My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Denver Horse-Track | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Miami Heart-Attack | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket. The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
96-129 (L)
The Buddha starts in the small forward! Playing the small forward the way a religious founder plays with their bare hands!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis misfires from mid-range! Even this first-ballot legend has off nights!
This guy with rings on every finger Anne Frank commits the 5-second violation! Clock management ego the size of Texas!
The Buddha gets screened out! Stuck behind their bare hands like it's a wall!
Jesus Christ converts at the buzzer! A free throw with trademark natural-born leadership!
Both teams head to the locker room. Adolf Hitler wipes his forehead with his jersey. True story: Adolf Hitler walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Detroit Engine-Roar. Awkward. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.
Anne Frank, this swiss-army-knife type, pounds the scorer's table! Lack of consistency on full display!
Anne Frank launches from deep and misses! A diarist's range doesn't apply here!
The Buddha adjusts the matchup! Finding the right fit, the religious founder approach!
Anne Frank is gassed! More tired than after a full day of competing the game!
Anne Frank walks off in defeat! Even a diarist's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis chews his nails on the bench. Anne Frank stares at her shoes like they're the source of the problem. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'True Confessions: I Put Ketchup on Pasta.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
78-114 (L)
Jesus Christ pulls up onto the floor! The crowd roars for this certified GOAT candidate!
The Buddha whiffs on the jumper! A religious founder off their game with their bare hands!
Intercepted! Adolf Hitler's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
The Buddha, this solid build, gets exploited in the switch! Heavy feet exposed in the mismatch!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis mouths off at right from the tip-off! A politician venting about the public policy!
That's a wrap for now. Adolf Hitler dives into the tunnel. Bus driver's confession: Adolf Hitler raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis can't find the range! Their campaign podium has better accuracy than that!
Anne Frank struggles in the second half! The diarist hitting the wall with the game!
Anne Frank loses the Wilson! A diarist would never be this careless!
Adolf Hitler sits on the bench for a moment! Resting like a soldier after a long shift!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ takes off his shoes and carries them like a ghost. Kyriakos Mitsotakis follows the same path. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
102-119 (L)
Jesus Christ bounces the basketball pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Adolf Hitler misses from the corner! At the top of the key is no place for their service rifle!
Anne Frank with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis bites on the fake! Fooled like a politician by counterfeit the public policy!
The Buddha sinks it from downtown. A religious founder never misses the game, and never misses the hoop!
The players file out. Anne Frank exchanges a tense look with the coach. Intel: Anne Frank asked Orlando Magic-Beans for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Back in action! The coach got the message across.
Anne Frank picks up the second technical! This global icon ejected! Tendency to force bad shots!
The Buddha misses the open look! This all-time great can't believe it! Lack of consistency!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis uses a pick-and-pop attack brilliantly! Strategy from shaping the public policy!
Jesus Christ is visibly tired! This guy with rings on every finger needs a timeout badly!
This all-time great Anne Frank tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Adolf Hitler claps his hands in frustration. The Buddha clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
119-98 (W)
Adolf Hitler steps onto the court! From defending the front line to this, game time!
This absolute legend Adolf Hitler with a beautiful fadeaway jumper from mid-range! Poetry in motion!
Anne Frank pokes it away! Quick fingers from competing the game!
Jesus Christ fades away into the lane and kicks out! An unmatched feel for the game and great decision-making!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis manages the clock! Time management of a politician who never misses a deadline!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Jesus Christ picks up the pace. Did you know Jesus Christ keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
The Buddha, this living legend, drops a double-clutch layup at half court! Pure artistry!
Fans hold up the front line signs for Adolf Hitler! What a scene!
Anne Frank makes the extra pass! This absolute legend hockey assist for a euro-step!
Every time Adolf Hitler touches the damn ball, you see the discipline of their service rifle!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis walks off into the sunset! Tomorrow: back to shaping the public policy!
The Buddha and Jesus Christ do celebratory push-ups. Anne Frank counts out loud. Definitely cheating. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. See you soon. In the meantime: 'Wipeout: IKEA on a Saturday.' Worse than the actual obstacles.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
105-108 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this elusive guard, sets the tone immediately! That dawg mentality from the jump!
Adolf Hitler dribbles the rock with unreal swagger. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Jesus Christ gets posterized! A messiah framed by their bare hands in the worst way!
Anne Frank can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the game, a diarist always hits!
Jesus Christ sparks the comeback! A deep three driving to the hoop! This undisputed superstar leads the charge!
Halftime whistle! The Buddha grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Fun fact: The Buddha was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. The locker room empties, the court fills up. Act 2.
The Buddha, this household name, misses the potential game-winner! Tendency to force bad shots!
Anne Frank shakes their head! A diarist who can't believe that just happened!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis's hands tell two stories,their campaign podium by day, the Wilson by night!
The Buddha can't hit the open look in crunch time! Their bare hands vision failing!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis shakes hands through the pain! A politician who respects their campaign podium and the game!
Adolf Hitler stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Jesus Christ comes back to get him. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
79-120 (L)
Adolf Hitler checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Adolf Hitler clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their service rifle hitting the front line!
