67 — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | 67 | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Denver Horse-Track | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... 67! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Biden. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
78-122 (L)
Ted Bundy sets the tone early! The serial killer came to play tonight!
Captain America, this certified bucket, can't convert the fast break! Wasted opportunity!
Ted Bundy, this short king, fumbles the entry pass under the basket!
Victor Wembanyama overcommits and gets beat! Hot head when reading the play!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this undisputed superstar, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
First half is done. Victor Wembanyama is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Confession: Victor Wembanyama calls mom after every loss. And every win. And also on Tuesdays. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Joe Biden misfires from back to the basket! This undisputed superstar searching for answers!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is gassed! This certified GOAT candidate bent over at half court! Limited stamina catching up!
Ted Bundy, this low-to-the-ground speedster, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
Captain America mouths off and picks up a T! Tendency to force bad shots taking over!
Joe Biden absorbs the defeat! Taking it on the chin, a university professor knows tough days!
Ted Bundy refuses Detroit Engine-Roar's handshake. Joe Biden offers a limp one with just his fingertips. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
94-98 (L)
Ted Bundy announces themselves! The serial killer has arrived and the building knows it!
Captain America fires away at half court with the same confidence they bring to serving the armed forces.
Captain America gets blown by! Even a career soldier couldn't stop that!
A buzzer beater from Ted Bundy hits the iron! Hot head under the spotlight!
Captain America energizes with hustle plays! Hustling with that career soldier motor!
Break! Ted Bundy heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Exclusive: Ted Bundy was caught reading a philosophy book on the bench. It was Nietzsche. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Captain America misses the game-tying shot! Even a career soldier couldn't save that one!
Captain America drives away from the huddle! This franchise guy in a dark place mentally!
This undisputed superstar Ted Bundy has that look in the eyes! Watch out! An unmatched feel for the game!
Victor Wembanyama throws it away with the game on the line! Occasional mental lapses!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shakes hands and moves on. In the end, injury-prone body proved costly.
Ted Bundy walks in slow motion, arms dangling. Joe Biden speeds up. Wants it to be over. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Joe Biden. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
125-89 (W)
Captain America starts in the scorer! Playing the scorer way a career soldier plays with their military kit!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar answers back with a tear drop! Eyes in the back of the head under pressure!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar threads the needle! Beautiful assist at the buzzer! Unreal court vision!
Ted Bundy powers through for a bank shot! The brute force of stalking the unsuspecting prey!
This undisputed superstar Joe Biden forces the bad pass! Night-in night-out consistency creating turnovers!
Halftime! Ted Bundy has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Intel: Ted Bundy refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Captain America shoots and scores! A sky hook! This versatile guy is a problem!
Joe Biden piles it on! Stacking buckets like it's nothing! The university professor is dominant!
Captain America asked where the armed forces locker is! It's a locker room, not a workshop!
Ted Bundy salutes the bench! A serial killer's salute to the their chilling method crew!
Captain America punches the air at game's end! Victory! The career soldier did it!
Victor Wembanyama and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
127-87 (W)
Captain America locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a career soldier who means business!
A pull-up jumper! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cannot be stopped tonight! This potential GOAT is locked in!
Joe Biden creates the opportunity! Building something special tonight!
Joe Biden, this combo guard, uses every inch to deliver a thunderous slam!
Joe Biden wins the rebound battle! Snatched it like a university professor on the clock!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden slides down against the hallway wall. Anecdote: Joe Biden threw up before his first pro game. No more pre-game burgers ever since. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This franchise cornerstone Ted Bundy does it again! A bucket with effortless precision!
Joe Biden even the deep bench is scoring! Complete team effort tonight!
Captain America lets fly the wrong way on offense! This big-name player needs a GPS!
This basketball god Ted Bundy stares down the bench! A fist pump toward the bench after the big play!
This player making noise Victor Wembanyama thanks the fans! The crowd is on its feet! What a ride!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar cries tears of joy in Joe Biden's arms. Captain America is also crying but nobody knows why. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
104-88 (W)
Captain America takes the court to a cathedral silence! The career soldier with their military kit is here!
Joe Biden, this living legend, sinks an alley-oop with surgical precision at the top of the key!
Victor Wembanyama picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
This global icon Ted Bundy orchestrates the offense in transition! Maestro!
Victor Wembanyama reads the defense perfectly! Nerves of steel and a sky-high basketball IQ!
End of the first act. Captain America is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Fun fact: Captain America was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Captain America hits nothing but net! Pure as a career soldier's work with their military kit!
What a roaring arena! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and the fans creating a spectacle!
Ted Bundy sprints back on defense! This franchise cornerstone leading by example!
Victor Wembanyama pulls up like a player possessed! An off-the-charts basketball IQ unleashed!
Joe Biden, this swiss-army-knife type, salutes the faithful! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench! What a night!
Victor Wembanyama mimes popping a champagne bottle. Ted Bundy mimes chugging straight from it. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Thanks for tonight. Up next: 'American Ninja Warrior: No Elevator Edition.' Sixth floor, no landing.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
115-107 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this next-level player, embraces the crowd fully behind them! Game on!
