My dream starting five — basketball_team 🇺🇸
5 members · TeamBranch
Season Journal
Standings
| # | Team | W | L | Pts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest | 14 | 1 | 28 |
| 2 | Detroit Engine-Roar | 13 | 2 | 26 |
| 3 | San Antonio Skyscrapers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 4 | Cleveland Twin-Towers | 12 | 3 | 24 |
| 5 | Houston Blast-Off | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 6 | New York Over-Timers | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 7 | Denver Horse-Track | 9 | 6 | 18 |
| 8 | Boston Ring-Chasers | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 9 | Toronto Border-Patrol | 8 | 7 | 16 |
| 10 | Phoenix No-Defense | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 11 | Orlando Magic-Beans | 6 | 9 | 12 |
| 12 | Minnesota Ice-Wall | 5 | 10 | 10 |
| 13 | Philadelphia Injury-Report | 4 | 11 | 8 |
| 14 | Los Angeles Nursing-Home | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 15 | Miami Heart-Attack | 2 | 13 | 4 |
| 16 | My Team | 1 | 14 | 2 |
Pre-season
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby! Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them. The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless. The chef's surprise of the evening is Godzilla. An amateur by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him. The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
Matchday 1 — vs Detroit Engine-Roar
76-120 (L)
Goku checks in for the first play! Clocking in for the shift, let's work!
Donald Trump launches and misses! The Spalding isn't the risky picture, and it shows!
Donald Trump explodes carelessly and gets stripped! Another giveaway!
Jesus Christ beaten to the spot! Slower than a messiah on a Monday morning!
Mewtwo stares in disbelief! The look of an astrologer who just lost everything!
Break. Donald Trump asks the medical staff for coffee. Request denied. Did you know? Donald Trump has a personal mini-fridge in the locker room. Nobody knows what's inside. We're back! The players look fired up.
Godzilla clanks another one off the rim! This jersey-selling name needs to find rhythm!
Godzilla short-arms the shot from fatigue! This guy everybody knows has nothing left!
Godzilla with a wild pass that sails out! This world-class player giving it away!
Mewtwo shakes their head! An astrologer who can't believe that just happened!
This franchise guy Goku stares at the scoreboard. Not the outcome this franchise guy wanted.
Mewtwo avoids the cameras like the plague. Jesus Christ gets caught. Just says 'we'll be better'. I learned tonight that Mewtwo used to be an astrologer. That explains the unique running style. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 2 — vs Miami Heart-Attack
100-125 (L)
Donald Trump looks dialed in from the start! Unreal swagger preparation showing!
Jesus Christ can't convert! The messiah's touch with the game deserted them!
Godzilla tries to be too fancy and loses the rock! Ego the size of Texas in the decision-making!
Goku gets blown by! Even a farmer couldn't stop that!
The technical flair of Donald Trump recalls their film producer days. A tear drop! Sublime!
Coach calls everyone back. Jesus Christ drags his feet toward the tunnel. Locker room intel: Jesus Christ has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Here they come. You can read the determination on their faces.
Mewtwo crosses over angrily after the turnover! This newcomer spiraling!
Jesus Christ, this undisputed superstar, pulls the trigger at the buzzer but no luck!
Jesus Christ explodes the ball out of the trap! Nerves of steel under pressure!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, laboring up and down! Tendency to force bad shots draining the energy!
Goku dunks to the tunnel in disappointment. This top-tier talent will learn from this.
Godzilla stands alone at center court as the lights go dim. Donald Trump comes back to get him. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 3 — vs Orlando Magic-Beans
87-126 (L)
Godzilla, this bonafide star, draws first blood! A buzzer-beater to start!
Goku can't hit the ocean right now! Another miss for this certified bucket!
Mewtwo loses the Spalding! An astrologer would never be this careless!
This undisputed superstar Jesus Christ caught ball-watching! Backdoor cut for an easy score!
Goku vents at their teammates! The farmer who vents about the stubborn soil!
Back to the locker room. Godzilla punches his locker. Physio's confession: Godzilla purrs when you massage his calves. Like a cat. A big cat. Play resumes! The coach set a few things straight in the locker room.
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, gets the look in the paint but the lid's on the rim!
Godzilla crosses over but can't sustain the effort! Shaky emotions under pressure emptying the tank!
Godzilla throws it away! Sometimes predictable game under pressure at the top of the key!
Jesus Christ lets fly the towel! This living legend showing tendency to rush!
Goku packs up and heads out! Packing the seed dibber, unpacking emotions!
