tried a crossover and twisted her ankle. At her second, she attempted a layup and the ball flew into the stands. But damn it, what this woman has is balls of steel and an ability to make an entire arena laugh without even trying. And that, my friends, is worth every max contract in the world.
Let's talk budget, and by "budget" I mean the spare change you find between the couch cushions. These guys are so far under the salary floor that the league literally has to GIVE them money to meet the minimum. This is the squad that travels by Greyhound bus and washes their own jerseys. No stars, just hungry rookies on two-way deals and bitter vets signed for the minimum. It's the perfect setup for tanking your way to a top Draft pick, but for the fans, it's a damn desert crossing.
My Team finishes #12 (4W-11L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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