The retards — basketball_team 🇬🇧
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Denver Horse-Track | 10 | 5 | 20 |
| 7 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Phoenix No-Defense | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | The retards | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... The retards! Now let's talk about the woman who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Bonnie Blue. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 163 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This woman doesn't walk, she glides. She doesn't jump, she launches into orbit. And when she locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face. The worst part? Her ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in her hands... And she flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. She's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If she sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, she's on a mission, and believe me, she didn't show up to mess around. Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Johnny Sins. Profession? Tv host. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn. The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
75-120 (L)
The game begins and Johnny Sins is ready! You can see a gym-rat work ethic written all over his face!
Adolf Hitler, this undisputed superstar, pulls the trigger driving to the hoop but no luck!
Rubeus Hagrid with a wild pass that sails out! This hungry young player giving it away!
Bonnie Blue scrambles but can't close out! Open look given up! Defense that's basically a suggestion!
Johnny Sins mouths off at right from the tip-off! A tv host venting about the game!
Halftime whistle. Adolf Hitler flops into the first available chair. Rumor has it Adolf Hitler does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Johnny Sins goes to work the rock but it won't fall! Cold streak continues!
This dark horse Rubeus Hagrid calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Heavy feet taking its toll!
Adolf Hitler throws it away! A pass worse than a soldier tossing the front line!
Rubeus Hagrid, this player nobody saw coming, refuses to high-five! Ego the size of Texas hurting the chemistry!
Bonnie Blue wipes a tear! A tv host who poured everything into the effort!
Adolf Hitler's complexion is grey. Bonnie Blue's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
96-121 (L)
Johnny Sins, this low-to-the-ground speedster, takes the court! The cathedral silence is electric!
Adolf Hitler can't find the range! Their service rifle has better accuracy than that!
Johnny Sins goes to work into a dead end along the baseline! Turnover! Injury-prone body!
Bonnie Blue gets blown by! Even a tv host couldn't stop that!
Rubeus Hagrid takes off the Spalding beautifully for a free throw! What touch!
Halftime whistle! Johnny Sins grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Johnny Sins once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
Eric Cartman, this versatile guy, sits down hard on the bench! Tendency to force bad shots written all over his face!
Johnny Sins, this compact dynamo, can't get a tear drop to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
Eric Cartman communicates the switch! Clear as a deceiver's instructions!
Eric Cartman dunks a step slower than usual! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the tank!
Adolf Hitler sits on the bench post-game! Sitting like a soldier after their service rifle broke!
Rubeus Hagrid bites his lip, fists clenched. Eric Cartman shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Good evening! Up next: 'Criminal Minds: Finding the Colleague Who Steals Yogurt from the Fridge.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
78-116 (L)
Johnny Sins stretches center court! Loosening up, the tv host is getting ready!
Bonnie Blue rattles it out! Shaking the palace of hoops with their bare hands intensity!
Bonnie Blue throws it into the stands! What was that from this guy nobody was talking about!
Adolf Hitler overcommits! Going all-in like a soldier on the front line, but wrong!
Johnny Sins mouths off and picks up a T! Defense that's basically a suggestion taking over!
Halftime! Adolf Hitler checks his stats on the board and winces. Did you know Adolf Hitler plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. Tipoff! The ref blows the whistle, the ball is in the air.
Johnny Sins launches and misses! The basketball isn't the game, and it shows!
Rubeus Hagrid, this all-around player, looks exhausted driving to the hoop! The legs are gone!
Bonnie Blue with the errant pass! This guy nobody was talking about needs to settle down!
Johnny Sins attacks the towel! This seasoned vet showing ego the size of Texas!
Bonnie Blue walks the tunnel in silence! Done for the night, back to tv host life tomorrow!
Johnny Sins mutters 'damn' under his breath. Rubeus Hagrid says 'yeah' in the same tone. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Good night everyone! Coming up: 'Boot Camp: Supermarket Checkout Line Edition.' Discipline.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
89-104 (L)
Johnny Sins opens with a floater! This dude putting the league on notice making an early statement!
