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Season Journal

Standings

#TeamWLPts
1Detroit Engine-Roar13226
2San Antonio Skyscrapers13226
3Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest12324
4Boston Ring-Chasers12324
5New York Over-Timers11422
6Cleveland Twin-Towers10520
7Denver Horse-Track9618
8Houston Blast-Off8716
9Minnesota Ice-Wall6912
10Toronto Border-Patrol6912
11My Team51010
12Los Angeles Nursing-Home4118
13Phoenix No-Defense4118
14Philadelphia Injury-Report4118
15Orlando Magic-Beans2134
16Miami Heart-Attack1142

Pre-season

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby! Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but General Grievous is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 216 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery. The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins. And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Hulk. The man. Is. A scientist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A scientist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lab notebook and apparently, the technical motion of a scientist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.

Matchday 1vs Detroit Engine-Roar

74-117 (L)

General Grievous begins their shift on the palace of hoops! A military personnel starting the their service rifle shift!

General Grievous, this big fella, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Heavy feet!

General Grievous throws it away! A pass worse than a military personnel tossing the frontline!

Tony Stark bites on the fake! Fooled like a superhero by counterfeit the game!

Hulk throws their hands up! Like a scientist when their lab notebook breaks!

Break. Groot collapses on the locker room floor, arms spread wide. The staff told me Groot sings in the shower. Badly. Very badly. Come on, second half! The best is yet to come. Or the worst. Who knows.

Hulk pulls up but the shot rims out! Shaky emotions under pressure rears its ugly head!

Tony Stark short-arms the shot from fatigue! This player making noise has nothing left!

Hulk with a wild pass that sails out! This generational talent giving it away!

This league veteran General Grievous fouls hard out of frustration! Heavy feet showing!

Benjamin Netanyahu takes the loss hard! Hard as the frontline on a bad military personnel day!

General Grievous takes a sip of water and spits it right back out. Benjamin Netanyahu doesn't drink. Throat too tight. During the timeout, I tried to do pull-ups on the edge of the broadcast booth. Zero. That's all for today. Up next: 'Dateline: The True Cost of a Cup of Yogurt.' Deep investigation.

Matchday 2vs Miami Heart-Attack

107-99 (W)

This name that's buzzing General Grievous comes out firing! An off-balance shot in the first minute!

Benjamin Netanyahu explodes through traffic and scores! Incredible finish!

Hulk with the rejection! Get that out of here! Scientist says no!

Benjamin Netanyahu drops the dime! A military personnel with court vision like that? Unreal!

General Grievous, this player making noise, draws the double team and finds the open man! High IQ!

The players file out. Hulk exchanges a tense look with the coach. Juicy anecdote: Hulk was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. The tunnel spits the players out. The war resumes.

An alley-oop by Tony Stark! The crowd erupts! Nerves of steel personified!

The arena trembles! General Grievous with the play and a roaring arena follows!

General Grievous cheers the loudest! Happy as a military personnel clocking out on a Friday!

Watch General Grievous move! The footwork of a military personnel navigating the frontline!

Benjamin Netanyahu, this basketball god, soaks in the moment! Victory on the low block! A finger to the lips to hush the crowd!

General Grievous blows a kiss to the camera. Benjamin Netanyahu blows twelve. Groot blocks the lens. On my end, the AC in the booth broke down. I sweated more than Benjamin Netanyahu. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'

Matchday 3vs Orlando Magic-Beans

111-103 (W)

Tony Stark comes out hot! Heated up and ready, the superhero means business!

Benjamin Netanyahu gets the friendly bounce! Even the ball respects a military personnel!

This certified GOAT candidate Hulk holds ground back to the basket! Immovable object!

This guy nobody was talking about Groot with the wraparound pass! How did that get through!

Hulk uses that scientist IQ on the court! Tactical brilliance!

Break! Hulk takes his jersey off before even reaching the locker room. Little scoop: Hulk collects Pokemon cards. That Charizard is worth more than his first contract. Resumption imminent. The players wrap up their express warm-up.

Tony Stark scores in transition! Fast as a superhero grabbing their bare hands!

The crowd gasps at General Grievous's move! Agility worthy of a military personnel!

Tony Stark, this hooper's hooper, communicates the switch! Scary good handles and vocal leadership!

This household name Benjamin Netanyahu flips the script! From struggle to dominance!

