My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | My Team | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 3 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 8 | New York Over-Timers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 15 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby! There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face. You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance. Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Donald Trump, his brother-in-law and a film producer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their loaded checkbook and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Donald Trump can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the risky picture to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench. The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
120-104 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal takes the floor with that look in his eyes! He came to play tonight!
Donald Trump, this absolute legend, absolutely nails a bank shot on the low block! Take a bow!
LeBron James, this giant, recovers and contests! Never-give-up effort fueled by scary good handles!
Donald Trump with the touch pass! This living legend barely had the pill and found the man!
Donald Trump executes the delay! Patient as a film producer waiting for their loaded checkbook results!
First half is done. Drake is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Little scoop: Drake tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back on the court. The crowd greets them with a standing ovation.
This household name LeBron James with a cold-blooded fadeaway jumper! No conscience!
This basketball god Drake silences the hostile crowd! A packed arena shifts!
Shaquille O'Neal, this towering presence, sets the perfect screen! Natural-born leadership for the team!
This next-level player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander channels the inner champion! Insane court vision at its peak!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal is all smiles! The stats back up the brilliance!
Donald Trump jumps into Shai Gilgeous-Alexander's arms without warning. They both go down. I got a text from Donald Trump after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
128-83 (W)
Shaquille O'Neal launches onto the floor! The crowd roars for this living legend!
Donald Trump with the step-back step-back three! Creating space like a film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander whips the pass cross-court! Assist! This big fella seeing everything!
A pull-up jumper from Drake! That's a killer instinct at the highest level!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the chase-down left-handed block! What athleticism!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! Shaquille O'Neal walks head down toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Shaquille O'Neal fell asleep on the bench during an exhibition game. Still got named MVP. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Shaquille O'Neal attacks from the right corner and finishes with a euro-step! Too good!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal shows no sympathy! A double-clutch layup extends the massacre!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James forgets the play call! Looking at the bench confused!
LeBron James penetrates and celebrates! A bench mob celebration under the basket! The crowd erupts!
Shaquille O'Neal, this once-in-a-lifetime player, soaks in the moment! Victory back to the basket! A victory dance!
Shaquille O'Neal and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander freestyle a victory rap. Donald Trump does the beatbox. It's terrible but magnificent. Behind the scenes, I learned Donald Trump was also a movie actor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
130-89 (W)
Donald Trump gets the starting nod! A film producer starting with their loaded checkbook confidence!
Donald Trump, this solid build, elevates for a monster bucket!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander threads the needle! Beautiful assist from way beyond the arc! Unreal court vision!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander rises up and fires a euro-step! This titan lighting it up!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this titan, locks down the attacker! A killer instinct on the defensive end!
Off to the locker room. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has already drained two water bottles. Did you know Shai Gilgeous-Alexander keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
LeBron James, this hall-of-fame lock, exploits the mismatch for a two-handed slam! Too easy!
Donald Trump makes it a laugher! Laughing like a film producer laughing at easy the risky picture!
Drake fades away and bumps into the mascot on the sideline! Entertainment!
Drake silences the away crowd! Ice-cold a chest bump! Love it!
This all-time great Donald Trump seals the deal! Victory with eyes in the back of the head!
Donald Trump and LeBron James act out a movie scene where they reunite in slow motion. The crowd is dying. Yours truly survived this game without losing his voice. It was touch and go. Thanks everyone! And now: 'Keeping Up with the Kardashians: Season 312.' They will never stop.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
123-78 (W)
LeBron James looks dialed in from the start! Natural-born leadership preparation showing!
Donald Trump lets fly to the rack for a layup! Can't contain this tweener!
Shaquille O'Neal crosses over and dishes! Gorgeous feed from mid-range! Nerves of steel!
LeBron James buries a bank shot in the paint! This guy with rings on every finger is on fire tonight!
Drake picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure movie actor reflexes!
Halftime. LeBron James glances at his phone for two seconds and puts it back. Little scoop: LeBron James tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this next-level player, drops an off-balance shot facing the rim! Pure artistry!
Drake lets fly with confidence! The game is well in hand for this household name!
Drake rises up and the leather goes into the stands! Free souvenir!
LeBron James blows a kiss to the fans! Cool as you like, a team high-five!
Shaquille O'Neal hugs the coach! This certified GOAT candidate with a complete performance!
Donald Trump mimes popping a champagne bottle. LeBron James mimes chugging straight from it. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. Sleep tight! Coming up: 'Forensic Files: Who Finished the Milk Without Telling Anyone.'
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
125-89 (W)
Tip-off! Shaquille O'Neal gets us started! Let's go!
This well-respected player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander converts on the low block! A devastating dunk right on cue!
This living legend LeBron James with the one-handed bullet pass! Right on the money!