This undisputed superstar Adolf Hitler puts up a pull-up jumper but it won't fall! Off night!
Bonnie Blue dribbles it off their foot! Their bare hands would never betray a tv host like that!
Adolf Hitler gets posterized! A soldier framed by their service rifle in the worst way!
What a play by Rubeus Hagrid! A devastating dunk along the baseline! This surprise package is cooking!
Finally a breather. Eric Cartman has calf cramps, the physio rushes over. Did you know Eric Cartman started basketball because he was terrible at soccer? Sometimes failure leads to greatness. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Johnny Sins gets a technical for complaining! Hot head on full display!
Bonnie Blue launches from deep and misses! A tv host's range doesn't apply here!
This surprise package Rubeus Hagrid adjusts at halftime and comes out sharp! Adaptation!
This first-ballot legend Adolf Hitler stumbles! The fatigue is real after the allotted time!
Bonnie Blue gave it everything! Everything a tv host has, left on the court!
Johnny Sins's lip is trembling. Bonnie Blue dodges the cameras by pulling up her hood. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. Off to bed! And now: 'Jeopardy: Cafeteria Trivia Edition.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
77-122 (L)
This up-and-coming baller Johnny Sins means business! Fast start from mid-range!
Eric Cartman, this tweener, bobbles the orange and the chance evaporates from the right corner!
Johnny Sins loses the Spalding! A tv host would never be this careless!
Rubeus Hagrid gambles for the steal and pays the price! Ego the size of Texas!
Johnny Sins throws their hands up! Like a tv host when their bare hands breaks!
Back to the locker room. Rubeus Hagrid's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Anecdote: Rubeus Hagrid slipped on a banana peel during practice. The videos leaked. The internet never forgets. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Adolf Hitler fires a layup on the low block but can't connect! Hot head showing!
Johnny Sins tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a tv host's energy for the game!
Adolf Hitler, this short king, gets called for the carry! Occasional mental lapses in ball-handling!
Adolf Hitler can't mask the disappointment! This potential GOAT wearing it on the sleeve!
This newcomer Rubeus Hagrid congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this newcomer.
Eric Cartman whispers 'this can't be real' under his breath. Johnny Sins nods without conviction. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
82-120 (L)
Adolf Hitler sets the tone early! The soldier came to play tonight!
Johnny Sins misses the open look! A tv host never misses the game... But misses the ball!
Adolf Hitler steps back the Wilson right to the defense! Costly mistake by this all-time great!
Rubeus Hagrid, this combo guard, gets blown by on the perimeter! Heavy feet in the legs!
Adolf Hitler buries their face! Hidden from view, the soldier can't watch!
Break. Bonnie Blue collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. Physio's confession: Bonnie Blue purrs when you massage her calves. Like a cat. A big cat. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
Air ball from Johnny Sins! Being a tv host doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Johnny Sins finds a second wind! The tv host engine roars back to life!
Adolf Hitler forces the pass! Forcing their service rifle where it doesn't fit!
Rubeus Hagrid mutters to himself walking back! This potential breakout star fighting inner demons!
Johnny Sins walks off in defeat! Even a tv host's skills couldn't save tonight!
Bonnie Blue walks like someone carrying the weight of the world. Eric Cartman drags one foot after the other. Your commentator survived one game, four coffees, and a sandwich of questionable date. Good night everyone! And now, the show nobody asked for: 'Pigeon Hunters.'
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
80-124 (L)
Bonnie Blue attacks with energy from the opening whistle! This hungry young player locked in!
Eric Cartman misses! Even a deceiver can't fix that shot!
Adolf Hitler, this undersized dog, gets stripped back to the basket! Occasional mental lapses exposed!
Bonnie Blue reacts too late to rotate! Limited stamina on the help side!
Rubeus Hagrid pulls up angrily after the turnover! This raw talent spiraling!
Heading in. Bonnie Blue's eyes are bloodshot from sheer effort. Anecdote: Bonnie Blue fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
A bucket from Eric Cartman catches the back rim and pops out! So close!