Groot can breathe! The win is secured, it's over!

Groot does the robot at center court while Hulk pretends to be an airplane. The crowd loves it. I learned that Groot's father was a military personnel. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's all! Coming up: 'Hotel Hell: Airbnb With No Lock Edition.' Chills guaranteed.

Matchday 4vs Philadelphia Injury-Report

111-83 (W)

Tony Stark steps onto the gymnasium! From competing the game to this, game time!

Tony Stark finishes with style! Years of competing the game built those hands!

Tony Stark holds the line in beyond the arc! The discipline of a superhero with their bare hands!

General Grievous serves it on a platter! A military personnel serving the frontline with style!

Tony Stark calls the audible! Adapting on the fly, that's superhero mentality!

Back to the locker room. General Grievous's shorts are torn but he couldn't care less. Did you know General Grievous once tried to start an ASMR podcast of sneaker squeaks on the hardwood? One episode. Deleted. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Tony Stark drains an off-balance shot from along the baseline! Textbook scary good handles!

The crowd is on its feet! Palpable tension as Groot takes the court!

Benjamin Netanyahu sets the perfect screen! Built like a military personnel who doesn't skip leg day!

In the third quarter, Hulk becomes more than a scientist, they become a hero!

It's over! Groot delivers the goods! This hidden prospect walks off a winner!

General Grievous and Tony Stark slap each other's butts. Groot declines the invitation. Your commentator broke his personal screaming record tonight. My throat is not thanking me. Thanks everyone! Up next: 'Ice Road Truckers: Uber Eats Delivery on a Rainy Night.'

Matchday 5vs Phoenix No-Defense

97-103 (L)

Hulk wins the opening tip! Tipping off with scientist energy!

Benjamin Netanyahu forces up an alley-oop over the defense! Tendency to rush! Bad decision!

General Grievous gets picked! A military personnel getting the frontline stolen in broad daylight!

Tony Stark watches them score! Just watching, like watching their bare hands gather dust!

Groot converts at the buzzer! A bucket with trademark night-in night-out consistency!

Halftime. General Grievous is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Intel: General Grievous once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams emerge from the tunnel. The second half can begin.

Hulk argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to discoverring the hidden truth!

General Grievous, this 7-footer, bobbles the leather and the chance evaporates at the top of the key!

Tony Stark adapts to the coverage! Adaptive as a superhero with the game!

General Grievous is running on fumes! The military personnel tank is completely empty!

Tony Stark, this all-around player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite next-level basketball IQ effort.

Groot pushes away the reporter's microphone with a gesture. General Grievous takes the interview and says 'not tonight'. Tonight I learned Groot used to be a military personnel before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. Good evening! Up next: 'Fixer Upper: Renovating a Studio on a Twelve-Dollar Budget.' Challenge accepted.

Matchday 6vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home

91-118 (L)

Hulk gets the starting nod! A scientist starting with their lab notebook confidence!

Groot, this smooth operator, loses the handle and the opportunity! Hot head!

Benjamin Netanyahu throws it out of bounds! Like launching their service rifle into the void!

Benjamin Netanyahu, this tweener, gets exploited in the switch! Limited stamina exposed in the mismatch!

Groot, this guy nobody was talking about, operates from way beyond the arc with a catch-and-shoot triple! Clinic!

Break. Groot asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know Groot plays better when it's raining outside? Even indoors. Go figure. We're back! The DJ cranks the volume, the players charge onto the court.

Hulk mouths off at coming out of the locker room! A scientist venting about the hidden truth!

Hulk clanks another one off the rim! This basketball god needs to find rhythm!

General Grievous manages the clock! Time management of a military personnel who never misses a deadline!

Benjamin Netanyahu digs deep! Deep as a military personnel digs into the frontline!

General Grievous shakes hands through the pain! A military personnel who respects their service rifle and the game!

General Grievous's gaze is cold, distant. Hulk's gaze is hot, angry. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for tonight. And now: '60 Minutes: The Secrets of the Office Coffee Machine.'

Matchday 7vs Toronto Border-Patrol

104-88 (W)

Tony Stark stretches center court! Loosening up, the superhero is getting ready!

General Grievous strings together a devastating dunk at the buzzer. Scary good handles on full display!

Tony Stark with a textbook defensive stance! That's how you do it!

Groot with the bounce pass! This surprise package threading it perfectly!