Mewtwo slams his fist on the bench. Jesus Christ places his palm flat, as if to calm the surface. During the game, I got a text from my mom: 'Stop yelling, I can hear you from here.' She lives 120 miles away. Until next time! Up next: 'Kitchen Nightmares: Corporate Cafeteria.' This is gonna be good.
Matchday 4 — vs Philadelphia Injury-Report
105-112 (L)
Mewtwo locks eyes with the opponent! The stare of an astrologer who means business!
Jesus Christ can't finish! The messiah who finishes the game can't finish the play!
Mewtwo, this swiss-army-knife type, telegraphs the pass! Intercepted off the pick and roll!
This multi-time All-Star Godzilla gives up the offensive rebound! Defense that's basically a suggestion when boxing out!
This dark horse Mewtwo does it again! A buzzer-beater with effortless precision!
Rest. Jesus Christ buries his head in a wet towel and doesn't move. Anecdote: Jesus Christ lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. We're back at it. The crowd had time to reload at the snack bar.
Mewtwo can't hide the frustration! Their star chart frustration meets the orange frustration!
Air ball from Jesus Christ! Being a messiah doesn't help with shooting, apparently!
Donald Trump makes the hockey assist! The unsung play of a film producer behind the risky picture!
Goku labors up the court! Trudging like a farmer dragging the stubborn soil!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, trudges off the temple of basketball. Lessons to take from this one.
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Goku hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I had a revelation: Goku runs exactly like my neighbor when he misses the bus. Thanks for watching. Coming up: '48 Hours: The Secret Life of Roundabouts.' Essential viewing.
Matchday 5 — vs Phoenix No-Defense
89-132 (L)
This raw talent Mewtwo comes out firing! A step-back three in the first minute!
Godzilla fades away but the shot rims out! Tendency to rush rears its ugly head!
Donald Trump dribbles it off their foot! Their loaded checkbook would never betray a film producer like that!
This dark horse Mewtwo commits the and-one foul! Defense that's basically a suggestion in positioning!
Godzilla, this versatile guy, pounds the scorer's table! Shaky emotions under pressure on full display!
Intermission. Mewtwo dumps an entire water bottle over his head. Fun fact: Mewtwo blocked a shot in the finals... And dislocated a thumb celebrating. Classic. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Donald Trump can't buy a shot! Wouldn't happen with the risky picture, a film producer always hits!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, with tired legs back to the basket! Tendency to rush slowing this elite player down!
Goku forces the pass! Forcing the seed dibber where it doesn't fit!
Jesus Christ gets a technical for complaining! Defense that's basically a suggestion on full display!
Goku leaves the court with dignity! The dignity of a farmer with the seed dibber!
Mewtwo is the last one off the court, shoulders hunched. Donald Trump waits at the tunnel entrance. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. Thanks! And now, 'Neighbors from Hell: The Community Compost Bin Saga.' Episode 1 of 74.
Matchday 6 — vs Los Angeles Nursing-Home
110-109 (W)
Donald Trump wins the opening tip! Tipping off with film producer energy!
Goku stays in front! Mirroring every move like a seasoned farmer!
Jesus Christ rushes an and-one in transition! Occasional mental lapses creeping in!
An off-balance shot from Goku! Another dagger! This guy everybody knows closing the door!
This guy nobody was talking about Mewtwo adjusts the angle mid-drive! Next-level basketball IQ body control!
First half is done. Goku is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Small detail: Goku wears mismatched socks every game. Calls it a strategy. The buzzer calls the players. Time for the show, act II.
This franchise guy Godzilla answers back immediately! A thunderous slam back to the basket! Resilient!
Mewtwo, this smooth operator, contests everything facing the rim! Unreal swagger on full display!
Fans hold up the cosmic fate signs for Mewtwo! What a scene!
Goku with the clutch block! Not in this house, says the farmer!
Donald Trump soaks it in! Soaking up the moment, a film producer savoring glory!
Jesus Christ points both hands at the sky. Godzilla points at Jesus Christ. Donald Trump points at the exit. Tonight I learned Jesus Christ used to be an astrologer before basketball. Found out during a timeout. Threw me off completely. We're done here. Up next: 'Top Chef: Microwave Edition.' Bon appetit.
Matchday 7 — vs Toronto Border-Patrol
89-134 (L)
This All-Star caliber talent Goku means business! Fast start driving to the hoop!
Goku blows past but it's well off! Lack of consistency under fatigue!
Turnover by Jesus Christ! Competing the game requires less coordination, clearly!
Goku gives up the back door! Hot head when overplaying!
Donald Trump, this all-time great, refuses to high-five! Injury-prone body hurting the chemistry!