A bucket from Joe Biden! This potential GOAT reminding everyone why they're on top!
Ted Bundy smothers the ball handler! That's a serial killer who doesn't let go!
Captain America with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Nerves of steel on that one!
Victor Wembanyama, this established player, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Small detail: Victor Wembanyama wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Victor Wembanyama with an incredible off-balance shot at the top of the key! Standing ovation!
Victor Wembanyama, this respected competitor, waves the crowd up! A boiling cauldron rising!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar finds the open teammate! This undisputed superstar making everyone better!
Victor Wembanyama rises up with the fire of a thousand suns! He's on fire!
Captain America wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their military kit and the Wilson!
Victor Wembanyama and Ted Bundy pound their chests like gorillas. The coach pretends not to know them. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
107-105 (W)
This multi-time All-Star Captain America in the starting lineup! Let's see what this multi-time All-Star brings!
Ted Bundy steals the ball! Quick hands from stalking the unsuspecting prey all day!
Ted Bundy misfires again! Having the unsuspecting prey-shaped night!
Ted Bundy nails a step-back three with the ease of a serial killer who stalks the unsuspecting prey. Natural!
Joe Biden schemes with the coaching staff! Plotting the next move, true university professor!
Halftime whistle! Joe Biden grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know? Joe Biden once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Joe Biden dribbles for the lead! A deep three at the top of the key! What a moment!
Ted Bundy swats it away! A drawn charge with that serial killer strength!
The fans sense it coming! The energy is building as Victor Wembanyama gets hot!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Joe Biden with nerves of steel! A layup when it matters most!
Captain America caps a perfect night! Clean as a career soldier on their best day!
Joe Biden does the floss while Kareem Abdul-Jabbar spins like a top. Ted Bundy just stands there, arms crossed. Cool. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
98-100 (L)
This absolute legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes out firing! A layup in the first minute!
Ted Bundy with the decisive buzzer-beater! Pure God-given talent when it matters most!
Joe Biden lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this first-ballot legend fooled!
Victor Wembanyama, this mountain of a man, gets the look facing the rim but the lid's on the rim!
Joe Biden fights through fatigue! That university professor toughness is for real!
Back in the locker room, Ted Bundy sits down and stares at the ceiling. They say Ted Bundy eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
This global icon Joe Biden can't deliver when it matters! Ego the size of Texas under pressure!
Ted Bundy walks away muttering! Muttering about the unsuspecting prey under their breath!
Joe Biden, this smooth operator, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this once-in-a-lifetime player right now!
Ted Bundy picks up the offensive foul! A serial killer charging like they charge at the unsuspecting prey!
Joe Biden wipes a tear! A university professor who poured everything into the effort!
Captain America unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar runs a hand down his face. I learned tonight that Captain America used to be a serial killer. That explains the unique running style. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
103-95 (W)
Victor Wembanyama, this tower, takes the court! The electric crowd is electric!
This global icon Kareem Abdul-Jabbar capitalizes from mid-range! An and-one with freakish explosiveness!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar deflects the pass and starts the break! This undisputed superstar defense to offense!
Victor Wembanyama fires away and dishes! Gorgeous feed from way beyond the arc! Unreal swagger!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar penetrates with purpose every possession! This basketball god chess master!
Halftime! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar checks his stats on the board and winces. Fun fact: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Captain America drops a buzzer beater! The accuracy of a career soldier on full display!
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama brings immense pressure to a new level! Incredible scene!
Joe Biden barks out defensive calls! The voice of their lecture notes echoes across the gymnasium!
From their chilling method to a two-handed slam, Ted Bundy's range is unmatched!
Victor Wembanyama daps up the opponent! Respect from this dude putting the league on notice after the battle!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Captain America makes a bigger heart. Victor Wembanyama makes a massive heart. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-95 (W)
This solid pro Victor Wembanyama gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this certified GOAT candidate, pokes the damn ball free! Scramble from mid-range!
Joe Biden forces a euro-step facing the rim! This potential GOAT trying too hard!
Ted Bundy rises and fires! Stalking the unsuspecting prey never felt this athletic!
Captain America lets fly the ball out of the trap! Unreal swagger under pressure!
Rest. Joe Biden buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Joe Biden logs every game in a notebook. With stars and smiley faces. At that age. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
This world-class player Captain America converts the and-one in the money time! Three-point play!
Ted Bundy defends the post! Sturdy as a serial killer braced for impact!
The crowd does the wave for Joe Biden! University professor pride!
Captain America drives past the defender! A pull-up jumper in the clutch! Incredible!
Victor Wembanyama sits on the bench with a smile! This seasoned vet job well done!
Captain America runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Victor Wembanyama follows doing the wave alone. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-119 (L)
Victor Wembanyama, this long boy, announced to huge cheers! An incredible energy!
Ted Bundy fires and misses off the pick and roll. Should have stuck with the unsuspecting prey!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar loses the leather in traffic! This absolute legend can't afford that!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
What a play by Captain America! A pull-up jumper from mid-range! This jersey-selling name is cooking!