Benjamin Netanyahu reads the defense perfectly! A killer instinct and a sky-high basketball IQ!

Coach calls everyone back. Tony Stark drags his feet toward the tunnel. Did you know Tony Stark keeps a photo of his dog in his right shoe? It's a Bichon. The show goes on. Players take position. Silence. Whistle.

Groot, this player nobody saw coming, threads the needle for an alley-oop at the buzzer!

You can cut the tension with a knife! A packed arena as Groot steps up!

This well-respected player Tony Stark celebrates the teammate's score! It's about the team!

Hulk carries the weight of their lab notebook and the leather with equal grace!

This living legend Hulk secures the win with night-in night-out consistency! Another one in the bag!

Hulk cries tears of joy in General Grievous's arms. Tony Stark is also crying but nobody knows why. I spent my evening screaming into a microphone, and honestly, I'd do it all over again. Good evening! Now: 'Destination Unknown: The Roundabout in Scranton, PA.' Total adventure.

Matchday 8vs Minnesota Ice-Wall

108-104 (W)

General Grievous checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!

This guy nobody was talking about Groot comes up with a massive steal! Transition time!

Tony Stark clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their bare hands hitting the game!

General Grievous buries a catch-and-shoot triple at the top of the key! This solid pro is on fire tonight!

Hulk communicates the switch! Clear as a scientist's instructions!

The players file out. General Grievous exchanges a tense look with the coach. Intel: General Grievous once called an imaginary timeout in the middle of a game. The ref actually hesitated. Both teams return with fresh instructions from the coach.

Benjamin Netanyahu, this absolute legend, with the cold-blooded alley-oop from downtown!

Groot, this combo guard, locks down the attacker! Eyes in the back of the head on the defensive end!

Hulk, this certified GOAT candidate, waves the crowd up! A standing ovation rising!

Hulk orchestrates the final play! Conducting the finale with their lab notebook!

General Grievous wraps up with a double-double! Double duty: their service rifle and the Spalding!

General Grievous jumps so high from joy he nearly touches the scoreboard. Almost. Yours truly held it together all evening without a bathroom break. That's professionalism. Thanks for being here. Now put down the remote, it's time for 'Wheel of Misfortune.'

Matchday 9vs Houston Blast-Off

85-129 (L)

Groot, this diamond in the rough, embraces the palpable tension! Game on!

General Grievous, this well-respected player, sends the leather wide! The touch is off tonight!

Hulk trips up in the three-point line! A scientist never trips at work... Right?

General Grievous gets posted up and scored on! This up-and-coming baller overpowered!

Hulk explodes angrily after the turnover! This household name spiraling!

That's a wrap for now. Tony Stark dives into the tunnel. Fun fact: Tony Stark tried to negotiate a 'mandatory nap' clause in his contract. Denied. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Tony Stark with the ugly miss! The superhero touch is absent tonight!

Hulk misses from fatigue! Tired arms from discoverring the hidden truth all week!

Benjamin Netanyahu tries to be too fancy and loses the Wilson! Defense that's basically a suggestion in the decision-making!

General Grievous blows past and kicks the stanchion! This established player losing composure!

Benjamin Netanyahu walks off in silence. This potential GOAT gave it all but it wasn't enough.

General Grievous's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Hulk hides his eyes under a towel. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. That's all for tonight! Coming up: 'CSI: Underground Parking Garage.' Riveting stuff.

Matchday 10vs Denver Horse-Track

94-131 (L)

This surprise package Groot in the starting lineup! Let's see what this surprise package brings!

An and-one from Groot hits the iron! Tendency to force bad shots under the spotlight!

Hulk, this all-around player, gets the ball poked away! Defense that's basically a suggestion when protecting the Wilson!

Groot gambles for the steal and pays the price! Occasional mental lapses!

This hall-of-fame lock Benjamin Netanyahu slaps the floor in anger! The frustration is palpable!

Halftime! Groot walks barefoot on the cold tunnel tiles. Juicy intel: Groot turned down an endorsement deal because he'd have to wear a mascot costume. Both teams return. You can tell the coach gave them an earful.

Hulk whiffs on the jumper! A scientist off their game with their lab notebook!

Tony Stark misses the rotation! Too tired, like a superhero too tired for the game!

General Grievous pulls up into a trap! Tendency to force bad shots when reading the defense!