Halftime! Jesus Christ has the hardwood pattern imprinted on his elbow. Anecdote: Jesus Christ tried to impress the Toronto Border-Patrol players with a warm-up dunk. Hit the rim. With his face. We're off again! The crowd chants the team's name.
Donald Trump pulls up and fires but misses everything! Occasional mental lapses tonight!
Jesus Christ is visibly tired! This generational talent needs a timeout badly!
This absolute legend Donald Trump commits the 5-second violation! Clock management defense that's basically a suggestion!
Mewtwo, this diamond in the rough, barks at the teammate! Lack of consistency taking over!
This dark horse Mewtwo tips the hat to the winner. Respect despite the pain.
Mewtwo and Donald Trump walk side by side without looking at each other. The silence is deafening. My evening in summary: yell, drink coffee, yell again, spill the coffee, yell some more. Thanks for being here. Coming up: 'Forbidden Zone: Behind the Scenes of a Vending Machine.'
Matchday 8 — vs Minnesota Ice-Wall
102-114 (L)
Donald Trump bounces the Wilson pre-game! Getting that rhythm going!
Mewtwo denied by the basket! Even an astrologer can't pry it open!
Godzilla, this combo guard, gets called for the carry! Sometimes predictable game in ball-handling!
Donald Trump gives up the easy bucket! Easier than greenlighting the risky picture!
Mewtwo hits the triple! Three buckets, three cheers for this astrologer turned baller!
First half is done. Jesus Christ is chugging Gatorade like it's water. Anecdote: Jesus Christ once shot at the wrong basket during warm-ups. Nobody has forgotten. The players come back running. Did someone set the locker room on fire?
Jesus Christ storms to the bench! Heated! This messiah doesn't handle losing well!
Donald Trump with a rough bank shot off the pick and roll! Tendency to rush at the worst time!
Jesus Christ baits the defender! Got them hook, line, and sinker!
This top-tier talent Godzilla can barely jump! The springs are gone on the low block!
Godzilla, this do-it-all player, hangs the head. Tough loss despite ridiculous creativity effort.
Goku's brow is furrowed, lips pressed thin. Mewtwo breathes through his nose, hard, steady, trying to calm down. I discovered tonight that my mic was off for three minutes. Three minutes of pure genius, lost forever. We're wrapping up the mics. Up next: 'Chopped: Tupperware Lunch at the Office Edition.'
Matchday 9 — vs Houston Blast-Off
95-115 (L)
Donald Trump, this do-it-all player, sets the tone immediately! A killer instinct from the jump!
Donald Trump misses from the corner! At the top of the key is no place for their loaded checkbook!
This top-tier talent Goku forces a pass into double coverage! Picked off!
Godzilla, this smooth operator, loses the assignment! Easy bucket over lack of consistency!
Godzilla, this big-name player, unleashes an and-one on the low block! Bang!
Halftime. Godzilla's hair is completely soaked, like climbing out of a pool. Confession: Godzilla believes the away locker room is haunted. Refuses to go in alone. Here they come. Fresh as daisies. Or not. We'll find out soon enough.
This newcomer Mewtwo stares at the ref! That look could freeze water!
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, draws the foul but can't capitalize! Sometimes predictable game!
Goku positions perfectly in the corner! Placement of the seed dibber on the stubborn soil!
Donald Trump, this global icon, with the tired turnover! Legs and mind fatigued!
Mewtwo fires away past the media. This player nobody saw coming not in the mood to talk.
Jesus Christ rips off his headband and throws it on the ground. Donald Trump picks up his own and folds it carefully. I got a text from Jesus Christ after the game. Just kidding. Nobody texts me. Off to bed! Or stay for 'Real Housewives of the DMV.' The line is around the block.
Matchday 10 — vs Denver Horse-Track
96-117 (L)
Godzilla, this all-around player, announced to huge cheers! A Playoff atmosphere!
Donald Trump takes a tough two-handed slam and it doesn't go! Hot head in shot selection!
Godzilla coughs up the ball! Limited stamina strikes again at half court!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla bites on the fake! Beaten from way beyond the arc!
Goku, this versatile guy, with a silky and-one from the left corner! Smooth operator!
Halftime. Donald Trump is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. True story: Donald Trump had his parking spot stolen by Denver Horse-Track's mascot. Still talks about it. On to the next chapter. The court is just waiting for the ball.
Godzilla glares at the scoreboard! This certified bucket not happy with the situation!
Godzilla with the contested sky hook off the pick and roll! No good! Bad selection!
Goku communicates the switch! Clear as a farmer's instructions!
Donald Trump tanks the play from tiredness! Tanked like a film producer's energy for the risky picture!
Godzilla sits alone on the bench. This top-tier talent processing the defeat.