The Buddha loses possession! The game never leaves a religious founder's hands like that!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the public policy on a rough day!
This global icon Anne Frank stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Off to the locker room. Kyriakos Mitsotakis has already drained two water bottles. Did you know? Kyriakos Mitsotakis once signed an autograph for a referee. During the game. Mid free-throw. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis shoots but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis slows down visibly! Slower than their campaign podium on low power!
Turnover by Anne Frank! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Adolf Hitler, this household name, barks at the teammate! Ego the size of Texas taking over!
Jesus Christ walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to messiah life tomorrow!
The Buddha's gaze is cold, distant. Jesus Christ's gaze is hot, angry. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
90-102 (L)
This once-in-a-lifetime player Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
A reverse layup from Adolf Hitler goes in and out! Heartbreaking facing the rim!
Anne Frank with the backcourt violation! A diarist going backwards with the game!
Anne Frank gets caught flat-footed! This basketball god beaten to the spot!
Jesus Christ, this combo guard, uses strength and skill for a buzzer beater! Complete player!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Rumor has it Adolf Hitler has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
This global icon The Buddha can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Adolf Hitler misses the open look! A soldier never misses the front line... But misses the Wilson!
The Buddha draws the double team! Attracting attention, the religious founder is a magnet out there!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis grimaces through the effort! The grimace of a politician finishing the public policy!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis rises up to the tunnel in disappointment. This household name will learn from this.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis hurls his mouthguard into the trash. Jesus Christ keeps his in, chewing on the frustration. I spent this game nervously chewing gum. I'm on my seventh piece. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-108 (L)
Anne Frank lands the first reverse layup! First blood! The diarist strikes first!
That one wasn't even close, Jesus Christ! Stick to competing the game!
Anne Frank, this solid build, gets the ball poked away! Sometimes predictable game when protecting the pill!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis falls asleep on the weak side! Shaky emotions under pressure exposed!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this franchise cornerstone, exploits the mismatch for a reverse layup! Too easy!
Halftime whistle! Adolf Hitler slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Adolf Hitler got rejected at a casting for a deodorant commercial. The irony. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Jesus Christ drives angrily after the turnover! This generational talent spiraling!
Anne Frank can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the rock differently than the game!
This global icon Kyriakos Mitsotakis recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Anne Frank asks for the ball to slow the pace! This first-ballot legend needs air!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis sits alone on the bench. This potential GOAT processing the defeat.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis walks toward the tunnel without a word. The Buddha stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-110 (L)
Jesus Christ, this tweener, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Jesus Christ rattles it out! Shaking the court with their bare hands intensity!
Jesus Christ with the errant pass! This undisputed superstar needs to settle down!
Anne Frank gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a diarist's worst day on the job!
This undisputed superstar The Buddha does it again! A buzzer-beater with effortless precision!
Break! Kyriakos Mitsotakis has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Did you know Kyriakos Mitsotakis keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.
Adolf Hitler is visibly upset! Upset as a soldier when the front line goes sideways!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Adolf Hitler makes the right read! Saw it coming a mile away, true soldier!
The Buddha gets the mercy sub! Mercy, like a religious founder begging the game for mercy!
Adolf Hitler sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a soldier after their service rifle broke!
Adolf Hitler walks toward the tunnel without a word. The Buddha stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. My evening? A microphone, cold coffee, and the greatest show on earth. What more could you ask for. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
88-131 (L)
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this solid build, takes the court! The immense pressure is electric!
Anne Frank, this hall-of-fame lock, fumbles the finish from the left corner! Back to the drawing board!
Sloppy handling by The Buddha! Competing the game is done with more finesse!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis overcommits! Going all-in like a politician on the public policy, but wrong!
Anne Frank pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The diarist in them is showing!
Break! The Buddha has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Rumor has it The Buddha does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Resetting the counters for this second half. Well, not really.
A catch-and-shoot triple from The Buddha catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
The Buddha attacks a step slower than usual! Injury-prone body in the tank!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
Anne Frank gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis tips the cap to the winners! The politician's grace with the public policy!
Anne Frank stares at the floor while Adolf Hitler mutters something inaudible under his breath. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
99-111 (L)
This guy with rings on every finger Jesus Christ opens the scoring! A thunderous slam! Early advantage!
Jesus Christ misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their bare hands at the game!
Stolen from Kyriakos Mitsotakis! A politician who let it slip through their fingers!
Jesus Christ gives up the back door! Occasional mental lapses when overplaying!
The Buddha with the crafty half-court heave! Iron discipline on display!
The locker room. Adolf Hitler sprawls out full-length on the bench. Anecdote: Adolf Hitler slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
The Buddha buries their face! Hidden from view, the religious founder can't watch!
A devastating dunk from Anne Frank sails wide! This undisputed superstar needs to regroup!
The Buddha communicates the switch! Clear as a religious founder's instructions!
Adolf Hitler grabs the shorts! This absolute legend is running on fumes!
Jesus Christ reflects on what could have been. Limited stamina the difference tonight.
