the sus — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 15 | 0 | 30 |
| 2 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 3 | the sus | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 5 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 11 | 4 | 22 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Denver Horse-Track | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 9 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 10 | Houston Blast-Off | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 11 | Phoenix No-Defense | 7 | 8 | 14 |
| 12 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 13 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 3 | 12 | 6 |
| 14 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | Miami Heart-Attack | 0 | 15 | 0 |
Pre-season
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... The sus! Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight. What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jesus Christ. The man. Is. A messiah. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A messiah. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a messiah and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
85-114 (L)
Iron Man looks dialed in from the start! A gym-rat work ethic preparation showing!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, can't get an off-balance shot to drop! Cold as ice tonight!
This world-class player Stephen Curry with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!
This world-class player Stephen Curry gives up the offensive rebound! Tendency to rush when boxing out!
Iron Man scores again! When you're a superhero by trade, the leather is child's play!
Break! Stephen Curry grabs an ice bag and slaps it on his knee. Anecdote: Stephen Curry lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Back on the floor, faces full of determination.
LeBron James drops the head after another miss! Shaky emotions under pressure sapping the confidence!
Jesus Christ, this potential GOAT, comes up empty! A half-court heave off target along the baseline!
Stephen Curry uses the hesitation dribble! Insane court vision creating separation!
This elite player Stephen Curry has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!
This first-ballot legend Jesus Christ leaves the gym with head held high. Fought to the end.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander looks like someone who hasn't slept in three days. Stephen Curry looks like someone who won't sleep tonight. My evening? I spent it holding back tears. Of joy? Of exhaustion? Both. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
121-76 (W)
Iron Man announces themselves! The superhero has arrived and the building knows it!
Iron Man, this generational talent, unleashes a half-court heave from way beyond the arc! Bang!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander reads the defense like a book! Assist driving to the hoop! Unreal swagger!
This potential GOAT Iron Man with a picture-perfect finger roll! The crowd goes wild!
This established player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the volleyball spike a perfect contest! Emphatic!
Rest time. Iron Man isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. I've been told Iron Man always puts his left shoe on first. The one day he switched, gave up 40 points. Both teams retake the floor. The best may be yet to come.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with an incredible layup from mid-range! Standing ovation!
LeBron James crosses over and it's too easy! The lead is ballooning! Mercy rule!
Iron Man warmed up like they're getting ready for superhero work! Unconventional but effective!
Jesus Christ flexes like they just finished competing the game! What a moment!
Stephen Curry explodes off the court victorious! This big-name player leaves it all out there!
Jesus Christ and LeBron James play rock-paper-scissors to decide who carries the ball. Jesus Christ loses. On my end, I ate three chocolate bars during the timeouts. Sports make you hungry, even in the booth. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
121-85 (W)
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander posts up into position! This guy with a proven track record not wasting any time!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this player making noise, reads the play perfectly and delivers a fadeaway jumper!
Jesus Christ reads the defense! Studying them like it's messiah homework!
Stephen Curry with the tough layup through contact! This franchise guy won't be denied!
Stephen Curry blocks it and keeps it in play! Heads-up play, what awareness!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. They say Jesus Christ has a ritual where he touches the basket post three times. If someone watches, starts over. Back for seconds. The court is shining, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ finishes with flair! Showmanship of a messiah presenting the game!
This potential GOAT Jesus Christ takes a bow! A victory dance! This was clinical!
Iron Man set up a mini game station on the bench! Dedication!
Jesus Christ with the finger wag! No, no, no, a messiah with their bare hands says no!
Iron Man finishes with a monster stat line! Numbers a superhero would be proud of!
Jesus Christ does the robot at center court while Iron Man pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. That's a wrap! And now, the network's masterpiece: 'My Cat, My Battle.' Don't miss the finale.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
108-83 (W)
LeBron James, this mammoth, sets the tone immediately! Unreal swagger from the jump!
This established player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with a cold-blooded reverse layup! No conscience!
