ze best — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 4 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | ze best | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Ze best! The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Yao Ming. The man. The beast. Standing at 229 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed William Shakespeare. The man. Is. A playwright. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A playwright. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their fountain pen and apparently, the technical motion of a playwright and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
82-127 (L)
Yao Ming pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this established star!
Albert Einstein can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the status quo, an inventor always hits!
Albert Einstein turns it over in the key! Butterfingers from this inventor!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over tendency to rush!
Yao Ming storms to the bench! This franchise guy is visibly upset!
Halftime whistle! Albert Einstein slides down against the hallway wall. Small detail: Albert Einstein whistles the national anthem before every game. Off-key. Consistently off-key. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Albert Einstein gets the friendly rim but no luck! Even the inventor touch can't save that one!
Yao Ming is visibly tired! This big-name player needs a timeout badly!
Albert Einstein trips up in the key! An inventor never trips at work... Right?
Cristiano Ronaldo mouths off at late in the quarter! An association football player venting about the winning goal!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this versatile guy, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Cristiano Ronaldo stares at the floor while Stephen Curry mutters something inaudible under his breath. I learned backstage that Stephen Curry also does inventor on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
99-92 (W)
This potential GOAT William Shakespeare comes out aggressive! Opens with a catch-and-shoot triple in the paint!
William Shakespeare goes to work to the rack for an and-one! Can't contain this combo guard!
Cristiano Ronaldo with the rejection! Get that out of here! Association football player says no!
Yao Ming, this 7-footer, runs the offense with night-in night-out consistency! Beautiful passing!
This absolute legend Albert Einstein runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
That's a cut. Stephen Curry stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Did you know Stephen Curry plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
This all-time great Cristiano Ronaldo does it again! A half-court heave with effortless precision!
William Shakespeare soaks in a boiling cauldron! This potential GOAT living for these moments!
Stephen Curry finds the open teammate! This certified bucket making everyone better!
This is the Stephen Curry game! This multi-time All-Star taking over in crunch time!
Cristiano Ronaldo closes the show! Curtain call for the association football player with the winning goal!
Albert Einstein grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Stephen Curry applauds. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Stephen Curry. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
112-90 (W)
Game time! Cristiano Ronaldo and this first-ballot legend ready to put on a show at the venue!
Albert Einstein racks up a catch-and-shoot triple! Productive night for this inventor!
Cristiano Ronaldo times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A charge taken at half court!
Stephen Curry with the incredible court vision! This top-tier talent sees passes nobody else does!
William Shakespeare, this living legend, orchestrates the delay game! Nerves of steel in action!
Break. Yao Ming collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Did you know Yao Ming once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Yao Ming, this headliner, drops a sky hook in the paint! Pure artistry!
An electric crowd as William Shakespeare warms up with some playwright moves!
William Shakespeare feeds the hot hand! Feeding the offense with playwright generosity!
The narrative shifts! Stephen Curry takes control with natural-born leadership!
Cristiano Ronaldo finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers an association football player would be proud of!
Albert Einstein runs to the coach and lifts the coach up. Not thrilled but smiles anyway. Tonight I had a revelation: Yao Ming runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
127-95 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Cristiano Ronaldo in the starting lineup! Let's see what this certified GOAT candidate brings!
Yao Ming attacks in transition and finishes with a layup! Too good!
This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry anchors the defense at the buzzer! Nothing gets through!
This once-in-a-lifetime player William Shakespeare with assist number points! Nerves of steel on display!
William Shakespeare, this swiss-army-knife type, positions perfectly for the offensive rebound! Unreal swagger!
Heading in. Cristiano Ronaldo's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Confession: Cristiano Ronaldo believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Yao Ming posts up past the defense for a euro-step! Size advantage from this this towering presence!
An incredible energy as William Shakespeare, this swiss-army-knife type, is introduced! Goosebumps!
Albert Einstein holds the huddle together! That inventor leadership on full display!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, carries the weight of the team on those shoulders!
Game over! William Shakespeare proved a playwright belongs on the den with their fountain pen!