This once-in-a-lifetime player Shaquille O'Neal punishes the defense with a catch-and-shoot triple on the low block!
LeBron James shuts the door in transition! That's how you play defense!
Break. Shaquille O'Neal's socks are soaking wet — quick change on the spot. I've been told Shaquille O'Neal once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.
Drake converts with authority! Same energy they bring to portraying the film character!
Drake, this all-around player, caps off a dominant performance! Insane court vision from start to finish!
LeBron James dribbles off the foot and into the front row! This basketball god oops!
This hall-of-fame lock Shaquille O'Neal raises the arms in triumph! A bench mob celebration! The crowd follows!
Drake celebrates at the final buzzer! Celebration worthy of the script binder!
LeBron James and Shaquille O'Neal leap onto each other like kids. Drake comes sprinting in and crushes them both. My evening in one word? Epic. In two words? Epic and loud. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
135-89 (W)
Game time! LeBron James and this living legend ready to put on a show at the floor!
What a shot from Donald Trump! A film producer bringing their loaded checkbook energy to the court!
Shaquille O'Neal with the outlet pass! Coast-to-coast assist! Eyes in the back of the head on that one!
Drake drains it! Emptying the tank like a movie actor on double shift!
Shaquille O'Neal picks the pocket of the ball handler! Straight robbery!
The players file out. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander exchanges a tense look with the coach. Rumor has it Shai Gilgeous-Alexander talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. We pick up right where we left off. Time to play.
Drake with another thunderous slam! You can't stop this man!
Drake dishes without breaking a sweat! This guy with rings on every finger cruise control!
This player on the come-up Shai Gilgeous-Alexander passes to the opponent! Gift exchange driving to the hoop!
LeBron James slides across the floor! A fist pump toward the bench at half court! Entertainment!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander explodes in triumph! The final buzzer sounds! That's a W!
Drake hugs the mascot. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander hugs the referee. Awkward. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
118-88 (W)
Donald Trump, this living legend, embraces the boiling cauldron! Game on!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal is automatic in transition! A sky hook drops again!
Drake anticipates perfectly! A movie actor who always sees it coming!
Donald Trump generates another look! Creative vision worthy of a film producer!
This respected competitor Shai Gilgeous-Alexander switches defensive assignments on the fly! An off-the-charts basketball IQ!
Halftime whistle. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander flops into the first available chair. Fun fact: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander rises up the rock with flair and hits a pull-up jumper! Sensational!
The crowd is on its feet! A standing ovation as LeBron James takes the court!
Drake barks out defensive calls! The voice of the script binder echoes across the floor!
The arc of this game bends toward LeBron James! This living legend controlling destiny!
This seasoned vet Shai Gilgeous-Alexander wraps up a sensational performance! Victory is sweet!
Drake slides across the court in his socks while Shaquille O'Neal splashes water on everyone. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
129-90 (W)
And we're underway! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander touches the Spalding first! This solid pro looks eager!
Donald Trump punishes the defense! A film producer punishing the risky picture with precision!
Shaquille O'Neal, this global icon, sets the table under the basket! Assist master!
Donald Trump knocks down an off-balance shot from mid-range! Ice in the veins!
Shaquille O'Neal anticipates the cut and deflects the pill! This undisputed superstar reading minds!
The players disappear into the tunnel. Drake asks for an ice pack. Little secret: Drake watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.
Shaquille O'Neal, this franchise cornerstone, sinks a deep three with surgical precision from mid-range!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this player making noise, wraps it up with a flourish! Total destruction!
Drake high-fived a teammate with the script binder still in hand! Ouch!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this mammoth, gets the crowd on their feet! A chest bump! Electric!
LeBron James penetrates the trophy! This franchise cornerstone adds to the collection! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!
Drake and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Drake loses. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
99-111 (L)
Drake lands the first tear drop! First blood! The movie actor strikes first!
Drake launches a bank shot and... Airball! Tendency to force bad shots at its peak!
LeBron James, this towering presence, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted in the paint!
This franchise cornerstone Shaquille O'Neal commits the and-one foul! Tendency to force bad shots in positioning!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the smooth floater! This guy with a proven track record making it look easy!
That's a cut. Shaquille O'Neal stumbles slightly reaching the locker room. Fun fact: Shaquille O'Neal blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Let's go, we're back. The crowd claps in rhythm.
Drake buries their face! Hidden from view, the movie actor can't watch!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander misses the open look! This well-respected player can't believe it! Hot head!
LeBron James, this global icon, times the cut perfectly! Backdoor for a reverse layup!
Donald Trump drags their feet! Heavy as their loaded checkbook at the end of a shift!
This generational talent Drake stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this generational talent wanted.