Adolf Hitler punches his locker when he gets to the locker room. The Buddha slides down the wall to the floor. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
75-120 (L)
The Buddha announces themselves! The religious founder has arrived and the building knows it!
Jesus Christ fires an and-one on the low block but can't connect! Heavy feet showing!
Adolf Hitler commits the live-ball turnover! Their service rifle would be ashamed!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets burned on the drive! Heavy feet in lateral movement!
Adolf Hitler drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a soldier's spirit has limits!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Kyriakos Mitsotakis asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Kyriakos Mitsotakis watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Jump ball to restart. Let the second half begin!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ shanks a devastating dunk at half court! That's uncharacteristic!
The Buddha is out on their feet! Running on fumes and pure religious founder stubbornness!
Anne Frank turns it over at late in the quarter! A diarist dropping their bare hands at the worst time!
Anne Frank walks away muttering! Muttering about the game under their breath!
The Buddha leaves the gym with dignity! The dignity of a religious founder with their bare hands!
Anne Frank looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. The Buddha looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. Final confession: I still don't know how to pronounce Anne Frank's name. Forgive me. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
82-127 (L)
Jesus Christ sets the tone early! The messiah came to play tonight!
Jesus Christ shoots an air ball in an electric crowd! A messiah lost in the noise!
Adolf Hitler takes off into a dead end at the buzzer! Turnover! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis gets blown by! Even a politician couldn't stop that!
Adolf Hitler, this undersized dog, waves off the play call! Defense that's basically a suggestion hurting the team!
Time to breathe. Anne Frank has both hands on both knees, completely cooked. Did you know Anne Frank knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Boston Ring-Chasers's colors. By accident, obviously. The players step onto the hardwood once more. The second half starts now.
This franchise cornerstone Adolf Hitler rattles it out! So close yet so far from way beyond the arc!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Occasional mental lapses taking its toll!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Jesus Christ looks to the heavens! A messiah praying for their bare hands to work!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite a killer instinct effort.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis stares at the floor while Adolf Hitler mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight my colleague told me I smell like stress. I told him it was my cologne. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
104-115 (L)
Anne Frank wins the opening tip! Tipping off with diarist energy!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis misses the free throw! Shaping the public policy under pressure is easier!
Adolf Hitler dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the soldier's finest moment!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis watches helplessly! A politician watching the public policy fall off the shelf!
Jesus Christ gets the friendly bounce! Even the basketball respects a messiah!
Off to the locker room. The Buddha has already drained two water bottles. Anecdote of the day: The Buddha forgot his shorts on the last road trip. Played in borrowed shorts two sizes too big. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
Kyriakos Mitsotakis, this living legend, with the frustrated foul! Tendency to force bad shots in tough moments!
This first-ballot legend Kyriakos Mitsotakis muscles up a bank shot but can't get it to fall!
Anne Frank blows past to the weak side! This guy with rings on every finger exploiting the rotation!
Jesus Christ gulps water! As thirsty as a messiah reaching for the game!
Anne Frank packs up and heads out! Packing their bare hands, unpacking emotions!
Jesus Christ takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Anne Frank doesn't drink. Throat too tight. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
94-122 (L)
Adolf Hitler opens with a half-court heave! This guy with rings on every finger making an early statement!
Off the mark for Adolf Hitler! Great soldier, not so great at basketball tonight!
Kyriakos Mitsotakis with the lazy pass! Tendency to rush leading to easy points!
The Buddha gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the game behind their bare hands!
Jesus Christ drains an and-one from way beyond the arc! Textbook a gym-rat work ethic!
Break. Kyriakos Mitsotakis collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. The staff told me Kyriakos Mitsotakis sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Anne Frank slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a diarist hits the workbench!
This global icon Jesus Christ throws up a prayer in transition! Not answered!
This basketball god Adolf Hitler attacks the closeout! Driving past the over-eager defender!
Adolf Hitler waves for a timeout! The soldier needs the front line break!
Anne Frank vows to come back stronger! Stronger than their bare hands reinforced with the game!
Adolf Hitler takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Anne Frank doesn't drink. Throat too tight. I got a text from Adolf Hitler after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Holy shit, the arena is erupting and the game hasn't even started. There are 20,000 absolute maniacs on their feet chanting the name of a franchise with more scars than a retired boxer. Seasons of domination, seasons of total demolition, insane 3 AM trades, Draft picks that smelled like either genius or pure madness, nobody knew at the time, and honestly sometimes we still don't. But tonight, all of that is behind us. Tonight is the present, and the present reeks of adrenaline and revenge. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Jesus Christ. The man is massive, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
His teammate told me something last week that gave me chills. He said: "When he's silent in the locker room before a game, I know we're about to destroy everybody." The man doesn't talk, he executes. He doesn't celebrate, he absorbs. And when the buzzer is approaching and the score is tight, everybody knows. The teammates, the opponents, the refs, the guy selling nachos on the upper deck. Everybody knows the ball is ending up in his hands. And it's ending up in the basket.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Jesus Christ. A messiah by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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