Adolf Hitler is gassed! More tired than after a full day of defending the front line!
Bonnie Blue loses possession! The game never leaves a tv host's hands like that!
Johnny Sins glares at the leather! Like it personally betrayed this tv host!
Adolf Hitler leaves the gymnasium quietly! Quiet as a soldier after the front line setback!
Johnny Sins stares at the floor while Eric Cartman mutters something inaudible under his breath. Tonight I had a revelation: Eric Cartman runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. That was beautiful. And now: 'House Hunters International: 90-Square-Foot Studio, Wall View.' A steal.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
88-132 (L)
Eric Cartman gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a deceiver on day one!
Johnny Sins can't get it to fall! Gravity treats the basketball differently than the game!
This newcomer Rubeus Hagrid with turnover number lengths ahead! Lack of consistency is piling up!
This rising star Rubeus Hagrid bites on the fake! Beaten facing the rim!
This league veteran Johnny Sins shakes the head in disbelief! Nothing going right!
Break! Johnny Sins has left a puddle of sweat at every step through the tunnel. They say Johnny Sins eats honey straight from the jar during timeouts. The bear of the hardwood. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Eric Cartman can't score in the second half! This deceiver is way off tonight!
Rubeus Hagrid short-arms the shot from fatigue! This surprise package has nothing left!
Eric Cartman, this smooth operator, gets the ball poked away! Lack of consistency when protecting the orange!
Adolf Hitler pounds the scorer's table! Frustrated! The soldier in them is showing!
Eric Cartman, this solid build, trudges off the venue. Lessons to take from this one.
Bonnie Blue collapses into the first available chair. Johnny Sins stays standing, eyes glazed over. Tonight I lost my voice, rediscovered my passion, and forgot where I parked. A complete evening. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'American Idol: Accountant Edition.' Singing, dancing, and spreadsheets.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
81-110 (L)
Adolf Hitler lands the first thunderous slam! First blood! The soldier strikes first!
Adolf Hitler, this little thunder, gets the look but can't convert in the paint!
Johnny Sins dispossessed! Couldn't hold on, not the tv host's finest moment!
Johnny Sins gets burned on the switch! Hotter than a tv host's worst day on the job!
This newcomer Eric Cartman fouls hard out of frustration! Tendency to force bad shots showing!
Break! Adolf Hitler rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Intel: Adolf Hitler refuses to play if the ball isn't inflated to exactly 8 PSI. Not 7.9, not 8.1. Eight. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
This surprise package Rubeus Hagrid shanks a double-clutch layup driving to the hoop! That's uncharacteristic!
Bonnie Blue gulps water! As thirsty as a tv host reaching for the game!
Turnover by Johnny Sins! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Eric Cartman shakes their head! A deceiver who can't believe that just happened!
Rubeus Hagrid drives to the tunnel in disappointment. This dude out of nowhere will learn from this.
Adolf Hitler hurls his water bottle at the wall. Bonnie Blue flinches but doesn't react. Tonight I had a revelation: Bonnie Blue runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
89-133 (L)
Adolf Hitler, this generational talent, embraces the wild stands! Game on!
Brick! Eric Cartman misfires from the left corner! Ego the size of Texas at the worst time!
Eric Cartman with the travel! Footwork confusion worthy of a lost deceiver!
Rubeus Hagrid bites on the pump fake! This hidden prospect sent flying off the pick and roll!
This who-is-this-guy player Rubeus Hagrid stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Halftime whistle. Eric Cartman high-fives his teammates on the way out. Bus driver's confession: Eric Cartman raps gibberish during road trips. Loudly. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
Bonnie Blue can't convert! The tv host's touch with the game deserted them!
Adolf Hitler is gassed! This global icon bent over at half court! Lack of consistency catching up!
Bonnie Blue, this small but mighty player, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted driving to the hoop!
Rubeus Hagrid glares at the scoreboard! This unknown gem not happy with the situation!
Adolf Hitler shakes hands through the pain! A soldier who respects their service rifle and the game!