Donald Trump sighs so loudly that the reporters hear it. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander winces. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. That's it. Up next: 'Anthony Bourdain Visits: The Park-and-Ride in Poughkeepsie.' Culture shock.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
108-103 (W)
Donald Trump steps onto the hardwood! From greenlighting the risky picture to this, game time!
Shaquille O'Neal reads the play and picks off the pass! Transition opportunity!
This potential GOAT Shaquille O'Neal misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!
Donald Trump, this generational talent, unleashes a devastating dunk in transition! Bang!
Drake adjusts the tempo! Controlling the rhythm like a veteran movie actor!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James high-fives his teammates on the way out. Did you know? LeBron James tried to become a rapper before basketball. The world dodged a bullet. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
LeBron James with the biggest play of the game! A floater at half court!
Donald Trump drops into help defense! Always there when you need a film producer!
The crowd chants Donald Trump's name! Immense pressure for the film producer with their loaded checkbook!
Donald Trump refuses to lose! A film producer who never accepts failure!
Donald Trump, this versatile guy, celebrates the win! A victory dance! What a game!
Donald Trump and Drake do the conga. Alone. On an empty court. Nobody joins in. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
110-83 (W)
Drake announces themselves! The movie actor has arrived and the building knows it!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this titan, uses every inch to deliver a sky hook!
Donald Trump, this undisputed superstar, switches seamlessly and locks up! That dawg mentality shining through!
Shaquille O'Neal, this absolute legend, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a fadeaway jumper!
Drake uses that movie actor IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!
Rest. Shaquille O'Neal buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Little scoop: Shaquille O'Neal tried to bribe the DJ to play his song. The DJ agreed. Nobody liked it. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander answers back with a buzzer beater! Freakish explosiveness under pressure!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander dribbles to an eruption! A cathedral silence! What a moment!
This name that's buzzing Shai Gilgeous-Alexander celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!
From their loaded checkbook to a thunderous slam, Donald Trump's range is unmatched!
Shaquille O'Neal can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!
LeBron James launches his shoe into the air. Drake catches it. Standing ovation. I spent the evening looking for a stat that couldn't be found. It didn't exist. I made one up. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
114-104 (W)
This certified GOAT candidate Donald Trump opens the scoring! A scoop layup! Early advantage!
LeBron James takes off through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Donald Trump locks down their opponent! Tight as a film producer gripping their loaded checkbook!
Shaquille O'Neal, this mountain of a man, with the pocket pass! Pure God-given talent in tight spaces!
Shaquille O'Neal, this 7-footer, exploits the mismatch at half court! Smart play!
First half is done. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Intel: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander asked Cleveland Twin-Towers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. Alright, it's time. The second half waits for no one.
Drake, this versatile guy, dominates in the paint and puts up a two-handed slam! Unstoppable!
LeBron James, this tower, gets the standing ovation! An incredible energy!
Drake boxes out for the teammate! Making room like a movie actor with the film character!
Win or lose, Drake has earned respect tonight! This guy with rings on every finger warrior spirit!
That's the game! Shaquille O'Neal finishes with a monster performance! This potential GOAT victorious!
LeBron James and Donald Trump form a tunnel for Drake to crawl through. Too tall. Gets stuck. Fun fact: my sound engineer fell asleep during the second quarter. I woke him with an elbow. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
103-116 (L)
Donald Trump, this smooth operator, announced to huge cheers! A standing ovation!
Donald Trump can't convert the open shot! Greenlighting the risky picture is way easier!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this tower, gets stripped off the pick and roll! Lack of consistency exposed!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal fouls reaching in! Shaky emotions under pressure on defense!
Donald Trump converts a tough buzzer-beater back to the basket! Skill level: elite!
Halftime. LeBron James wolfs down an energy bar in two bites. True story: LeBron James had his parking spot stolen by Boston Ring-Chasers's mascot. Still talks about it. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Drake glares at the scoreboard! This all-time great not happy with the situation!
Donald Trump just barely misses! Close as a film producer getting the risky picture almost right!
This generational talent Shaquille O'Neal sets the back screen! Iron discipline off-ball contribution!
Drake is cramping up! This all-time great trying to shake it off! Ego the size of Texas!
Donald Trump takes the loss hard! Hard as the risky picture on a bad film producer day!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander sits on the bench, staring into nothing. Donald Trump has his head in his hands. I learned tonight that Shai Gilgeous-Alexander used to be a movie actor. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
120-89 (W)
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander opens with a finger roll! This up-and-coming baller making an early statement!
Shaquille O'Neal scores with that dawg mentality. An and-one at the buzzer! Too smooth!
This basketball god Drake reads the play and intercepts! Brilliant anticipation!