Albert Einstein cries tears of joy in William Shakespeare's arms. Stephen Curry is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent the fourth quarter standing. Not by choice. My chair gave out in the third. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
90-110 (L)
Tip-off! Stephen Curry gets us started! Let's go!
Air ball from William Shakespeare! Being a playwright doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Stephen Curry spins into a dead end back to the basket! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Albert Einstein gets burned on the drive! Limited stamina in lateral movement!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, posts up and delivers a fadeaway jumper! Textbook!
Halftime! William Shakespeare is limping slightly heading off the court. Juicy anecdote: William Shakespeare was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. And we're off! The energy in the arena just went up a notch.
Albert Einstein takes off and kicks the stanchion! This first-ballot legend losing composure!
Yao Ming, this mountain of a man, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Hot head!
Cristiano Ronaldo makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true association football player!
Stephen Curry asks for the ball to slow the pace! This multi-time All-Star needs air!
This world-class player Yao Ming leaves the field house with head held high. Fought to the end.
Albert Einstein avoids the cameras like the plague. Stephen Curry gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I spent the evening standing up and sitting down every thirty seconds. My Fitbit is congratulating me. We're packing up. Time for the late-night feature: 'Unsolved Mysteries: Where Is My Left Sock.'
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
107-106 (W)
Albert Einstein, this living legend, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Yao Ming with the chase-down ball recovery! What athleticism!
A devastating dunk attempt by Stephen Curry falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
William Shakespeare goes to work the damn ball with iron discipline. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Cristiano Ronaldo spaces the floor! Making room out there like an association football player clears the workspace!
The locker room. Cristiano Ronaldo sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote of the day: Cristiano Ronaldo forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
William Shakespeare with the go-ahead sky hook! This certified GOAT candidate seizes the moment!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, shuts down the play from way beyond the arc! Lockdown defender!
The crowd is on its feet! Immense pressure as William Shakespeare takes the court!
This certified bucket Stephen Curry steals it in the first half! Turns defense into points!
Yao Ming drives the trophy! This headliner adds to the collection! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Cristiano Ronaldo and Stephen Curry act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
88-116 (L)
Stephen Curry, this tweener, is introduced and the arena explodes! This multi-time All-Star is in the building!
Cristiano Ronaldo drives but the shot rims out! Hot head rears its ugly head!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this all-around player, steps out of bounds with the Spalding! Mental lapse!
William Shakespeare gives up the easy bucket! Easier than crafting the gripping act!
Albert Einstein adds to the total! An inventor who always exceeds expectations!
Break time. Yao Ming bolts to the locker room without looking at anyone. Locker room anecdote: Yao Ming talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. We resume. Eyes locked in, jaws clenched.
William Shakespeare walks away muttering! Muttering about the gripping act under their breath!
Cristiano Ronaldo blows past the ball right into the defender's hands! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This hall-of-fame lock William Shakespeare calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
Stephen Curry is gassed! This world-class player bent over at half court! Sometimes predictable game catching up!
Cristiano Ronaldo, this undisputed superstar, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Albert Einstein is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. William Shakespeare waits at the tunnel entrance. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
93-111 (L)
Cristiano Ronaldo steps onto the den! From scoring the winning goal to this, game time!
Yao Ming fires a finger roll at half court but can't connect! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Yao Ming passes to nobody! This multi-time All-Star with a head-scratching decision!
Cristiano Ronaldo bites on the pump fake! This household name sent flying off the pick and roll!
William Shakespeare dribbles from the left corner with the same confidence they bring to crafting the gripping act.
Players head to the locker room. William Shakespeare has tape on three fingers. Confession: William Shakespeare tried yoga. Lasted two sessions before declaring it a combat sport. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
This household name Albert Einstein stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Albert Einstein, this smooth operator, can't get a bank shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Stephen Curry shoots to the weak side! This headliner exploiting the rotation!
William Shakespeare mops their face! Sweating more than when crafting the gripping act!
Albert Einstein had the chances but couldn't convert. This generational talent left wanting.
William Shakespeare stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Cristiano Ronaldo comes back to get him. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
88-107 (L)
This global icon William Shakespeare gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Yao Ming misses the open look! This max-contract guy can't believe it! Sometimes predictable game!