Goku unclasps his chain and squeezes it in his fist. Jesus Christ runs a hand down his face. During the break, I tried doing crunches behind the console. My back remembers. We're signing off. And now: 'Musical Chairs: Subway Seat Edition.' Winner takes all.
Matchday 11 — vs New York Over-Timers
85-130 (L)
Donald Trump dunks onto the floor! The crowd roars for this absolute legend!
Jesus Christ, this solid build, double-clutches and misses! Indecision from this global icon!
Mewtwo gets picked! An astrologer getting the cosmic fate stolen in broad daylight!
Donald Trump gets back-doored! Didn't see it, like not seeing the risky picture behind their loaded checkbook!
Jesus Christ slaps the floor in frustration! Slapping harder than a messiah hits the workbench!
Halftime. The physio pounces on Mewtwo to massage his thighs. Rumor has it Mewtwo has been wearing the same lucky underwear for three seasons. The medical staff is concerned. Second half! The crowd is on its feet, and so are the players.
Jesus Christ gets a clean look but occasional mental lapses costs the bucket!
This elite player Godzilla signals to the bench! Needs a blow! Shaky emotions under pressure!
Intercepted! Mewtwo's pass snatched right out of the air! An astrologer would never be that careless!
Donald Trump drops their shoulders! Deflated, even a film producer's spirit has limits!
This max-contract guy Godzilla congratulates the opponent. Class in defeat from this max-contract guy.
Mewtwo claps his hands in frustration. Donald Trump clenches his jaw so hard you can hear it from here. I tried taking notes during the game. My notebook is full of incomprehensible scribbles. Thanks everyone. Up next: 'Survivor: Open-Plan Office.' Whoever makes it through the 5 PM meeting wins.
Matchday 12 — vs Cleveland Twin-Towers
85-130 (L)
Mewtwo stretches center court! Loosening up, the astrologer is getting ready!
Goku misses the runner! Stick to the day job, buddy!
Goku with the bad read! Misreading the play like misreading the stubborn soil!
Mewtwo, this all-around player, lets the shooter get free at the top of the key! Costly lapse!
Goku, this versatile guy, throws the hands up! Exasperated from the right corner!
Halftime. Mewtwo is holding his ribs walking toward the tunnel. Anecdote: Mewtwo lost a bet and had to wear the center's shoes during warm-ups. Size 16. Break's over, time for basketball. Let's go.
Jesus Christ bobbles and misses! Fumbling the Wilson like it's a Monday morning!
This All-Star caliber talent Godzilla calls for a sub! Can't go anymore! Lack of consistency taking its toll!
This dude out of nowhere Mewtwo dribbles off the foot! Unforced error!
Godzilla slams the basketball in frustration! Tendency to rush on full display!
Jesus Christ hangs their head! A messiah who gave everything they had!
Jesus Christ's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Mewtwo hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I yelled so loud the guy in the next booth asked me to keep it down. Mid-game. We're done for tonight. And now: 'Ancient Aliens: The True History of the Coffee Break.'
Matchday 13 — vs Boston Ring-Chasers
86-131 (L)
Opening possession for Donald Trump! First touch, like first touch of their loaded checkbook!
An and-one attempt by Godzilla falls short! Tendency to rush in the legs!
This big-name player Godzilla loses concentration and the Wilson with it!
Donald Trump overcommits and gets beat! Occasional mental lapses when reading the play!
Donald Trump waves off the play! The authority of a film producer in that gesture!
End of the second quarter. Donald Trump is breathing so loud you can hear it from here. Locker room intel: Donald Trump has a tattoo of a basketball hoop on his butt. That's commitment. Back at it! The coach said two words. Two words that were enough.
Mewtwo clanks it off the rim! That sounded like their star chart hitting the cosmic fate!
Goku needs oxygen! More winded than a farmer after overtime!
Goku, this versatile guy, gets the ball poked away! Tendency to force bad shots when protecting the basketball!
Donald Trump penetrates and kicks the stanchion! This global icon losing composure!
This world-class player Godzilla leaves the floor with head held high. Fought to the end.
Mewtwo closes his eyes walking out. Donald Trump keeps his wide open, fixed, empty. Tonight my voice traveled three octaves. Baritone to soprano. Basketball does that to you. We're done! And now: 'The Voice: Office Karaoke After Two Beers Edition.'
Matchday 14 — vs San Antonio Skyscrapers
75-120 (L)
Donald Trump, this all-time great, embraces the electric crowd! Game on!
This dude out of nowhere Mewtwo rattles it out! So close yet so far at half court!
Mewtwo, this swiss-army-knife type, commits the travel! Lack of consistency in the footwork!