Johnny Sins scratches the back of his neck nervously. Rubeus Hagrid has the look of someone who has seen things. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
87-131 (L)
Adolf Hitler checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Rubeus Hagrid forces a reverse layup from mid-range! This hidden prospect trying too hard!
Rubeus Hagrid, this smooth operator, steps out of bounds with the orange! Mental lapse!
Johnny Sins gets caught flat-footed! This respected competitor beaten to the spot!
Adolf Hitler slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a soldier hits the workbench!
Halftime whistle! Rubeus Hagrid grabs a towel and collapses on the bench. Anecdote: Rubeus Hagrid once wore his jersey inside out for the entire first quarter. Nobody dared say anything. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.
Rubeus Hagrid, this versatile guy, gets stuffed trying a sky hook! Denied!
Eric Cartman plays through exhaustion! The endurance of deceiving the trusting mark daily!
Adolf Hitler attacks carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Johnny Sins, this elusive guard, pounds the scorer's table! Injury-prone body on full display!
This dude putting the league on notice Johnny Sins tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Eric Cartman bites his lip, fists clenched. Johnny Sins shakes his head slowly, in disbelief. Evening confession: I'm wearing Eric Cartman's jersey under my shirt. For morale. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
84-124 (L)
This raw talent Bonnie Blue comes out aggressive! Opens with an alley-oop along the baseline!
Adolf Hitler misfires in the paint! Even this undisputed superstar has off nights!
Eric Cartman gets picked! A deceiver getting the trusting mark stolen in broad daylight!
Bonnie Blue gives up the back door! Heavy feet when overplaying!
Rubeus Hagrid storms to the bench! This dude out of nowhere is visibly upset!
The players disappear. Adolf Hitler has a makeshift neck brace out of a towel. Quick anecdote about Adolf Hitler: apparently he eats pasta with ketchup before every game. To each their own ritual. The players jog toward the court. The air is electric.
Rubeus Hagrid shoots but overcooks it! Occasional mental lapses showing up again!
Johnny Sins asks for the ball to slow the pace! This established player needs air!
Eric Cartman coughs it up! A deceiver's grip doesn't work on the Spalding!
Rubeus Hagrid, this dark horse, yells at the coaching staff! Limited stamina causing friction!
Adolf Hitler refuses to make excuses! A soldier owns the front line failures too!
Adolf Hitler sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Bonnie Blue winces. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Until next time! Up next: 'Life Unplugged: A Day Without WiFi.' A shocking documentary.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
89-133 (L)
Johnny Sins drives into position! This player on the come-up not wasting any time!
Adolf Hitler can't buy a bucket! Maybe the front line would be easier to aim!
This absolute legend Adolf Hitler commits the 5-second violation! Clock management sometimes predictable game!
Eric Cartman beaten off the dribble! Quicker than the trusting mark slipping from a deceiver!
Rubeus Hagrid, this who-is-this-guy player, with the frustrated foul! Limited stamina in tough moments!
The locker room fills up. Rubeus Hagrid has already eaten three oranges. Fun fact: Rubeus Hagrid was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. There they are. The coach must have found the right words.
A pull-up jumper from Adolf Hitler hits the iron! Occasional mental lapses under the spotlight!
Johnny Sins drags their feet! Heavy as their bare hands at the end of a shift!
Intercepted! Adolf Hitler's pass snatched right out of the air! A soldier would never be that careless!
Rubeus Hagrid drives and kicks the stanchion! This potential breakout star losing composure!
Adolf Hitler fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the soldier gave everything!
Eric Cartman walks toward the tunnel without a word. Johnny Sins stares at the scoreboard as if it might change. Confession: I bet against my favorite team tonight. Superstition. It works half the time. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
79-124 (L)
And we're underway! Johnny Sins touches the orange first! This next-level player looks eager!
Johnny Sins skips it off the rim! The game has better hop than that!
Bonnie Blue with the careless pass! Competing the game with more care, please!
Eric Cartman gets burned on the drive! Tendency to force bad shots in lateral movement!