Stephen Curry, this versatile guy, blankets the shooter at half court! No daylight!
Stephen Curry, this franchise guy, drives and kicks! Perfect assist for a scoop layup!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this dude putting the league on notice, manages the clock beautifully in the third quarter!
End of the first act. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is puffing like a steam engine heading back. Intel: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
A half-court heave by LeBron James! The crowd erupts! An off-the-charts basketball IQ personified!
A cathedral silence fills the arena! This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry feeds off the energy!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, sets the perfect screen! A killer instinct for the team!
Every time Iron Man touches the Wilson, you see the discipline of their bare hands!
That's the game! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander finishes with a monster performance! This legit talent victorious!
Stephen Curry and Iron Man leap onto each other like kids. LeBron James comes sprinting in and crushes them both. Did you know that Iron Man practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
132-87 (W)
Stephen Curry opens with an off-balance shot! This multi-time All-Star making an early statement!
This living legend LeBron James goes to work facing the rim! A free throw drops beautifully!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this respected competitor, sets the table driving to the hoop! Assist master!
This franchise guy Stephen Curry capitalizes in the paint! An off-balance shot with natural-born leadership!
Jesus Christ times it perfectly and rejects the shot! A commanding rebound driving to the hoop!
Back in the locker room, LeBron James sits down and stares at the ceiling. Little scoop: LeBron James collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Jesus Christ scores a step-back three in a boiling cauldron! Their bare hands vibes radiating across the gym!
LeBron James piles it on! A pull-up jumper extends the lead! No mercy tonight!
This established player Shai Gilgeous-Alexander trash talks then immediately misses! Karma!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this towering presence, chest bumps the teammate! A primal scream! Pure joy!
LeBron James, this household name, soaks in the moment! Victory off the pick and roll! A hug with the coach!
LeBron James does a backflip. Well, he tries. Iron Man applauds the effort. Did you know that Iron Man practices superhero on Tuesdays? Builds character, that does. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
116-84 (W)
This living legend LeBron James catches the basketball early and goes to work! Opening salvo!
Jesus Christ launches through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!
Stephen Curry with the bounce pass! This max-contract guy threading it perfectly!
LeBron James scores with unreal swagger. An alley-oop at the top of the key! Too smooth!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander slides to the passing lane and steals it! Eyes in the back of the head!
Halftime whistle. LeBron James has dried blood on his elbow but plays tough. Little secret: LeBron James watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players emerge from the tunnel. Stern faces, clenched fists.
This up-and-coming baller Shai Gilgeous-Alexander finishes with authority! A hook shot back to the basket!
Iron Man, this short king, is toying with the opposition in transition! Dominant!
Jesus Christ just organized the bench! Can't take the messiah out of them!
Jesus Christ lets out a roar! The emotion is real! A slide across the hardwood!
This franchise cornerstone Jesus Christ seals the deal! Victory with freakish explosiveness!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and Stephen Curry pretend to fish LeBron James out of the crowd. They pull hard. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
116-95 (W)
The game begins and Stephen Curry is ready! You can see scary good handles written all over his face!
Iron Man nails a free throw with the ease of a superhero who competes the game. Natural!
This All-Star caliber talent Stephen Curry with the screen navigation! Gets through and contests!
Stephen Curry, this tweener, with the pocket pass! An unmatched feel for the game in tight spaces!
This franchise cornerstone LeBron James recognizes the zone and attacks the gap! Genius!
Break. The coach is yelling in the tunnel, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander picks up the pace. True story: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Toronto Border-Patrol. Awkward. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
LeBron James, this tree of a man, elevates for a monster alley-oop!
Jesus Christ signs a kid's the game! The messiah meets the next generation!
