My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | New York Over-Timers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | My Team | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Phoenix No-Defense | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Victor Wembanyama. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 224 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
84-129 (L)
Victor Wembanyama looks dialed in from the start! An unmatched feel for the game preparation showing!
Jesus Christ can't finish! The messiah who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Jesus Christ loses the pill! A messiah would never be this careless!
Jesus Christ gives up the easy bucket! Easier than competing the game!
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
Halftime whistle! Jesus Christ slides down against the hallway wall. Rumor has it Jesus Christ does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
Jesus Christ misses the free throw! Competing the game under pressure is easier!
Jesus Christ misses the rotation! Too tired, like a messiah too tired for the game!
Kyrie Irving charges right into the defender! Turnover! Heavy feet when controlling pace!
This All-Star caliber talent Kyrie Irving stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ had the chances but couldn't convert. This absolute legend left wanting.
Victor Wembanyama whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Jesus Christ nods without conviction. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
109-94 (W)
And we're underway! Kobe Bryant touches the damn ball first! This potential GOAT looks eager!
Jesus Christ with the highlight-reel buzzer-beater! This franchise cornerstone owning the moment!
Jesus Christ strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
Kyrie Irving with the no-look pass! This max-contract guy has eyes in the back of the head!
Kobe Bryant, this hall-of-fame lock, manipulates the defense with the eyes! Next-level basketball IQ!
Halftime whistle! Kobe Bryant slides down against the hallway wall. Fun fact: Kobe Bryant is unbeatable at arm wrestling in the locker room. Even the center is scared. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Kobe Bryant with an incredible hook shot under the basket! Standing ovation!
A hostile crowd is electric when Jesus Christ has the rock! A messiah charging the room!
This global icon Jesus Christ unites the locker room! Pure God-given talent captain's mentality!
Jesus Christ dedicates this game to the game and every messiah who believed!
Kyrie Irving posts up the trophy! This max-contract guy adds to the collection! A raised fist!
Jesus Christ jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
119-91 (W)
Jesus Christ gets the starting nod! A messiah starting with their bare hands confidence!
Kobe Bryant scores with an off-the-charts basketball IQ. A catch-and-shoot triple driving to the hoop! Too smooth!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
Kobe Bryant threads the needle! Beautiful assist along the baseline! Unreal court vision!
This established player Victor Wembanyama calls the audible! Changed the play and it works!
The locker room fills up. Kyrie Irving has already eaten three oranges. Rumor has it Kyrie Irving tried to recruit the pizza delivery guy for the team. The guy was 6'9". We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Victor Wembanyama steps back the Wilson into a two-handed slam! Next-level basketball IQ shining through!
Kyrie Irving steps back and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Victor Wembanyama, this 7-footer, anchors the second unit! This player making noise versatile contributor!
This is the Kobe Bryant game! This franchise cornerstone taking over in the final quarter!
Kobe Bryant tosses the pill in the air! A slide across the hardwood! This certified GOAT candidate mission accomplished!
Kobe Bryant throws chalk powder like LeBron. Victor Wembanyama coughs for two minutes straight. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good night! Up next: 'America's Got Talent: Mouth Noises Edition.' The judges are baffled.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
102-104 (L)
Jesus Christ steps onto the palace of hoops! From competing the game to this, game time!
Jesus Christ penetrates the pill with flair and hits an and-one! Sensational!
Kyrie Irving, this do-it-all player, gets exploited in the switch! Injury-prone body exposed in the mismatch!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates from downtown!
Kyrie Irving, this certified bucket, with the gutsy play! Clawing back one possession at a time!
Break! Jesus Christ has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. Confession: Jesus Christ believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Jesus Christ throws it away in the fourth quarter! A messiah wasting their bare hands at the worst time!
Jesus Christ tugs at their jersey! Frustrated, but the messiah will bounce back!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, sets the tone with natural-born leadership! Leader!
Victor Wembanyama can't handle the pressure! This hooper's hooper folds on the inbound pass!
Jesus Christ walks off in defeat! Even a messiah's skills couldn't save tonight!
Kobe Bryant's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. Behind the scenes, I learned Jesus Christ was also a messiah in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
99-113 (L)
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant comes out firing! A free throw in the first minute!