Well-deserved break. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Little secret: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar listens to Celine Dion to focus. I repeat, Celine Dion. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Captain America can't find the range! Their military kit has better accuracy than that!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, this first-ballot legend, manages the clock beautifully in the third quarter!
Victor Wembanyama blows past but the legs won't cooperate! Limited stamina catching up!
Joe Biden leaves the court quietly! Quiet as a university professor after the young scholars setback!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's complexion is grey. Captain America's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
110-99 (W)
Tip-off! Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets us started! Let's go!
A fadeaway jumper by Victor Wembanyama! The crowd erupts! Iron discipline personified!
Victor Wembanyama, this respected competitor, shuts down the play from way beyond the arc! Lockdown defender!
Ted Bundy with the lob pass driving to the hoop! This all-time great to the teammate! Boom!
Joe Biden, this versatile guy, sets a brick-wall screen! Freakish explosiveness on full display!
Rest. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Here we go. Tactical adjustments have been made.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar spins and converts! A thunderous slam in the paint! Money!
Wild stands reaches fever pitch as Joe Biden takes the field house!
Victor Wembanyama, this up-and-coming baller, picks up the fallen teammate! Night-in night-out consistency beyond the stats!
Captain America spins with conviction! This All-Star caliber talent believes tonight is the night!
Victor Wembanyama, this player on the come-up, embraces the teammates! A fist pump toward the bench! Sweet victory!
Ted Bundy does a cartwheel at center court. Joe Biden tries one too and eats it. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-125 (L)
Captain America steps onto the gym! From serving the armed forces to this, game time!
This league veteran Victor Wembanyama misfires again! Shaky emotions under pressure could cost the team!
Joe Biden attacks the Spalding right to the defense! Costly mistake by this global icon!
This generational talent Ted Bundy misjudges the passing lane! Easy assist through!
Joe Biden, this all-time great, barks at the teammate! Heavy feet taking over!
Break! Victor Wembanyama grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Fun fact: Victor Wembanyama blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
The rim rejects Joe Biden! The rim says no! Even a university professor gets rejected sometimes!
Ted Bundy digs deep! Deep as a serial killer digs into the unsuspecting prey!
Victor Wembanyama with the lazy pass! Lack of consistency leading to easy points!
Ted Bundy shakes their head! A serial killer who can't believe that just happened!
Victor Wembanyama, this up-and-coming baller, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Joe Biden's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Victor Wembanyama hides his eyes under a towel. My chair squeaked the entire game. Everyone thinks it was me. It was not me. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
83-128 (L)
This undisputed superstar Kareem Abdul-Jabbar comes out aggressive! Opens with a reverse layup from way beyond the arc!
Joe Biden, this global icon, comes up empty! A buzzer-beater off target off the pick and roll!
Joe Biden, this smooth operator, commits the travel! Tendency to rush in the footwork!
Victor Wembanyama, this walking skyscraper, gets blown by on the perimeter! Hot head in the legs!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar slams the ball in frustration! Hot head on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Joe Biden wipes his forehead with his jersey. Juicy intel: Joe Biden turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
This generational talent Kareem Abdul-Jabbar misses the mark! A two-handed slam goes begging off the pick and roll!
This jersey-selling name Captain America stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Joe Biden dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the university professor's finest moment!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar gets a technical for complaining! Injury-prone body on full display!
This absolute legend Ted Bundy tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Ted Bundy pulls his cap down over his eyes. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar doesn't have a cap, and it shows. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
81-125 (L)
Captain America, this established star, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kareem Abdul-Jabbar throws up a prayer in the paint! Not answered!
This hall-of-fame lock Ted Bundy gets pickpocketed driving to the hoop! Sloppy handling!
Victor Wembanyama gets caught flat-footed! This solid pro beaten to the spot!
Ted Bundy can't hide the frustration! Their chilling method frustration meets the leather frustration!
Halftime! Victor Wembanyama checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know Victor Wembanyama knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest's colors. By accident, obviously. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
A two-handed slam by Victor Wembanyama in the paint is way off! Tough night for this seasoned vet!
Captain America is running on fumes! The career soldier tank is completely empty!
Captain America commits the live-ball turnover! Their military kit would be ashamed!
Joe Biden tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the university professor will bounce back!
This absolute legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Joe Biden sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has his head in his hands. Tonight I had a revelation: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
67 ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. Ladies and gentlemen... 67!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Victor Wembanyama. Standing at 224 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
The worst part? His ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in his hands... And he flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. He's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If he sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, he's on a mission, and believe me, he didn't show up to mess around.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Joe Biden. The man. Is. A university professor. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A university professor. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lecture notes and apparently, the technical motion of a university professor and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Financially, this team is operating in another dimension. The salary cap? Never heard of it. The luxury tax? Paid with a smile. The owner sold two of his yachts to fund this roster and he'd do it again tomorrow morning. Every player on this bench earns more in a week than most people do in a year, and not a single one of them is here to ride the pine. This is a team built to win NOW. Not tomorrow, not next season. Tonight.
67 ends the season #8 with a 8W-7L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
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