Jesus Christ chains the plays together! Stringing them like a messiah on a roll!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander has found another gear! This seasoned vet shifting into overdrive!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this league veteran, high-fives the bench! A bench mob celebration! Team effort!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander does a belly slide on the court. LeBron James does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. As for me, I powered through three coffees and a gas station sandwich. The glamorous life of sports journalism. That's all for tonight. And now: 'Deadliest Catch: Rush Hour on the Beltway.' Documentary.
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
123-78 (W)
Stephen Curry attacks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this reliable star!
Jesus Christ rises and fires! Competing the game never felt this athletic!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this name that's buzzing, draws the double and finds the open shooter! Natural-born leadership!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander attacks along the baseline and finishes with a deep three! Too good!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry disrupts the play with a timely drawn charge!
The locker room fills up. Stephen Curry has already eaten three oranges. Small detail: Stephen Curry wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. Back to business. The players bounce around to warm up.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this hooper's hooper, drops a thunderous slam in transition! Pure artistry!
Iron Man pulls up without breaking a sweat! This hall-of-fame lock cruise control!
Jesus Christ, this versatile guy, tries the spin move and gets dizzy! This guy with rings on every finger wobbling!
LeBron James slides across the floor! An ice-cold stare at the opposing bench back to the basket! Entertainment!
Iron Man punches the air at game's end! Victory! The superhero did it!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander does a belly slide on the court. Jesus Christ does a back slide. The hardwood is ruined. I learned tonight that Shai Gilgeous-Alexander used to be a superhero. That explains the unique running style. Thanks for the game! And now, tonight's feature film: 'Fast and Furious 47: The Quest for a Parking Spot.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
121-97 (W)
Tip-off! LeBron James gets us started! Let's go!
Jesus Christ makes it look easy! As easy as a messiah competing the game!
Stephen Curry with the help-side drawn charge! This headliner always in position!
LeBron James, this certified GOAT candidate, surveys and delivers! Iron discipline in the playmaking!
Stephen Curry spaces the floor perfectly! Great read of the system!
Halftime! LeBron James is limping slightly heading off the court. Fun fact: LeBron James was voted best-looking player on the team. By his mom. In a poll she created herself. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander shoots and converts! A buzzer beater driving to the hoop! Money!
Stephen Curry, this big-name player, waves the crowd up! Immense pressure rising!
Stephen Curry, this swiss-army-knife type, boxes out for the teammate! This established star doing the dirty work!
LeBron James fires away with purpose! A killer instinct driving this team forward!
It's over! Iron Man delivers the goods! This franchise cornerstone walks off a winner!
Iron Man and Stephen Curry swing Jesus Christ around by his arms like a carousel. He looks sick. Meanwhile, your favorite commentator spilled coffee on the mixing board. Twice. And now, a brand new episode of 'Desperately Seeking My Cat.' Good night, everyone.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
105-104 (W)
Game time! Shai Gilgeous-Alexander and this respected competitor ready to put on a show at the field house!
Jesus Christ with the full-court pressure! This once-in-a-lifetime player making them uncomfortable!
Iron Man, this undersized spark plug, gets stuffed trying a fadeaway jumper! Denied!
LeBron James, this titan, muscles in for a pull-up jumper! Pure power!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander pushes the pace in transition! Unreal swagger showing in every play!
Buzzer sounds, halftime! LeBron James walks head down toward the tunnel. Did you know LeBron James knits to unwind? Made a scarf in Denver Horse-Track's colors. By accident, obviously. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.
Stephen Curry with the pressure-proof layup in transition! On the final possession!
Stephen Curry slides the feet perfectly and forces a miss! Scary good handles in every step!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander penetrates and the crowd chants the name! Listen to that noise!
Stephen Curry, this world-class player, rises to the occasion! An and-one at half court! Huge!
Jesus Christ caps a perfect night! Clean as a messiah on their best day!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander moonwalks across the hardwood. Iron Man attempts the worm. One of them pulls it off. Your favorite commentator survived. It's not much, but it's honest work. That's it for tonight. Coming up: 'Nailed It: Cakes Ruined by My Mother-in-Law.'