Albert Einstein commits the live-ball turnover! Their prototype sketch would be ashamed!
William Shakespeare left in the dust! Even a playwright moves faster than that!
Yao Ming dribbles and it's a scoop layup! This jersey-selling name proving the doubters wrong!
Into the tunnel. Yao Ming grabs a banana on the way and devours it. Bus driver's confession: Yao Ming raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Cristiano Ronaldo glares at the scoreboard! This hall-of-fame lock not happy with the situation!
This franchise cornerstone William Shakespeare short-arms a double-clutch layup from the left corner! Not enough lift!
Albert Einstein outsmarts the opponent! The brains of an inventor with their prototype sketch!
This max-contract guy Yao Ming calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking its toll!
This headliner Stephen Curry shakes hands and moves on. In the end, hot head proved costly.
Albert Einstein snaps at the bench on his way out. Stephen Curry says nothing, but his look says everything. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
98-123 (L)
This elite player Stephen Curry means business! Fast start from the left corner!
Cristiano Ronaldo can't find the range! Their football boots has better accuracy than that!
Yao Ming coughs up the basketball! Shaky emotions under pressure strikes again from downtown!
Cristiano Ronaldo watches helplessly! An association football player watching the winning goal fall off the shelf!
Stephen Curry, this solid build, muscles in for a catch-and-shoot triple! Pure power!
End of the second quarter. Albert Einstein is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. True story: Albert Einstein walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Denver Horse-Track. Awkward. We're back! The coach drew stuff on the whiteboard, let's see if it works.
Stephen Curry slams the leather in frustration! Heavy feet on full display!
William Shakespeare launches a tear drop and... Airball! Injury-prone body at its peak!
Cristiano Ronaldo shoots the ball out of the trap! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Cristiano Ronaldo needs oxygen! More winded than an association football player after overtime!
Yao Ming sits alone on the bench. This big-name player processing the defeat.
Albert Einstein whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Stephen Curry nods without conviction. On my end, I ate a hot dog so disgusting I'd classify it as a traumatic experience. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
92-122 (L)
Albert Einstein starts in the scorer! Playing the scorer way an inventor plays with their prototype sketch!
This elite player Stephen Curry shanks a pull-up jumper at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
William Shakespeare dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the playwright's finest moment!
William Shakespeare can't stay in front! Crafting the gripping act doesn't build lateral quickness!
William Shakespeare finishes through contact! Built tough from handling their fountain pen!
Halftime. Albert Einstein glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Fun fact: Albert Einstein was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Albert Einstein, this all-around player, shows negative body language! Sometimes predictable game creeping in!
William Shakespeare with the off-balance step-back three! This living legend couldn't set the feet!
This absolute legend William Shakespeare attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Sometimes predictable game!
Albert Einstein, this franchise cornerstone, takes the loss hard. Injury-prone body at the wrong moments.
Cristiano Ronaldo mutters while walking out. Yao Ming watches from the corner of his eye, worried. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
116-92 (W)
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, announced to huge cheers! A packed arena!
William Shakespeare hits from downtown! Precision worthy of their fountain pen from the left corner!
Stephen Curry, this do-it-all player, walls off the drive from downtown! No way through!
Yao Ming whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This walking skyscraper seeing everything!
Albert Einstein communicates the switch! Clear as an inventor's instructions!
The players head to the locker room. Cristiano Ronaldo is sweating like a racehorse. Did you know? Cristiano Ronaldo has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This all-time great William Shakespeare with a cold-blooded sky hook! No conscience!
Yao Ming, this giant, gets the standing ovation! A boiling cauldron!
Stephen Curry sacrifices the body taking the charge! This bonafide star ultimate teammate!
From their prototype sketch to a free throw, Albert Einstein's range is unmatched!
William Shakespeare heads to the locker room with a smile! Good day at the office for the playwright!
William Shakespeare runs the full court high-fiving everyone. Cristiano Ronaldo follows doing the wave alone. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
91-104 (L)
Yao Ming, this franchise guy, draws first blood! A layup to start!
Albert Einstein misses the open look! An inventor never misses the status quo... But misses the leather!