Kobe Bryant fires a two-handed slam in transition but can't connect! Limited stamina showing!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
Kobe Bryant gambles for the steal and pays the price! Tendency to rush!
Kyrie Irving with next-level basketball IQ finds the angle for an off-balance shot!
Halftime! Kyrie Irving is limping slightly heading off the court. Quick anecdote about Kyrie Irving: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
Kobe Bryant glares at the scoreboard! This franchise cornerstone not happy with the situation!
A buzzer-beater by Victor Wembanyama along the baseline is way off! Tough night for this league veteran!
Jesus Christ launches into the right spacing! Night-in night-out consistency and elite court awareness!
Kobe Bryant explodes but the legs won't cooperate! Lack of consistency catching up!
This first-ballot legend Kobe Bryant leaves the den with head held high. Fought to the end.
Kobe Bryant watches the crowd file out in silence. Kyrie Irving prefers not to look. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
120-87 (W)
Victor Wembanyama fires away into position! This up-and-coming baller not wasting any time!
A layup by Kyrie Irving! The building is rocking! This jersey-selling name takeover!
This certified GOAT candidate Jesus Christ orchestrates the offense off the pick and roll! Maestro!
Jesus Christ just treated the ball way they treat the game. A buzzer beater, bang!
Jesus Christ steals the ball! Quick hands from competing the game all day!
End of the second quarter. Jesus Christ is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. They say Jesus Christ eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Break's over, the players take their positions.
Victor Wembanyama converts a tough free throw under the basket! Skill level: elite!
Victor Wembanyama and the garbage time lineup! This next-level player can rest easy!
Victor Wembanyama tries the behind-the-back and loses it! This seasoned vet too fancy!
Kobe Bryant throws the finger guns at the crowd! A raised fist after a layup!
Jesus Christ is named player of the game! The messiah is also the star!
Jesus Christ makes a heart with his hands toward the camera. Jesus Christ makes a bigger heart. Kobe Bryant makes a massive heart. I learned backstage that Jesus Christ also does messiah on weekends. That explains those reflexes. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
111-83 (W)
Tip-off! Jesus Christ gets us started! Let's go!
Victor Wembanyama, this next-level player, drops a catch-and-shoot triple from way beyond the arc! Pure artistry!
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, shuts down the play at half court! Lockdown defender!
This big-name player Kyrie Irving exploits the gap! Dime to the corner for a buzzer beater!
Jesus Christ reads the defense like a book! Perfect play call from this messiah!
Break! Kobe Bryant heads straight to the bathroom moment he hits the locker room. Little secret: Kobe Bryant has a secret TikTok account with 12 followers. Posts cooking tutorials. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Victor Wembanyama hits a euro-step! Night-in night-out consistency proving to be the difference tonight!
What a boiling cauldron! Victor Wembanyama and the fans creating a spectacle!
Victor Wembanyama makes the extra pass! This legit talent hockey assist for a layup!
A narrative for the ages: Jesus Christ, the messiah who mastered their bare hands and the ball!
Jesus Christ grabs the game ball! This all-time great earned it tonight!
Victor Wembanyama launches his shoe into the air. Jesus Christ catches it. Standing ovation. I spent this entire evening standing because my chair has been broken for three games. Nobody fixes it. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
129-93 (W)
Jesus Christ stretches center court! Loosening up, the messiah is getting ready!
Kobe Bryant, this potential GOAT, sinks a double-clutch layup with surgical precision from the left corner!
Jesus Christ with the lob pass at the buzzer! This all-time great to the teammate! Boom!
Jesus Christ lets fly and delivers a euro-step! Their bare hands by day, buckets by night!
Jesus Christ drops into help defense! Always there when you need a messiah!
Halftime. Jesus Christ is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Word is Jesus Christ sleeps with his basketball shoes on. I can't confirm it, but the source is reliable. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Kyrie Irving, this world-class player, unleashes an off-balance shot under the basket! Bang!
Kyrie Irving penetrates and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
This certified bucket Kyrie Irving trash talks then immediately misses! Karma!
Kyrie Irving slides across the floor! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd on the low block! Entertainment!
Victor Wembanyama, this tree of a man, celebrates the win! A victory dance! What a game!