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
113-108 (W)
Jesus Christ locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of a messiah who means business!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, erases the shot at the rim! Rim protector!
This hall-of-fame lock LeBron James muscles up an off-balance shot but can't get it to fall!
Stephen Curry strings together a free throw driving to the hoop. Next-level basketball IQ on full display!
Stephen Curry reads the defense perfectly! Iron discipline and a sky-high basketball IQ!
Back to the locker room. Stephen Curry's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Rumor has it Stephen Curry has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.
Jesus Christ, this absolute legend, orchestrates the last possession! A layup! Perfection!
Iron Man strips the ball cleanly! Veteran move right there!
The arena is electric! This guy everybody knows Stephen Curry thriving in wild stands!
Iron Man with a bucket in the final minute! The superhero's last the game of the day!
What a game for Jesus Christ! Tomorrow's the game will feel easy after this!
Iron Man grabs the PA announcer's mic and shouts Stephen Curry's name. The announcer chases him. I learned that Iron Man's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's a wrap for tonight. Coming up: 'The Amazing Race: Subway Line 13.' Viewer discretion advised.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
100-96 (W)
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this established player, embraces the Playoff atmosphere! Game on!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, this titan, contests everything under the basket! Natural-born leadership on full display!
Stephen Curry goes to work the Wilson right into the defender's hands! Hot head!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander explodes to the rack for a buzzer-beater! Can't contain this oversized freak!
LeBron James sets the screen at the perfect angle! This once-in-a-lifetime player cerebral play!
Halftime! LeBron James has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Did you know LeBron James entered the dunk contest... At 5'9"? Courage knows no height. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.
Iron Man drives and drills it! On the decisive possession! Natural-born leadership under pressure!
Jesus Christ picks off the lob! Intercepting mid-air, pure messiah reflexes!
Shai Gilgeous-Alexander soaks in an electric crowd! This player making noise living for these moments!
LeBron James, this walking skyscraper, scores the go-ahead! A step-back three! Heart of a champion!
Iron Man hugs the coach! The warmth of a superhero who just nailed it!
Iron Man performs an absolutely ridiculous victory dance. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander imitates it. It's worse. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. Good night! And now, 'The Bachelor: Stray Cat Edition.' Who will find love in this dumpster?
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
115-97 (W)
This dude putting the league on notice Shai Gilgeous-Alexander comes out aggressive! Opens with a buzzer-beater from way beyond the arc!
Jesus Christ drives the Spalding with iron discipline. And it drops! Nothing you can do!
Jesus Christ forces the bad shot! Their bare hands intimidation factor!
LeBron James threads the needle! Beautiful assist at the buzzer! Unreal court vision!
This top-tier talent Stephen Curry switches defensive assignments on the fly! Silky smooth technique!
Back to the locker room. LeBron James's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Intel: LeBron James asked Boston Ring-Chasers for their energy drink recipe. They refused. The players are back. The court had time to dry, at least.
This multi-time All-Star Stephen Curry converts off the pick and roll! A pull-up jumper right on cue!
You can cut the tension with a knife! Wild stands as Stephen Curry steps up!
LeBron James makes the extra pass! This potential GOAT hockey assist for a fadeaway jumper!
Stephen Curry, this combo guard, evolves before our eyes! A moment of pure grace!
Jesus Christ tallied double figures! Double the game, double the glory!
Iron Man and Stephen Curry chest bump so hard they each fly back three meters. On my end, I discovered the arena's coffee machine was broken. The game nearly went uncommentated. See you soon. And now: '911: My Cat Climbed on Top of the Wardrobe.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
89-104 (L)
LeBron James, this titan, announced to huge cheers! An electric crowd!
Iron Man rises up and fires but misses everything! Tendency to force bad shots tonight!
LeBron James, this absolute unit, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted under the basket!
Stephen Curry gives up the back door! Limited stamina when overplaying!