Groot mutters to himself walking back! This potential breakout star fighting inner demons!

Hulk gave it everything! Everything a scientist has, left on the court!

Benjamin Netanyahu's complexion is grey. General Grievous's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. Tonight I nearly had a heart attack at least four times. And I'm just the commentator. See you soon. Coming up: 'Extreme Couponing: Family of Eight at Walmart.' Double episode.

Matchday 11vs New York Over-Timers

81-123 (L)

Hulk gets the crowd going early! Setting the tone like a scientist on day one!

Groot fires away the Spalding into nothing! Ego the size of Texas on full display tonight!

This surprise package Groot with turnover number points! Tendency to rush is piling up!

Hulk left in the dust! Even a scientist moves faster than that!

Tony Stark glares at the Wilson! Like it personally betrayed this superhero!

Halftime whistle. Benjamin Netanyahu high-fives his teammates on the way out. Fun fact: Benjamin Netanyahu failed the driving test three times. On the court it's a different story, thankfully. Back on the court. The coach changed the starting five, that'll be a surprise.

Benjamin Netanyahu rushes an alley-oop driving to the hoop! Injury-prone body creeping in!

This once-in-a-lifetime player Hulk has heavy legs! The pace has been brutal!

General Grievous, this beanpole, gets stripped from the left corner! Defense that's basically a suggestion exposed!

This hungry young player Groot stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!

This basketball god Hulk leaves the court with head held high. Fought to the end.

Benjamin Netanyahu's complexion is grey. Tony Stark's is red. Defeat comes in different colors. During the game, my colleague ordered sushi. It arrived at the final buzzer. Perfect timing. We're out! And now, 'House Hunters: Broom Closet Edition.' Cozy open concept.

Matchday 12vs Cleveland Twin-Towers

87-132 (L)

Benjamin Netanyahu announces themselves! The military personnel has arrived and the building knows it!

Benjamin Netanyahu, this do-it-all player, gets the separation but can't finish! Shaky emotions under pressure!

General Grievous, this colossus, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted back to the basket!

Benjamin Netanyahu gets screened out of the play! This living legend lost in traffic!

General Grievous slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a military personnel hits the workbench!

Off to the locker room. Tony Stark has already drained two water bottles. I've been told Tony Stark once ordered a pizza during a timeout. The coach was not amused. Second half! The hardwood is about to shake again.

Tony Stark pulls up and fires but misses everything! Sometimes predictable game tonight!

Benjamin Netanyahu waves for a timeout! The military personnel needs the frontline break!

This respected competitor Tony Stark with a careless turnover! Gift-wrapped for the opponent!

General Grievous takes off the towel! This player making noise showing ego the size of Texas!

Tony Stark lets fly past the media. This guy with a proven track record not in the mood to talk.

General Grievous and Benjamin Netanyahu share a single look. Just one. It contains all the disappointment in the world. Evening confession: I'm wearing General Grievous's jersey under my shirt. For morale. That's a wrap! Coming up: 'What Would You Do: People Who Say Hello in the Elevator.' Exposing the truth.

Matchday 13vs Boston Ring-Chasers

82-111 (L)

Benjamin Netanyahu sets the tone early! The military personnel came to play tonight!

Groot fires an alley-oop in the paint but can't connect! Hot head showing!

This living legend Hulk forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!

General Grievous caught flat-footed! Standing still, the military personnel reflexes took a nap!

Hulk can't hide the frustration! Their lab notebook frustration meets the damn ball frustration!

Halftime! Groot looks in the mirror and shakes his head. True story: Groot walked into the wrong locker room during his first game against Boston Ring-Chasers. Awkward. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?

That one wasn't even close, Tony Stark! Stick to competing the game!

This legit talent Tony Stark signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Tendency to force bad shots!

Hulk coughs it up! A scientist's grip doesn't work on the basketball!

General Grievous, this absolute unit, throws the hands up! Exasperated facing the rim!

Hulk walks off in defeat! Even a scientist's skills couldn't save tonight!

General Grievous lets out a nervous laugh that sends chills down your spine. Groot decides not to comment. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.

Matchday 14vs San Antonio Skyscrapers

89-127 (L)

This well-respected player General Grievous comes out aggressive! Opens with an off-balance shot in transition!

Tony Stark, this next-level player, fumbles the finish from the left corner! Back to the drawing board!

