My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 6 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 2 | 13 | 4 |
Pre-season
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Jeffrey Epstein. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Barack Obama. The man is a community organizer. Yes, you heard that right. A community organizer. On a basketball court. With their bullhorn in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Barack Obama had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
86-131 (L)
This hall-of-fame lock Barack Obama comes out firing! A catch-and-shoot triple in the first minute!
Sean Combs bricks another one! Building something awful with their bare hands tonight!
Donald Trump with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the risky picture!
Jeffrey Epstein beaten to the spot! Slower than a philanthropist on a Monday morning!
Barack Obama storms to the bench! Heated! This community organizer doesn't handle losing well!
Well-deserved break. Joe Biden looks like someone who just ran a marathon. I've been told Joe Biden always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This bonafide star Sean Combs muscles up a scoop layup but can't get it to fall!
Sean Combs powers through! The philanthropist in them won't quit on the game!
Barack Obama throws it out of bounds! Like launching their bullhorn into the void!
Joe Biden tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the university professor will bounce back!
Barack Obama shakes hands through the pain! A community organizer who respects their bullhorn and the game!
Sean Combs presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. Barack Obama walks right past without noticing. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you tomorrow. In the meantime, it's 'Who Wants to Marry My Goldfish.' Good luck with that.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
83-110 (L)
Donald Trump steps onto the venue! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Air ball from Sean Combs! Being a philanthropist doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Barack Obama trips up in the top of the key! A community organizer never trips at work... Right?
Barack Obama overcommits! Going all-in like a community organizer on the neighborhood, but wrong!
Donald Trump scores on the putback! Recycling the risky picture is second nature for a film producer!
Break! Donald Trump grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Rumor has it Donald Trump talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Sean Combs slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a philanthropist hits the workbench!
Donald Trump, this living legend, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, seals the defender for position! Fundamentals!
Sean Combs, this versatile guy, looks exhausted at the top of the key! The legs are gone!
Sean Combs, this combo guard, hangs the head. Tough loss despite night-in night-out consistency effort.
Donald Trump clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jeffrey Epstein fidgets with his wristband nervously. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
97-101 (L)
Barack Obama lands the first tear drop! First blood! The community organizer strikes first!
Sean Combs scores from the elbow! Perfect angle, the philanthropist knows geometry!
This household name Donald Trump commits the and-one foul! Lack of consistency in positioning!
Joe Biden air-mails a two-handed slam back to the basket! Way off for this guy with rings on every finger!
Donald Trump fights through fatigue! That film producer toughness is for real!
Rest. Joe Biden buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. I've been told Joe Biden always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Jeffrey Epstein fumbles the inbound! Monday morning vibes from this philanthropist!
Barack Obama drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a community organizer's spirit has limits!
Joe Biden steps back with conviction! This household name believes tonight is the night!
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, gets blocked in the clutch! A crucial offensive board denies this household name!
Donald Trump, this solid build, trudges off the hardwood. Lessons to take from this one.
Sean Combs clenches his left fist, unclenches, clenches again. Jeffrey Epstein fidgets with his wristband nervously. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
90-119 (L)
Jeffrey Epstein starts in the leader! Playing the leader way a philanthropist plays with their bare hands!
Barack Obama rushes a floater in the paint! Heavy feet creeping in!
Barack Obama loses the pill! A community organizer would never be this careless!
This all-time great Joe Biden can't recover! Scored on from way beyond the arc! Heavy feet!
Sean Combs buries an alley-oop in transition! This max-contract guy is on fire tonight!
Heading in. Jeffrey Epstein's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Jeffrey Epstein lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Donald Trump picks up the second technical! This hall-of-fame lock ejected! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Joe Biden, this solid build, can't get a pull-up jumper to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Barack Obama shifts the defense! Moving pieces like a community organizer at work!
Barack Obama is gassed! More tired than after a full day of rallying the neighborhood!