Jesus Christ launches his shoe into the air. Kyrie Irving catches it. Standing ovation. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
98-108 (L)
The game begins and Kobe Bryant is ready! You can see freakish explosiveness written all over his face!
Jesus Christ can't hit from the free-throw line! That zone is cursed for this messiah!
Jesus Christ with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the game!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ can't recover! Scored on at half court! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Kobe Bryant pulls up and drills a buzzer-beater! Can't teach that!
Halftime. Kobe Bryant's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Did you know Kobe Bryant once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.
Kobe Bryant, this tower, sits down hard on the bench! Heavy feet written all over his face!
Jesus Christ sends it wide! Their bare hands wouldn't forgive that either!
Victor Wembanyama, this league veteran, manages the clock beautifully in overtime!
Kyrie Irving, this versatile guy, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
Victor Wembanyama walks off in silence. This guy with a proven track record gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Kobe Bryant sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. During halftime, I tried to interview the mascot. It ignored me. I'll recover eventually. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
112-105 (W)
Kobe Bryant, this household name, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Victor Wembanyama, this established player, threads the needle for a scoop layup from downtown!
Jesus Christ walls up in the restricted area! Immovable as their bare hands bolted down!
Jesus Christ threads the needle! Precision of their bare hands through the game!
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, exploits the mismatch off the pick and roll! Smart play!
Break. Kyrie Irving asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Juicy anecdote: Kyrie Irving was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
Victor Wembanyama drains a bank shot from the right corner! Textbook iron discipline!
The crowd does the wave for Jesus Christ! Messiah pride!
This global icon Kobe Bryant motivates the squad in the huddle! Natural leader!
Kyrie Irving, this versatile guy, is on a mission! Nothing can stop this established star right now!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, points to the crowd! A bench mob celebration! This was for the fans!
Jesus Christ grabs the arena mic and screams. Just a scream. Victor Wembanyama applauds. I tried to take a selfie with the court in the background. My thumb is over the lens. Alright, good night! Up next: 'Planet Earth: Exploring the World from My Couch.' Immersive documentary.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
90-109 (L)
Jesus Christ huddles with the team! Huddling up, the messiah strategizes!
Jesus Christ can't find the range! Their bare hands has better accuracy than that!
Jesus Christ throws it away! A pass worse than a messiah tossing the game!
Kyrie Irving, this combo guard, lets the shooter get free in transition! Costly lapse!
This potential GOAT Kobe Bryant is automatic facing the rim! A thunderous slam drops again!
Break! Kyrie Irving takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Kyrie Irving failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Victor Wembanyama dishes and kicks the stanchion! This established player losing composure!
A two-handed slam from Kobe Bryant sails wide! This living legend needs to regroup!
This dude putting the league on notice Victor Wembanyama adjusts the angle mid-drive! Nerves of steel body control!
Jesus Christ labors up the court! Trudging like a messiah dragging the game!
This established star Kyrie Irving tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Jesus Christ avoids the cameras like the plague. Jesus Christ gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. While you were watching the game, I was desperately searching for my pen. Still haven't found it. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
120-88 (W)
This household name Kobe Bryant gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!
Kobe Bryant knocks down a reverse layup along the baseline! Ice in the veins!
Jesus Christ leads the break! Leading the charge like a messiah who runs the show!
What a play by Kyrie Irving! A devastating dunk back to the basket! This jersey-selling name is cooking!
This jersey-selling name Kyrie Irving forces the bad pass! A killer instinct creating turnovers!
Well-deserved break. Kobe Bryant looks like someone who just ran a marathon. Small detail: Kobe Bryant wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This big-name player Kyrie Irving converts from the left corner! A reverse layup right on cue!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, waves to the crowd early! The outcome settled!
Kobe Bryant crosses over and the headband falls apart! Wardrobe malfunction!
Jesus Christ pumps their fist! The fist that grips their bare hands all day!
Kyrie Irving, this smooth operator, takes the final bow! A chest bump! Dominant display!
Kobe Bryant and Jesus Christ carry Kyrie Irving like a trophy across the entire court. Tonight I had a revelation: Kyrie Irving runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. See you at the next game. In the meantime: 'MasterClass: How to Fold a Fitted Sheet.' Gripping television.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
97-112 (L)
Game time! Victor Wembanyama and this dude putting the league on notice ready to put on a show at the gymnasium!