This generational talent Albert Einstein with turnover number buckets! Tendency to force bad shots is piling up!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry commits the and-one foul! Injury-prone body in positioning!
A deep three from Cristiano Ronaldo from mid-range! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Heading in. Stephen Curry's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Fun fact: Stephen Curry tried to patent a celebration after a three-pointer. The application was rejected. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Albert Einstein kicks the air! The frustration of an inventor who knows they can do better!
Albert Einstein rushes a hook shot from the right corner! Limited stamina creeping in!
Cristiano Ronaldo makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of an association football player behind the winning goal!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry stumbles! The fatigue is real after the contest!
Yao Ming reflects on what could have been. Shaky emotions under pressure the difference tonight.
Albert Einstein whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Stephen Curry nods without conviction. My wife texted me: 'when are you coming home?' I said 'after the game.' That was two hours ago. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-113 (L)
Albert Einstein gets the starting nod! An inventor starting with their prototype sketch confidence!
Stephen Curry steps back and fires but misses everything! Injury-prone body tonight!
Stephen Curry with a wild pass that sails out! This franchise guy giving it away!
William Shakespeare beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the gripping act slipping from a playwright!
Yao Ming mouths off and picks up a T! Sometimes predictable game taking over!
Cut! Halftime. Cristiano Ronaldo's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Bus driver's confession: Cristiano Ronaldo raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Stephen Curry can't buy a bucket! Another miss on the low block! Frustrating!
William Shakespeare calls for the sub! Even a playwright's stamina with their fountain pen has limits!
Albert Einstein with the careless pass! Revolutionizing the status quo with more care, please!
Cristiano Ronaldo mutters to himself walking back! This guy with rings on every finger fighting inner demons!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this multi-time All-Star.
Yao Ming shakes Stephen Curry's hand in silence. Not a word. Just a look that says it all. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
102-121 (L)
Yao Ming fires up the crowd to open the game! This All-Star caliber talent starting strong!
This headliner Yao Ming rattles it out! So close yet so far on the low block!
Cristiano Ronaldo blows past carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Stephen Curry, this all-around player, gets blown by on the perimeter! Injury-prone body in the legs!
This guy with rings on every finger William Shakespeare with a vintage finger roll! The old magic is still there!
Halftime whistle! Albert Einstein grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Did you know Albert Einstein entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
William Shakespeare, this all-around player, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Albert Einstein gets blocked! Rejected harder than an inventor's worst day on the job!
Cristiano Ronaldo iso at the top! Isolating the matchup with association football player focus!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, laboring up and down! Sometimes predictable game draining the energy!
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this multi-time All-Star wanted.
William Shakespeare lets out a big exhale walking through the door. Stephen Curry holds his in. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
ze best finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Yao Ming.
Season Journal
Buckle up, pull your visor down, and clench everything you've got because tonight we are NOT talking about some pickup game at the park. Hell no. We're talking about an arena shaking so hard the neighbors called the cops three times before tip-off. We're talking about a franchise built on decades of sweat, tears, heart-stopping buzzer-beaters, and Draft picks so bold that half the league thought they'd lost their minds. And yet, here they are, back and hungrier than ever. Ladies and gentlemen... Ze best!
The real reason this building is at capacity? It's him. Yao Ming. The man. The beast. Standing at 229 cm, and not an ounce of fat, all lean muscle and raw talent. This dude was put on Earth to play basketball, there's no other explanation. Watch him move on the court and it's like watching a predator in the savanna: every movement is calculated, every step is perfect, and when he decides to strike, it's already too late for the defender. Nature built a monster, and we're lucky enough to watch him play tonight.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed William Shakespeare. The man. Is. A playwright. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A playwright. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their fountain pen and apparently, the technical motion of a playwright and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
The budget? Astronomical. The owner said "let's go" and signed the check without even looking at the number. We're deep into the luxury tax, every dollar over the threshold costs triple, and the accountant has nightmares every single night. But when you've got two superstars, a fifteen-man roster where the weakest link would start elsewhere, and a coaching staff paid in gold, you don't give a damn about the bill. It's championship or bust, and they've chosen their side.
ze best finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: Yao Ming.
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