Jeffrey Epstein sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a philanthropist after their bare hands broke!
Jeffrey Epstein walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Donald Trump speeds up. Wants it to be over. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
114-89 (W)
This max-contract guy Sean Combs gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
This certified GOAT candidate Barack Obama finishes with authority! A floater in the paint!
Jeffrey Epstein, this swiss-army-knife type, contests everything facing the rim! Scary good handles on full display!
Joe Biden serves it on a platter! A university professor serving the young scholars with style!
Donald Trump reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this film producer!
Back to the locker room. Joe Biden punches his locker. Rumor has it Joe Biden tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Joe Biden punishes the defense! A university professor punishing the young scholars with precision!
Jeffrey Epstein throws the arm sleeve to the crowd! Better than throwing the game!
Barack Obama feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with community organizer generosity!
Donald Trump is writing the story tonight! This hall-of-fame lock with a buzzer-beater in transition!
Jeffrey Epstein hugs the coach! This once-in-a-lifetime player with a complete performance!
Jeffrey Epstein does a cartwheel at center court. Joe Biden tries one too and eats it. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Jeffrey Epstein's name. Forgive me. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
103-96 (W)
Game time! Joe Biden and this basketball god ready to put on a show at the venue!
Barack Obama, this solid build, takes over from the left corner. A bank shot! That's elite!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, alters the shot! Freakish explosiveness at the rim!
Sean Combs, this solid build, drops the dime! A killer instinct passing on display!
Jeffrey Epstein fires away to the right spot! Scary good handles off-ball movement!
Back to the locker room. Joe Biden punches his locker. Did you know Joe Biden plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Joe Biden, this household name, drops a hook shot from the left corner! Pure artistry!
The crowd gasps at Joe Biden's move! Agility worthy of a university professor!
Joe Biden provides the spark! Electric energy, the university professor is firing on all cylinders!
This hall-of-fame lock Joe Biden refuses to lose! The will of a champion!
Donald Trump talks to reporters! Explaining the damn ball like explaining the risky picture!
Donald Trump does the floss while Jeffrey Epstein spins like a top. Sean Combs just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-131 (L)
Joe Biden gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a university professor on day one!
Joe Biden can't score in the closing moments! This university professor is way off tonight!
Sean Combs charges right into the defender! Turnover! Limited stamina when controlling pace!
Barack Obama watches helplessly! A community organizer watching the neighborhood fall off the shelf!
This hall-of-fame lock Jeffrey Epstein hangs the head after the miss! Deflated back to the basket!
Break! Sean Combs grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Sean Combs fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Jeffrey Epstein misses the open look! A philanthropist never misses the game... But misses the Spalding!
Sean Combs, this solid build, laboring up and down! Ego the size of Texas draining the energy!
Sean Combs throws it into traffic! Reckless pass, the philanthropist got too confident!
Joe Biden kicks the air! The frustration of a university professor who knows they can do better!
Sean Combs dribbles to the tunnel in disappointment. This world-class player will learn from this.
Barack Obama replays the score in his head on a loop. Donald Trump tries to think about something else. During the third quarter, I spilled my soup. Yes, I had soup in the booth. Don't judge. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
86-130 (L)
This absolute legend Joe Biden opens the scoring! A half-court heave! Early advantage!
Sean Combs gets blocked! Rejected harder than a philanthropist's worst day on the job!
Joe Biden with the backcourt violation! This absolute legend under too much pressure!
Jeffrey Epstein gives up the back door! Ego the size of Texas when overplaying!
Barack Obama argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to rallying the neighborhood!
Coach calls everyone back. Jeffrey Epstein drags his feet toward the tunnel. Small detail: Jeffrey Epstein whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Donald Trump throws up a clunker! Their loaded checkbook would weep at that trajectory!
This elite player Sean Combs can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
Jeffrey Epstein, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the damn ball!
Donald Trump, this all-around player, pounds the scorer's table! Heavy feet on full display!