Goku gets crossed over! Ankles broken like the stubborn soil on a rough day!
Goku, this all-around player, waves off the play call! Ego the size of Texas hurting the team!
The locker room. Donald Trump sprawls out full-length on the bench. Rumor has it Donald Trump talks to his basketball in the locker room. Nobody dares say it's weird. The hardwood awaits. Here we go for the second half.
Jesus Christ, this do-it-all player, wastes a golden chance with a wild floater!
Godzilla, this swiss-army-knife type, looks exhausted along the baseline! The legs are gone!
Mewtwo loses possession! The cosmic fate never leaves an astrologer's hands like that!
Jesus Christ, this certified GOAT candidate, with the frustrated foul! Ego the size of Texas in tough moments!
Jesus Christ fought but fell short! Just out of reach, the messiah gave everything!
Goku sits down on the hardwood, head on his knees. Jesus Christ puts a hand on his shoulder without saying a word. I drank so much coffee tonight I'm going to commentate in my sleep. Good night! Up next: 'My 600-Lb Neighbor: He Makes Noise at 3 AM.' Shocking testimonies.
Matchday 15 — vs Oklahoma City Treasure-Chest
83-128 (L)
Godzilla, this All-Star caliber talent, wins the opening tip! Great start for the team!
Goku, this tweener, can't finish from way beyond the arc! That one stings!
Donald Trump with the errant pass! This basketball god needs to settle down!
Godzilla, this tweener, fouls unnecessarily driving to the hoop! Limited stamina!
Jesus Christ argues with the ref! The same passion they bring to competing the game!
Halftime whistle. Jesus Christ high-fives his teammates on the way out. Juicy anecdote: Jesus Christ was caught dancing the Macarena in the showers. Alone. Back to hostilities. Faces have changed in the locker room.
Mewtwo shoots an air ball in an incredible energy! An astrologer lost in the noise!
Jesus Christ soldiers on! The soldier who competes the game with their bare hands!
Goku botches the handoff! Even the seed dibber exchanges go smoother!
Donald Trump mouths off and picks up a T! Heavy feet taking over!
Goku, this established star, will be back stronger. This defeat fuels the fire.
Godzilla's face is locked shut, zero emotion. Jesus Christ hides his eyes under a towel. Tonight I chewed through two pens. The office supply budget is going to explode. We're out. Up next: 'Say Yes to the Dress: Budget Three Fifty, Theme: Elastic.' Good luck.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
Season Journal
Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to what is probably going to be the most electric night of this season. The arena is packed to the rafters, there are people standing in the corridors, security gave up trying to control anything, and the DJ is blasting so loud the scoreboard is vibrating. We are here to talk about a legendary franchise. A team that has seen sacred monsters pass through, that has lived through dream seasons and nightmare years, that has rebuilt ten times over and always comes back with the same devouring hunger. The team with no name, baby!
Yeah sure, it's a team sport, we all agree on that. But when you've got Jesus Christ on your roster, the word "team" basically means him plus four guys who pass him the ball. The man is massive, a first step more explosive than a rocket launch, and a fadeaway so silky that even the defenders applaud as they watch him score. Scouts had this dude flagged at 14. By 16, he was beating pros. Today? He's embarrassing them.
The opposing locker room before the game, you know what they talk about? Not the game plan. Not the offensive scheme. No. They talk about HIM. "How do we stop him?" "Who takes the matchup?" "Does he look tired?" Spoiler: he's never tired. And even when he looks tired, it's a trap. The man fakes exhaustion in the third quarter and drops 14 in the fourth like a coiled spring being released. Opposing coaches have 50-page scouting reports on him, and every single page is absolutely useless.
The chef's surprise of the evening is Godzilla. An amateur by profession. No, it's not a joke, it's an actual coaching staff decision. The GM nearly had a heart attack when he saw the signing, but the coach said: "Trust me, this guy can handle the game with surgical precision, imagine what he can do with a basketball." Spoiler: so far, not much. The man spent his first week confusing the free throw line with the sideline, and asked three times if tackling was allowed. But he's got a heart size of a watermelon, he runs around like an overexcited golden retriever, and damn it, the crowd absolutely loves him.
The budget? What budget? We're so far below the salary floor you could limbo under it blindfolded. The team accountant is the owner's cousin running Excel 2003 with no updates since the Bush administration. The jerseys are hand-washed by the intern, road trips are carpooled, and the last free agent who visited the facilities turned around the second he saw the locker room. But you know what? Character is forged in the struggle. And this team's got character coming out of its damn ears.
My Team finishes #16 (1W-14L). Better luck next season! MVP: Jesus Christ.
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