Jesus Christ lets fly and scores! Those messiah hands work wonders with the pill!
End of the first act. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander is puffing like a steam engine heading back. True story: Shai Gilgeous-Alexander had his parking spot stolen by San Antonio Skyscrapers's mascot. Still talks about it. Let's go. The arena rumbles, the players answer.
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
LeBron James drives the orange into nothing! Tendency to force bad shots on full display tonight!
Iron Man traps with the double! Trapping them, the superhero knows how to corner prey!
Jesus Christ is spent! Used up like the game after a messiah's long day!
Stephen Curry walks off in silence. This franchise guy gave it all but it wasn't enough.
Iron Man mutters while walking out. Shai Gilgeous-Alexander watches from the corner of his eye, worried. I learned that Iron Man's father was a superhero. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
88-119 (L)
This up-and-coming baller Shai Gilgeous-Alexander comes out firing! A half-court heave in the first minute!
Iron Man can't connect! Their bare hands in hand, sure. The leather through the hoop, nope!
Jesus Christ goes to work into a dead end in the paint! Turnover! Injury-prone body!
This player making noise Shai Gilgeous-Alexander caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
This household name Jesus Christ does it again! A pull-up jumper with effortless precision!
Rest time. Stephen Curry isolates in a corner of the locker room, headphones on. Did you know? Stephen Curry launched a basketball podcast. Two episodes. Zero listeners. Still going. Here we go again. The players have changed jerseys.
LeBron James, this titan, throws the hands up! Exasperated from downtown!
Jesus Christ, this living legend, fumbles the finish from the left corner! Back to the drawing board!
This solid pro Shai Gilgeous-Alexander with the savvy veteran play! Eyes in the back of the head experience showing!
Iron Man is running on fumes! The superhero tank is completely empty!
Stephen Curry sits alone on the bench. This jersey-selling name processing the defeat.
Stephen Curry presses his forehead against the tunnel glass. LeBron James walks right past without noticing. Confession: I nearly fell asleep during the second quarter. The third woke me right up. Good night everyone! Up next: 'Worst Cooks in America: Boiling an Egg Without Breaking It.' Challenge accepted.
the sus finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: LeBron James.
Season Journal
Let's not beat around the bush: tonight is going to be one hell of a show. The arena is packed, the air is unbreathable with tension, and the lights just went out for the pregame laser show. We're talking about a franchise that has weathered every storm: lockouts, star injuries, catastrophic trades, rebuilds that never seemed to end. And they're still here, standing tall, with the same fire in their belly. This club is a survivor. And when survivors bite, they don't let go. Ladies and gentlemen... The sus!
Alright, let's not kid ourselves, if the arena is packed to the gills, it's because of THE phenomenon. This guy isn't just a basketball player, he's a walking cheat code on the hardwood: give it up for LeBron James! Picture this: standing at 206 cm, but he handles the rock with the agility of a 5'10" point guard and launches missiles from 30 feet like he's at shootaround. When he attacks the paint, it's simple, he's a freight train: either you get out of the way, or you end up on his poster doing the rounds on social media for a week straight.
What kills you about this guy is that he makes basketball look easy. You watch him and you think "well yeah, it's simple." And then you realize the defender in front of him is 6'9", runs a 4.4 forty, and he just dropped a step-back in his face like he was dribbling against a traffic cone at practice. It's not ease, it's absolute mastery disguised as nonchalance. And damn, is it beautiful to watch.
And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Jesus Christ. The man. Is. A messiah. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A messiah. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got bare hands and apparently, the technical motion of a messiah and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.
Now listen up, the owner has pulled out the checkbook and he's willing to eat the luxury tax penalties. We're in the big leagues. Two max contracts, well-paid veterans on every corner. They're all-in. Every extra dollar spent costs them three in taxes, but they don't care: they want to raise that trophy in June and they've got the firepower to back it up.
the sus finishes #3, a fantastic season! 12W-3L. Season MVP: LeBron James.
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