Jesus Christ takes off but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!
Kyrie Irving throws it into the stands! What was that from this elite player!
Victor Wembanyama lunges the wrong direction! Fake had this guy with a proven track record fooled!
An off-balance shot from Kobe Bryant from way beyond the arc! That's a certified bucket-getter!
Break! Kyrie Irving takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Juicy intel: Kyrie Irving turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, throws the hands up! Exasperated from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ can't buy a bucket! Maybe the game would be easier to aim!
This legit talent Victor Wembanyama recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Kyrie Irving, this big-name player, is dragging! The allotted time minutes taking their toll!
Victor Wembanyama sits alone on the bench. This dude putting the league on notice processing the defeat.
Kobe Bryant taps the tunnel wall as if trying to pass through it. Kyrie Irving walks through the door without pushing it. During the game, I counted how many times I said 'incredible.' Seventeen. A personal record. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
94-104 (L)
This headliner Kyrie Irving means business! Fast start at half court!
Victor Wembanyama, this beanpole, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Shaky emotions under pressure!
This undisputed superstar Kobe Bryant commits the 5-second violation! Clock management lack of consistency!
Jesus Christ caught flat-footed! Standing still, the messiah reflexes took a nap!
Kyrie Irving strings together a thunderous slam under the basket. Pure God-given talent on full display!
Both teams head to the locker room. Kobe Bryant wipes his forehead with his jersey. They say Kobe Bryant eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Victor Wembanyama picks up the second technical! This guy with a proven track record ejected! Occasional mental lapses!
Kyrie Irving explodes the basketball awkwardly! The touch just isn't there for this reliable star!
Jesus Christ manages the clock! Time management of a messiah who never misses a deadline!
Jesus Christ is running on fumes! The messiah tank is completely empty!
This jersey-selling name Kyrie Irving congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this jersey-selling name.
Victor Wembanyama pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. Jesus Christ takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Fun fact: my driver has been waiting in the parking lot for an hour. He's sent me 14 messages. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
98-125 (L)
Kyrie Irving, this solid build, is introduced and the arena explodes! This big-name player is in the building!
Kobe Bryant penetrates the ball right into the defender's hands! Injury-prone body!
Kobe Bryant attacks the damn ball right to the defense! Costly mistake by this guy with rings on every finger!
Kobe Bryant turns the head and loses the man! This absolute legend napping defensively!
Kobe Bryant, this 7-footer, takes over from the left corner. A buzzer beater! That's elite!
Heading in. Jesus Christ's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. I've been told Jesus Christ once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Victor Wembanyama, this titan, can't get a hook shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Kyrie Irving, this do-it-all player, uses the jab step to freeze the defender! Crafty!
This jersey-selling name Kyrie Irving can barely get up the court! Fatigue setting in!
This player on the come-up Victor Wembanyama shakes hands and moves on. In the end, tendency to rush proved costly.
Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. Did you know that Jesus Christ practices messiah on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
Season Journal
Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!
Okay, we need to talk about the monster. Because there are players, and then there's Victor Wembanyama. It's not the same category, it's not even the same damn sport. Standing at 224 cm, with footwork like a ballet dancer and a jumper purer than spring water. The kind of guy who drops 35 in three quarters, sits down on the bench in the fourth because he's bored, and pulls out his phone to check his stats on the Jumbotron. He's not a player, he's a statistical anomaly.
The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Jesus Christ. Profession? Messiah. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
Budget: unlimited. Well technically there's a limit, but the owner decided to ignore it. We're in repeater tax territory, where every extra dollar of payroll costs FIVE dollars in penalties. The front office sweats with every new contract, the accountant has quit three times this year, but the owner keeps signing checks. The result? An absolute dream roster, the kind of team you build in NBA 2K when you turn on cheat mode. The downside? Zero flexibility. No first-round Draft picks, no free agent signings, no wiggle room whatsoever. It's all or nothing. And tonight, it's gonna be all.
My Team ends the season #8 with a 7W-8L record. Season MVP: Victor Wembanyama.
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