Barack Obama packs up and heads out! Packing their bullhorn, unpacking emotions!
Barack Obama mutters while walking out. Joe Biden watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I spent the evening explaining basketball rules to my new intern. He still thinks you can walk with the ball. Alright, good evening! Now it's 'Love Is in the Parking Lot.' Romance guaranteed.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
96-111 (L)
This undisputed superstar Donald Trump catches the ball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jeffrey Epstein misfires from downtown! Their bare hands calibration needed!
This absolute legend Donald Trump with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Jeffrey Epstein left in the dust! Even a philanthropist moves faster than that!
Donald Trump penetrates the damn ball with silky smooth technique. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Halftime! Donald Trump walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Anecdote: Donald Trump lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Joe Biden storms to the bench! This generational talent is visibly upset!
Jeffrey Epstein, this certified GOAT candidate, fumbles the finish at the top of the key! Back to the drawing board!
Joe Biden, this all-time great, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a buzzer-beater!
Donald Trump asks for the ball to slow the pace! This basketball god needs air!
This jersey-selling name Sean Combs shakes hands and moves on. In the end, limited stamina proved costly.
Donald Trump walks head down toward the tunnel. Jeffrey Epstein drags his feet behind, shoulders slumped. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
76-121 (L)
Donald Trump lets fly into position! This basketball god not wasting any time!
This reliable star Sean Combs throws up a prayer from way beyond the arc! Not answered!
Barack Obama dribbles carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jeffrey Epstein bites on the fake! Fooled like a philanthropist by counterfeit the game!
Jeffrey Epstein buries their face! Hidden from view, the philanthropist can't watch!
The locker room fills up. Sean Combs has already eaten three oranges. I've been told Sean Combs always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
Jeffrey Epstein goes 0 for the quarter! A philanthropist having a rough shift with their bare hands!
Barack Obama, this living legend, making mistakes from exhaustion! The body is failing!
This global icon Barack Obama loses concentration and the pill with it!
Barack Obama mouths off at right from the tip-off! A community organizer venting about the neighborhood!
Jeffrey Epstein gave it everything! Everything a philanthropist has, left on the court!
Jeffrey Epstein isolates in a corner, back against the wall. Donald Trump tries to talk. He raises a hand to say no. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
103-121 (L)
Sean Combs gets the starting nod! A philanthropist starting with their bare hands confidence!
An off-balance shot attempt by Joe Biden falls short! Shaky emotions under pressure in the legs!
Stolen from Sean Combs! A philanthropist who let it slip through their fingers!
Barack Obama, this all-around player, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
A pull-up jumper from Sean Combs! This top-tier talent is putting on a show tonight!
Halftime. Barack Obama wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. Fun fact: Barack Obama got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Sean Combs, this combo guard, sits down hard on the bench! Limited stamina written all over his face!
A sky hook from Sean Combs catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
This multi-time All-Star Sean Combs runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Joe Biden slows down visibly! Slower than their lecture notes on low power!
Barack Obama walks off in defeat! Even a community organizer's skills couldn't save tonight!
Barack Obama is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Joe Biden waits at the tunnel entrance. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
76-121 (L)
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! An off-the-charts basketball IQ from the jump!
Barack Obama misfires on the low block! Even this all-time great has off nights!
Jeffrey Epstein throws it away! A pass worse than a philanthropist tossing the game!
Donald Trump loses their assignment! Like losing their loaded checkbook in the workshop!
Sean Combs pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The philanthropist in them is showing!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden slides down against the hallway wall. Little scoop: Joe Biden collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Joe Biden clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their lecture notes hitting the young scholars!
Sean Combs is cramping up! This big-name player trying to shake it off! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Donald Trump coughs it up! A film producer's grip doesn't work on the basketball!
Barack Obama spins angrily after the turnover! This basketball god spiraling!
Jeffrey Epstein hangs their head! A philanthropist who gave everything they had!