General Grievous loses the pill! A military personnel would never be this careless!

Groot, this all-around player, can't keep up with the speed! Tendency to force bad shots exposed!

Groot drops the head after another miss! Tendency to force bad shots sapping the confidence!

Break! Benjamin Netanyahu rips his shoes off the second he reaches the locker room. Rumor has it Benjamin Netanyahu does 100 push-ups before every game. Or 10. Depends who you ask. The players charge out of the tunnel. Smells like a comeback.

Groot launches a buzzer-beater and... Airball! Limited stamina at its peak!

Hulk, this all-around player, looks exhausted in the paint! The legs are gone!

Groot, this do-it-all player, fumbles the entry pass along the baseline!

General Grievous, this tower, shows negative body language! Shaky emotions under pressure creeping in!

Tony Stark, this smooth operator, trudges off the floor. Lessons to take from this one.

Hulk chews his nails on the bench. General Grievous stares at his shoes like they're the source of the problem. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. Good night! And now: 'Naked and Afraid: Lost in the Shopping Mall.'

Matchday 15vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest

93-103 (L)

This surprise package Groot gets the crowd going early! The energy is building!

This potential breakout star Groot misfires again! Injury-prone body could cost the team!

Groot passes to nobody! This unknown gem with a head-scratching decision!

Tony Stark gets posterized! A superhero framed by their bare hands in the worst way!

Hulk scores off the inbound! That's the preparation of a scientist right there!

Halftime whistle. Tony Stark high-fives his teammates on the way out. Little secret: Tony Stark watches cat videos between quarters. Says it's relaxing. The players are back. Some look fresh, others... Not so much.

Tony Stark looks to the heavens! A superhero praying for their bare hands to work!

Groot, this solid build, can't finish driving to the hoop! That one stings!

This certified GOAT candidate Benjamin Netanyahu uses the floater over this do-it-all player coverage! Smart!

General Grievous gulps water! As thirsty as a military personnel reaching for the frontline!

General Grievous wipes a tear! A military personnel who poured everything into the effort!

Groot snaps at the bench on his way out. Hulk says nothing, but his look says everything. Behind the scenes, the cameraman told me I was making faces during free throws. I had no idea. This was your favorite commentator. Coming up: 'Extreme Makeover: Garage Edition.' Don't change the channel. Or do.

My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: General Grievous.

🏀
#11
Rank
5W-10L
Record
-257
+/-
280
Team Score
2.5M$
Salary
General Grievous
MVP

Season Journal

Shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to that sound. That low rumble, that murmur of 20,000 people holding their breath at the same time. That's the sound of an arena that knows tonight is going to be something. We're here for a franchise that's in the DNA of this league, a club with as many banners in the rafters as ghosts in the locker room. Legends have walked this court, careers have been shattered here, and miracles have been born on this very floor. Tonight, we write the next chapter. The team with no name, baby!

Listen, I've watched hundreds of players come and go in my broadcasting career, but General Grievous is something else entirely. He's the kind of player who makes you jump out of your chair and scream "OH SHIT" at your TV without even realizing it. Standing at 216 cm, a wingspan like a pterodactyl, and a killer instinct that even the coaches can't explain. This man feels the game. He knows where the ball is going to land before the shot even leaves the hand. He reads passes like he's reading minds. At this level, it's not basketball anymore, it's straight-up sorcery.

The scary thing is that the more pressure rises, the more he rises with it. Fourth quarter, down by three, the opposing coach screaming, the crowd roaring... And he just shrugs, takes the ball, and nails a step-back three over three defenders draped all over him like it's a Tuesday morning shootaround drill. This is the kind of player you don't just build a team around, you build an era around him. And tonight, that era begins.

And because this season couldn't possibly be normal, the coach went out and signed Hulk. The man. Is. A scientist. I'm going to let that marinate for two seconds. A scientist. On a professional basketball court. With guys who jump 3 feet off the ground. This dude jumps 6 inches, on a good day, with a running start and the wind at his back. But he's got their lab notebook and apparently, the technical motion of a scientist and a pull-up jumper are "basically the same thing, give or take 90 degrees." That's what the coach said. The team doctor immediately requested a cognitive evaluation for the coach.

The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.

🏆

My Team finishes #11 (5W-10L). Better luck next season! MVP: General Grievous.

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