LeBron James reads the defense like a book! Assist from way beyond the arc! Night-in night-out consistency!
This global icon Shaquille O'Neal runs the pick-and-pop to perfection! Tactical mastery!
Both teams head to the locker room. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander wipes his forehead with his jersey. Small detail: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back on the hardwood. The tension has gone up a notch.
An and-one from Drake! This basketball god reminding everyone why they're on top!
The jumbotron shows Drake's movie actor highlight reel! What a career!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander takes the blame for the mistake! This league veteran protecting teammates!
This living legend Shaquille O'Neal turns adversity into fuel! A moment of pure magic energy!
Final buzzer! Drake's movie actor shift on the hardwood ends in triumph!
Drake does a cartwheel at center court. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander tries one too and eats it. Did you know that Shai Gilgeous-Alexander practices movie actor on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
99-104 (L)
The game begins and Drake is ready! You can see eyes in the back of the head written all over his face!
This certified GOAT candidate Drake capitalizes back to the basket! A layup with nerves of steel!
Donald Trump can't contain the drive! Greenlighting the risky picture is more containable!
Shaquille O'Neal fires a bucket in the paint but can't connect! Sometimes predictable game showing!
LeBron James hits another! This once-in-a-lifetime player on a personal run at the top of the key!
Break! LeBron James rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Anecdote: LeBron James once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players are back on the court. Here we go again!
This absolute legend Shaquille O'Neal misses the free throws! Defense that's basically a suggestion at the line!
This all-time great Drake slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!
Donald Trump plays with the grit of someone who greenlights the risky picture daily!
This hall-of-fame lock Drake picks up the foul during crunch time! Terrible timing!
Donald Trump walks off in silence. This absolute legend gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Drake's lip is trembling. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander dodges the cameras by pulling up his hood. Behind the scenes, I learned Shai Gilgeous-Alexander was also a movie actor in a past life. You can feel it in the game. That's a wrap! And now, 'The Price Is Right: Why Nobody Answers the Phone Anymore.'
My Team finishes #2, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
Season Journal
Good evening everyone and fasten your seatbelts because tonight we are not doing this gently. The arena is already sweating, the DJ cranked the volume so high the hardwood is vibrating, and there's a guy in the third row who painted his chest in the team colors even though it's freezing outside. That's devotion. That's basketball madness. And the franchise rolling in tonight deserves every decibel of this insane atmosphere. They've been through the hell of winless stretches and the ecstasy of Finals appearances, and honestly, nobody ever knows what they're going to pull off. That's what makes this sport so damn beautiful. The team with no name, baby!
There's one guy on this team who scares the living hell out of everyone. Opponents, coaches, referees, even his own teammates sometimes. That's Shaquille O'Neal. Standing at 216 cm, shoulders like a linebacker, and a touch on the ball so soft it makes you want to cry. This damn player can drop 40 one night, grab 15 boards the next, and slap you with a triple-double night after just because he was bored. The kind of guy you want on your squad and pray you never have to face.
You want to know the difference between a good player and a damn franchise player? It's the fourth quarter. When the legs are burning, when the lungs are begging for mercy, when the scoreboard is taunting you with a tight score, that's when he lights up. Like a diesel engine finally hitting its temperature. The first three quarters are the warm-up. The fourth quarter is his hunting ground. And the prey? It's the teams that thought they had a chance.
Okay, this is either pure genius or a complete mental breakdown, I honestly can't tell yet. The wild card, the stroke of brilliance or insanity depending on how many beers you've had, is that the coach decided to pull a move never before seen in league history: he signed Donald Trump, his brother-in-law and a film producer by trade, on a ten-day contract. The guy showed up to the bench wearing a bucket hat, carrying their loaded checkbook and a cooler, surrounded by 7-foot giants who weigh three times as much. Apparently the coach's theory is that if Donald Trump can place a basketball with the same precision he uses for the risky picture to "bullseye" the opposing center's head, we've got the play of the century. So far, the guy's biggest achievement is attempting a three-pointer with an underhand toss and asking the ref where the jack ball was. It's absolute madness, the fans are split between hysterical laughter and total despair, but one thing's for sure: no one's ever seen a timeout with such a strong smell of beef jerky and cheap beer on the bench.
The budget is simple: it's not a budget anymore, it's a manifesto. The owner said "I don't give a damn about consequences" and he proved it. We're in financial territory that even Adam Silver didn't anticipate when he wrote the rules. Every extra dollar spent costs five dollars in tax, and guess what, they spend WAY too many extra dollars. The roster is an infernal machine, the bench is a thing of beauty, but the price is zero future. No picks, no possible trades, no plan B. It's the championship or a wall at 200 miles per hour. There is no middle ground.
My Team finishes #2, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: Shaquille O'Neal.
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