Johnny Sins argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Halftime whistle. Adolf Hitler has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Locker room anecdote: Adolf Hitler talks to a sock called 'Assistant Coach.' We don't judge. Both teams retake the hardwood. Everything is still up for grabs.
Adolf Hitler misses badly! Should have aimed like they aim their service rifle at the front line!
Adolf Hitler looks to the bench for relief! Relief like a soldier relieved of their service rifle!
Bonnie Blue commits the live-ball turnover! Their bare hands would be ashamed!
This hidden prospect Bonnie Blue can't believe the call! Arguing with the ref!
Johnny Sins hangs their head! A tv host who gave everything they had!
Eric Cartman's eyes are glassy. Adolf Hitler mumbles 'we'll get them next time' without believing it. During the break, I tried to juggle three balls. My cameraman filmed everything. It'll come out someday. See you tomorrow! Up next: 'Extreme Reading: The Terms and Conditions.' 4-hour special.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
90-134 (L)
This dude out of nowhere Bonnie Blue comes out firing! A reverse layup in the first minute!
Eric Cartman clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their forged papers hitting the trusting mark!
This player nobody saw coming Eric Cartman forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Johnny Sins, this undersized dog, gets dunked on at half court! Poster material!
This unknown gem Rubeus Hagrid hangs the head after the miss! Deflated from mid-range!
Cut! Halftime. Rubeus Hagrid's jersey is completely drenched in sweat. Fun fact: Rubeus Hagrid tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The arena lights up, the players are back. Game on.
Rubeus Hagrid, this smooth operator, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this dude out of nowhere!
Rubeus Hagrid, this hidden prospect, is dragging! The 4 periods of 12 minutes minutes taking their toll!
Eric Cartman, this smooth operator, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!
Rubeus Hagrid pulls up away from the huddle! This player nobody saw coming in a dark place mentally!
Johnny Sins looks at the scoreboard one last time! Numbers don't lie for a tv host!
Adolf Hitler turns back to look at the court one last time. Bonnie Blue doesn't turn around. Tonight I learned Adolf Hitler used to be a soldier before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Thanks for watching this game. And now: 'Deal or No Deal: Office Fridge Edition.'
The retards finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bonnie Blue.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. Ladies and gentlemen... The retards!
Now let's talk about the woman who moves jerseys faster than hot dogs at the concession stand. Bonnie Blue. Just the name sends chills through the building. Standing at 163 cm, arms that cover half the court, and a basketball IQ so fast that defenders feel like they're playing in slow motion. This woman doesn't walk, she glides. She doesn't jump, she launches into orbit. And when she locks eyes with you before a free throw, you feel like YOU'RE the one about to catch the ball in your face.
The worst part? Her ice-cold composure. The clock shows 0.8 seconds, the whole building is holding its breath, the ball is burning in her hands... And she flashes a little smirk before draining the game-winner with sickening ease. She's the engine, the brain, and the heartbeat of that locker room. If she sneezes, the whole damn franchise catches a cold. Tonight, she's on a mission, and believe me, she didn't show up to mess around.
Hold on tight because the next name is going to make you spit out your beer: Johnny Sins. Profession? Tv host. Yeah. The coach saw him on TV, called his agent (who didn't exist), and offered him a ten-day contract "to see." The guy showed up with bare hands, a ham sandwich, and bulletproof enthusiasm. At his first practice, he attempted a dunk and ended up hanging from the net like a cat stuck in a tree. The fire department came. Twice. But he's got heart, the man, and apparently the precision he puts into the game could translate to mid-range shooting. We believe. Well, the coach believes. The rest of us broke out the popcorn.
The budget? Look, I've seen GoFundMe campaigns with more money. We're below the salary floor, which means the league is literally going to HAND them cash to hit the legal minimum. It's embarrassing, but it's also a plan: tank hard, finish last, snag the first overall pick, and rebuild. The problem is they've been tanking for three years and never landed the top pick. Bad luck has a name, and it's this damn franchise.
The retards finishes #16 (0W-15L). Better luck next season! MVP: Bonnie Blue.
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