Joe Biden walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Barack Obama speeds up. Wants it to be over. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-129 (L)
Barack Obama, this once-in-a-lifetime player, embraces the wild stands! Game on!
This hall-of-fame lock Donald Trump rattles it out! So close yet so far from mid-range!
This household name Barack Obama gets pickpocketed facing the rim! Sloppy handling!
Joe Biden gets posted up and scored on! This household name overpowered!
Barack Obama sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a community organizer after a long shift!
Break. Barack Obama collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Anecdote: Barack Obama threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Sean Combs clanks another one off the rim! This top-tier talent needs to find rhythm!
Joe Biden calls for the sub! Even a university professor's stamina with their lecture notes has limits!
Donald Trump gets the ball stripped! The risky picture would have stayed in a film producer's grip!
Barack Obama, this swiss-army-knife type, waves off the play call! Lack of consistency hurting the team!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this once-in-a-lifetime player wanted.
Joe Biden avoids the cameras like the plague. Barack Obama gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-123 (L)
The palace of hoops welcomes Jeffrey Epstein! The philanthropist with the game has arrived!
This household name Donald Trump puts up a catch-and-shoot triple but it won't fall! Off night!
Sean Combs double-dribbles! Competing the game doesn't have that rule!
Barack Obama gets burned on the drive! Tendency to force bad shots in lateral movement!
Barack Obama glares at the ball! Like it personally betrayed this community organizer!
End of the second quarter. Donald Trump is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Confession: Donald Trump believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
Jeffrey Epstein launches from deep and misses! A philanthropist's range doesn't apply here!
Donald Trump drags their feet! Heavy as their loaded checkbook at the end of a shift!
Sloppy handling by Joe Biden! Challenging the young scholars is done with more finesse!
Jeffrey Epstein penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This global icon losing composure!
Jeffrey Epstein walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to philanthropist life tomorrow!
Jeffrey Epstein hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Sean Combs keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
92-123 (L)
Sean Combs comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the philanthropist means business!
Donald Trump heaves and misses! Should have heaved the risky picture instead!
This first-ballot legend Donald Trump commits the offensive foul! Turnover under the basket!
Jeffrey Epstein fouls trying to recover! Desperate as a philanthropist chasing the game!
Joe Biden with the crafty pull-up jumper! An unmatched feel for the game on display!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Donald Trump to massage his thighs. Word is Donald Trump sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
This all-time great Donald Trump shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Jeffrey Epstein misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Sean Combs overloads one side! Loading up with philanthropist strategy!
Joe Biden finds a second wind! The university professor engine roars back to life!
Sean Combs crosses over past the media. This top-tier talent not in the mood to talk.
Sean Combs stares at his hands like he doesn't recognize them. Barack Obama exhales. Again. And again. Tonight I had a revelation: Barack Obama runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
Season Journal
Stop. Everybody shut up. You feel that? That smell of freshly waxed hardwood, brand-new kicks, and electric tension hanging in the air? That's the smell of a night that's going down in the history books. We're in a building where every seat is taken, every eye is locked on the tunnel where a team that has thrilled generations is about to emerge. Championships, heartbreaks, legendary comebacks, midnight trades that shifted the entire balance of the league... This franchise is a damn novel all by itself. And tonight, we're starting the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Jeffrey Epstein. The man. The beast. The man is massive, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
Attention, things are about to get serious. Actually no, things are about to go completely off the rails. The front office signed Barack Obama. The man is a community organizer. Yes, you heard that right. A community organizer. On a basketball court. With their bullhorn in his gym bag and zero understanding of what a pick-and-roll is. The coach says it's a "bet on raw athleticism" but between us, I'm pretty sure he lost a poker bet. Barack Obama had his first practice yesterday and asked if the free throw line was home plate. The teammates are dying laughing, the fans don't know whether to cry or applaud, and the GM was spotted updating his resume on LinkedIn.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (2W-13L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jeffrey Epstein.
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